Calm Parenting Podcast - Meltdowns Over Meaningless Things? Kids Won’t Let You Correct Them?

Episode Date: January 8, 2025

Meltdowns Over Meaningless Things? Kids Won’t Let You Correct Them? You have a child who lashes out and screams disrespectful things at you over something seemingly insignificant…and then later acts LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. When you try to talk to your kids about their behavior, they laugh or won’t even listen. This is a very powerful podcast with deep insights, scripts and practical action steps. Begin 2025 with hundreds of practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/calm-2025/ to take advantage of our New Year's Sale and make 2025 DIFFERENT. AG1 AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calm  HAPPY MAMMOTH Get 15% off on your entire first order at https://HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout.  HUNGRYROOT.COM Get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to https://hungryroot.com/ and use code CALM. ONE SKIN Go to https://oneskin.co and use code KIRK at checkout for an exclusive 15% off your first purchase. COZY EARTH Wrap yourself and your kids in Cozy Earth luxury...with 40% OFF! Visit https://cozyearth.com/ and use my exclusive 40% off code CALM.  AIRDOCTOR Head to https://AirDoctorPro.com and use promo code CALM to get UP TO $300 off today! AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee, plus a 3-year warranty—an $84 value, free! IXL LEARNING Get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at https://IXL.com/KIRK. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey moms, a big focus of the podcast in the new year is creating new thought patterns. And that includes making your health and your emotions a priority. And that's why I really appreciate Happy Mammoth, a company dedicated to making women's lives easier through all-natural products such as hormone harmony. Hormone harmony contains science-backed herbal extracts called adaptogens. Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors like chaotic hormonal changes that just happen naturally throughout a woman's life. Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and just feeling tired all the

time. The biggest benefit? I feel like myself again. That's what women say over and over in 30,000 reviews of hormone harmony. It's time to feel like yourself again moms. For a limited time, you can get 15% off your entire first order at happymammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout. That's happymammoth.com with the code CALM. So you have a child who lashes out, screams disrespectful things at you, perhaps even throws and breaks something, and then later comes downstairs from his or her bedroom like nothing happened. Or maybe your strong will kids laugh when you're trying to discipline them and that infuriates you. So how can you handle these situations next time? How can you be tough with discipline, but also actually teach your kids important skills

and lessons? That is what we're going to discuss on today's really awesome Calm Parenting podcast. Because look, I'm really excited about this one. I hope you will share it with other parents. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com where you will find we've got a new podcast directory of past episodes there in our New Year's sale so you can break these generational patterns.

So has your child ever had a meltdown and then later acted like nothing happened? Kind of just comes downstairs carefree and casual. Hey mom, can I have a snack? And you're in shock. Wait, what? You just called me names an hour ago and now you're acting like nothing has happened? Look, our son did this frequently and every time I handled it the wrong way. And a really great mom reminded me

of those fun days back then with this email. She said, two days ago, I was listening to your programs on my commute and I heard you address this issue. And I thought, well, that doesn't happen with our home. Well, it happened yesterday. And I can't tell you how much it meant to me that your strategies were top of mind,

that I knew exactly what to do and how to help my son when he needed it most instead of freaking out. That's what we're after moms and dads so kudos to all the moms, dad, grandparents out there who are working so hard at this. So why do our kids do this? Why won't they accept responsibility for their actions? Well, the same reason we don't like talking to authority figures about our failings. It's shame. It's embarrassment.

Sometimes we feel helpless to change. And so our kids are ashamed or embarrassed about their behavior because they know how irrational and awful it was. And that is why kids sometimes giggle when they're being disciplined. And I know that infuriates you. It's not usually disrespect. It's just awkward for them.

So we'll ask like, well, why won't they be held accountable? Because nobody likes to be held accountable. I don't either. And lecturing isn't helpful. Your kids already know what they did was wrong. That's why they lie. Because they don't want the consequence. They already know it was wrong, but now they feel embarrassed and ashamed and kind of afraid of this awkward conversation you're going to have. What

does that mean you don't talk to them? No. So I'm gonna show you this. Look, I can think of, think about this. I can think about times I had a meltdown in our home as a grown man over something small going wrong. And that's usually what trips up your kids, isn't it? Something small that's seemingly insignificant and then they just rage over it. I'm made the same way and so I would have my tantrum or meltdown and then I'd storm out to the garage or I'd go outside or I'd go to my room fuming and processing it or I'd go for a drive and run an errand. Then I would walk back into the living room later with my family there and they'd look up at me and I'd try to say something fun like, hey who wants some ice cream? Who wants to watch

this fun video or show? Look it's like this walk of shame because everyone had just seen me at my worst, at my most vulnerable, out of control, over something stupid and not significant. And now I had to face them and somehow explain what I just did when there is no explanation. See that was hard for me at age 35. Now imagine being a kid having two parents sitting you down, looking you in the eyes, and they begin lecturing you, recounting the entire scene. Or sometimes worse, talking to you in that really sweet tone, like they understand, but it actually feels condescending. So let's think about that for a moment. What if my family had said,

you need to come sit down, we need to talk about your behavior. And then I looked up and my wife and kids were staring at me and maybe one has a look of disapproval and anger at what I did. Well, I'd feel defensive. I'd feel bad about disappointing them, but not knowing how not to disappoint them. And so say the other was looking at me with these concerned eyes and I'd be thinking, I don't want your freaking pity. And then they'd want to recount and replay this entire scene and keep asking, but why did you and as a grown man, I would probably blurt out, I don't know what do you want from me? You think I want to look like a complete fool in front of my family?

You think I'm proud of myself for this? Like it's some badge of honor? You think I'm not beating myself up inside and feeling like a piece of you know what right now and feeling helpless to change? Why are you all looking at me like that?" And then I would probably stomp off again and I'm a grown man. And the truth is it's hard for us to stop in the middle of lecturing or being upset and say, hey son daughter I'm sorry I just overreacted there. And if we can't do that as adults how can

we expect kids to have the maturity to stop in the middle of their meltdown and say hey mom dad I'm sorry I way overreacted here and I'm sorry right I used to escalate and make it worse I would guilt trip Casey I can't believe you would say those things. I would have never talked to my father like that. And here's what that really means. You're a worse person than I ever was and so beyond hope that you're lucky I even let you live here. You're so awful and unredeemable. Don't you feel like an awful kid right now? I mean, that's what he would be thinking inside. That's not what I was saying, but he would be thinking that. And part of what's happening in these moments is that your child is actually beating himself or herself up already. And then it feels

like we pile on and then they begin to internalize. I don't even know why you put up with me. I'm a bad kid. I have no idea what to do in these situations. I feel helpless. Yeah, see, some of us grew up with a shame mentality and we kind of keep perpetrating that on our kids. And it's critical to point out that we don't want to go with that really sweet tone and excuse it. Oh honey, it's okay. I know you were really upset and we all have bad days. No, see, it's not okay to yell at your parents, throw things, and slam doors. And that tone sounds condescending because what it really communicates is, well, you don't have other options or choices and you're not capable of handling it differently.

See, it may sound sweet, but it's not. It also says, I don't know what to do here. And it also says you're not actually capable of controlling yourself. And see, that creates confusion. That's not good either. Infusion that's not good either So in this moment think about this. What do you really want right now? Do you want an apology or do you want? Contrition do you want to check off some parenting box or do you actually want to teach your child? Handle the frustration that caused this in the first place

Do you want to prove that you're justified disciplining, or do you want to forge a closer trusting relationship? Because if you're standing with arms folded, awaiting for an apology, you're creating a defensive response and you'll never get the apology. Your child will also never open up to you later in the teen years because your child can't trust you not to pile on the shame. And I know some people, a lot of my guys I work with, well I need to teach that kid a lesson. Well that's making it about you. You're choosing to be offended by what a kid did and you're taking it personally and

you have to stop that. We're adults. I do want to teach the child a lesson, but not for my sake and not from vengeance or anger or resentment. I can't believe he talked to me like that. The lesson I want you to teach your child is how to deal with the disappointment, the frustration, the anxiety in healthy ways not suppress their emotions or not them just not to let them let loose whenever they want see those are the two extremes I'm gonna shut that child down or well we just let our kids say whatever they want no I don't want that either I want to teach them how to control themselves so here's what happened once when Casey was a little kid and I finally

got it right because he had blown up over doing something wrong and being corrected. He yelled horrible things at us. He threw something. Then he ran up to his room and slammed his door because that was a big trigger of mine. And so, and you've heard it from Pete previous podcast, sometimes Casey would do that because he knew I would get more upset than he was and the situation was no longer about what? He had done wrong, but about me losing it So I had upstairs to ream him as usual even though there was this war there was a war Inside of me you're gonna wrestle with these things mom and dad's moms and dads, right? It's like It's am I letting this

kid get away with things? How is he ever going to treat his future spouse and boss correctly if I don't discipline him here? Why is he doing these things? What have we done wrong? Do other kids do this? What if our relatives are right and we need to come down harder on him. But inside something was gnawing at me and I knew I had to wrestle with this. So I asked myself, what is Casey expecting right now up in his room? Because he was up there expecting an angry or disappointed parent or both parents, which is brutal because now it feels like you're being teamed up on as a kid. He was expecting this angry parent to stand in his doorway, hands on hips, lecturing and disciplining, i.e. yelling and shaming him, because that's what I used to do before I learned that discipline means to teach, right?

And so I was going to be standing there angry and saying things like, what were you thinking? How many times do I have to tell you I would have never done this as a kid? That's what he was expecting, an angry authority figure who was disappointed in him. And sometimes we do that because that's what we were taught as kids. We had angry authority figures yelling at us. And those of us who grew up

in more legalistic religious homes were taught that God is just this angry authority figure No matter what we say about mercy and love If the what was communicated is God is an angry authority figure who always seems kind of po'd at us That's what I internalized and those beliefs are deeply ingrained in us And that's why we have to wrestle with these issues inside of us and break those generational patterns. Look, a good authority figure has clear boundaries and is also patient, understanding, takes time to teach. Do not put your junk on your kids because you haven't done

that hard work yourself. Look, there's no blame, no guilt. You know I don't do that. But we have to break these generational patterns or your kids and grandkids will keep repeating these destructive patterns So I wanted to create a new family tree. So I did something different for me. I humbled myself Americans spend an average of 90% of their time indoors Did you know indoor air can be up to 100 times more polluted than outdoor air? You can breathe easy with Air Doctor, the award-winning air purifier that eliminates 99.99% of dangerous contaminants so your lungs don't have to. This includes

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difference. The same goes with my gut health and immune support. That's why I love the simplicity of beginning every single day with my AG1 routine. This is one easy habit I actually wake up and look forward to because AG1 helps me feel more energized, regular, and mentally sharp. So this new year, try AG1 for yourself. It's the perfect time to start a new healthy habit. And that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift when you sign up.

You'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3 and K2, and 5 free travel packs in your first box. So make sure to check out www.drinkag1.com to start your new year on a healthier note. So I walked upstairs, knocked on his door, and walked into the room. And there's all this tension because we had a history of this not ending well. He was sitting on his bed and I saw his cheeks kind of stained with tears and all red and he was... Look, my son was not thinking, yeah, I just showed my parents. He was afraid. He was dreading the lecture, the disappointment, the feeling of helplessness, of not having an answer

when I asked why he would do something like that. Helplessness. Shame. See, I was nervous not knowing what to do with all of these conflicting emotions and thoughts. So I chose humility. I sat on the floor and I began building with the Lego blocks I had picked up off the floor when I was coming upstairs that he had left on the floor and I was angry about that and I had to reset before I got there, right? This stuff is hard. So without looking up, because you know I don't do eye contact because it just reinforces the shame, I broke the silence and I always use an even matter-of-fact tone. Hey, Case, I'm sorry I reacted like that downstairs. I shouldn't have said that. Why? Why do I do that? Because sometimes humility is a very powerful tool that breaks down walls. Humility leads to contrition instead of a forced apology.

I wasn't groveling. I wasn't being too sweet, but I wasn't yelling either. I made a statement of fact. I shouldn't have yelled at you downstairs. Now sometimes it's wise to walk away after that and give yourself and your child some space to process this. And you could even add an invitation, say, hey, I need to go get X at the store, walk the dog, go for a ride, grab a smoothie, some tacos. Hey, let me know if you want to join me. We could go grab that. I'll be happy to listen to you. That's perfectly fine. But I didn't do that this time. So here's the scene. My son is on his bed. And it's important to note that is my son, not just some defiant kid. Because sometimes we get resentful toward these strong

willed kids and they become that defiant kid. It's my son up there and he's scared. He's waiting for the fury, the lecture, the shame. But now he sees this man who is his father sitting on the floor, not looking angry, not looking at him, and I can feel him inching closer to the side of the bed, probably wondering in his heart and head, can I trust this man right now? Is it safe for me to be vulnerable? Because in the past, it never has been. And my son wants to join me because he wants to be close to his dad or his mom

because that's the way it's supposed to work. And I'm telling you it better be safe for your kids or they will lie and sneak and hide things from you. And so he slides down off of his bed and takes a risk because this time it felt kind of safe for him because I was sitting, I was building. But it really kind of crushed me inside that day when my son climbed down off the bed because he was being vulnerable. He was taking a risk. He didn't know what was about to unfold there. And I was finally, finally making him feel safe enough. I was drawing him to me instead of

pressuring him. And I knew he wanted me to be proud of him. He just didn't always know how. And so I didn't look up. I just stayed focused on building. Hey, can you hand me a couple of the red pieces? Remember we talked about motion changes emotions. When kids are upset, you give them something they are in control of. And so we began to build for a few minutes together. And notice we're now together. Not go to your room. Not separated physically or emotional Emotionally we are together. I didn't want to isolate him anymore Because when we're together two really awesome things can happen Guess what came out of his mouth next dad. I'm really sorry

I said those things to you and mom. See humility leads to contrition. I didn't really need the apology. Neither did my wife. Right? We don't, I'm a grown adult. I don't need an apology. He did because that's reconciliation. That's how to build a mature, respectful relationship. And that was the door that opened us to what is even more

important. Teaching your child how to handle the inevitable frustration, disappointment, and anger. Your strong will kids are very intense kids. They have ideas, they don't go right, and they get really frustrated and really angry and really disappointed. And what I want to do is give them tools so they don't feel helpless. So they actually have an action plan for when, not if, they have those intense responses. And so you have an action plan in that moment. That's what I'm after.

See, in this case case I did not have that discussion right away. I just sat on the floor. We built with legos for a little bit. We all just decompressed. We got a good night's sleep and then the following day we did two things. Number one, we handled the tough part after we had de-escalated. When we were all in a different emotional space. I had every right to assign a harsh consequence but in this particular situation I asked Casey, hey what do you think would be an appropriate consequence? And because he wasn't upset or defensive or feel like he was being

attacked he actually chose a tougher one than I had thought about. So in addition to apologizing to his mom, right, which is appropriate, he said, I think since I made a big mess for mom, I should do a service project for her. And I was like, that's actually a great idea. I'll even help you out with that. See an act of service to another human is a wonderful consequence so to speak. It's better than just losing something. Look you don't have to let your kids get away with things. You just don't escalate in the moment when

everyone is upset. Look if you have a kid who swears, then you can just say very evenly, hey, since you're choosing to use adult world words, you forfeit all kid fun and have to do boring adult chores until you stop that. See, there's no drama. It doesn't take a long time. Now they're going to create drama. I don't want to do that. I just keep my promise. This is just how it works in our home. See how that works? Note, but note, the consequence alone isn't enough because that consequence, whatever you choose, doesn't actually teach the child how to make a different choice next time.

The consequence, sure, it's important. It just lets them know, hey, you just crossed a boundary in our home. The consequence, sure it's important, it just lets them know, hey, you just crossed a boundary in your home, that doesn't happen in my home, so here's what's going to happen. But that's not enough because when the moment, when the next time frustration, disappointment, anxiety come in, the consequence doesn't really relate to that. So the more important part was next. We actually role played how to handle the disappointment and frustration. I didn't come in right away and said, so we need to have a long dire talk about what you did yesterday. Let's rehash every mean and disrespectful thing you said and we'll do it in great detail. There was no need for that. Instead I I said, hey, I need to learn how to calm situations down

better myself. And at times I still react too much when I get frustrated and disappointed. Look, there's nothing wrong with saying that. That's not letting him off the hook. It's just pure honesty. So I said, let's walk through some different options together. And I remember in one of these first problem solving talks with Casey, he said, Dad, when things don't go the way I picture them, it's like there are fireworks in my brain and I can't think and everything feels out of control.

And I was like, that's good insight. Because you'll hear me saying the very first step to calming an upset child is not you need to calm down. It's to give them something they feel in control of. It's to give them something to do. Right. And so we've been through these solutions in countless podcasts, so I'm not going to

repeat them here. Just go listen to that. How to deescalate a nuclear meltdown one from last spring. It's a really good one. It is what ultimately led him many years later to create the Straight Talk for Kids program. And that's in the Get Everything Package. It's our most popular program. And he used to do school assemblies based on that because he teaches kids how to control their impulses and emotions.

So let your kids listen to his program while you're listening to the grown-up ones. Actually listen to them all together. Look the point I want to make for this coming week is this. This is the goal to teach and show your child how to handle these situations in a different way when not if they happen. Not just get an apology, and it's to model this for your kids. See, that is when everything changes. And that's when my son and I began to bond in a deeper way because I was actually giving him tools

to not feel helpless. That's what that mom emailed about when I'm doing this podcast. She was like, it felt so good inside to know I had tools to give my son so that he didn't feel helpless. See, I was now the adult who was helping him instead of him having to walk on eggshells around me, see how that often works, our kids walk on eggshells, I don't want mom or dad to be upset and lecture me. See now I'm actually helping him and that set the stage for what happened and what will

happen when your kids are 12 and 15 and 17 and 27 and they mess up and they wonder, can I call my parents right now or am I just going to get another lecture? And I can tell you, Casey's a grown man now and I can't express to you how much it means to me when Casey will text or call and say, Dad, can I talk to you about something? He's seeking my wisdom, he trusts me to open up and that's what I want you to have

with your most strong-willed kids from the time they were toddlers all through their lives. So moms and dads, you are going to have one of these situations occur this week. You know you are. So slow your world down inside. Lead your child to contrition. Lead to a calm place. And then begin to show them how to handle the difficult parts of life.

If you need help with that, reach out to us. Take advantage of the New Year's sale. If you need help financially, ask Casey. We'll help you out. But I have so much respect for you because you are breaking generational patterns. You are learning new skills that you didn't learn from your own parents.

So you're growing up just like I am while your kids are growing up. And this is a beautiful, beautiful thing that you're doing. And so I appreciate you listening to the podcast, sharing it and working so hard at this. All right. We'll talk to you next time. Love you all. Bye-bye.