Calm Parenting Podcast - Mommy Lectures Don't Work. This does.

Episode Date: May 7, 2019

Mommy Lectures Don't Work. This does. You want your kids to listen to you. They don’t. You want your kids to respect you. They don’t. That sweet voice that turns into yelling never works. Instead of trying to convince and explain and plead with your kids, Kirk shows you how to be the confident, authoritative leader your kids need. Kirk addresses food/nutrition, lying, meltdowns, and sibling fights. Learn what to say and how to say it. Tired of feeling at your wits’ end? Then take advantage of our extra special Mother’s Day sale at www.CelebrateCalm.com/moms or www.CelebrateCalm.com/nobs. Need help? Contact Casey at 888-506-1871 or [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey everybody, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at celebratecalm.com. Hey, we're coming up on Mother's Day here, and here's what I want for the moms out

there. I want your kids to listen to you. I want them to respect you. I want to get you out of this mode of always having to plead and bribe and cajole and explain and try to convince them to do things so that you're not always at your wits end and frustrated and tired and exhausted. I want this to change, so let's do this this Mother's Day because I don't want Mother's Day to just be one simple day where your husband and kids just get you a couple little things. I want you to change this for all 365 days of the year, not just one day. So you want your kids to listen to you, and most of the time they don't, and they don't respect you. And part of the reason is that you talk in this sweet voice,

use these sweet little mommy lectures, and listen, this is not meant to offend you. I want to help you. I want to change things, but we're going to have to tackle this. You talk in this sweet voice, and you try to explain things, and convince your kids to listen, and to care about what you care about, and they don't. And it sounds really sweet to you, but it sounds like weakness to your strong-willed child. It sounds condescending to them, right? And then when that sweet tone doesn't work, then you start to get personal. After all I do for you, I am sick and tired of asking you over and over again. You guys never listen to me. And then you get upset and you sound needy and dependent and your kids know that you're exhausted

and all they have to do is push your buttons a little bit and then you're just going to lose it. And I want to stop the mommy lectures that simply don't work. Look, I'm very serious about this. I mean, no people always hear it like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do that. No, it's not that. You want your kids to listen and respect you. You're going to have to change some things and do it differently. It's going to make you very uncomfortable, but you're going to have to talk to your strong-willed child. I don't care if they're

four or 14 or 24. You're going to have to talk to them like an adult in an even matter-of-fact tone with no emotion in the voice. You're not going to plead. It's not getting exhausted, right? It's going to sound very cold to you. It's going to sound unemotional, but you know what else it sounds like to your kids? It sounds confident and authoritative to your child, right? Because when you talk to your child like an adult, because I expect you to act like a grown-up. Does that make sense? I'm going to talk to you like an adult because I don't care if you're three or 13, 23. I expect you to act like a grown-up, right? But here's what we do, right? When we're talking about food and nutrition. You know what,

guys? I made you dinner and I don't have time for you to be picky and it's important for you to eat a healthy dinner, right? And you go on and on and on and your kids just tune you out and they literally don't care about all these reasons. I want you to learn how to be short and sweet and confident and just let your kids know, this is my expectation. Here's what's happening. You don't have to explain things and it's not their, look, it's not their fault that you don't have time and you're doing all these things for them. That's your issue of doing too much for them. But look, when you explain things, you invite pushback and arguments from your strong-willed child. And it's just

wasted words, right? It's when we fall into that thing of like, honey, mommy wants you to get your shoes on now, okay? And your child's like, no, it's not okay. But you just asked for their permission to do it instead of leading them. Here's another one. You know, honey, we don't use that kind of language in our home. Well, apparently you do. But that sweet little mommy voice doesn't inspire them to lead you. It's not confident and authoritative, right? It's like those ones are like, honey, it's really important

that you tell the truth because if you don't tell the truth and you continue to lie, then we're not going to be able to trust you. And if we can't, look, they already know all of that. And I'm going to handle this particular one with lying in a future podcast solely by itself. But they don't need to be convinced that lying is wrong. They already know that. What they need are some practical tools to stop the lying. It's like that thing of when we say, honey, let's say a child's really upset. Honey, let's talk about your feelings. No,

they don't need to talk all the time about their feelings. Now, I'm great with drawing kids in and listening. I don't want to bury emotions. But when they're upset, they don't need someone to sit and talk to them about their feelings. It sounds really condescending, like you're not taking it seriously. And what you're doing is you're actually frustrating your kids even more by talking too much. No, when they're upset, what they need is for a grown-up and a leader, a parent to show them what to do with their frustration, what to do with their disappointment, what to do with their anger. They need specific action steps, not just to talk about it. And so the idea is, I want you to go from being someone who

lectures your kids or who tries to convince them to do the right thing to an authoritative leader who teaches your kids and shows them how to make better choices, right? That's an entirely different, one is kind of pushing, right? Like, guys, I really need you to listen, and I need you to do this because it's really important, right? If you would just, look, if you ever use the words, it's really important, you know you're going down the wrong path, because now you're kind of pushing, and you're needing them to say, mom, you're so filled with wisdom. We can't believe that you, they're never going to do that. So you need to teach and show. So let's do an example with siblings, right? Because this is a hard one. And look, I want you

to have confidence. I want you to be confident in what you're doing. And I think a large part of this and the parents that we work with, and we've worked with about 750,000 parents all across the world, it's the same issue. You're not confident. And what you need, you need to know what to say in that moment, and you need to know how to say it. And I know I hammer on this, but the reason I do is because it's life-changing I want you to take advantage of this and get the CDs listen to our audio audio CDs you get them as physical downloads or you can get physical CDs or audio downloads to multiple devices so your husband your wife your parents your teachers everybody can listen but I want you to listen because we show you in literally dozens and dozens of examples exactly what to say and how to say it. So we model it. You actually

have a script to use or look on our website. You get the no BS program. It's an instruction manual for raising a strong willed child. By the way, I'll mention this now. Go to our website, CelebrateCalm.com, and you do forward slash either moms, M-O-M-S, and we've got a Mother's Day sale. It's the cheapest prices we do all year long, and it's worth it because it's like one or two trips to a therapist's office, but we're going to give you about 30 hours of practical strategies that will change your home. Or you can look at CelebrateCalm.com and look right on the webpage.

You'll see this No BS or CelebrateCalm.com forward slash NOBS. Look at that program. It's phenomenal. And I'm super excited about it because it's changing the dynamic between parents and strong will kids right so take advantage of that if you need help with it call or email my son it's 888-506-1871 or casey c-a-s-e-y at celebrate calm.com and he'll help you out but look here's what we do with um with siblings is we go and say, you know what, guys? I buy you all these toys

and all these video games. You can't even play well together for 20 minutes. It's really important that you two learn how to get along because one day you're going to be best friends, blah, blah, blah, and they don't listen. But when you're an authoritative leader and you know what's really going on, and that's partly why I want you to listen to all of the materials and get the CDs, is because we give you insight into what's really happening. Because then I can walk into that room completely in control of myself when those kids are squabbling with each other and sit on the floor, sit down and say, guys, look, I know what's about to happen here. I've seen this scene unfold in our home like 87 times this month. Child number one, you've got this great brain that's really, really busy. And you need your brain to be stimulated, right? That's why you're always tapping pencils and fidgeting, doodling, right?

That's why you get bored sometimes because you like a challenge. And I love that about you. So when you get bored, what you do is you end up picking on your sister because you know, every time you pick on her, just look at her or almost poke her without actually even touching her. It drives her crazy. And she starts complaining and whining. And as soon as she does that, I come in the room and I start yelling at you to leave your sister alone. And guess what happened? That just stimulated your brain. But it's entirely negative because you need your sister to respond. Because if she doesn't react to you, then you're going to have to amp it up and then you get in even more trouble. And that's part of the downside too, is every time you pick on your sister, you just get in trouble. So I apologize to you for sending the message that the best way to get my attention and intensity is to do

something wrong. Inadvertently, I've made your brain believe that the only way that you can meet that need is to do something negative in our home. And then you end up losing everything. So here's what I know about you. You love money. You really like money, and you're a born entrepreneur because you've got initiative, right? You're good at understanding human nature. That's why you're so good at arguing and telling inappropriate jokes during the holidays about our relatives that are really inappropriate, but we can't stop laughing. Why? Because you're really good at understanding people. That's why you're so good at pushing people's buttons. And a good entrepreneur understands people and how to meet their needs.

So what if we took all of this energy and started building a little side business for you right in our neighborhood? You could start earning some cash to pay for your own toys. You know what else you could do? I know that you have a really big heart. And I bet with all that money that you make, you could give some money away to help homeless people, to help kids with cancer and make a difference in this world instead of just picking on your sister and getting in trouble. So you let me know if you want.

I'll brainstorm three different ways for you to earn some money because I can see you doing this. I think that would be really cool. Now, daughter, I know what just happened. I think that would be really cool. Now, daughter, I know what just happened. Your brother just walked into the room. You find him irritating. Why? Because he's breathing. But listen, if all you're ever going to do is react to irritating people or situations in life, you're going to be miserable. And I can't help you out with that. And I'm not raising you just to react to other people because I don't want you to go through life kind of being a little victim with this stuff. I want you to take charge of your own reactions because guess what? You get to choose

how you respond to your brother. And if instead of just reacting to him and whining and complaining all the time, if you want to come and help me cook dinner or go for a walk, I'll show you three different ways to respond to your brother so that you learn how to have self-confidence, so you learn how to stick up for yourself, so that you learn how to be assertive about your needs and redirect your brother from poking you to doing something constructive. Or look, you guys have this choice too. You guys just keep irritating each other for the rest of your childhood and be miserable. I'm okay either way. Just let me know what you want. And I get up and walk out of that room and I start to lead them to a different place. But see, I'm not trying to be really sweet with them. I'm not trying to convince them that they need to like each other because I can't and you can't. So you have to start leading

and using this even matter of fact tone and you have to start teaching your kids. And so I want you to, I want us to change this. I want you to be the confident teacher and leader that your kids respect and listen to. Not the worn out, exhausted, at your wits end, flailing and pleading to get kids to listen to mom. So take action with this. Look for Mother's Day. I want you to get what you really want, right? You want answers. You want peace in your home. You want to not have to walk on eggshells anymore around your husband when he comes home from work or around that volatile child. You want confidence and you want respect. So let's get it right now. Let's go for it so that by this time next year for Mother's Day, your entire family life will be completely changed.

You know what? It's not going to take a year. You start working at this. Look, here's the beautiful thing. You have so much more power over what your kids do, not by controlling them, because the only person in life that you can control is yourself. And when you learn how to control yourself and do this, your kids' response to you will change. It's very, very, very powerful. And listen, you're going to have to take action. And it's just talking doesn't work. We were at a workshop the other night. A mom came out and she said, yeah, I heard my daughter. I overheard my daughter tell her friend, don't worry. My mom says lots of things, but she won't ever really do anything. So let's do something, moms. Let's change this. And I guarantee you within a month, things will be different. Within a week, a lot of things will be different.

I guarantee you start using this tone. Overnight, you will see some things change. So go to the website, get what you want. Stop waiting for your kids, your husband to get you something that you don't even want for Mother's Day and speak up and be assertive and say, this is what I want, a new family. I'm going to be a new person. this is what I want, a new family. I'm going to be a new person. This is what I want for Mother's Day. And you go to CelebrateCalm.com forward slash moms, M-O-M-S, and be confident and say, I want this. Or go to CelebrateCalm.com forward slash N-O-B-S.

Get one of or both of those programs. And as you listen to it, you email me and you say Kirk I listen to this podcast I got your stuff I'm listening here's what I'm struggling with will you help me and I will always say yes I'm here to walk alongside you on this journey so that your family life can be different and so that you can enjoy being a mom again. I want you to enjoy being a mom again, right? Instead of always being at your wits end, let's enjoy it and change it. So if we can help you in any way, reach out to us. Email my son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com.

He was just as difficult and strong-willed as your kids. And now you get to talk to him or email him and interact with him, and he'll help you and give you hope to know that it can be different, and it will be different. So thank you for being a mom. You're awesome. You're a good mom. Let's make changes today. Don't wait for it. Thank you so much for listening. Bye-bye.