Calm Parenting Podcast - Kids Ignore, Resist, or Fight You? Get Them Moving More Quickly. #457

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Starting point is 00:01:01 Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. I have to share a funny story. So I go to my wellness exam with a new doctor and she says, you have such beautiful skin, which guys aren't used to hearing and I couldn't help blurting out. You need to try one skin at one skin.co and use code Kirk for 15% off your first order. I told her Mrs. Calm and I both use OneSkin because the changing seasons can cause your skin to feel irritated and tight. OneSkin's OS1 peptide helps calm your skin and reverse the signs of cellular aging. It's the first ingredient proven to help skin look, feel,

Starting point is 00:01:46 and behave like its younger self. Plus, it's easy to use. It makes my skin feel healthy and moisturized. Invest in the health and longevity of your skin with OneSkin. Your future self will thank you. Get 15% off with code Kirk at Oneskin.co that's 15% off at Oneskin.co with code Kirk and please let Oneskin know that we sent you. So do you have kids who resist you when you try to get them moving? Sometimes they'll ignore you, they'll dawdle, they'll go more slowly. You call them to come for dinner, get ready to leave the house, and you hear this like, oh five more minutes, just give me a minute, and you know it's not five minutes. Or you go to pick them up from a play date and your child

Starting point is 00:02:34 cries or lashes out at you. That's always awesome in front of one of your friends. Or they just refuse to get out of the pool. What about this? Your kids are playing video games and you're trying to get them to move. That is a huge trigger for some of us and it's tough. So how can you get resistant kids moving without a huge power struggle? I wanna show you a tough approach, but an even better way that melts the resistance,

Starting point is 00:03:02 changes your child's attitude and actually turns power struggles into bonding opportunities. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us and our Black Friday sale in March sale at CelebrateCalm.com. We're getting so much positive response to that.

Starting point is 00:03:22 We're just going to keep doing it for a little bit. So quick shout out to my friend Lincoln in Duluth, Minnesota. He listens to the podcast with his dad and he's been helping his dad by cleaning out the litter box, something he doesn't like doing. And the deal was, if he did that for a month,

Starting point is 00:03:37 he'd get a big bag of Twizzlers. So I just sent him a five pound tub. So Lincoln, I'm proud of you for stepping up and being responsible. Enjoy the Twizzlers, try to make them last a little while. So here's the principle. We want to enter into our child's world and lead them back out.

Starting point is 00:03:59 And this was prompted by a really good question from us parents. Hey, our strong willed child negotiates shocker when we ask her to come in for dinner, coming up with excuses to keep playing basketball. Now here's my answer. First, we just discovered a huge clue about how to help your child with schoolwork. This is something we overlook to our detriment. So one of the first steps I always ask parents to do

Starting point is 00:04:30 is simply observe your child. Your kids will tell you everything they need by what they do, because they will very clearly show you how they learn best if you watch and observe them. Notice what they naturally gravitate toward doing, what calms them. If you have kids that like being in confined spaces, where you do homework under the table or in a car or the garage,

Starting point is 00:04:56 in an attic, they can sleep in a sleeping bag in the closet or in a tent. And I can use confined spaces and sensory pressure to actually help calm them down. Look, this girl loves basketball, it's relaxing. So guess where I am going to quiz her about her math facts, vocabulary words, and history questions. Guess where we're going to have tough talks?

Starting point is 00:05:21 Right there on the driveway while shooting foul shots. I promise you it will work so much better there. So everything your kids do is a clue. Observe, take notes, be curious, experiment. So here are a couple options for handling this with your daughter. Number one, you can double down on tough consequences. Hey, I'll give you seven more minutes. When this basketball buzzer or music goes off, you must be inside within 35 seconds,

Starting point is 00:05:54 that's the shot clock limit in women's college of basketball, you've got to be inside within 35 seconds. For every minute that you are late, you forfeit 15 minutes of play time tomorrow night. I like tough firm discipline. As long as your expectations are crystal clear and your tone, as a matter of fact, no drama, no negotiation. You just do what you said you were going to do. You can try that route and it may work or it may devolve into more power struggles. Look, I wish I could just say, hey, if you're tough and firm like this, it'll work every time. It doesn't work that way with strong willed kids. So I like having a lot of tools in my parenting toolbox. Now, my favorite

Starting point is 00:06:40 strategy for this is different. I actually want to turn the power struggle into a bonding opportunity. So what if you went outside and did the following instead? Hey Courtney, I love that you're outside playing because you're outside. All the other kids are in the neighborhood have their heads buried in screens. So thanks for not causing endless fights over screens. Hmm, see that's kind of refreshing to hear from my parents. Instead of the lecture how I don't listen, I never follow directions, I always cause all these fights. Now I get to hear, I love that you're outside playing.

Starting point is 00:07:19 Hey Courtney, I admire your persistence and discipline in practicing foul shots to get better. Those qualities are going to serve you well in life. So say that. Now I forbid you to say, well, if you would just do that with your school and chores, you'd be capable of so much more. No, you don't do that. You are, you just affirm what they're already doing well, not what you want to change.

Starting point is 00:07:46 I could stop the podcast right there and just say, go do that for a week and watch what happens. And then you turn that power struggle into a bonding moment and you shoot foul shots with your daughter. She likes to be competitive. You say, hey, let's shoot 20, see gets more. You could get play a game of horse laugh and play together not every time but Sometimes and with the principle is connection comes before compliance, right?

Starting point is 00:08:18 So then you can say in a low tone. Hey nice job on the court, hey it's time to go in. While we're eating, why don't we talk about some different plays or strategies you can use in your next game? And this is why I call it entering in and leading out. You entered into her world to identify what is important to your child. You connect it. It doesn't even have to take that long. That can take two minutes, six minutes, seven minutes. But after you enter into your child's work world and connect, then you can lead them back out. And I'm, look, it's not about, I've talked about this, it's not about convincing your child, threatening, bribing. You lead these strong will kids instead of yelling.

Starting point is 00:09:10 You draw her into a conversation, breathe into that situation instead of fighting it. And you will not only get her to move, you will build amazing memories with your child and she will listen more. And I guarantee you this down the road. When this girl's a teenager, she's gonna say, hey, mom or dad,

Starting point is 00:09:30 hey, will you go shoot some foul shots with me? And that's code word for something's happening in my teen or tween drama life that I need some help with and I don't wanna just have a sit down talk looking you in the eyes. We can do it while we're casually shooting foul shots. I guarantee you that's what will happen. It is a beautiful thing and so then when you need your daughter to listen immediately you'll be able to say, hey tonight's a

Starting point is 00:10:02 code red night Courtney. We can't play because we need to go to your sister's soccer game, visit grandma in the hospital. But on the way there, why don't you tell me what you've learned in taking all these foul shots? Because I'm really impressed. See, you can do a mix where you say, hey, tonight's not that night. And see, even the tone of it is just, hey, tonight's not that night. And see even the tone of it is just,

Starting point is 00:10:25 hey tonight's not that night. And I like saying it's a code red night. Code red means, hey we really need to move. Because you know what, you don't really have to move quickly every night. And so I want you to use these things with wisdom and not say like, well every night's a hurry, you've gotta always listen.

Starting point is 00:10:44 No, not always because they're not. And some nights are a green night, which means, you know what, why don't instead of coming for dinner, why don't you just bring some snacks out and we'll just play out here together. Why wouldn't that be an awesome idea? And some nights are yellow, which means,

Starting point is 00:10:59 hey, I've got three minutes to shoot, okay? I'm gonna give you five, we'll each do five shots. And some nights, hey, red night, we don't have time, we need to shoot. Okay, I'm gonna give you five, we'll each do five shots and some nights, hey red knight, we don't have time, we need to go. And so if you use this approach, you can stop the power struggles with all kinds of different issues. Now what about a child who refuses to move when you pick them up from a friend's house or try to get them out of the pool? If you listen to the podcast, you know what I got for my birthday. More Cozy Earth. I'm not kidding when I say wearing this pullover.

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Starting point is 00:11:56 Casey surprised me with luxurious Cozy Earth Nantucket Bathhouse. It is the perfect mix. They're like super absorbent, but it's like spa like softness. So when I take my shower at night, I get to crawl into my buttery soft temperature regulating bamboo sheets. It's like sleeping on heavenly clouds. Luxury should not be out of reach, so visit CozyEarth.com and use my

Starting point is 00:12:19 exclusive code calm for 40% off best selling sheets, towels, pajamas, and more. Be sure to tell them the CALM guy sent you. It's my birthday, and I wanna feel great for many more of these birthdays. So I work out, I stay very active, and I begin every single day with my AG1. In the first 60 seconds of my day,

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Starting point is 00:13:14 I think you should try AG1 as well. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift when you sign up. You'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of d3 and k2 and Five free travel packs in your first box. I love the travel packs So check out drink AG one comm slash calm to get this offer. That's drink AG one comm slash calm And let's be healthy together So you allowed your child to stay an extra hour at their friend's house trying to be nice because this is a kid who complains it doesn't get enough

Starting point is 00:13:49 time and so you were being nice but it compresses your evening timeline and we have an agenda because it's a school night so there's a lot to do. So you show up at your friend's house and you make some idle chit chat but you are laser focused on getting your son home because you as a parent have 1800 things in your mind all at once. You know that if your child doesn't eat he'll be crabby and won't go to bed on time and you know that that showers after a long day are usually a fight so you're participating that and he's going to be wound up which means a prolonged bedtime and you're already tired and need the kids to go to sleep and you have another child

Starting point is 00:14:24 who's sick and you didn't get to the store today and your boss just texted about another project that is superseding the one you're working on after the kids go to bed and then there are a thousand other things that just have to get done so you walk in and the first thing you hear from your son is not gratitude for the extra time instead the child who you have sacrificed everything for is not happy to see you. Oh mom, why are you here? Just what you were hoping to hear from your beloved son. Get your shoes on Devin. It's a school night and right we start in on that as if he's going to say, right away mother, I know you have dozens of items on your checklist and I'm so very grateful you allow me extra time to play with my best friend

Starting point is 00:15:06 So I'll move extra quickly. Yeah, it's not happening. He basically Ignores you and yells I don't know where my shoes are as he runs off and yells excitedly to play with his friends some more and your shoulders kind of slump and cuz you don't have time for this and You know how this ends in threats under your breath. This is the last time you get to play with Jimmy on a school night and look you haven't done anything wrong. You're trying to be a good mom or dad. It's just hard. So let's try this next time. As you are driving over to Jimmy's house, a little reset take even 30 seconds and reset your

Starting point is 00:15:48 expectations slow down your world inside and Imagine what is in your child's mind and heart as you drive to pick him up Let go of your immediate agenda right to get the kid moving get get home each hour, bedtime. And make this your agenda instead. To connect. Do that first.

Starting point is 00:16:12 Because if you connect first, your child will move more quickly. But if you rush in leading with your anxiety, your child will resist you even more. And I know this is hard and it's counterintuitive at first, like just about everything we teach you, and it's going to bug you. But after a while, the more you practice, the more it becomes second nature. So you walk in and say with some enthusiasm,

Starting point is 00:16:37 even if it's forced or fake, I don't care, Devin, did you have like, did you have like the best time ever here tonight with Jimmy? And your child's going to be excited and you can say, what was the favorite thing you did? He's like, mom, dad, we jumped off the roof onto a trampoline and did a backflip into the pool.

Starting point is 00:16:56 It was awesome. And you're like, well, I hope the Johnsons have good insurance. But whatever your child did, it's okay to fake like you think it was really cool and fun. But really enter into your child's world right now instead of trying to convince him to care about your world and your expectations and your agenda and your busyness because he's a kid. Your child's

Starting point is 00:17:23 job is to have fun with friends. It's not to want to eat or shower or go to bed. Just recognize that that's reality and once you have connected with some intensity like that, you can begin to lead your child out. Hey on the way home, let's talk about some ideas for what you can do when Jimmy comes over to our house. And I know this will seem like, well, that takes a long time. No it doesn't. It's way quicker than if you just walk in and snap your fingers like your child's going

Starting point is 00:17:54 to be dressed and ready for you. It'll take much less time than trying to convince and bribe and threaten your child to get moving without all the embarrassment in front of the other parents. Now look you have every right to set this expectation from the beginning. Hey I am picking you up at 7 p.m sharp when I come to pick up we will thank the Johnsons and leave within five minutes or you will be waiting for me on the front steps with Jimmy when I swing by to pick you up, or no more play dates. This is just how I roll. These are my terms.

Starting point is 00:18:28 Look, I am perfectly fine with that. If there is a reasonable chance it will work with your particular child. I'm just a realist, and I know this would have never worked with Casey, no matter how calm authoritative leader I was with my even matter of fact tone. There was a time when Casey had a best friend named Aaron. And when I picked him up at Aaron's house, I knew he had the best time ever, he didn't wanna leave. And he was too wound up and excited about what he'd just done there.

Starting point is 00:18:59 So I used this approach instead, and it bonded. You know what, I bonded with his friends too. It just it was so good and so I want you to get your agenda completed but I want you to do it by entering in leading your child out because that's how you accomplish it much more quickly. I also want you to realize moms and dads most of your parenting agenda isn't really that important. It seems like it right now in the moment. But it just gives you some illusion of order and control, but it's not what you will remember

Starting point is 00:19:36 and it's not why your child is going to be successful one day. What is important is that connection, which almost always gets kids moving more quickly. So I use the same process if I'm trying to get kids out of the pool or ocean. Realize being in water is one of the most fun parts of childhood, so they're not ever going to want to get out. So you enter in, not physically unless you're really cool and you like jumping in with your clothes on, which would occasionally do that, but you enter in and lead them out. So let me cover this one.

Starting point is 00:20:11 You call to your child to get off their video games and come to dinner or go somewhere. Expect to hear silence. Expect them to ignore you or say, wait, hold on, I need to save it. Hold on just a few more minutes and expect to be irritated by that. And so you can do a really tough approach. You've heard me say it in other podcasts of, Hey, if you don't come when I call you and ask, then you lose your video games, your screens for three days. Hey, I give you X amount of time.

Starting point is 00:20:40 And if you go over that time, you choose to forfeit them. That's perfectly fine to do, but I'll mix a soft and tough approach here because this is what I did with Casey. So sometimes I would walk reluctantly up to his room irritated inside but suppressing that so I didn't start World War III and I'd watch him playing a game like Call of Duty and even though I hated video games and wanted him outside playing sports, I said, hey, that's actually pretty cool. I can see why you'd want to play this for hours. Look, our Strong Will kids often feel so misunderstood. And it's like, all you ever want to do is this. Why do you hide behind your video games? And it's like, we don't really

Starting point is 00:21:19 understand the needs that are being met there sometimes. And it's like our agenda and checklist get in the way. And I was just reminded of something, I'd encourage you to do this. A mom emailed and said, hey, we got all the programs from the Black Friday sale. We immediately let our two strong will kids listen to the Strong Will Child Program. And we asked them this,

Starting point is 00:21:42 listen to this program and tell us, do you ever feel like we misunderstand your motives? We want to know specifics. And she said we had the best discussions and think about what she said. It's like we are discovering who our kids really are now, not who we wanted them to be. Now that's gold. That will change your relationship and that will change behavior. So I encourage you to do that. Let your kids listen to our podcasts. Let them listen to the programs and then ask them for their feedback. It's a discussion. So when I went to get my son off the video games, he was expecting the lecture and the

Starting point is 00:22:28 threat. He was expecting my snotty tone and the negativity. Instead, I was curious about his world. And I remember him getting really excited, you know, not about chores or homework, but excited telling me, Dad dad you should see this they have recreated these World War two battlefields, so it feels like you're like right there in 1945 in France and so I began asking questions and leading him while we Connected over this and I have to say this is what ultimately helped me get him off video games

Starting point is 00:23:04 Because what I realized was, man, he's playing video games because he gets to use his critical thinking skills and he gets to be sneaky and use strategy. He led other kids. He was kind of team captain. It was stimulating. There was a challenge. He felt like he had a control of something. And something we miss with video games is this confidence. See, confidence is not built by just us saying like, hey, you're amazing, you're wonderful. It's by actually accomplishing something and being competent, competent at something.

Starting point is 00:23:35 And many of our kids are not that competent in the kid world or at school, even though they're very bright. And so they feel like they're dumb kids or bad kids. And when they play these games in their Own screens sometimes it's the one place where they just thrive and so instead of just Dismissing that and by the way instead of just saying look this is where you thrive play eight hours a day I didn't say that I said it's really important to enter into their world and

Starting point is 00:24:03 Discover that and so we I began asking questions. Hey, that's really important to enter into their world and discover that. And so I began asking questions, saying, hey, that's really cool. Let's talk more at dinner. And I can add something here and just say, hey, just know that if this isn't turned off in the next three minutes, you won't be playing again for three days. That's fair. You can do that. But see, I would connect and I'd say, oh, now I can understand why you'd want to play

Starting point is 00:24:27 because it is a challenge. You use your strategic brain. Why are you so good at call of duty? See, I asked him a question about something he was interested in instead of just asking about school and his behavior. What makes you so good? We connected over that. Now to this day, look this stuff lasts a long time. We trade off reading books about World War I and World War II.

Starting point is 00:24:56 That bond has lasted a long time. So it's not just about getting bonding with your child. Remember that a lot of what modern day parents do really well is bond with their child, but sometimes we don't go that extra step and actually change behavior. But if you use this approach, we not only bond, but you change behavior because your kids will transition more quickly.

Starting point is 00:25:22 So this week, you are going to have opportunities to do this probably within a few hours. So practice this. Make a note. Write it on your send it to your email of like enter into my child's world and lead them back out. That's cool. If you want a couple hundred more ideas take like that take advantage of the Black Friday sale. If we can help you in any way, let us know. Please subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any of the podcasts. We appreciate you sharing it. And most of all, I say this every week, I respect you so much for leaning into this, doing the really hard work to change yourself, break those generational patterns and create a new family tree. You are heroes to me. and I just love

Starting point is 00:26:05 that you guys are doing this and if we can help in any way let us know. Okay, love you all. We'll talk to you next time. Bye bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - Kids Ignore, Resist, or Fight You? Get Them Moving More Quickly. #457

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