Calm Parenting Podcast - Moms, This is NOT Your Fault (Tough Toddler Troubles)

Episode Date: August 12, 2023

Moms, This is NOT Your Fault (Tough Toddler Troubles) Do you have a young child who doesn’t follow instructions, only does what he wants to do, melts down when things don’t go her way, won’t do simple tasks quickly? Good! You ARE going to get a call from the pre-school about your strong-willed child. In this impromptu, bonus podcast, Kirk shares 5 tools to help you raise tough toddlers. Want more help with toddlers? Get our Kids Ages 2-7 Bundle here: https://celebratecalm.com/2-7/ Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2023/2024?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So I want to be very direct. If you are the parent of a toddler, of a little one, you are going to struggle with this child if they are strong-willed. The schools are going to struggle. You are going to get a call from the preschool talking about your strong-willed child because they're not following directions. They're not participating in class. They won't do circle time well. It's going to happen. It's going to happen. And there's nothing wrong with it. And I want you to know a couple of things. You didn't

do anything wrong. It's not your fault. And your child's most likely not doing anything wrong either. And I want to give you some perspective on this. And you can take it or leave it, but you're listening to my podcast. We work with almost a million families. I've worked with a lot of these kids. I'm doing this late on a Friday afternoon for this reason. I'm getting inundated with emails, with calls about three-year-olds and five-year-olds and seven-year-olds. And I want to set your heart at ease in some ways, and I'm going to challenge you in other ways, right? But if you'll bear with me, I made some notes, but I may jump around a little bit, but I wanted to get this out there as quickly as I could. And so if you don't mind, but I wanted to get this out there as quickly as

I could. And so if you don't mind, I'm going to jump into that. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you're struggling, reach out to us. Email our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Look, he was a toddler once at one point. He struggled as a toddler. He struggled as a nine-year-old. He struggled as an 11-year-old until I started to change. But reach out to Casey. Tell us about your family. Kids, what are you struggling with? We will get back to you. Let me jump into this. So I just got an email this afternoon. Hey, I'm struggling with my almost five-year-old at preschool. He won't play with his peers and is

always alone off to himself. He doesn't participate in centers or circle time. He only does what he wants to do and he's defiant toward the teacher. Can you help? Here's my gut response to that based on a lot of experience. One, I don't expect a little kid to play with his peers. You have strong-willed kids and they are very, very internal. They have all these ideas in their brains. They wake up and all these ideas and this great imagination, and they want to carry these things out. They're not in the mood to collaborate with other kids.

I guarantee you when they grow up, they're probably not going to want to collaborate either, and that's okay. That's why I own my own business. I have a vision for things. I don't want to have to run it by all these other people. I want to do it the way I want to do it. And there's nothing wrong with that. Moms and dads, I want you to know this. It's going to be harder for them in life. It will be. It is so much easier if you're just a compliant person who does what other people expect you to do. And if you're a compliant kid and the

teachers all love you, that's easier. That is not your child's path, and I don't want you to force them into it because I want them to be independent. I want them to push the limits sometimes, and we have to give them some freedom to do it. Look, I was thinking about this. Do this thought experiment with me. It would be weird if a five-year-old came to you and said, you know what? I've been on earth for five years, pretty much explored all that I've wanted to, not really curious anymore. I'm in the mood to be sent somewhere every day with only kids my own age, right? Where I just have to follow the vision of someone else and follow directions all day long that are largely arbitrary,

I'm in the mood for that. I would love to sit in circle time, even though it's really uncomfortable for me, right? That's abnormal. That would be an odd thing for a five-year-old to say. What a five-year-old would say if they could speak to you in mature terms is, every day when I wake up everything's new there's so many things that are firing in my imagination that I want to explore and this is the time of life I get to do it right please don't look the teachers aren't doing anything wrong either right like they've been given a job of like, hey, here's 20 little kids, make sure they don't hurt each other and just get through the day and try to teach them a few

things. So they're just doing their job too, right? I'm going to give you some tools to give the teachers, but I don't want arbitrary things in school. And for many of you, many of the church rules that you have, they're arbitrary, not're arbitrary. They're not based in anything moral or scientific or even common sense, right? It's because we like to control other people, and people who don't follow directions make us very uncomfortable. But it's normal. Please, this is when your kids are supposed to be curious. I don't want a five-year-old who's all of a sudden all aware of what everybody else wants. Look,

you're going to get this thing of like, well, he doesn't share. Good. Five-year-olds should not share. Developmentally speaking, kids don't learn to share until they're about seven or eight. By the way, you don't share either. You don't go by a homeless person on the street and share your home with him. You give him stuff, but you don't share your meal, right? You give him a meal. You don't invite him over and share a bedroom with him, right? Being a little bit, whatever you want to call it with that, facetious with that, but to prove a point of we ask things of kids sometimes that we're not willing to do ourselves. I don't share that many things with other people who aren't my loved ones, right? I give them stuff. I let them

use it sometimes. But stop with some of those arbitrary things like, oh, my child's not sharing. Of course they're not sharing. They're brand new to the world, right? Everything is new and they're trying to learn this whole concept of this is mine and I want to play with it. Your strong-willed child just happens to be pretty assertive and they know what they want. Look, I'd be more concerned if I had a very passive child who was always compliant because that pretty much guarantees if it's a girl, she's going to grow up and marry a controlling man or a narcissist. True. Moms, you have enough friends, you may be one yourself, who did that, right? So push back on some of these ideas within yourself.

He won't play with his peers. He's not supposed to at that age. Look, I don't play with my peers that well, right? I don't. I like to control things. When I do group hikes, guess who organizes those? I do. I pick the hike. I pick the date and the time. I did one yesterday with two other guys, right? Why? Because I don't want to be my schedule to be at the whim of some other person who doesn't share my values or my time constraints or do the hike that I want to do. I'm 57. I'm very good at giving. I'm a giving person. That sounded really self-congratulatory. Luke, I'm so giving. I know all those things, but I don't want to play with my peers. I play tentative on my own terms, right? He's always alone, off to himself. Good. That's where he's supposed to be, thinking, delving into his own imagination.

Isn't that what we want at three and four and five and six and even seven and eight and even later? Off to himself. So what? It's arbitrary. Hey, five-year-old, you're supposed to go and all of a sudden play well with all the other kids who don't want to play the same game you want. Most of you can't even do that, right? He doesn't participate in circle time. I've made this joke for two decades. Circle time is stupid, right? And here's why. And I understand teachers, you're not stupid. I get all that. And I understand why you do it. But circle time is arbitrary, right? Nobody at your office is going to say, hey, Frank, Melinda, three o'clock in the conference room, circle time, right? It's an arbitrary thing that you never have to do after you're five, right? It's sitting around a circle

with other people, crisscross applesauce, which is really uncomfortable for a lot of your kids, and a lot of your kids have a ton of energy. So sittings, what did they get in trouble for? Oh, they can't sit still. Good. They're not really supposed to sit still at that age. It's arbitrary. And then all of a sudden they start to internalize what? I'm a bad kid. I don't follow directions. I'm always in trouble. You don't want that to happen within your child trust me those of you who have 8 and 10 and 12 and 15 year olds and 26 year olds you know where that leads and it's nowhere good circle time it's not like I want the kid to be running around the classroom and

misbehaving right but this is very normal he only does what he wants to do. Look, that's pretty much the job description of a toddler. I want them to wake up with ideas that they get to explore. And I'm going to give you some tools for this. But if I'm the teacher, let me just cut to this. If I'm the teacher and this five-year-old's in my class, here's what I'm doing. Dude, I love your imagination. What do you want to do today? What's in your brain? Here's what I could use some help with. Hey, bet you can't do

that because you know what? This is kind of like an eight-year-old job. Bet you can't do it. And watch that five-year-old. You give them a mission. Give them missions. Create successes. Find out what that five-year-old, your three-year-old, your seven-year-old, find out what are they good at doing. And then if I'm the teacher, I'm giving that child jobs. Look, your kids aren't learning anything at age five, right? They're not learning algebra. They're not learning history. They're not.

They're not. It's a time for us to foster that curiosity to say, dude, what do you want to build right now? What's in your brain? What did you just picture? Because I want to see what you end up creating. And I make it more of a challenge. See, I'm not saying to the five-year-old, hey, whatever you want to do, just do it. If you want to go knock down other people's things, that's fine. Hey, if you want to run all over the... No, I'm not saying that. I'm saying, hey, I need some help with this project. Bet you can't do that. Hey, could you do that?

I'm focusing that energy, but I'm not trying to arbitrarily get the child to be something he's not supposed to be at age five, right? If it's circle time, maybe during circle time, I give that five-year-old, who's not great at sitting still all the time, I give him a job in the back of the classroom. Or I say, hey, if you want, you could sit underneath your desk

or you could sit up in a chair during circle time. I don't care. What is circle time? Usually it's the teacher reading a story. That's awesome, right? And we want all the kids, and I get it, we want all the kids to sit there quietly, hands in their laps, hands folded like a nice little child,

eyes on me as the teacher, listening, not touching your neighbor. That's hard to do, especially if you have energy and your own plan. But I may try to draw that child into the story and say, hey, what would you have this character do? I can play to that. I can use that energy. Does that make sense at all? I want to give kids tools. So I was going to open the podcast with my typical, do you have a child who is a whirlwind, not listening well, not following directions, always getting corrected, who wants his or her own way, gets frustrated when disappointed, or when plans change, who melts down over little things going wrong, who's relentless with whining or complaining

or asking questions all the time, who won't do simple tasks well, right? That's who you have. So I'm going to give you some practical strategies and tools so you're not at your wit's end anymore. See, this little one that you have is a raw bundle of nerves and impulses with this brain that is exploding with thoughts and ideas and plans. And when this child wakes up in the morning, that little brain starts firing on all cylinders. And many of your kids are also very visual. They picture what they want to do or accomplish, and that becomes their overriding vision. So there's this seismic, cataclysmic collision that happens every day. Your child wakes up with a vision that is literally their entire world and that collides with your vision for the day,

which isn't so much a vision as is it's just a necessity of life. Get them up, get dressed, fed, off to daycare or preschool so you can go to work or teach your other kids or if you homeschool. So you have this huge power struggle between an immature child whose sole purpose at that age should be to follow their imagination and their passion, right? And then a sometimes frazzled, overwhelmed, rushed adult whose sole purpose is to raise a responsible child. And you both have competing visions.

And they clash in the morning, throughout the day, after school, at dinnertime, at bedtime. Right? Does this sound familiar? I know it is because I keep getting emails. I'm at my wits end with a three-year-old, with a five-year-old, with a seven-year-old. And you never thought you'd be in this place. I mean, how hard should it be to raise a little kid, right? But it is when your child is a naturally born strong-willed child with an agenda, with lots of emotions, with an iron will, and a bright, active brain, right? And if you were

raised in a fairly typical home, or especially a religious home, then it was instilled deep inside you. There's no real power struggle here. That child is supposed to submit to the authority of the parents and do whatever they say. End of story. And that did work back in the day. Or did it? See, kids didn't say and do certain awful things to their parents. And they kind of listened, right, while sneaking around

and finding other ways to be rebellious or independent. But at what cost? See, I know in my own family the cost. My dad ruled with an iron fist, and he got what he wanted, which was order and control, because my dad could not handle things if there wasn't order and control. By the way, look at a lot of World War II generation people, men who went off to war when they're 17, 18 and saw awful, awful things.

And when they came back home, what did they want? Order and control. Look at the 50s. Every man wore the same outfit. Dark suit, white shirt, tie, and a hat. The names of our street, we grew up in a 1950 split level home. In our neighborhood, every single street began with the letter S. That was not a mistake. That generation was about order and structure. And so my dad got what he wanted, but it also

crushed, and I do mean crushed the spirit, and later the soul and actually the body of one of my brothers. And to varying degrees, he snuffed out, mangled, distorted, whatever you want, whatever word and twisted the life of each of us in different ways. Not blaming my dad. There's no boo-hoo in there. Just saying that's the reality of what that did. Yeah, he got order and structure. But our unique personalities were suppressed, right?

It unleashed unhealthy coping mechanisms among my brothers. And in the end, my dad never had a real relationship with any of his four boys. But did he have control of the home? Of course he did. But guys, is that what you really want here? And look, it's not mutually exclusive. You can have order and structure and you can have a relationship with your kids. It, it's either or. It doesn't have to be. In fact, I think that if you have a close, trusting relationship with your child, that you're going to actually have a lot more peace and harmony in the home because relationships change behavior. Consequences

don't. So listen, you are going to wrestle with this. You are going to wonder if you are being too permissive. You are going to disagree with your spouse over this. It's going to make you very uncomfortable and you're going to swing on a pendulum back and forth between giving up and clamping down, between being too permissive at times and reverting to the iron fist. But you will always discover this one truth. Consequences with strong-willed kids never work and the traditional methods you were raised with will not work. And if you're not proactive and mature about this, it can and often does cause your marriage to unravel. So do we advocate then letting your child rule your home? Absolutely not. I want your child to actually learn how to control

himself or herself so you don't have to. And I want you to be able to control yourself. And if you listen to us, you know that's the bigger issue here. Because if you're a guy out there and you're like, well, I don't have anger issues. Well, it's clear that you do. And you stomp around and you can't handle any disappointment yourself. Or if your kids mess up or leave Legos on the floor and you start storming around, well, guess what? Your kids are going to do the same thing, right? And mom, same thing for us, right? There's no guilt, no blame, but we have to address this hard reality, right? And so the hard part for me when I read these emails every day from desperate parents is I've been there and I can see how this is going to unfold. And I'm going to give you some useful tools in this podcast.

But it's impossible to share everything in 20 or 30 or 40 minutes with an email, or on an email response. So I do want you, I even implore you, go through the Calm Parenting program. Begin with the program for strong-willed kids. It'll give you so much insight into these kids that you need, and about changing your perspective. Otherwise, you're just going to fight for the next 18 years, right? So if I had anything to share today, it's going to be these few things, right? And I have a number, but I'm probably going to add. I was going to be at least three things, but you know with me, it could be five. Number one,

and this is important, this is not your fault and you did not cause this. Moms and dads, but you know with me, it could be five. Number one, and this is important, this is not your fault, and you did not cause this. Moms and dads, but especially moms who fret over this and stay up late at night scouring the internet for hope, I want you to know this. This is not your fault. You did not cause this. Your child was simply born this way. They came out of the room ready to attack the world, and probably you, and anything that gets in their way. They're bright. They know what they want. They know what they don't want. They're particular. They don't want to do things your way or anyone else's way. And by the way, if you can embrace that, it's a beautiful thing, is what we are trying to raise is an independent

child who can think for himself or herself and be proactive and have initiative. We want this. It's just difficult to raise, right? And they don't lose well. They don't play well with others at times. And they can be dominant alpha dogs. You didn't cause that. It's not that you're doing something wrong. And it's nothing that needs to be fixed either. So please resist that. Look, I get concerned when it's like, well, we're taking our three-year-old, five-year-old, six-year-old to a therapist. And it's like, sometimes like there's no therapy needed. There's nothing wrong with your child. We just need to learn to work with their nature instead of suppressing it and fighting it and acting like there's something wrong with them.

And all those judgmental relatives and friends, they're just plain wrong. It's not a discipline issue. I know what they keep telling you. Well, if you let her get away with this, she's going to be a terror. You need to clamp down on him right now. We would have never gotten away with that. I get that. That's well-meaning advice and it's dead wrong. And they simply don't get it. So you end up feeling alone and judged and

not knowing what to do. And perhaps your spouse has insisted that you go the hard discipline route, even the physical route, but you're a mom. You're smart. You watch, you observe, you think about this stuff 24 seven, and you see that's not working and that it won't work. Moms, I want you to trust your instincts. Don't get bullied into doing something you know won't work. The hard part is that you know intuitively these other approaches are not going to work for this child. They may work perfectly fine for your more compliant, easygoing child, but they're not going to work for this child. You've tried this child. They may work perfectly fine for your more compliant, easygoing child, but they're not going to work for this child. You've tried this already, but you don't know

what to do because this is all uncharted territory for you, right? There's no real guidebook, right? And you didn't have these same issues with your other kids. So I want to set your mind and your heart at rest, at least in this. This is not your fault. You didn't cause this. There is a better way, and you know that inside. So trust your instincts here, mom. It's going to be hard, really hard raising this child. But once you understand how their hearts and brains work and how they see and interpret the world, once you begin working

with their nature, instead of fighting it or trying to change it, it becomes much easier and actually at times a joy. But you're going to have to continually fight your own anxiety, your own control issues, the wrong assumptions you grew up with about what a good child is supposed to be like, and you're probably going to have to live with feeling judged and misunderstood yourself, which by the way is how your child feels, and do battle sometimes with systems, with schools, with church at times, with even your own immature spouse that you married. You have to do battle with that because the spirit of your child is at stake here. And so I want you to feel comfortable

and feel confident moms and dads in doing this. Number two, and this is a different thought and it doesn't really fit here, but I want to plant the seed. I want you to wake up your child in the morning or when they come home after school or whenever it is with a way to say yes. Find a way to say yes, not to give in to their, I want fruit snacks right now. I want this. No, don't say yes to things. Say yes to experiences. Say yes to

building and creating and using their imagination and following their curiosity. So here's the idea. When you wake your child up or maybe when they come in from the living room or after preschool, whenever it is, ask with some enthusiasm. Hey, what's going on in your brain? What's firing in there? What's in your imagination? What are you picturing? What do you want to build?

What do you want to create? What do you want to build? What do you want to create? What do you want to make? And instead of beginning or ending the day listing your agenda, right, which your child knows already, get up, get dressed, shower, eat your breakfast, brush your hair, brush your teeth, make your bed, get your shoes on, put your backpack down, get out your homework folder, eat a snack, fight me for three hours, eat a meal you don't like and lie about actually washing your hair and brushing your teeth and go to sleep, right? We already know those things. Ask what their agenda is, and instead of reflexively fighting it for very practical reasons, right? We don't have time for that, or it's really inconvenient, or you have other priorities. Do something different.

Try it this week. Embrace it. Try to find a way to say yes to it. Watch this. Within your boundaries. This isn't just saying, sure, we can do whatever you want, child. No. Within my boundaries, but I'm finding a way to say yes. Just make your boundaries a little wider and larger. Stop being so rigid with everything, right? If you have a strong will, child, you're going to have to throw your agenda and your schedule out the window. They're not going to be like, boom, boom, boom. This is just how we're going to run. This is how I do it. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. So here's what I would say. Yes, I love that idea. Let's make it happen. So here's what we need to do. Now you can lay out the obstacles and other

things that need to get done. Hey, let's get those materials out right now and then when we get back from the doctor's appointment you'll have the rest of the morning to do x right context for strong will kids is really important setting expectations is really important but this week I want you to develop a new habit of starting the day or the afternoon or the evening with good energy and finding a way to say yes you have every right to say, hey, once we knock out these three things, man, I'm all over that. I can't wait to see what you create. I'm so into that. You're like a junior Thomas Edison. You are so creative and I love that. You're not saying yes to everything and anything they want, especially not material things. You're saying yes to experiences and

creativity and building and following their curiosity. And remember this principle, moms and dads, and share it with teachers. Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, say yes to something appropriate. Otherwise, the life of a toddler sounds like this. No, no. Put that down. Stop it. Take that out of your mouth. Stop, stop, stop. Instead, I want to be like, hey, jumping on a sofa, uh-uh, not happening right now, but I love your energy. Hey, if you want to come to the kitchen and help me do X, man, I could really use your help because you're really strong. Work on that energy, the positive energy. Make things a challenge. Make it harder. I love this phrase. Hey, bet you can't do X. You know a great one that you may not like, but it works all the time. Hey, don't tell your mom or don't tell your dad, but as soon as you say that, now they over their choices. I do not give a strong-willed child control over my

home, over my family life, over my classroom, but I will give them ownership of their choices, right? And so if you want a deep dive, this is why I want you to listen to the Calm Parenting Program. I don't want to sound preachy on that at all, but it's so foundationally critical to understand that your child lives, has a different life experience than you do. They see things differently. And when you can start to see that, then you start to see they're not just defiant little kids

who don't want to follow directions. They're really bright, creative, frustrated kids. And I can see, I can work with that, right? So here's the essence of ownership. You relinquish control over how your child gets things done as long as they accomplish the task you desire. Let me say it in a different way. Look, here's what it sounded like for me when I finally got this. Hey, Case, look, here's what I want to accomplish. Here's the goal. I don't care how you get it done. If you want to do it in a weird way, you want to do it upside down. You want to do it blindfolded. I don't care. As long as it gets done by 7 o'clock p.m., I just don't

care, right? Here's what my goal is. I don't care how you get it done. And then you give your child some space to do things in a weird, odd, creative, infuriating, irritating way that causes you angst because you know there's a more effective, efficient way to do it. But who cares? Try it. Start it when they're toddlers. It will save you. Look, I'm trying to save you literally 10, 15, 20 years of unnecessary power struggles. Here's one. Hey, we all know you got to get up tomorrow and go to school and you got to wear clothes. Listen, here's an idea. If you want to wear the clothes to bed that you're going to wear to school the next day, brilliant, right? Because now when you wake up in the morning, boom, you're done, ready for school. You want to do your homework lying upside down off the sofa? Cool, I'll lay

upside down next to you and I'll quiz you on those words. Hey, child, you know how you like to spin in circles? Why don't we review your vocabulary words while you're spinning? Maybe we both spin until I throw up because you would love that too, kidding, you make your own meal, right, right, you want to make your own meals at age six and not clean after, up afterwards, I can roll with that, right, do I want them to clean up, yes, but I know your strong will kids aren't going to clean up after they make their own meal, so there's going to be little, what would you call that, globulets of, of strawberry jelly on the, the, the counter. And you can choose to be like, oh, they leave a mess everywhere. Or you can say my six-year-old just made his or her own sandwich

and I'm just going to roll with it and I'll come along, clean up afterwards. Right? So are you going to actually like how they do things? And the answer is no, 100%. One, it's not efficient and effective. They're not going to do things the right way, the appropriate way, according to your standards and societal standards. And we don't want that anyway. We want the creativity. And you have control issues and you need to work on that. And you have a lot of anxiety because you're a parent. So work on that. See, this is going to expose your anxiety and control issues.

And it's going to provoke your rigid husband, i.e. me back in the day, right? To throw his hands up in the air and claim you're being too lenient and you're coddling your child, right? And I'd say to my fellow dads, right? You're the one being coddled. Your wife has to control the kids and the whole family life just so things are in order so you don't lose it. Your wife's coddling you, dad, right? Because you can't control yourself. And there's no guilt and blame in there.

I'm just talking to you directly, man to man. That's what's happening, is it not? And so if it is, then step up. Because you're a good guy and you want to be a good dad. And I want you to learn a different way because the truth is, look, I can say things to you that your wife can't say because you dismiss her all the time, right? But the truth is, if you tried the same strategy over and over again for weeks and months and years and it didn't work at work, you'd have been fired by now.

See, at work, at the office, you know how this works. We're going to put into place a strategy, these tactics, and they're not working. So what do you do? We change our game plan, right? We start to call different plays in the huddle because the other ones aren't working. So be willing to do that at home, right? Because your wife will appreciate that. So moms, look, you're not being permissive in doing this. You're giving your child space to be an independent thinker and learn how to be responsible for himself or herself, right? That's what we want. I don't want a child who just goes, well, my child's just obedient to everything we say. That's not my goal. I want my child to learn how to be responsible, to think, to process, to figure out how to be independent, make good

decisions and make choices and figure out on their own how to get stuff done. It's just going to be irritating. Number four, this is a note I'd written out. You're going to get the call from preschool and probably high school and middle school, but you're going to get that school from preschool, right? I want you to be prepared, right? It's going to happen because your child wants it still. And your daughter bosses other kids around. She walks around and doesn't listen. He doesn't line up correctly. He's constantly touching others, right? Your three-year-old, who's very, very bright, is probably going to bite another kid. Whenever I hear of a kid biting another child in class, my first thought is this, that's a brilliant kid. This is a kid who probably isn't ready for school yet and wants to be at home where he or she can explore and get into things and make messes, which, by the way, is the job description. I did this in a phone consultation. His dad was like, well, when's my child going to learn how to grow up and be responsible, do all these things and be orderly and organized?

I was like, he's six. Right? And I was like, dad, you're a business guy. Come back to me and tell me, what is the job description of a six-year-old? It's to be curious. It's to make messes. It's to explore. It's to make messes. It's to explore. It's to get into things. It's to learn by doing. That's the stage of life. You want them to be

impulsive then. I don't want them impulsive when they're 26 and 36 because you can kill yourself then, right? And get into a lot of trouble if you're impulsive and lose a lot of money and lose relationships. So I want these things to happen when they're little kids. And so what I know about the little biters, we always called the Mr. Chompers is, I'm not happy where I am. I'm not messing around. Boom, I'm going to bite another kid. Guess what?

Well, that gets everyone's attention really, really quickly. And then that child usually gets kicked out of preschool, which is what our son did. So moms and dads of middle schoolers, if you're listening to this, guess what? Same thing. Your child isn't motivated, won't try his best, falls asleep in class, asks goofy questions and acts goofy to make other kids laugh, right? These things happen. And know that teachers aren't going to understand your child, right? We look at that assertive little kid and think, well, he's a bully, maybe, or maybe he's just an assertive kid who knows what he wants, right? But nobody comes up

and watch, I want you to change your perspective and challenge yourself with this. Nobody comes along and says, I'm really concerned about that child who's compliant and just sits all day long waiting to be told what to do. Because you know what happens to that child?'s compliant and just sits all day long waiting to be told what to do. Because you know what happens to that child? They get walked on in life, right? And they're the ones who end up marrying the narcissist or the controlling man, right? They're the one who get taken advantage of, right? This kid who walks up and knows what they want, that's leadership. That's a kid with initiative. That's a kid that's proactive, has a vision. That's leadership. And yeah, sometimes they're just jerks like my son was, like he still is at times, like I am because we know what we want and we go for it and we want

those traits and we want to know how to use them. Look, you're simply going to have to do it differently. If I were to end with anything for the moms and dads of toddlers, you're simply going to have to do it differently. If I were to end with anything for the moms and dads of toddlers, and I'm going to do a couple of case studies right after this, I want you to refocus from like, I want my child to just fit in and do what everybody else wants to do. No, I want to create successes. I want to give kids tools to succeed, right? And that's why morning routine is not just, well, kids should learn how to be obedient. When I tell them to get up, they should get up right away and do all their five chores, the things they're supposed to do. It's not going to happen with a strong willed child. How long is it going to take until we realize these things just don't work with these kids?

And there's nothing wrong with that. So I'd rather create a success in the morning and wake them up with a challenge of a treasure hunt. If I hid your breakfast outside or I hid your clothes outside or somewhere in the basement and now I made it a challenge and I make it fun and I get your brain working, I get you moving, right? So I wake up kids with connection as a tool of like, hey, yesterday you said X about that. I'm really curious. Hey, when you get your clothes on and come down to breakfast, I'd love to hear what you're going to build this afternoon, right? I want to start engaging kids where they are and connecting with them. There's a lot of different ways to get kids to be compliant or get them to do what you want them to do that just don't involve one rigid way of doing it, right? That's why during school time, it's like I wanna use movement in class.

I wanna use music. For that kid who's got the bouncing leg first day of school, if I'm a teacher, I'm giving that kid a job and I'm saying, hey man, listen, 13 minutes into class, listen, I know you need to move and my mouth gets really dry. I want you to come grab my water bottle,

take it to the back of the room and I want you to refill it with water and bring it up and sit on my desk and then you sit down. And that'll help me a lot. Our kids love being helpful. And instead of this being what they hear, you need to learn to sit still all the class period long and follow all the instructions I give you. I just gave them a job.

I gave them a mission. I gave them a tool to actually get some movement within the teacher's boundaries. I didn't say, hey, if you get bored in my class, little guy, get up and just run around and grab everybody else's stuff. No, I gave them something else to grab, right? We did this with some teachers in Michigan. One teacher has a red backpack in her room with some books in it. The other teacher next door has a blue backpack with books and stuff in it. So when little Johnny is struggling in class, the one teacher can say, oh, Johnny, listen, I need your help. Listen, Miss Henderson next door, she really needs that blue backpack.

Could you take that over to her? And so Johnny now gets to get up, get up out of his chair. He gets to move and walk a little bit. He gets to put a backpack on his shoulders or over his back. And that helps with fine motor skills. Because when you activate those larger muscle groups, right, it helps activate the fine motor skills. And it meets his sensory needs because this is a sensory-seeking kid. Now he's got a backpack with heavy books. And now he's a doer.

This is a doer. And he loves being a helper. He loves helping other people, not just you as the parents. Parents and toddlers, your kids aren't going to do stuff for you. But they're going to be amazing for other people, which is what you're raising them to do. To grow up to be grown adults who do things and help other people and serve other people, whether they have their own business, which is really helpful, or they do it for somebody else. They're good at that stuff, man. And so when this kid walks into Ms. Henderson's class with

the blue backpack, guess what happens? Ms. Henderson gets to say, oh, Johnny, you are so helpful. I so needed that backpack. Listen, could you do me a favor? Your teacher needs the stuff in the red one. Could you take that back? So in the course of 60 seconds, this kid will hear praise from two separate teachers. He will have gotten to move within the teacher's boundaries, right? This isn't a free-for-all. I don't do that with kids. They don't want that, but they want specific missions. We call it purposeful missions. If you listen don't want that, but they want specific missions. We call it purposeful missions. If you listen to our programs, we talk about purposeful missions. This cat has a mission because he's going to help Ms. Henderson and he's the big guy and he feels

good about himself now because he carried a heavy backpack that many of the other kids didn't have. And without even knowing it, we just activated his fine motor skills to make them work better. And we met some of those sensory needs. We met a lot of needs in that moment. And here's what that kid feels now. I'm a good kid. I'm good at carrying the backpack. My teachers like me.

Otherwise, guess what they're going to feel like? I'm always in trouble. My teacher doesn't smile at me. I'm always missing circle time. I get lectured or I'm missing recess time. I get lectured all the time. And'm always missing circle time. I get lectured or I'm missing recess time. I get, I get lectured all the time and I get notes sent home. And when I come home, my moms and dad aren't happy with me and they lecture me. And so guess what? Life's kind of negative and nobody likes me. And I feel like a bad kid. Moms and dads, you don't want that. Please. You do not want a kid

beginning to internalize that he's a bad kid when all he's doing and please hear this he's being a kid he's doing what he's supposed to do but he's running up against all these arbitrary things that we create like circle time right like what if instead of circle time it was idea time while we're doing jumping jacks? Well, then all of a sudden, the strong will kid who's got a lot of energy, who's got a zillion ideas and asks lots of questions, always off topic, then that child's going to be like, that kid rocks.

And then the other child who doesn't have a lot of energy or doesn't have a lot of ideas, well, then they're going to be the ones who have to start internalizing. Maybe they're the bad child because they didn't keep up with the other. Do you see what I mean? We're judging kids by arbitrary standards that they can't ever meet. And so by necessity, we've worked with hundreds of thousands of kids who all feel the same way. I feel like a bad kid. I feel like I can never please my parents or teachers. I feel like I'm stupid, like I'm dumb. And then we wonder why they're not motivated and they're not joyful and they're not happy. We have a chance to do this so I would create successes and give tools, giving them missions, right? All the time. Let's do this.

Look, here's one that's just top of mind, right? Of that, whenever you tell them to do something instead of something inappropriate, right? Just telling a kid, hey, don't ride your bike fast, right? Like, let's tell me not to eat the brownie that's sitting right over there, right? Can't we create an acceptable challenge to give this child with his bike that lets him push the boundaries as kids are supposed to do, but still remains within an acceptable boundary of yours? Right? And then I want to end with this one. Affirm and give positive intensity to the good choices this kid makes every day. Do it in a purposeful way for the next two weeks. Catch your kids making good choices. Give fist bumps. Hey, well done, son. That shows me you're growing

up. Man, the way you just handled that situation, dude, that was awesome. Or just coming up, say, man, I love the way you think. One of my favorite phrases that I love is to say, I wish I was more like you. You were so driven you are so driven by ideas and you have this great imagination, right? Because how many of our kids get in trouble for having a good imagination? Oh, my child's daydreaming in class. Yes, really bright kids daydream, right? They're using their brain. And if I want to get that kid drawn back into class, I can say, hey, where'd you just go in your brain? Because I really want to hear about that because I bet it was an interesting place and I want to hear that story.

Hey, listen, after we get done with this writing assignment, after we get done reading this, I want to hear where you just went. See, I just engaged that kid in his curiosity and passion. And I told him it's great that he has a great imagination. And I told him, hey, we need to read the story right now. But after we do, see, I found a way to get to, yes, let me do this one. Slightly older kid, but you'll get the thing. I get the premise. Forgive me for talking so quickly, but I really try to keep these short. But man, this has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now of getting these emails of like, oh, we shouldn't be struggling with three-year-olds and five-year-olds. I know they're tough when they don't do exactly what you want them to do. And please know, I'm not asking you to let them be rebellious kids or do whatever they want.

I'm finding ways to get to yes with these kids and giving them purposeful missions and grown-up type jobs because they come alive when they do that. And that's what they're born for, right? And I don't want to fight their nature all the time, especially against arbitrary stuff that we're looking for, right? It's that whole thing of like, I want an obedient child. Well, I want a responsible kid who learns how to think, right? And I want a relationship with him.

And I don't want to fight his nature. So here's an example of, so this was a kid once we were working with. And so in second grade, he's reading a book. Well, it's the middle of math class, right? So what do we say? This isn't what we say. Oh, you know what? It's okay. You can read the book in the middle of math class. That's fine. You don't have to follow any directions. That's not what I'm saying. But I also don't want the teacher saying you know what Jonathan you never listen We're in math class and you're reading a book and that's not right and you don't follow directions If you don't follow directions life, you're gonna have it. So you don't want that. But how do we engage it? Oh

Jonathan hold on. There's a plane flying over and so this is real life. Just roll with me here, right? I'm not going to edit that out because it's just right with too much perfectionism. Just look, I'm trying to model this of if you have a strong will, you've got to roll with life a little bit and you're going to have to modify how you see things and how you see your own role and the vision for your family of like, oh, we're going to be very organized and disciplined. We're going to do all these things. Look, I have one of the most disciplined kids who's a young man now, one of the most disciplined young men on the planet, makes written lists, follows through. I just saw the email that he sent to the CEO of this company that he's working for on the side.

And I was like, hey, this is middle to upper management level email to a senior executive. The way that you laid that out, the thought processes, how you did it in a concise way. And you know that the CEO is a rambunctious sort of go for it kind of guy. Your tone was perfect, right? My son has a ton of discipline. Was he disciplined as a four and five and six and seven year old? No. Right. But anyway, so here's how I engage with this kid in my class. Hey, Jonathan, you know what I love about you? That you're curious. You love to read because you're curious. So here's what's going to happen. I want you, after we're done with math and after we get back from lunch,

I want you to share with the rest of the class what you're reading about. Because I wish all the other kids read as many books as you did. I wish they were as curious as you are. So here's what we need to do. Put away your book for now. We're going to do math. And then after this class, I'm going to have you share what you're learning from that book. Because I love that. Now, I can do that in a lot quicker way. I probably do that in seven seconds. I'm not going to do it because my brain's all over the place. I can do that in a lot quicker way I probably do that in 7 seconds I'm not going to do it because my brain is all over the place I can do it very quickly hey Jonathan, love that you love to read

so curious, I wish all the other kids were like that listen it's math class right now so I need you to put away your book we're going to do our math but after we're done I want you if you want to to share with the rest of the class what you're reading about because I want them to be curious like you

that took what, 10, 15 seconds to do? And instead of labeling the kid a bad child because he's not following directions, and what did the mom who emailed just emailed, which is he's always alone, off to himself. Why is that a bad thing? He's just trying to discover things. He doesn't want to collaborate yet because he's five. He's trying to figure out things on his own. That's independent play. It's independent thinking. We want that. He doesn't participate in circle time. Who cares? I didn't participate in reading when I was a kid. I hated my entire childhood. I feared a teacher calling on me to read out loud. Why? I was voted shyest boy in my high school class. I didn't want to read out loud. I'm a voracious reader. I'm always reading two books at one time. I love reading. I loved reading as a kid, but I didn't want to read out loud in class. When do you have

to read out loud in real life? You don't usually have to read out loud. You get asked to share your opinion at the office in a meeting, but you don't have to read out loud all the time. It's arbitrary, right? He only wants to do what he wants to do. That's his job description. I hate to say that to you, but that's his job description right now. He wakes up and he's got a vision of what he wants to do in his job. If there's any time that your kids are allowed to be curious and follow that curiosity, do it while they're young.

Because I guarantee you when you get into third grade and fifth grade and middle school, you're not going to encourage a lot of creativity and a lot of curiosity. You just got to get the assignment done. You got to put... My point of view is you have the rest of your life to be miserable and do that stuff. Let's teach kids to be responsible, to be good thinkers. I'll end with this. Our goal finally became for Casey to be this. I want to raise a curious child who loves to learn. And if I was saying in the spiritual aspect,

I want to raise a child who loves other people as much or more than he loves himself. What more do you want? A curious kid who loves to learn. Does that mean he always gets good grades? No, because he might not read things on the approved reading list, but he's always trying to learn. He's figuring things out and he's tinkering with things. That kid's learning. He's exploring. That's what we want from a spiritual sense. Do I want a kid who's just obedient? He follows directions all the time. No, I want a kid who loves big, who learns how to meet people where they are,

who sees people who are hurting, and he has compassion on them, and he tries his best to help them. See, I'll take a compassionate kid, I'll take a compassionate, curious kid over a compliant, rule-following, obedient kid any day of the week. And I'll take a curious,

compassionate adult over a law and order, rigid type adult any day. Does that make sense? I hope it does. So moms and dads of toddlers, I'll say what's top of mind. Relax and realize it's not your fault. You didn't do something wrong. This is the way they were born. Get used to this being their nature. You're not going to snuff it out of them. You're not going to consequence it out of them. They're going to be like this when they're 20 and when they're 30. It's going to serve them really well.

It's just going to be hard. And I'd rather you focus your energy on learning how to work with their nature and say yes within your boundaries. Give them ownership. Please, moms and dads, if you listen to the Strong Willed Child program, it's part of the Calm Parenting Package. If you need help with it financially, email Casey.

Be assertive. We like assertive go-get-it people. Say, hey, I want your stuff because I'm struggling with my toddler. How do I get that? Casey will work with you on that, but you're going to learn about how to give your kids ownership, right? Over their choices within your boundaries. So this has nothing to do with being permissive. It has to do with you not being so rigid and teaching your kids

how to actually be responsible and doing things in a different way that just irritate you because you have control issues like I do, right? And so don't be worried about getting that call from school. I would just call them and say, hey, I'm proactively calling you. Is my daughter doing that yet? Because I know it's going to happen, right? And then I give the teachers some tools to help with my child and we create successes. If you need some help with this, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. I hope this was okay. It was kind of top of mind, emergency thing. I'm going to ask Casey to process this and send this out as quickly as possible.

Please share this with other parents of toddlers or parents of other kids. Because I don't want parents feeling guilty for this stuff. And I want you to actually have some actionable plans and ways of helping these kids actually enjoy the strong willed child. That's my goal. I want you to enjoy the strong willed child. They're a gift to you. They're awesome kids. Anyway, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.