Calm Parenting Podcast - Moms Coddle Husbands (Not Kids)

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

Moms Coddle Husbands (Not Kids) Moms get accused of coddling their children. But the truth is they coddle husbands because we can't control our own emotions. So Moms have to manage their child's behavior, pick up toys, and create a perfect environment so their husband doesn't get upset. This creates resentment and exhaustion. Kirk gives Dads 3 specific action steps to take this week to change this dynamic. Forward this to your husband.  Take advantage of our Mother's Day Sale. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/mothers-day/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Visit https://www.oneskin.co and use code KIRK to get 15% off. Visit https://drinkAG1.com/calm for a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase. Head to https://acorns.com/calm or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today! AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So when our son was young, I used to accuse my wife of coddling him. You're too soft. He takes advantage of you. He doesn't listen because you let him get away with things. And then I grew up, and as I began to change, I had this realization. All those years, my wife had been coddling me. Why? Because I couldn't control myself, even though I expected my son to. I'd get on him for not listening or having a meltdown when it was me who was actually having the bigger meltdown. Now, maybe she was a little soft,

but that's because she was counterbalancing my rigidness and my harshness because my son wouldn't do things exactly right. So I'd begin correcting him with very little patience until I made it personal. And then I would escalate situations. You know, keep it up, keep it up. You know, if I hear one more word from you, young man, you can kiss that sleepover or playing laser tag with your friends. Goodbye. Then he would just lose it and say something disrespectful to me. And I would feel justified because at least he said something worse than I did. And you know what? I'm the authority figure after all.

He should just respect me. Do you know what I was actually saying to my son when I was upset or yelling at him? If you don't behave and do exactly what I tell you to do, then I'm not sure I can behave and you do not want to see me angry. See, I actually needed him to behave so that I could. And I learned that from my dad. In essence, both my wife and my son were walking on eggshells around me and coddling me. And I'm recording this short podcast because some moms have a hard time speaking up and saying this directly to their husbands. But I've done this

too long to know this happens in millions of homes and it destroys human beings, not just marriages or families, human beings. And I hope you will listen with even a slightly open mind and heart. And I don't do blame or guilt. I just want us to be honest with ourselves. So for those who don't know, this is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. And I'm always willing, thrilled actually, to help any guy who is willing to change. So here's the common dynamic that develops.

Your child is whining, complaining, not picking up his toys, not sitting still at the dinner table. She's refusing to get a bath or go to bed or get shoes on or get ready for church or a million other things your kids do because they're kids. And now mom feels the tension in the room rise. She can sense the way her husband shifts uncomfortably in his chair, the low grumble or the frustrated exhale, the tightening of her husband's jaw. And she's caught in between now because she knows what's coming. The harsh words,

the tone, the attitude directed at the strong-willed child that says, I'm not happy with you and at times I don't even like you. And so she tenses up and she tries to run interference or tries to manage the emotions of her child. And look, sometimes that starts when your wife is even at work and she rushes to get home or to daycare first so she can pick up the child first or pick up the toys on the floor. And if she's home in the afternoon, she's walking around picking up toys. And know what as I'm as I'm saying this I kind of want to swear because think about this a grown woman has to walk around picking up some effing toys because she's afraid her husband won't be able to handle it if he walks through the door and everything isn't orderly and picked up

to suit him what does that say about us as men that we think we're so tough and we can't handle anything, but disorder and chaos at home causes us to lose our you-know-what, and now the woman that you promised to cherish forever has to spend her energy and time anxiously picking up toys off the floor so you won't get mad and yell and hurt her child. That's what's happening, guys, in millions of homes. Your wife has to walk around managing her child's emotions and behavior and managing her husband's emotions and behavior.

And that's when she begins losing respect for you. And that's a killer. Look, it's not all your fault. Your wife isn't perfect. She has her own issues. She probably is too soft with your child. And she may need some help being tougher without feeling like she's being a bad mom. Well, guess what's even harder? She's caught in this horrible position because she's watching her child get hurt and she's watching your relationship with your kids get strained. And she's spoken up before. She asked you to please work on this. She's asked you to listen to a free podcast and you didn't. You dismissed it or you get gruff. You make excuses, even though you don't let your kids make excuses, because I did the same thing too, right? And if she doesn't speak up, then she's

allowing her child to be hurt by you and for your relationship to be slowly severed. But if she does speak up to you in order to protect her child, then she's accused of, especially in more conservative and religious homes, she's accused of undermining your authority as the husband and father. But see, you already abdicated that authority when you stopped being the calm servant leader of the home. Can you kind of see how she's caught in this no-win position? Now look, some women do get the courage to speak up, and it does take courage because many of us as men are intimidating and gruff and scary and not pleasant when our wives bring these things up, and she fears getting dismissed or corrected

or lectured or lashed out at, and that's when the respect is gone. And that's when the sex stops. So here's what happens almost every single time after that. Your wife will pull away and begin to pay more attention to the kids. I mean, she's figured out the marriage isn't going to work long term. And her instincts are to protect the child she carried in her belly or adopted and meanwhile you're going to get defensive and keep blaming a child for your actions and you'll be justified you will these kids are difficult they misbehave and they make messes and they don't pick things up and they don't listen well you're justified and you will use that justification to pull away

look I did the same thing I started with the my way or highway approach because that's what I learned from my dad. And when that didn't work, I finally said, you know what? I'll go to work, earn a living. You handle all the kids stuff. And that's natural because no one taught us as men how to handle relationships. Look, from the time I was a little boy, every single adult has taught me one basic thing as a man, to compete and win. That's it. As kids, we competed hard at sports and we won. We competed for the best grades. We competed for the best girl. Then we competed for the best job, competed for the promotion, for the right salary, for the right neighborhood. Even at church, we're kind of competing to see who could get into heaven

and who believed the right thing. We compete in politics so our side either wins or loses. We compete on the highway for that particular lane. We compete for that parking spot. That's what we know to do, and we're good at it. So we compete for the girl, and we get her. We get married, and we go on competing at work, at finances, at the stock market, or gun shooting competition, or adult league sports.

We compete to have the best looking lawn in the neighborhood, to have the best vacations. And then we realized, oh, I'm married. I have kids. This has nothing to do with winning and competition. Because no one taught us how to have relationships. And that might be where you are right now. Your wife and child are coddling you, walking on eggshells, just waiting for you to lose it. And look, it can be about anything. For me, it was child's behavior. If I couldn't check in the hotel on time because I'm a Hilton Diamond member, I would lose it. Or about politics or your college team, whatever it is.

And your wife will eventually just give up because she's just had too much. And all that money in your 401k that you competed for, the girl you competed for, will be gone. And you'll justify it and blame it on everybody else. But it's you. And here's the good news. You can change. I was this guy I just described. That was our exact situation. So my challenge for you is this. Put as much energy into building relationships as you put into competing and winning and building your career.

Look, I'm older now. The relationships will be the only thing that count in the end. Nobody's really impressed by what I did in the corporate world or how I built my own business. It's the relationships. So here are five quick things for you to try this week. Number one, keep listening to this podcast. It's free. It's to the point. It's guy friendly. Number two, the next time there is disorder and chaos in your home, here's what I want you to do, guys. You walk into a room and you sit down. You do not fix the situation because that's when we tend to make it worse every time. So you sit,

you color, draw, have a drink, have a snack, observe and ask questions. Lead your kids to problem solve themselves. This is a cool thing and I can show you how to do that. Number three, you know all that time you usually spend controlling your kids' behavior and correcting them? Do this instead for the next two weeks. Affirm your kids relentlessly. Simply recognize and affirm the qualities they already have or the things they're already doing well without saying, but if you really applied yourself, no, don't do that. It sounds like this. Hey, nice job with that project. Hey, good choice. Hey, well done. That shows me you're growing up. Fist bump. Look, lots and lots of fist bumps. I promise that is more motivating to your kids than you can possibly know because if

you are endlessly correcting your kids, here's what they know. I can never please my dad. He's never really happy. Why would I even try? Number four, get tools to be a better dad and support your wife. Look, Mother's Day is coming up. Your wife's highest goal in life is to be the best mom possible. And you've seen this because she devours books and podcasts and therapy so her kids can be happy. But sometimes you and I come into the home and sabotage her highest mission in life, because as guys, we're a little too rigid. What if your wife came into your office every day and sabotaged your work and promotion? So I have an idea for you that's way better than flowers. Go to CelebrateCalm.com. Look up the Mother's Day sale. I know, yeah, I know. I'm

frugal too. I don't like spending money on this stuff either. But it's way cheaper and better than therapy that you will despise. And it's $1,000 cheaper than a divorce. So what happens? You go get the Mother's Day sale. You buy that program. It gets delivered, downloaded to your phone on this really convenient app. On Mother's Day morning, you wake up, you play the app.

Your wife is going to hear it and say, what's that? And you say, hey, I invested in this guy's programs so that I can be the best dad I can be and walk alongside you. I guarantee you it will be the best Mother's Day your wife has ever had and maybe the best Mother's Day you've ever had. Or moms, if you're listening, order it for yourself and just, look, stop this. Oh, I need to ask my husband. You're a grown adult and you're equal. Your husband spends money on stuff that he wants all the time and he doesn't justify it to you. So moms, order it for yourself and say, hey, no need for a fancy Mother's Day gift. I got what I wanted. What I really want from you is just listen to the dad's

program. Number five, lead your kids to a calm place instead of yelling at them to calm down. Look, it sounds like this. Hey, I can tell you're frustrated. Look, I'm not asking you to talk in this. Hey, buddy, I can tell you. I don't want you to talk like that. That is not effective with a strong-willed child. I want you to be a guy because sometimes this dad voice, this man voice is not the harsh voice like that, but this guy voice, like we talk to our colleagues like this. Hey, I can tell you're frustrated. Listen, when you're ready, come outside. We'll throw the ball around. Or hey, when you're ready, come meet me in the car seven minutes. We're going to go get a smoothie, go get some tacos, or meet me in the living room. We're going to build with some Legos. When you do that with your kids, it's instantly calming. It's a really cool thing. You

just need some tools. And I guarantee when your wife sees you calming situations and de-escalating situations instead of always escalating them, she will admire and respect you. Your kids will respect you instead of fearing you, and you will respect yourself. Look, if you need help, you can reach out to me directly. It's Kirk, K-I-R-K, at CelebrateCalm.com. Let's break those generational patterns.

Let's create a new family tree and a new family. Wives, forward this to your husband. Just say, this is what I want for Mother's Day. Just listen to this. Hey, thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.