Calm Parenting Podcast - “I’m Stupid!” How to Change/Improve Behavior

Episode Date: March 27, 2022

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So do you have a child who will say things like, nobody likes me, I wish I hadn't been born, I'm so stupid? Well, it's very common, and it makes sense to me if you're a kid who feels like he doesn't fit in, like nothing he can do is good enough for anyone. Maybe he's on those, maybe you do those behavior charts at school and he's always on red. Maybe he senses that, you know, you kind of like the other siblings better than him.

So that makes sense to me. And in the last podcast, we talked about kids who constantly get in trouble and make bad decisions, right? And a frustrated parent, you're going to say, what do I need to do to get through to this kid? on trying to change the outward behavior, usually through ineffective consequences, that drives this kind of tragic thinking inside the child. So in this second part of the Calm Parenting podcast, I want to show you how to actually change this behavior while building your child's confidence and at the same time build a closer, more trusting relationship with your child. Because good discipline should always lead to a closer, more trusting relationship with your child. Not parent and child that are angry at each other. Not a parent who kind of withdraws and says, well, if he just

shapes up, then I'll have a relationship with him. No, we can have both. So that's what we're going to address today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. It's not that hard. We ask you to please, if you find this helpful, share the podcast on social media and with friends. We want to help more people. And if you need help, write to our son, not like a real letter. Email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? We will talk about it. We will reply personally to you and give you some recommendations. If you're interested in our products, you can always ask Casey about that or just go on there, get the everything program.

It's got everything we've ever created or there's some other programs. Ask Casey about that or just go on there, get the everything program. It's got everything we've ever created, or there's some other programs. Ask Casey about that. So I did want to give a quick shout out to a really good dad. His name's Ryan. I'm not going to give away the last name. And he emailed me after the last podcast and said, you know that phrase of like, what can I do to get through this kid? He said, I've literally used that phrase a dozen times in the past month, right? And you're not alone because that's a common thing that we say month, right? And you're not alone because that's a common thing that we say. And he said, I've been trying so hard to fix my son and somehow get through to him through lecturing him, badgering him, taking away things. None of it has worked.

And what I realized is I can't even control myself. So how can I ask him to control himself? So he said he went ahead, he got the app, he ordered our programs. And he said, I've been through the dad's program, through the 30 days to calm program, which is one of my favorites because we help you identify your triggers and then come up with a different response to your trigger, right? And the best part is he said, I'm starting to change and my son is noticing it. Bingo, that's what we want.

So well done, Ryan. Well done, all the moms and dads out there. You know what you're doing? You're breaking generational patterns for your kids and for their families so they don't have to grow up and go through all the same stuff that we have. So listen, I get it. Schools, a therapist will say, well, this is just a behavior issue. And that's why they do those red, yellow, and green behavior charts that never work and always make

it worse. And there's a thinking as if it's that simple for a child to turn this off and on. And I want you to hear this because sometimes it's good to get inside the head of the kid. And your kids aren't thinking, they're not like, here's what they would want to tell you. I don't wake up every morning thinking, hmm, how can I irritate everyone around me, right? I don't want to wake up to be in trouble at school and at home. I don't want people being angry at me, yelling and disappointed me. But since I was born, this is simply who I've always been. I keep getting in trouble for being the kid I've always been and doing what comes naturally. I want you to think about that. Think about a kid when they first go into preschool. And I always tell the parents of a strong-willed child,

especially when they're really young, I'm like, guess what? When your child goes to preschool, you're going to get calls from the school because your child isn't going to follow directions the right way. They're going to get up and walk around. They're not going to sit still and circle time. They're going to be curious and get into things. And think for a kid. Their job is to be curious and get into things. And think for a kid, their job is to be curious and to explore.

And they end up getting in trouble for doing the very thing that they're supposed to be doing because we overlay kids' lives with a lot of arbitrary standards that don't matter. And that's what ends up crushing your child's spirit. And so get back inside the head of this kid. He's like, I've got this busy brain. I've got tons of energy. And I'm particular about how I want things to be done, what I wear, what I eat, when I want to do my schoolwork, which is usually never. I didn't sit down and come up with some master plan about what personality I wanted to have or how my brain was supposed to work.

I didn't choose this. My brain has simply worked this way since I was little. Look, good insight from the ADHD University program. We get this, it's frustrating because we have this thing where it's like, well, your child, he doesn't focus on things that he's not interested in. Well, that's the way the brain is supposed to work. It's not, there's, it's not a disorder. That's the way it's supposed to work.

You're drawn to things you're interested in. That's why, look, you don't apply for a job that you have no interest in. You apply for a job in a field in which you probably have a natural talent or inclination or curiosity about because then you can put your energy into it. You don't sit there and think, you know, I'm really not good at doing A and B, and there's this industry that I'm not really suited for. I think I'll apply for a job there. You don't do that, right? But we ask our kids to do that all the time.

It's not natural, right? So, and it's not like your child, right? It's not like he's chosen like, listen, I really want to grow up and I just want to be oppositional. I just want to be particular about things. I just, my brain needs stimulation. So I'm just going to push people's buttons all the time,

and they won't understand it. And I also want a brain and a personality in which I get along better with little kids and animals and older people, but I struggle to connect with my peers because that's a whole lot of fun to go through 12 years of school not knowing how to connect to people your own age. It's not like they chose this, right? And so what the child says is, I've discovered that I get in trouble for simply being who I am, and I wonder why is everyone upset at me all the time, right? And so they'll also look at you and say,

you get frustrated and yell at me, and I do that. I get in trouble. Why don't you? Right? And it's like we've made it like, oh, they're just making bad choices. Yes, your kids make bad choices. They do. But the answer isn't just to give consequences and say, you need to start thinking about your choices, young man.

We have to give them tools. Right? thinking about your choices, young man. We have to give them tools, right? And so after a while, it just feels helpless and it feels hopeless. So it makes sense to me that a child would feel like this and say things like, nobody likes me. I wish I hadn't been born. I'm so stupid, right? Look, some of you do that. There are guys, guys I guarantee you you have a husband who has probably said before you know what you guys would just be better off without me because that's our immature way of handling things because we don't handle hard situations well at times right and so if life felt like it was stacked against you and you were always getting in trouble and you sensed that everybody was always unhappy with you, you'd probably say the same thing. Now I get it.

As a parent or a teacher you're gonna say this, look child if you would simply do what you're asked to do it wouldn't be a problem and you've probably thought this, you bring this on yourself. And I don't disagree with those statements right? But it's just that the kid, you're frustrated and you just want the child to magically shape up and behave all of a sudden. What I want you to know is it isn't going to happen. It's not. And I'm tougher on guys because I'm a guy, but I deal with a lot of dads. I'm like, well, I just need to keep at it here. Am I aware of the highway? And eventually he'll shape up. No, he won't. It won't change. You've been doing the

same thing for seven, eight, 10, 14 years. And all that's happened is you have an angry child and you don't have a good relationship with him. You have to change the way you do things. Look, I was in the corporate world. If our company or my division or my group had a strategy that we were trying to execute and it clearly wasn't working, we got together and said, hmm, that's not working. Maybe we should change our tactics or our strategy. Same thing with a strong-willed child. It's just frustrating. So it's not a behavior issue. It's not like he's making a choice every day just to be a bad kid because he wants to irritate you. What I hear is a child who feels helpless to change or be successful. So here's where I want you to reorient your thinking towards your child.

Our typical response is a child misbehaves, we react to it, and then we bark out consequences. We're basically punishing a child for failing. What I want to do is say, hey, I know I've got this child and he struggles in a certain area. Let me give you a quick example. I walk into a classroom and there's a kid and his legs are bouncing all over the place. I know that kid needs to move and if I don't give him some tools He's going to move but he's going to do it in an inappropriate time and he's going to get in trouble every single day in My class but if I pull him aside say dude, I could really use your help My mouth gets dry when I'm teaching I need you to refill my water bottle because I know you need to move

So we're gonna have a secret signal when I tug on my ear a certain way I want you to get up out of your seat, come up to my desk, grab my water bottle, take it to the back of the room, refill it, bring it up, sit down on my desk. Then you sit down. You don't get to talk to anybody. You're not going to distract anybody. I just need your help. You up for that? And I just created a success. I gave that child a tool to succeed, right? So what I want to do is reorient your plan from trying to convince this child to be better, because that's what we're doing, either through our rational lectures, which make perfect sense and still don't change anything, through yelling out of frustration or through consequences, to giving the child lots of tools and creating successes. We reorient from saying

no and stop doing this to giving a child missions to do. From no, stop doing that, to oh man, I could use your help doing this. Instead of trying to fix what we perceive as wrong, because it's not always wrong, sometimes it's your arbitrary standards and you got to work on that. Let's work with your child's nature to actually create success. And see, we're fighting the child's nature. We're basically saying, hey, here's the way your brain's wired, the way you came out of the womb. I don't really like it. It's really inconvenient. It's frustrating. So let's change your very nature. It doesn't work. But what if we use their ingenuity, that creativity, that love for building and creating, that curious nature,

the fact that your child might be tech savvy, right? What if we use that to their advantage and your advantage? And that is one of the main objectives I have. When I do phone consultations, I don't spend most of the time talking about all the issues your child has. You know why? Because I already know their issues. That's why you're calling me. Where we come up with solutions is to find out what is their nature? What are they naturally good at doing? What are they drawn to? Let's then use their strengths in order to come up with solutions to overcome their weaknesses, right? So we use their natural gifts, talents, and passions to actually change behavior and to motivate them, right? So for many of you, your child needs structure, and they kind of like structure, but they really want their independence as well. So I was talking to some parents, and they're like,

well, yeah, in the morning, I just lay out my child's clothes. See, there's structure laid out the clothes, and the child gets dressed by himself. See, you don't pull the shirt over his head and dress him when he's nine, but he does that. So you provide't pull the shirt over his head and dress him when he's nine, but he does that. So you provide some structure, but you give your child space to do it differently than you would do it, right? Same with food in the morning, right? Instead of it being like, instead of asking, well, what do you want this morning? See, for some of your kids, that's too many choices and it's not enough structure. So maybe, I'm not saying you do this every time, but maybe you leave a couple food options out on the kitchen counter or on the table instead of asking, well,

what do you want today? And you give the child some space to eat what he wants somewhere different in the morning, right? Now you can put boundaries. No, you can't eat on the sofa because we don't want you to destroy it, right? But they can eat on the floor. They can eat outside. They can eat standing at the counter. Be flexible with those things, right? And maybe here are some tools. A treasure hunt in the morning or when they come home from school. Kids love treasure hunts.

Or wake them up and say, why don't you hide something? I've got to find it, right? At school, I want a teacher when the child, a child who struggles at recess or during cafeteria time because there's no structure, well, I create a little structure. Hey, Jacob, listen, recess today. I could use your help. Next week, we're doing a new unit on reptiles. I know that you're really good at drawing and you really love dinosaurs and And Johnny over there loves to draw too. Hey, could you two help me out? If I brought some poster board outside, could you guys draw some reptiles during recess?

Because then next week I can hang it up on the wall. It would really help me out. I just gave the child some tools to be successful. And I showed off his gifts and talents. I teamed them up with another child. Hopefully they become friends. him up with another child. Hopefully they become friends. That helps with social skills. And I just created a success at basketball practice, wherever it is during that unstructured time. I want the coach giving your child a specific

job to do, right? So homework time. So here's a cool idea. I'm not saying it's going to work, but it's worth trying. Sometimes talking just makes kids angry. Even a thing like, guys, ready to do homework? No, of course they're not. Why even ask? It's like we've said with bedtime. Instead of saying, guys, ready for bedtime? It's, hey, you know what?

I'm really in the mood to go upstairs and finish that book we started last night. Because that's what we're going to do, but I don't mention bedtime, right? Because saying it's homework time is a trigger for a violent reaction for many of your kids. So you could try this. You place that math worksheet, slide it under your child's door with a pencil, and just leave it someplace and don't say anything. Sometimes kids will do things if you don't bug them about it. They may do it on their own because they don't want you standing over them

watching. Now, if they don't do their homework, then I give some tools, right? I don't care how or when you do your homework. If you want to review vocabulary words while jumping up and down on trampoline, I'm good with that. You want to do homework standing at the kitchen counter, listening to music while you can rock back and forth, eating a snack, absolutely. Want to do math problems upside down off the sofa, sitting on an exercise ball on the floor?

I don't care. Parent the other day in a phone consultation was like, yeah. Oh, you know what? Maybe we should go buy a desk for his room. I was like, what? No, you don't need to spend money on a desk. See, you're thinking about how you would do it. You want to sit at a desk because that's the rational kind of normal way to do it. The problem is they don't want to sit at a desk. So stop wasting money trying to get them to do it. The problem is they don't want to sit at a desk, so stop wasting money trying to get them to do it your way and learn how their brains work. And that's, I encourage you, if you have it already, listen to the ADHD University program because we teach you how their child,

how their brains work. And that's either in the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything, but it is phenomenal because it teaches how their brains work. Let your child do their homework somewhere else. So the overall theme that I want everybody to get out of this is this. For the next two weeks with parents and teachers, instead of just saying, well, Johnny's doing this wrong. What consequences can we give him? Let's shift for two weeks to, hey, our child, the student is struggling in X area. What two or three tools could we give this child so that he can do better in that area, so he can succeed? And let's start doing that. Put your child in situations in which they succeed every day, and then affirm them for the things they're doing well, right? I mean, it can be a simple thing like,

you know, Jacob, some moms have to get their kids dressed every day, but I don't even have to remind or help you. You just get dressed by yourself. And that shows me you're growing up. Hey, what else do you want to start doing independently, right? And then giving tools in every situation. I'll make one more point. In the real world, if I'm running a company or I'm a manager and I have

an employee who is struggling with his work performance, I can walk into their cubicle and say, listen, you either up your game or you're fired, right? But that's probably not the best way to do it. I would probably go in and say, hey, you're a valuable employee. We hired you for a reason, but I've noticed you're struggling with these projects. Maybe we can send you to training to teach you certain skills that you're missing so that you can be successful. We do the same thing in the real life, but we don't do it with our kids. We just bark things at them and assume that they're being difficult on purpose. So this week, let's get inside your child's brain. Start to see them differently. Learn how your child's brain works and stop making them do things your way. And let's give them tools to succeed. Do this for a couple weeks. I guarantee you, you will make progress. Your child will feel better about

himself. You'll have a better relationship. It just works better. So if we can help you in any way, let us know. Just reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com and we will help you out. Love you all. Please share the podcast and we'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.