Calm Parenting Podcast - Kids Who Complain: 2 Big Insights

Episode Date: June 26, 2022

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you save up all this money for a really cool trip to Disney or Universal or some cool, likely expensive adventure that you've been looking forward to. And the entire time, your strong-willed child complains, literally the entire time, about every activity, making everybody miserable. And then three weeks later, the grandparents come over and your child tells them what an amazing time he had. And you're like, what the? Right? Like that. So I have two big insights to share that will help you with this. It'll give you insight into

your kids and into yourself. And that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. We had this experience with these kids at our home when we did these camps back in the day where we'd have 8, 10, 12, 15 strong will kids, kids on the spectrum in our home. And we'd plan these cool activities and they would complain all day long, right? And you go, you bend over backwards to make it fun, right? You try to eliminate all the awful things and the stuff that we had to do as kids, right? You try to take that on yourself

and that they still won't, they still won't appreciate it. And so we also had this happen with our son, Casey. So if you'd ever need any help, you contact our son, Casey. C-A-S-E-Y, it at celebratecalm.com. Tell us about your family. What are you struggling with? Whether it's this or any of the other thousand issues that you struggle with. And we will reply back to you. If you need help with any of our programs, if you need help financially, just let us know. Okay.

And we'll do that. We just posted some new travel dates on both the East Coast and the West Coast and everywhere in between for this coming fall and back to school-to-school boot camps because it gives me a chance to specifically address individual issues and for everybody else in the room to hear and learn from that. So it's one of my favorite things to do. So these separate families just got back from their early summer vacation, experienced the same thing. So two huge insights, and then we'll go through each of them individually. Number one, oftentimes our kids express themselves and their disappointment at a greater level than they actually feel inside. So what you hear sounds awful, but inside they don't often feel it at that same level. Second insight, their complaining, their boredom does not obligate you to fix it for them. And that's where we get stuck a lot as parents. So let's take this one by one.

Number one, our kids often express themselves and their disappointment at a greater level than they feel inside. It's just how they process disappointment, frustration. It's external. See, because look, you work through feelings by talking, by hearing it come out, right? Just going into your brain and trying to think through everything and make decisions all the time is really difficult until you verbalize it. And look, it's also better in ways than bottling it up because some of you complain about your kids not sharing their feelings and then you complain when they do share them. And I get that. And I'd like to be able to say I've got a script to give you so that your

kids get to learn to be grateful and just express gratitude all the time. But I found that it doesn't work well in life to convince people to feel the way that you want them to feel. It makes everybody frustrated. So I want you to model it for your kids. Look, if you want your kids to be grateful, practice gratitude. Live a life of gratitude even when things go wrong. If you want your kids to be giving and selfless, then model that. Allow someone to cut in front of you in the line, at the grocery store, at the post office, while driving. Good luck with that.

Even when you're in a hurry because they do notice that stuff. But don't lecture them about it. Don't get snotty and like, well, you just, nobody responds well to that, right? And we know this. It usually takes some kind of moving personal experience or some maturity to give a larger perspective on life anyway, right? Look, I want to normalize some of this. Little kids are supposed to be a little self-centered, right? Because when they wake up, everything's new to them. They're too busy processing stuff to see the larger picture. Think about being a teenager. When you and I were teenagers, we didn't have great perspective on life. We weren't thinking about long-term

considerations all the time. Sometimes I did, but most of the time, you know what I was doing? Trying to figure out in the moment what I wanted to do, right? And I was impulsive. It's like, my friends are going to this thing. I have to figure out how to get to that thing and how to manipulate my parents into doing that. That's normal. I'm not saying it's right. It's just normal. So don't get freaked out about that. And I don't want you to expect your kids to be like little grown-ups yet. Do I want them to learn how to be mature and make good decisions and be responsible for themselves? Absolutely. But I don't project the responsibilities of a 40-year-old adult onto a 7-year-old or a 17-year-old, right? Does that make sense? I want them to be responsible, own their own emotions, own their behavior, but I don't expect

them to be 40-year-olds because you weren't like that when you were a kid unless you probably grew up in a home where one of your parents maybe was an alcoholic or a parent died or you had a lot of trauma in your life and then you were overly responsible as a child. And that causes a lot of issues now, right? Because now you can get resentful or you're overly responsible for everybody else and you develop some really bad patterns where you take everything personally. So that's a separate issue,

but we have to deal with those things, right? So here are some options when your kids are complaining. This is a fun one. Experiment with it. Join in. Just join in. Yeah, you know, I know exactly what you mean. I hate when that happens. Yeah, these lines, this is miserable sitting in the sun. Whose idea was this anyway, right? Sometimes when you join in, it's that acknowledgement and validation point, right? Like when you are having a bad day or let's say someone does something and hurts you and you bring it up with one of your friends, you're like, you know, Sally said this to me and it really hurt. You don't want your friend saying, oh, you're just overreacting. I'm sure she didn't mean. What you want to hear at first is, oh man, if my friend had said that

or done that to me, I'd be really hurt. That's what you want to hear. So experiment a little bit with joining in and valid. Yeah, I'm frustrated too. Yeah, sometimes this part of the trip isn't the most fun. Here's another option. Give your child to vent for a certain amount of time. Maybe it's when they come home from school or in the morning. Hey, here's how it works. For six and a half minutes, I always like interesting time limits. Sticks in the brain, it makes it more interesting.

Your kids listen better. For six and a half minutes, you may vent about whatever you want. You can complain about your teachers, about other kids in class, about the arbitrary nature of the school system. You can complain about me. You can complain about your teachers, about other kids in class, about the arbitrary nature of the school system. You can complain about me. You can complain about your president. You can complain about anything and everything. But when that six and a half minutes is over, then we problem solve.

See, you're giving a little bit of opportunity, some time to do that, but it's not endless. You have boundaries. Six and a half minutes, I'm good with that. But after that, nope, not going to listen anymore because I gave you an opportunity. Now look, use some wisdom. If your child is going through something very, very deep and difficult, right? You don't like cut them off at six and a half minutes. But I'm saying for those, just those, those venting sessions about things that aren't actually that important. By the way, they may actually be important. Actually, I'm just making a note. I just added this as I'm doing this. I'm making a little note

of actually listen. You may get some insight poking away, typing while I'm doing this by listening and not just being aggravated all the time. Here's another option. Give your kids some intensity during these times. It works sometimes when your kids are melting down. Sometimes it can work when they're complaining. Kids love intensity and connection. See, ignoring it makes it worse. Here's a simple statement. You know what? If I were you, I'd probably feel disappointed too. If I were you, I'd be bored as well. Now, so that's validating. That's entering into it. We talk a lot about that in the No BS program. You enter into things instead of trying to dismiss it, instead of trying to fix it. You just enter into it,

right? It's one of the things to try to teach dads, husbands to do. Enter into it. You don't have to fix it. When your wife's having a bad day, just enter into it. You don't have to fix it all and you don't have to dismiss it. Now, here's the second point. Just because your child is complaining or bored, whatever it is, does not obligate you to fix this for your child. I'll say it a different way. Your complaining, your boredom does not obligate me to fix this for you or to make you happy. And I have this down in bold letters. Your child has every right to complain, but you have no obligation to fix it for them. That's really cool because now we're establishing some good boundaries on what everybody is responsible for. for, right? But that's, look, that obligation, that feeling of like, oh, they're unhappy and they're complaining, partly why it bothers us so much is because that complaining implies some presumption that you will take action to relieve their boredom, their disappointment, their

frustration, or somehow make it better. But that is not your obligation. Let me say that again. When your kids are complaining about something, when they're bored, part of what bothers us is there's some kind of hidden pressure or a presumption that you as the mom or dad are going to take some corrective action to actually relieve their boredom or their disappointment or their frustration to somehow make it better and fix it. But that is not your obligation. So here's a script that I want you to use. Again, I don't get snotty with kids. I don't lecture and get snotty. You know what? When I was a kid, who cares what you did as a kid? It just makes you sound old and your kids don't care, right? So here's a mature

statement. I'm okay with you being bored. I'm perfectly fine with you being frustrated, being anxious. Don't confuse my validating your feelings with having some obligation to fix it or relieve you of those feelings, right? I'm okay with you being bored. You have every right to be bored, but just don't confuse that with an obligation on my part to fix it. You can simplify it. I'm good with you being bored. Boredom is your choice that you're making, but it's not my job to actually fix that for you, right? I cannot own how you feel. Only how to model, only to model how to deal with your disappointment and give you perspective, right?

I can't own how you feel. If you want to feel bored, if you want to feel frustrated and anxious right now, you can do that. I'm okay with that. I can't fix it. What I can do is model in my own life how to deal with frustration and disappointment and boredom and give you perspective because I love giving perspective. See, I love being able to say, hey, here's something to think about. What I have found in life is that when I feel a certain way, here's what usually works for me. The choice is up to you. See, now I've put it in their court. I'm refusing to take ownership of fixing that for them. That

is a healthy response. You're not being mean. You're not being snotty. You're not being dismissive. You know what? You should just be grateful for every, I hate hearing that. You don't want someone to tell you that either, right? You're not being mean, snotty. You're not being codependent. You're not coddling your child. You're establishing proper boundaries for everybody's emotions and responsibilities. And if you listen to the Calm Parenting Package, which if you have it, please listen. That's why you got, if you don't't, go to the website and get it. It's the cost of a trip to a therapist appointment, but you get 30 hours of real stuff that works. So you'll hear this gem if you listen. I am not responsible for you. I am responsible to you.

I am not responsible for you. I am not responsible for your happiness, your behavior, your moods, your boredom. I am responsible to you to model through my example how to handle disappointment, stress, and frustration so you have a living example, a living lecture, so to speak, right in front of you. Let's practice that this week because that will begin to change so many different situations in your life. And you can use this all the time with kids. Look from a three-year-old who's throwing a tantrum. You can throw a tantrum. I'm just not going to fix this for you. Here's another choice if you want to make it. Teenager throwing a tantrum, so to speak. Same exact tone of voice.

Same exact response. You have a right to feel this way. Nine-year-old, you can be bored. Just don't confuse that with an obligation on my part to fix that for you. What I have found in life is when I get bored, if I do X, that tends to help me. Choice is up to you. See, that's a beautiful thing, but that takes some maturity, takes some self-control that you're not reacting. You're not trying to dump all this stuff on your kids because you can't handle it. So let's work on that stuff.

If you need help, reach out to us. Reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Get the Calm Parenting Package to get everything packaged. If you want to come to the boot camp, sign up for it. If you want to do a phone consultation, you do it right on the website. It's easy. And we'll talk together and work through these issues. Thank you all for listening to the Calm Parenting Package.

Thank Calm Parenting Package, Calm Parenting parenting podcast thanks for sharing it with other uh parents and um please let us know if you need anything because that's what we exist to do love you all talk to you soon bye