Calm Parenting Podcast - Medication For Behavior Issues? Try These 7 Strategies First.

Episode Date: December 12, 2021

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hurt relationships and don't improve behavior. So at the moment, I'm kind of PO'd because I get these emails every day. And let me set this one up for you okay and this could be kids of any age but this is a younger child who's getting a little bit physical he's aggressive sometimes with the other kids at school and he has said before that I don't like myself right he has trouble connecting with kids his own age but he's a really bright kid he loves to draw he loves to build he's really good at Minecraft right just knowing that knowing that, I know, man, the way that this kid envisions things and sees things in his brain, probably seeing in three dimensions, and he sees these things, and he goes and builds it. There's so much to build on

there, right? And we overlook all those things. But anyway, at school, guess what he does? He's so smart. He helps other kids read in his first grade class. So we're not talking about a sociopath here, right? We're just talking about a kid who's struggling inside, and out of that struggle comes some physical stuff that obviously we don't want. So here's what happens. Mom calls the psychiatrist, and the psychiatrist says, oh, we just need to medicate him. That should make you angry. Do people need medication sometimes? Sure, absolutely. Sometimes I use ibuprofen in the springtime when my allergies come on. I use Claritin. I'm not anti-medication. I just don't want it to be the first course, and I don't want it to be the thing

that some panacea. Look, we're missing an opportunity here to teach our kids lifelong skills, to give them tools they can use their entire lives, and actually change them from the inside out and build their confidence, right? And we get this. I just had a friend who took their daughter to a doctor and he wanted to prescribe anxiety medication. I know this family. I know that girl. She doesn't need anxiety medication. She just needs some practical tools to deal with her stress. So what do we do in these situations? I want to share some very practical ideas with you on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So, welcome. I'm glad you're here. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need anything, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Because he has been through all of this. He was your child. He knows all these dynamics and we are here to help. This is not a business. This is a family mission.

We take it very seriously. We read every single email that comes in and we talk about this and we will reply to you personally and usually very quickly. If you need help financially with anything, just let us know. Now, right now, we've got a huge Christmas holiday sale going on, so just look that up on the website.

It's got like 35 hours worth of practical tools to help you. So here's where my mind goes when I read about this child. One, what I key in on is not so much that he's being physical with other kids. I know that's going to get him in trouble and that's of immediate concern. What's causing that? What's underneath? Why is he saying things like, I don't like myself? What's the root of that? And then I want to get to the root of it because then a lot of the other things go away. And I want to be able to get some tools here that will create lasting shifts because, you know, mom and dad in this situation, like all of you, they're good parents. And so they talk to their son and sit him down.

You're like, hey, you can't push kids down and you can't be aggressive. You know, you've got to learn how to deal with that. Well, those things don't always stick when you just talk about them. So here are five or six quick things that I would do with a child who is struggling in this area. One, I would immediately enroll this child in a martial arts class of any kind, right? Because that's going to give him an outlet for being physical. And they will teach him the appropriate, respectful use of force. Kids learn that from martial arts classes. It can be very effective.

You've heard me talk about the obstacle course, so I'm not gonna talk about it a lot, but I want this kid to be doing physical, appropriately physical things and wearing him out as much as possible. So whether it's in the basement or backyard, to have things to climb under, crawl over, pull, push, shoveling mulch, doing heavy physical work

is actually very calming for many of these kids. I want to give them tools to succeed, right? With these kids, we lecture them, we give consequences. They're on the red, on the behavior chart all the time, but we don't take the time to actually create successes. Let me give you one idea. I just gave some teachers on a teacher training that we did via Zoom. If you're interested in that, ask Casey about it because you could actually sponsor training for all of the teachers at your school. And it's extremely affordable when I do it via Zoom and extremely time effective because I can cover a lot in an hour and I can cover a ton in

an hour and a half. So it doesn't take too much of the teacher's time, but I can rattle off a lot of stuff because you know I talk very quickly. So you have a child who, let's say at recess, just struggles. Why? Well, one, many of our kids have control issues. They don't feel in control of themselves, so they feel like they have to control everybody else. And that's why they struggle with games at times, and they want to change the rules of the game, cheat or quit. Most of our kids struggle to connect with kids their own age. So recess time, lunchtime without any order and structure is very difficult for them. So I want to create a success. So you know what I'm going to do with this little guy?

I'm going to pull him aside and say, hey, Dylan, that's not his real name. Just making that up. Hey, Dylan, I could really use your help. How many of you know those are magical words for strong-willed kids? They love feeling like adults. They like feeling helpful, not toward you as parents, but toward other people they do. So like feeling helpful, not toward you as parents, but toward other people they do. So the teacher says, Dylan, listen, I need your help. Next week, we're going to do a new unit on reptiles. And I know you're really good at drawing. See, I want to use his gifts. I want to use what he's naturally good at already instead of trying to fix everything that's wrong. And so Dylan, I know you're really good at drawing. I need some help. And I know

that Jimmy over here, he's really good at drawing too. If I brought some poster board outside at recess time, would you two work on this project together? Because it would really help me out. And now watch what we're doing. We're giving two kids a project to work on. They're not competing with each other, and they're probably going to find they both love dinosaurs, and they find they have something in common. That's a good way to connect. We're connecting two kids who are doing something together,

but it's also kind of individual. We're creating a success. And then you know what we're going to do? We're going to take what they drew, and we're going to put it up on that whiteboard or blackboard and show it off next week to the rest of the class so the rest of the kids get to see, yeah, sometimes Dylan's not always that great at playing on the playground, but man, that kid can draw and he loves dinosaurs.

And we're showing off his talents. And we just, in that situation, which normally would have probably would have resulted in him maybe pushing another kid down, stealing the ball, doing something else and feeling bad about himself. Well, now he feels good about himself and we're helping to create a success, right? Then here's what we do. For the time being, I would have as many guided play dates as possible, right? Create situations in which your son plays well or just does well with other kids. See, have them work on a project together at home where mom or dad are involved

because there you can be involved while they're working on a project and you can teach him in the moment how to handle conflict, how to handle the inevitable disagreements and frustration that happen when you're around other people. I would also do this. Instead of just talking to kids about their actions afterwards, well, in the moment, they're always going to say, yeah, I know that was wrong. I won't do it next time. And then they're always going to say, yeah, I know that was wrong. I won't do it next time. And then they're just going to do it again, right?

And that's why sometimes therapy can be not that helpful for younger kids because when they're at the therapist's office, everything makes sense. They're like, sure, I get that. I shouldn't do it. I won't do that next time. Well, then the next day,

they're going to be in a situation and their head's spinning and everything's moving so quickly and they're very emotional and then it happens there. So you have to role play. That's why we had camps at our home. That's why we didn't just invite kids

into a therapeutic office one-on-one. We put them in group situations so that we could teach them in the real moment, what are you going to do? And that's when I would role play different ways to handle disagreements with friends. Actually physically practicing walking away, physically practicing and saying words in that situation so that you practice how to handle these situations. All of us do this every day, whether we're at work.

Athletes practice the same plays dozens and dozens of times each week so that the muscle memory is there. So we want to build that in. We want to show them how to walk away. We want to show them how to get an adult. We want to give them the actual words to use and physically practice that. I would think of if this child has a certain superhero that he likes or an athlete that he looks up to, use that as an example of how you use your superpowers to control yourself and help others. We also want to always be

giving kids things to do instead of don't do this, don't do that. Well what can he do? Look we already know that he likes helping other kids in class when he feels confident because he's very very smart and so he knows how to read and so he's helping other kids read. So let's use that impulse in him. What can he use his superpowers for when there's conflict? How do you turn it around from, hey, you've got to stop doing this. If you do this again, here's your consequence too. Hey, you know what? You're really, really good at this. Next time this happens on the playground, what do you think you could do differently using your superpowers?

Next, and finally, I'm going to end with this to keep this short. Let's build his confidence inside. I want to change how he feels about himself by giving him tools, by creating successes, by using all of his gifts, talents, and passions. It's all the ways we mention in our programs. And I encourage you to listen. We've got a new app, so listen to them on the program. You know, it just triggered this example. We used to talk a lot in the Discipline That Works program. We talk a lot about doing role-playing. I hate role-playing personally. In the corporate world, it's like, hey, we're going to role-play. I was like, no, I think I'll be sick tomorrow. I don't want to role-play,

but it's extremely effective with kids. So let's use this gifts and passions. Let's have teachers give your child specific jobs and then affirm. Let's end with this. Affirm your kids when they do things well. I want the teachers at school walking by and saying, hey, saw how you handled that. Fist bump. Nice job. Hey, out on the playground, the way that you handled yourself today,

that was awesome. That shows me you're growing up. I like to lift kids up and give them something to shoot for that they can demonstrate that they're being more mature, a big guy, a grown up guy, right? And I wanna lift them up rather than trying to get them to just stop doing things. That's the approach I wanna take with this.

Look, if we do all of these things, right? We're getting martial arts and sensory needs met through the obstacle course, and we're gonna have guided play dates and role play and have teachers do some different things at school. If we do all of those things, and then this child still is having anger issues or certain issues, impulsive issues hitting people, well, then maybe we go and we talk to the doctor about other tools that we can give, but certainly not yet. And so I want to exhaust all of my other options, right? Look, let's change the morning routine. I want him getting some physical exercise in the morning before he goes to school.

All these things that we train teachers on, that we train you on, let's do those things first. And I bet we can make some progress with this child. And I bet we can make progress with your child, no matter what the situation is. So you need help, you reach out to us. Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com. Check out the big Christmas sale we've got going on over the holidays. It'd be a great time to listen to this, get a game plan so you start the new year fresh with tools to succeed and a positive approach. Love you all. Thanks for sharing the podcast. And if we can help you in any way, just let us know. Bye-bye.