Calm Parenting Podcast - Kids Anxious, Smashing Toys, Calling You Stupid, Refusing to Eat, AM Routine? #453

Episode Date: February 26, 2025

Kids Anxious, Smashing Toys, Calling You Stupid, Refusing to Eat, AM Routine? #453 I love this podcast. I recorded this while tired so I'd be more vulnerable and direct without filters. It's packed with practical strategies and insights for tough situations when natural consequences don't work. Get scripts for what to do when kids smash toys and break things, refuse to eat or go to a new activity, call you "stupid" and struggle with morning routine.  This is the FINAL week of our Winter Sale on the Get Everything Package. Begin 2025 with hundreds of practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products and make 2025 DIFFERENT. AG1 AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calm  HAPPY MAMMOTH Get 15% off on your entire first order at https://HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout.  HUNGRYROOT.COM Get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to https://hungryroot.com/ and use code CALM. ONE SKIN Go to https://oneskin.co and use code KIRK at checkout for an exclusive 15% off your first purchase. COZY EARTH Wrap yourself and your kids in Cozy Earth luxury...with 40% OFF! Visit https://cozyearth.com/ and use my exclusive 40% off code CALM.  IXL LEARNING Get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at https://IXL.com/KIRK. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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What about those kids who are just very particular about things and they get really irritated? How can you deescalate situations without having to go to those consequences, whether they're punitive or natural consequences? That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

You can find us and our big winter sale at CelebrateCalm.com. So I got a ton of questions after the most recent podcast on that FAFO, right? The, hey, F around, fool around, find out. I'm gonna give the child natural consequences because I really challenged you to think about this in a different way. So I wanted to answer some of those questions. And I also challenged you to think about this in a different way. So I wanted to answer some of those questions and I also want you to know I

am purposefully recording this late at night. Why? Because I'm tired and sometimes when I'm tired I'm less guarded and I'm a little bit more honest and vulnerable with what I'm really thinking. And I want to share that with you because I just find that it's helpful if I can just say what I really think. And you're always welcome to email and say, Hey, I don't really agree with that. Or, you know, I'm really struggling that you said that because sometimes I talk really fast or if I don't provide enough context, I know this is hard with these kids.

I know it would be so much easier if you just had compliant kids and you could tell them simple things like, oh, well, if you don't do that, this is going to happen. And they're like, oh, okay, I understand. I won't do that bad thing now. But that's not the child that you have. And so I deal with reality with the kids that we have. And I guess what I'm kind of feeling is, I want you to lean into this and embrace these kids and enjoy these kids.

And instead of trying to fight it so much because they are so difficult, I want you to understand their nature and spend some time really learning how they view the world. Because when you can enter into their world, you can lead them back out. And they are amazing kids, but they are not easy to raise. So here was the first question based on the last episode, which is, okay, you said like, you know, a child is frustrated and what man, this is so important for our kids.

And I know I say it a lot, but I really want to get it through to you you want Intense kids who get frustrated you really do because what that means is they care about stuff They're conscientious they get a vision for what they want to accomplish But they don't yet have the tools to carry it out and this can be a three-year-old and it can be a 15 year old And so they're not able to carry it out and this can be a three-year-old and it can be a 15-year-old. And so they're not able to carry out their vision so they get frustrated. And I know what that's like and when that happens to me, I don't respond with, well, gee whiz, that's too bad.

I guess this is an opportunity for me to grow. No, I get really frustrated because I have a vision. I have ideas. I want to carry them out and you want this in your kids. It just means you're instead of trying to change them, change how you respond to them. So in this particular situation, it is a kid who's playing with something. Let's say playing with a toy and they've got this idea of I want this toy to operate this way, but they don't work that way. And so now they're disappointed and frustrated and they start kind of banging the toy around and

every good parent comes in and says, hey honey, if you break that toy, you're not going to get another one. Well, you may as well just say, hey, you're not going to get another one. Well, you may as well just say, hey, why don't you go ahead on a destructive rampage right now and smash your toy and then go through the house and destroy some other stuff that I like? Because that's what's about to happen. And I get that, but this is not a consequences issue.

This is a frustration issue. This is a frustration issue and and the big opportunity, the big win early on is to teach your kids how to handle inevitable frustration because it is inevitable. This is their nature. This is who they are going to be the rest of their lives. Our son Casey is 31 now. He is not very different now in these ways than he was when he was a little kid, except that he's mature and he knows how to proactively handle these things.

We talk about it almost daily. Like even today, he called, he went late afternoon in the evening to go skin up, ski up this local mountain and it's a couple thousand feet and so it's some work and then you've got to ski down it and he called me. I said, so were you kind of about to be a jerk to your wife and he said, yeah I was sitting around all day I had all this pent up, so I needed to go work it off.

Well, that's a much better way of working it off than drinking or snapping at your wife or something else. And so here's what I would do with that child. They're getting frustrated and started banging things around and I know it irritates you. And I know like for me, you know what irritates me is the sound of it, of the toy being pounded against something I don't like noise and then there's a part of like I paid my money to buy you that toy you're not going to

destroy that toy just because it can't do some simple thing that you want it to do see there is my grown-up bias and what I'm basically saying is, hey four-year-old, eight-year-old, thirteen-year-old, why don't you act like a thirty-five-year-old? Well they can't because they're not a thirty-five-year-old and that's my own issue there that I'm projecting onto this kid and the kid is feeling all of that. They can feel your tone, your tone of voice, all of that. So instead I'd walk in and say, you know what, I'd be really frustrated too. Or this one, I love the phrase, of course. Of course

you're frustrated because you had an idea that you wanted to to carry out and now you can't. Well you know what I love about you is that you get ideas, that you get a vision for things. I love that you're driven to do that and now you can't. Well you know what I love about you is that you get ideas, that you get a vision for things. I love that you're driven to do that. And what's hard is that you have such big ideas you can't always carry them out. That's frustrating. See, now I've just spoken right to the child's heart

and said, this is what's going on inside, right? Rather than, well honey, do you wanna talk about your feelings? Do you want to identify what you're feeling? There's nothing really wrong with that, but in this case, that four-year-old or eight or twelve-year-old is gonna swear at you. Yeah, this is what I'm feeling. So you don't always have to ask. You can know that they're frustrated and disappointed a lot and so rather than creating watch this is interesting rather than create more frustration why

don't you think about how you're feeling and then we'll just talk about it no they need some action they know they need to know what to do you can't talk yourself calm it makes it makes them more frustrated you could even say you know what I'd want to smash that too Because it's not listening to you It's not like oh bang what you want it to do now if you have Some kind of recent experience handy in your mind. You can say you know what reminds me last week I was really trying to fix this in the kitchen and man it just wouldn't work and I remember thinking, I just want to smash that. See now your child is like you feel that too? Yes it's a common human feeling that you are going to feel and experience

hundreds if not thousands of times for the throughout the rest of your life. So here's the key there's nothing wrong with feeling frustrated and having that urge to throw something, to hit something, to smash something. That's normal. But here's what we're going to do. I want to teach you how to deal with that. So in this case, you can say, oh, you know what? I remembered I could really use your help. And this is where I ask them to do something that they feel in control of. And for some of your kids it can be moving something heavy. Remember we've used that one a lot. Hey could you move that bag of mulch? Hey could you go in the kitchen get that spaghetti jar out of the pantry for me? Do you think

that you could twist that top off for me? See what you're starting to do is you are teaching them to stop. You are using some movement. You know our phrase, motion changes emotion. I'm not going to be like, hey, why don't you just stare at that thing you're frustrated at and we'll talk about it for a while. No, we move away from that because we're moving physically and psychologically out of that space. And then we're giving some space and time. And I'm not standing over the child saying, I'm gonna watch you, and if you don't behave the right way,

you are going to lose everything that you own. No, I give them a little space where I'm not watching them, something they're in control of. And you can even relate this to your kids if appropriate. Look, we all do these things. What is your go-to? When you're getting really frustrated and your like steam is coming out of your head

and you just don't wanna rip into your kids, how many of you go to your kitchen sink and you just clean? You clean whatever's in the kitchen sink or you do that before bed, why? Because that gives you a sense of order and structure because inside you're like, the rest of my life is out of control. I can't control my kids or my spouse, but my sink is spotless.

Some of you go and organize a closet. And I said that once on Instagram and a mom's like, why did you call me out for my coping mechanism? I'm like, I'm not coping you out. That's a perfectly healthy coping mechanism. If your coping mechanism is cleaning and organizing, well that's productive. I think that's pretty good. That's way better than drinking or yelling at your kids. So watch this. This is cool and this is why

I didn't prepare all this because I want to be tired and think of these things. You are now teaching your child how life works. It's not like you over here, child over there, and now I've got to discipline that child over there. No, we're living life together, and I'm showing you, I'm the adult, and I get frustrated with things. That's what I began to teach Casey. I was like, Casey, I get frustrated,

and here's what I found in life. When I stay there and keep trying to work on it I get frustrated more and more and more and I start to swear and I end you because you hear me and then I start to like just bang it and because I'm a man that's we kick it so it fixes it and it makes it worse but I found when I walk away and do something else that I'm actually good at or feel mastery over, then when I go back to it, my head is clear, my vision is clear, and I can see it differently. And then I don't have to live with regret because otherwise I might break something in anger.

Like you were about to break your toy, but I know what that would feel like afterwards. You'd be mad at yourself and me, probably. You'd be mad because you broke your toy, but I know what that would feel like afterwards. You'd be mad at yourself and me probably. You'd be mad because you broke your toy, but because you walked away and did something else, your toy is still there and now we can go back. See, you're living life with them and you're modeling it for them and I think that is an amazingly huge opportunity to have with your kids. Many of us have kids who struggle with an overly rigid diet. Some kids are eating uncontrollably

and they're feeling a lot of shame. Any behavior around food that is affecting your kids' physical or mental health needs to be taken seriously. If your child's eating habits are interfering with their daily life, it might be time to seek support. And that's why I'm excited to introduce you to Equip. Equip is an evidence-based eating disorder treatment program that provides you with virtual,

evidence-based care so your child can heal at home. Each family has access to a team of eating disorder experts that include a therapist, dietitian, medical provider, and mentors with lived experience. Your family gets dedicated wraparound support that helps your child achieve lasting recovery at home. If you're concerned at all about your child's relationship with food? Don't wait to get an expert's advice. Visit equip.health slash calm for a free consultation with equip. That's equip.health slash calm. So guess who's been stealing my AG1? Mrs. Calm. She's trying to make that transition from so much caffeine or smoothies in the morning to starting

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And that's why I've been enjoying and partnering with AG1 for so long. The Valentine's Day is coming up. Why don't you and your spouse create a healthy habit together? It's more likely to stick that way and it's great mottling for your kids. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift when you sign up. You'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2 and five AG1 travel packs in your first box. So make sure to check out drinkag1.com slash com to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com slash com to start your new year on a healthier note. Okay another one of those F around and find out examples is hey if you don't eat your dinner you're going to go to

bed hungry. And I'll just be honest, it's just unnecessary. And I know some of you are like, well, that's the way it happened to me as a kid. Okay, but that doesn't mean you have to keep perpetuating that. You didn't like as a kid, you don't have to keep doing it. It also doesn't mean you have to like fix 18 separate meals for your kids and give into them. Just stop fighting over food.

Look, if I came to your house and you said that to me, I'd hate you because some nights I'm just not in the mood to eat certain things. Like tonight, I did a really big hard hike through the snow today. And when I came home, I just didn't want to eat this big meal for some reason. And I wanted we've got this really great. Some friends gave us this venison sausage and goat cheese. And it was just, that's what I wanted tonight. And so it's not like, oh, you're a picky eater.

I don't know. Maybe I am. But maybe it's just I have certain preferences on certain days like we all do. So teach your kids to cook, to heat up their own food in a microwave. But stop the fights over food. It's honestly not necessary. And if you do struggle a couple weeks ago I did a podcast on food issues sleep issues and potty training. Look that one up. Okay Anxiety issues and this is one of the reasons that the whole kind of natural consequences thing

Just doesn't always work with our kids because there's usually something happening Underneath the surface a lot of you have kids who struggle with anxiety Anxiety is caused by unknowns. So they don't wanna do new things. So when you try to get them to go to that new Tae Kwon Do class, they end up saying, Tae Kwon Do is stupid, you're stupid. I'm not going, you can't make me.

And they say whatever they can. You know why? Because they want you to give them a consequence. You know what? Go to your room for the rest of the night, rest of the week, no food, no a consequence. You know what? Go to your room for the rest of the night, rest of the week, no food, no video games. You know why? Because it's safe up in their room.

They just got what they wanted, which is I'm nervous about going to that new place because I might be rejected by other kids. The adult might not be that patient with me. I might not be good at taekwondo, and that makes me a failure, and then I'm gonna want to quit and dad's gonna say we don't raise quitters in this home and

there's gonna be a big power struggle and tears so just send me to my room because I can deal with that I'm used to that. So the real answer to that is and I'm gonna do a shortened version if you want the longer one I did a podcast five ways to stop anxiety driven power struggles last May. It's really good So listen that one but two quick things one. I Normalize anxiety right you should be anxious You should feel a little nervous your stomach should be a little bit upset because you are going to a new place You've never been to you don't know who the instructor is if he's gonna be patient

Is he gonna be a good guy not so good a guy you don't know if he's going to be patient, is he going to be a good guy, not so good a guy. You don't know anyone who's going to be there and you've never done this before. So that's very normal. And if you can relate it and say, yeah, I feel the same way when I have to go to parties or business get togethers, or I have to do a presentation for other clients, my stomach is upset, that's normal. See you're normalizing, you're not excusing it, but you normalize it. And that's like, so there's nothing wrong with me. No, there's normalizing, you're not excusing it, but you normalize it and that's like, whew, so there's nothing wrong with me?

No, there's nothing wrong with you. You should feel that way. And so then I always give kids a mission. I want the adult, wherever they are, to give your child a specific job to do because then when they're going to that new place, they're focused on completing their job. Again, something they're in control of. Listen to that other podcast, it'll be really helpful. But here's the point again. I have a child who is struggling with anxiety and instead of

going, look, you know what, if you don't go you're gonna lose X and Y and giving a consequence, you can't give a consequence for anxiety. Instead what I'm doing is saying, you are probably going to struggle with this for the rest of your life, and that's normal because everybody has things they struggle with. Let me give you some tools in order to handle that when it inevitably comes up on a regular basis. And now I'm starting to, okay, I normalize it, nothing's wrong with me. Oh, when I go to a business meeting I arrive early I focus on a specific job to do because that counters

the unknowns you're teaching you're showing all right now this is a cool one let's say there's a so this is very common when it's a let's say it's a mom is taking her daughter to her riding lessons and the daughter is putting on her riding boots but like many of your kids this daughter is putting on her riding boots. But like many of your kids, this daughter is very, very particular about how things feel. Like some weeks those socks feel right and some weeks they don't. And her boots this day just aren't feeling right, so she's starting to kind of throw around her boots a little bit. Now, here's your moment of decision. Because you can go with FAFO, right?

F around, you'll find out young lady. Young lady, if you do not treat your boots right, you will not ride that horse. And you know what your, I guarantee you, a hundred thousand dollars, I don't have a hundred thousand, a thousand dollars, how about that? A hundred dollars. I told you I'm tired.

I'll bet you a million dollars, right? That here's what's gonna happen. Fine, I don't wanna even ride the stupid horse. This is, right, your boots are dumb. You know what? Sarah's mom actually buys her nice boots, not these dumb boots that don't fit. Oh, and now you're going to go into a rage.

Why? Because this entitled little slut, I can't believe that she would act like this. I never got to ride when I into a rage. Why? Because this entitled little snot, I can't believe that she would act like this. I never got to ride when I was a child. I go out of my way to drive her 45 minutes to this farm and I know and I'm going to miss out. Right? Like all the legitimate things that you're upset about that you didn't get to do as a kid and you spend way too much money. And why can't she be grateful and thankful? And is is she gonna grow up to be an entitled brat? I get all that and that's why you have to control your own anxiety in these situations because otherwise you're gonna lay into her and say things you shouldn't say about her and she will

start to internalize that and be like, oh I know that's how you really feel about me, mom. But instead, this can be solved without really any words said. Mom is watching her daughter get frustrated. And you know I've said this a million times, nobody likes to be watched or corrected while they're frustrated. And so mom says, oh, honey, I'm getting a call.

Mom fakes like she's getting a phone call, steps out of the barn, gives her daughter two or three minutes to wrestle with her emotions, to wrestle with her frustration and wrestle with those boots and when mom comes back into the barn guess what? The daughter has her boots on, smile on her face, ready to go ride her horse like nothing had happened. See that's a lot better way to handle it. Okay I'm gonna try to fit one more in here. I didn't think I'd be able to do it. Warning routine, this is one of my favorite things. And so look I like the general concept of like the FAFO. I like the concept of like my job is not to control everything and I'm gonna give

you some power, some ownership over your choices Within my boundaries so quick version of this I tell my son. Hey case. Here's the deal I have one goal for you every morning. I want you on the school bus or in the carpool at 723 a.m. Every morning. Here's the thing. that's my goal. I don't care what you look like, what you smell like, I don't care what's in your stomach. If you are smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you are going to wear to school the next day, that is brilliant. You can sleep until 721, roll out of bed, grab that Pop Tart that I know you hid under your bed and you can run out to the bus. I don't even care if you have shoes on, you

can keep some shoes on the bus. Doesn't matter to me. All I want, 723 on that bus in that car. And if at the end of the day, he made the bus on time, fist bump, hey, nice job making the bus. Now inside, I hate the way my child made the bus. You and I have control issues. We know the easier, better, more effective way to do it. We want our kids to get up and get exercise and sensory pressure met and eat

blueberries and avocados so their brain is ready to learn and I want them to look nice so they can represent our family well. I want all of those things too. But the idea of ownership and I would go back and listen to the January 1st episode because we went through this in a lot of detail. You have to give strong will kids ownership of their choices just within your boundaries. See I'm not saying like hey if you want to get ready in the morning, if you do want to do your homework, if you want to do your chores, oh no those things are getting done. I relinquish control over how you get those things done because strong will

kids want to do things in a different way in a weird way and it will irritate you. And so that's the hard part. One of the hard parts of raising these kids is they're going to do things differently and it's not going to be the easy way and I know you want them to but they want to do it the hard way. They want to touch the hot stove. They want to figure it out themselves and if you will give them some space to do it, eventually, I promise you they will come back and do it the way that you have modeled for them. But they want to figure it out for themselves first. And so this is not a consequences kind.

None of these things required natural consequences or punitive consequences. They involve giving your kids tools to handle things differently and some ownership. Practice that this week. Look for opportunities to turn some things over to your kids and say, hey I'm gonna step back, control my own anxiety, my own control issues. I'm going to give you space to step up and do things even if they irritate me Because I trust that you can get that done. That is a beautiful phrase I believe that you're capable of getting this done Okay, so let your kids listen to this podcast if you have our programs let your kids listen and ask their opinion

It's really cool because your kids have definite opinions and say, what could we begin doing differently? What could you begin doing differently? And listen to them. It's cool, cool, cool thing to engage them in this process. Okay. Love you moms and dads. Thanks for working so hard at this. Thanks for subscribing to the podcast, sharing it, and just working so hard to change. We respect you so much for that. Bye-bye.