Calm Parenting Podcast - Intense Kids: 2 Ways to Calm & Build Confidence

Episode Date: November 28, 2017

Intense Kids: 2 Ways to Calm & Build Confidence Stumped how to calm an upset child? Kirk shows you how to use your own intensity to calm really upset kids and build their confidence. You can use these two strategies today! Email [e-mail] with the word INTENSE in the subject line or call 888-506-1871 to book Kirk at your school/church or get help with our resources. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Hey everyone, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us on the web at CelebrateCalm.com. We've got a Facebook page, Celebrate Calm, but I wanted to talk to you today about intensity. Two different ways to use intensity to actually change your kids' brains in really helpful ways, and this is partially important because many of you are really intense people because I've met you at live events and you'll come up and ask me questions. I'll be like,

whoa, there is a type A person standing in front of me. And the reason I know that is because I'm that way. And I'm a pretty intense, driven type A person. And when we talk in our workshops and our programs about being calm and controlling yourself, a lot of intense people come up and they're like, I'm just not naturally calm. I'm like, I'm not either, right? But that's where the power is in this is when you take that intensity, right? I like your intensity as a parent. I like that you're type A, but now I take that intensity and I use it in very purposeful ways to actually build your kids' skills and give them tools. Well, that's a fantastic trait, so I don't want you to be just some like docile kind of person out there, unless you're made that

way. That's perfectly fine that you're like that, but you're type A people out there. I can use that intensity. So no matter how you're made, I want to cover two different ways that we can use intensity. And the first one is this. Oftentimes, we'll hear people say, oh, my kids are just looking for my attention. No, they're not. The kids don't want attention. They want your intensity. Because the human brain is drawn to intensity. And wherever it gets that intensity easiest, it will begin to seek it. And unfortunately, this is what happens with most of our strong-willed kids who get in trouble a lot. They only get intensity when they do something wrong. How many times do I have to tell, you know, young man, look at me,

look at me, look at me when I'm talking to you, right? And you can feel that, right? Because when they do something wrong, here's the message we send. Oh, young man, you've got my full attention right now. Because when I, my kids speak the wrong way, if they don't do what I say, oh, I'll take my head out of my screen, I'll take the head out of the paper, and I'll look at you, and I will give you some intensity right then. And here's the really scary part of that. Most of the kids that I work with and most of your strong-willed kids get a lot of intensity when it's negative.

And what the brain scans show is this. When kids get continual negativity from their parents, from teachers, from other adults, even from other kids, their brains physically change so that their brains begin to seek that negative intensity. Why? Because it's the easiest way to get it. Right? So, look, the only time we look in their eyes is when they do something wrong. So here's your homework for the next three days, and then the next 30 days, and the next 30 years.

Reverse this. Let's begin giving kids intensity when they make good choices, right? So sometime next couple days, go to your kids, look in the eyes, say, you know what? You know what? That was a good choice you just made. Proud of you. Now, I'm kind of just kidding. If you look in the eyes, you're going to freak them out when you say that. But what I like is I want to begin giving kids intensity when they make good choices. Right. So so the two things we do is I don't give emotion to kids when they do things wrong. It's just even a matter of fact. Hey, jumping on the sofa, it's not happening in my home. Hey, using that kind of language, you can do that in this home,

but all that's going to happen is you're going to lose all your stuff. So I don't think you want to go there. But listen, I can hear that you're frustrated. I can hear that you're upset. If you want to grab the football, I'll meet you outside and I'll play catch with you. I'll listen to you and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. See, my intensity there didn't go to, you know what, you better watch that mouth right now, young man. See how that intensity goes and it just escalates every single time. So when kids are doing something wrong or negative, I go very low key. No drama.

Okay? That's just not happening here. Hey, that's, right? But my intensity and my emotion and my energy goes into, oh, but I can tell there's something going on, and I want to help you problem solve, so why don't we go do X, right? So I encourage you in the next few days, let's turn that around and let's notice when kids do things well. Now, intensity doesn't always have to be being loud with your kids or saying, man, you just made a really great choice. I'm really proud of you. In fact, sometimes the best praise and affirmation of your kids sounds like this. Hey, you know what? It was a really

good choice you just made. Proud of you. Fist bump. And then I walk away. Very, very simple. Not really overt. I know as a dad, when I come home sometimes, I just tell Casey, hey, listen, mom's been texting me all afternoon. And he'd be like, oh man, am I in trouble again? And I'd say, she said you've actually been helping out today. It's the way we do it around here. Right? That phrase, I love that phrase. I teach a lot of, I train a lot of teachers to just walk up to a kid in class sometimes and say, hey, good choice.

It's the way we do it in my classroom. And there's something very affirming and intense about that, even though it's very low key. And I would encourage you, when you praise your kids, don't do that whole overt thing, right? Like, oh honey, you made such a good choice. I'm so proud of you, because it sounds condescending, because here's what you're really saying. Honey, I never thought you'd actually make a good choice. I'm so surprised that I'm going to make a big deal out of it. And you know what happens when we do that, make a big deal out of it? It creates pressure because here's what your kids are thinking. No, no, no.

I didn't just make a good choice. Now you're going to expect me to do that again someday, and I can't promise I will. So very low key, but the intensity is with the eye contact and just with the gravity of how you're saying it. Hey, that's a good choice the gravity of how you're saying it. Just, right, and hey, that's a good choice. I like how you did that, right? Even a text to your kids. Hey, I like how you did that. I'm proud of you. That's a very powerful statement for many of your kids. And by the way, I'd written on here, my little note thing here, you know, you got to get your husbands

involved in this. I know there are a lot of men listening to this, so thank you, but you're important in this. And a man's affirmation and intensity is really important, but for most of us as men, it just comes out as yelling, what were you thinking about? How many times do I have to tell you? Young man, one more word from you. And all of our intensity is negative, right?

And what happens is your kids won't come to you anymore, and they won't trust you because all you do is give them intense negativity, and I want them to come to you both as moms and dads because you guys have wisdom to help them. So anyway, next three days, let's use intensity in very positive ways, and remember we praise for progress, not perfection, right? So I always use this at live events. And this is one of the reasons that I love doing live events.

So make sure you email. Email my son. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Email him the name of your school, church, foster care, adoption agency, whatever it is, and your city and state. And that's all you have to do. And we'll know what you want. You want us to come speak.

And we'll send you a one-page proposal that you can forward to your PTA, your principal, whoever it is. But the live events are very powerful because we can kind of script these things and we can show them. You can hear the tone of voice. So remember, next three days, let's do that with intensity, guys, I want you on board with this, so second subject with intensity is this, and this may only apply to a few people, but it's a very powerful tool, but you're just going to have to feel it out and experiment with it, and I trust you to know what's best for your particular child, but a lot of us have kids who get really intense when they get upset, like super intense.

And you can't reach them. And just doing our typical, as you know, many of you know we do this motion changes emotion kind of thing. And you'll hear that on our audio CDs. You'll hear that thing, and it's very effective doing push-ups and coloring and building with Legos and playing catch with a football and dancing and listening to music, all those things to calm kids, but this is the one I want to focus on today. We had a lot of kids who used to come to our house, and for those who don't know, we used to have 8, 10, 15 kids at a time come into our home, and we had over 1,500 kids actually come through our home over the

course of a decade, so we can teach them this stuff. Well, I have a lot of kids who are adopted from Russia or Eastern Europe who had been in orphanages, and a lot of these kids had attachment issues, and you know what? It can be any of your kids. They're just strong-willed, intense kids, and I remember one of these little Russian kids, his name was Alexander, because they were all named Alexander. And he'd get really upset very quickly. And I found that nothing I was trying was working with him. So I know that there's this principle of matching intensity for intensity, because I came up with that principle, and I thought it was kind of cool. Because it works a lot in life, right? Like, if you ever notice, sometimes people with ADHD who are very intense, you give them caffeine, sometimes it

actually calms them down, has kind of the opposite effect of what you'd want. So, this is what it would sound like when Alexander, one of these kids, was getting really upset. I would look at them, and sometimes I'd look them in the eyes because their eyes were on fire. And so mine would get on fire, and I'd say, Alexander, I can tell you're really frustrated, man. So am I. You know what I do when I get really frustrated?

I do jumping jacks like this. And I would begin doing these freakish jumping jacks where it was really super intense. Or I'd get down and I'd do push-ups in a really intense way. Or if we were outside, I would begin running around my house like a crazy man, just really intense. And so what I wanted was for him, I wanted to lead him with my intensity so he would begin doing the jumping jacks or push-ups with me. So watch the distinction. I wasn't directing intensity at him. I wasn't saying, Alexander, you better calm down right now. Right now, some of your kids at times, that intensity toward them

can actually help, but I'm not a big fan of that because usually it makes them more upset. So I wasn't going at him and I didn't say, you know what, you better calm down. Why don't you do your pushups or your jumping jacks now? So I wasn't telling him what to do. I was acknowledging his frustration, but I was acknowledging it with intensity. And I was bringing it back to me. So instead of telling him what to do, because in that moment that's very difficult, I was telling him what I do when I get really upset. When I get upset, I do jumping jacks like this. And it was weird, and oftentimes it was very awkward

because he'd look at me like, what are you doing? But more times than not, he would begin doing the push-ups or the jumping jacks with me, and I was leading him to a calm place, and I was using his intensity in positive ways. And so he and I would begin doing the jumping jacks or we'd run together where we do the push-ups on the ground. And I could say, man, that was, look, I've never seen anybody do 20 push-ups that quickly. Let me see those guns, man. You're going to be ripped if you

keep doing this. And it was, I was giving him something else to do, a different way to use intensity rather than yelling and screaming and hitting other kids or hitting at me, which he would occasionally do. I hope that makes sense. I just have to encourage you, try that with your kids. And I love, I love, you know, experiment with experimenting with some of these kids. But I'm using the intensity in both of these situations in very positive ways. So listen, if we can help you at all, email or call us. Email my son Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Go to our website. If you're listening to this during the Christmas season, we've got a huge Christmas

sale going on with all of our materials. You know, there were two ideas there. I've got hundreds of strategies like this literally hundreds that are practical and that really work and that's why I want people listening to our CDs because when you listen over and over and over again this becomes part of who you are and then in the moment you know exactly what to do and just think if you could take these situations and begin changing the way your kids feel about themselves and you actually had tools practical tools to know exactly what to do it's a really cool thing so you can look at that on our website if you need help email casey and say hey i need help

picking out the right resources for our family he's awesome at this and you can call 888-506-1871 and um book us in your town, and I'll come and I'll meet you. And I love answering personal questions from people when we're at live events. So thanks for caring about your kids. For all you Type A people out there, use your intensity in really positive ways, and it's a really cool thing. Anyway, thank you for loving your kids so much.

Bye-bye.