Calm Parenting Podcast - Men: What Your Wife is Afraid To Tell You

Episode Date: October 11, 2023

Men: What Your Wife is Afraid To Tell You I made every mistake possible as a husband and father. I needed my son to behave and do everything I told him…precisely because I couldn’t control my own behavior. Men, I don’t want you to have the same regrets I do. So follow these three actions steps. Learn more at https://celebratecalm.com Want to finally stop the power struggles AND enjoy your strong-willed child? Kirk shows you exactly how with 30+ hours of content delivered directly to your phone, iPad or laptop. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package. Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com/50calm and use code 50calm for 50% off plus 15% off the next 2 months! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Are you struggling to raise a strong-willed child who pushes your buttons, derails family outings, melts down, doesn't care about consequences? Are you struggling in your marriage to get on the same page? Well, good. That means you're normal because you should be struggling because this is hard work. Because the purpose of relationships is not happiness, it is transformation.

It changes who you are. And look, I made so many mistakes as a younger man. And I don't want you to make the same ones. Now this is a hard but necessary and honest and concise message for husbands and wives. I'm going to be blunt and to the point. And I say all of this with humility knowing I made all of these mistakes. I had a career military father who used the fear and intimidation approach to enforce good outward behavior but at the expense of actually having a relationship with his four sons and in the end we didn't honestly respect my dad. We just feared him and so I'm going to talk about that. Just so you know, this is Kirk

Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at Celebrate Calm. This is Calm Parenting Podcast. Look, men, I want to talk to you. Your wife wants to talk to you about this stuff. She wants to talk to you about getting on the same page with parenting your strong-willed child and about your relationship. But you keep saying you're too soft. You coddle our child, right? You keep dismissing her emotions and thoughts. You act gruff. You get defensive. You deny that you have any role to play in this so that she'll go away and stop talking to you about this. And that breeds a simmering resentment because here's what your wife is thinking. Why can't I have an honest conversation with the man that I fell in love with, with the

man that I chose to raise kids with? And she begins to lose respect for you. Some of you get angry and that makes your wife the woman you wooed and courted and fell in love with, the woman you chose to have kids with, that makes her feel afraid. Think about it. Your wife is afraid of you. She's afraid to talk to you about difficult things because you make it so difficult and I know that because I did the same thing as a defense mechanism. So guess what happens? Your wife emails us writing paragraph after paragraph asking how we can help change your child's behavior when the real issue, if you're honest with yourself, is your behavior because you can't control your own emotions even though you complain about your child not having

impulse control, right? But you blow up, you escalate things, you react, and you're constantly negative toward this child who is now shutting down or being more defiant or more emotional. And if your wife could, here's what she'd say. Honey, I love you. I know this is hard, but I need you to learn how to control your emotions, to stop yelling, and to actually connect with our child instead of only correcting them. Because as men, you know what we do, guys? We correct, but we never really connect with our kids. We're waiting until they behave the right way so that we can connect with them. See, what your wife would say is,

that would mean more to me than anything else you do for us. But your wife can't talk to you about that, so instead she tries to change your child instead. And to be honest, she's been doing this all along. See, your wife doesn't just coddle your child. She coddles you because she knows you can't behave when your child misbehaves. So she's emotionally exhausted trying to manage your kid's behavior so that when you're around, you don't lose it when you come home from work or lose it at the dinner table or lose it at bedtime and say constantly negative things to your kids. See,

men, you have an enormous amount of power. You can change your home faster than anyone, but your wife right now walks on eggshells around you, afraid of your reaction. That's the marriage many of you have right now. And I promise you, it's not going to end well. And you can justify it just like I did, right? Well, our son just misbehaves and he melts down. He can't follow simple instructions, right? How's he ever going to be successful in life? All we ever do is give in and we revolve everything around him and you just

coddle him. When's he ever going to be accountable and take responsibility for his actions, right? You've probably said that and I get that, but I would say your wife coddles you because she knows you can't control yourself. So she wears herself out, trying to make sure the kids behave the right way so you don't blow up and escalate everything. I'm asking you to be honest and own that. Yes, your kids lack discipline. They're difficult. They misbehave.

They're impulsive. They say things to you that we would have never said to our fathers. I agree with you 100%. But this isn't about your child right now. This is about you being willing to change. And I only know this because I did the exact same thing. And I know there are thousands, maybe tens of thousands of women listening to this,

nodding, but afraid to forward this to you because you'll get angry or you'll dismiss her or you'll deny that it's the issue, right? And just make it on her that she's being too soft. Is that the kind of marriage you want? To have a wife whose stomach is upset all the time because she's literally afraid to talk to you. To have a wife who's desperate for help, so desperate she emails a stranger in order to change your kids because you won't change. So I'm going to give you three challenges. You know why? Because I'm a guy. I like challenges. You know what's hard for me? Personal relationships. Relationships are hard. My dad never taught me how to have good relationships. He taught me how to work hard,

to be disciplined. He taught me how to hit a jump shot, to kneel when I field a ground ball, so if the ball pops up, it hits me in the chin, but I keep it in front of me. I know all those things. I'm good at those things, right? But these other things are hard, harder than any job I've ever had in the corporate world, owning my own business. All of this stuff is way harder, but I'm going to give you three challenges. Number one, men, learn how to control yourself. You respect quarterbacks, platoon captains, firemen, other people who stay cool and calm under pressure because those are good leaders. But when you walk through the door of your home, you can't control yourself, right?

And that's why people in your home, your kids and your wife begin to lose respect for you. Number two, I want you to connect with your strong-willed child. I know it's hard. They're difficult kids. Sometimes they're weird and odd kids. I know that. But I want you to be interested in what your child is interested in, even if you hate it, right? Let your child, this is one of the greatest things you can do, let your child teach you something because many of your kids have internalized this. I can never please my father and I know you internalize, well, I just need to be tough on them and I need to, I want you to be, I can show you how to be tough and firm but still have a good relationship with your child. Be curious about them. Be curious about the things that they like. I don't care if it's Minecraft or Call of Duty 2.

For my son, it was all kinds of stuff I didn't like, but I took an interest in it and I spent time with him being curious about what he loves so that we could connect. Number three, listen to your wife. Stop dismissing her. I know she's not perfect. She has her own issues. she may have a lot of anxiety she may be too soft on the kids I get that but apologize to her humble yourself and you have a

shot at you're saving your family she has asked you she's been asking you to get on the same page, to work on these issues. So just do it. It's not going to hurt you. Spend three months, six months doing it. If at the end of that you hate it and you find out that it's all her issue, then email me and I'll help you with that. But if I were having a beer with you, I'd say things in two ways. One would be the nice tone.

Dude, I know this is hard. You didn't learn this as a kid and your child is really difficult. But you got to step up, man. You got to change yourself. And I know you can do this because it'll change your family and you'll be proud of yourself and you'll get the respect that you really want because every man wants respect. And why do we want respect? Because we know what it takes to succeed in the real world and how hard it is.

And we don't want our kids making the same mistakes that we made that caused us trouble. That's an honorable thing, man. It's an honorable thing. And I want you to get that respect. Secondly, I tell you in a tough tone, you're being rigid. You're digging in and you're justifying it. And you're not only going to lose your wife and half of what you own, and I promise you, you will. If you don't change, your wife is counting down the days until the kids go off to college and then she's out of there, if not before, because she

can't keep doing this day after day, week after week, month after week, year after year. And most men, we care about money. And I guarantee you will lose half of it in the divorce, and it's going to cost you tens of thousands of dollars. And you're going to lose, more importantly, your relationship with your child. And most likely your strong-willed child. I have a very strong-willed child who is now 29. And it is one of my greatest joys in life is connecting with that kid, that young man. And you may lose them forever. And you will regret that. So I want to ask you to step the up, man up, and let's make these changes.

I don't care how you do it. Go see a local counselor. I didn't always like therapy, but it can be really helpful if you find someone. Talk to me. You can email me. I have a mentoring program by men that we do by text. Why? Because men don't like to talk a lot, but we'll text, right?

Or finally listen to your wife. She's been asking you, hey, could we invest in this guy's programs? They have a calm parenting program. You're like, oh, we don't need that. We don't have any issues. I don't want to. Here's a common guy. I don't need that self-help.

This is not self-help. This is about transforming who you are and transforming your relationships. So listen to that program. Some of your wives have already bought the program and you won't listen to it. All I'll ask you to do is listen to two programs. The Straight Talk for Dads program. Why? Because me and my son talking to you like men talking to men, short, concise, right? And the Strong-Willed Child Program. Listen to those two. Let your wife listen to all the other ones because that's what wives do.

And that's fine with me because it will show you exactly how to control yourself, how to remain in control of yourself during power struggles. Look, when your kids push your buttons and you react, you're not even in control anymore. Your child's in control, right? I teach you how to connect with your child and connect with your wife. It doesn't have to be that hard. So don't be a cheapskate like I was and don't make excuses. Show your wife you're serious about changing yourself, I promise all men I work with, I will walk with you step by step because this is such a hard thing to do. It's harder than any job you're gonna ever have.

It is. I've done all kinds of jobs, been in the corporate world for 20 years, owned my own business. But this legacy, your family, is way more important than your career. Wives, you're the ones who are listening to this. I encourage you to be assertive.

Stand up for yourself. You're an equal partner in this relationship. So send this podcast to your husband and say these words. It would mean a lot to me if you would listen to this. Right? I'm keeping this under 15 minutes. Every guy's got 15 minutes on the treadmill while he's driving to work sometime to listen to this.

And I made it short on purpose. Why? Because I'm a guy. I like concise stuff. Now, if we can help you, let us know because that's our mission. You can reach out to us. Email our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. If you're a guy and you want to email me directly and you want to ream me or you want to say, I want help, email me. It's Kirk, K-I-R-K at CelebrateCalm.com. If you're interested in any of our programs, go on to CelebrateCalm.com. They're right there. If you need help financially, tell us, be assertive. We want to help you. But guys, we've got to change this stuff. We've got to change this stuff and you can do it. I promise you is the greatest accomplishment of my life was not what I accomplished in the corporate career.

It is not what I accomplished when I played baseball. It is not what I accomplished in running this business. It is me changing as a dad, as a husband, as a father, as a man. I am a man now because I can control myself and I want to help you with that. All right. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.