Calm Parenting Podcast - Motivating A Kid Who Gives Up or Has Shut Down

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

Motivating A Kid Who Gives Up or Has Shut DownYou have a child who gives up when things get hard or who has already shut down. He just won’t push through in school, sports, or music. So how do you motivate a child like this without crushing his spirit or causing her to become defiant? If you don’t do this right, there are dire consequences. Seriously dire. And perhaps that’s why Kirk got so emotional when describing what these kids feel. You may even want to let your child listen to this. Get 3 FREE Programs this week when you visit our Products page at https://www.celebratecalm.com/products. Need help? Contact [e-mail] or call 888-506-1871. We are here to serve you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey everybody, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Excited to be here. Wanted to talk today about motivation because I had a couple questions at live events through

emails on our Facebook page, Celebrate Calm, that I wanted to respond to and share with you. And that's one of the great things about doing live events is we just get to interact with you because we don't like just show up and like dart out of there. I'm there early. I talk to people beforehand and then we'll stay, you know, sometimes 30, 45 minutes an hour and talk to people afterwards because we really want to help. So we're coming up. We're leaving next week. We're going to be in Overland Park, Kansas, Springdale, Arkansas. Then we head down to Texas and then out to California. So you can find all of that at CelebrateCalm.com. Just look up the live events tab and you'll see where we're going to be. And while you're there, sign up for the free newsletter.

One, it's free, like the podcast. And you also get written tips, which is kind of nice. And if you tell us where you're from, then when we come to your area, we'll send a heads up and say, Hey, we've got a free event right in your neighborhood. Come on down, meet us, come to a live event. If you want us to come to your community, whether you're in the States or Canada or overseas, because we travel everywhere, just email my son Casey. It's C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com, or you can call us at 888-506-1871, and we'll get back to you within a few hours, because my son, he doesn't really get any time off. It's awesome. So anyway, because we know that you need help, and so we're here to do that. So

here are the couple, let's frame this. So a workshop last week, talking to this mom, she's got, oh, I've got a daughter, she's 13. And she's kind of given up, she's not motivated, she won't do anything, kind of has a bad attitude. And of course, consequences don't work. What are you going to take away from a girl who doesn't care about anything? And how do you so how do you motivate this child? And we got an email from really good parents, really engaged, involved. And I wanted to share this with you because I'm really passionate about this and it's really important. So they've got a six-year-old son. So look, we talk about teenagers, we talk about a nine-year-old, 10-year-old, all the different ages, doesn't matter.

But the six-year-old son, Ryan, really strong-willed, started the show at a young age. He's a really bright kid. He reads about one grade level above his grade, awesome, seems to have a really good understanding of math. And so far, I'm reading this, I'm like, pretty good. I'd be happy with that. Gets better. He loves to get non-fiction books from the library and loves learning about ancient cultures. And he's really fascinated in learning all sorts of new things. And so I'm getting this email. I'm like, I want to adopt that kid. I'll take him. I wish my son had been like that. So what's the problem? So you go on, you find his biggest hurdle in life. And look, I've talked to these parents, so they're good parents, so I'm not mocking them. But it's funny when you step back and it's not

your kid and you think and you're reading his biggest hurdle in life. He's six. There shouldn't be any hurdles in life when you're six. Your job is to explore stuff and have fun, right? And to be curious and learn all these new things, right? But we start, look, you can hear the anxiety in the voice of like his biggest hurdle already. We're seeing signs of impending doom. And there is impending doom. And I'm really serious about this, but it's not from what you think. So his biggest hurdle in life is not being motivated, not putting forth effort when he's challenged. As soon as something's tough, he's quick to give up. And this goes for sports and school. This describes every single strong-willed child I have ever met and worked with. I had 1,500 of these kids

in our home. I've worked with hundreds of thousands, almost a million parents. These kids, they're all like that. So don't worry about it. And I'm going to tell you why, and why this is so important, okay. So, um, and then the other part of it, he sent the, the dad sent the, uh, uh, small portion of his progress report. This is first grade. And he said, the teacher's already picked up on this. Here's what the teacher said. Ryan has potential, remember that word, to really excel academically. So I hope to instill in him a desire for going to the next level. Now I'm going to tell you what to do to help Ryan, little kid, and the teenager.

But first, the warning. This is danger zone to me. And you may hear it as an innocent little email and an innocent thing of like, oh, we just wanted to go to the next level and try harder. But I want my tone. If my tone sounds dire, it's because I mean it to. Because this is a big warning sign to me. These are really good, engaged parents. You're listening to a parenting podcast. You know what that tells me? You're a good, engaged parent. But bad stuff happens to kids and families, even in homes where the parents are really good, engaged parents. And so please don't take this lightly. But when I read this, warning bells went off. Why are we trying to get and still desire to go to the next level in first grade? I don't want to say it's crazy and insane. I hate those words.

And I don't want to say it's stupid. It's dangerous. And here's why. If you do not accept your kids as they are, and if you do not stop projecting your adult expectations on your six-year-old, your nine-year-old, your 13-year-old, your 16-year-old, you will cause your child to shut down. And they will begin to feel like they can never please you, that it's never good enough.

And these kids, because I've worked with thousands of them, they will become extremely frustrated. They will stop being curious. They will start being defiant. They will stop wanting to learn. They will start shutting down. And it happens all the time. And a child like this will feel like he can never live up to your expectations. And these kids feel this deeply, even when it's really, really subtle, right? And what happens is you're going to listen to this, and you're going to stop for a little while because you're going to kind of chill. But then the pressure and your own anxiety will keep bringing this up because you're going to get little notes from school again.

And you're going to be at the sports field and the other kids are going to be working really hard or trying and your child's not. And your anxiety is going to kick in and you're going to start getting on them again. And you're going to make all these little comments. You know, if you would just apply yourself. And I will tell you, those are devastating words because the attitude behind it, your kids pick up on and they know that you're comparing them to their siblings, comparing to their peers, and they won't have any of that. They will shut down and it will get very, very nasty inside very, very quickly. And you know what the hard part of this is?

You're not really doing anything wrong, right? It's not like you're yelling at your child. You're not like taking away all their stuff and being mean, but it's your attitude and your anxiety that will actually destroy your child's confidence and curiosity. And you don't want that, right? And so watch these terms like you need to try harder. If you just apply yourself, you'd be capable of so much more. That sentiment, those words will destroy your child's confidence and curiosity. Some of you are there already. You have an older child and you've been doing this for years. And this isn't about assigning blame to you.

There's no blame and guilt in anything that we do. All I want is a simple recognition and some humility to say, you know what? That is my issue. It's my own anxiety. I've dumped my own anxiety on my child his entire life. And now he's shut down. I've got a defiant child. And I think it's the child's issue.

But in all reality, it was my own anxiety that has pushed my child away. And I just want that recognition because until you recognize your part in this, and here's the beautiful part of our philosophy is it's not blaming you like it's your fault. You're a bad parent. It's this, your anxiety is the issue. Well, the good part is you can control your anxiety. You can start changing the way you talk to your child. You can change your expectations and all of that will change how your child responds to you, right? So that's all within your power and that's good news, okay? So you're going to have to apologize and rebuild this relationship and we'll go through some of

that. I'll show you how to do that, right? Because you're going to have to release your child to be who he is or who she is to fulfill his or her own potential. It's just not going to be the way you want it done. And I want you to walk through the No BS program. That's why I created it because I've seen so many kids get hurt and families, their relationships destroyed. So I put together these 25 action steps in the No BS program. We've got the CD program on motivating your child, the 30 Days to Calm, which is all about learning how to control your anxiety. You've got to go through that stuff and work at this.

Okay? So if you have a younger child, do not go down this path. You'll end up spending his whole childhood trying to fix what you perceive is wrong instead of building on your child's natural strength. And that's devastating to your kids. So don't do it. This is more about your anxiety as a parent. And I get it. You love your child. You want him to excel in life. You want him to succeed. And I do too. But you have to get out of your short-sighted anxiety because you're going to push and pressure and misunderstand your child. Look, we say things like this all the time, where he's just lazy. In most cases, he's not being lazy. He's

just not motivated and he doesn't care about the things you want him to care about. Those are two entirely different things, right? If I came to you and said, I want you to do a report for me on, I mentioned this last time because Case and I are kind of into this, but something like the differences in Dostoevsky and, who's the guy we're reading now, Tolstoy, in their writing style. And then you didn't want to do it. I'd be like, well, you're just lazy. No, you just don't care about

Russian literature and Russian philosophy. Right? And so, you've got to watch your words and the things that you say to your kids, because if you just tell a child he's lazy, inside he's going to be like, screw you, screw you. You have no idea how hard I've worked and how hard I'm working.

It's just harder for me than it is for my siblings because of the way my brain's wired. It's not an excuse. It's just true, right? And so there's a difference between being lazy and just not being motivated, right? And you've got to know that. And these kinds of things make our kids angry and resistant and shut down. And some of you are already seeing that, right? And so let me give you an example of this, right? So we're at a live workshop. Mom and dad come up, really good parents. And the child is playing a musical instrument, playing piano.

And of course, they're paying for lessons. So once you start paying for lessons, there's pressure now because we're paying for this. We want you to work at it. We want you to practice. And I start talking to them. And here's what I find out. Their daughter doesn't want to practice an hour a night. I'm like, okay, so does she love playing piano? What does she like

playing? Interestingly enough, I found out this little girl is composing her own music. And I hit my palm on my forehead. I'm like, mom, dad, she's composing her own music. She's practicing by exploring, by playing with the keys, by feeling the music, by seeing what she likes. And their response, but she's not practicing and doing what the piano teacher tells us to.

I'm like, who cares? Fire the piano teacher tells us to. I'm like, who cares? Fire the piano teacher. Let your daughter sit at a piano and feel the music and enjoy herself and explore and compose. And your job now isn't to come along and say, well, honey, you're not practicing. We need you to practice and show that you can follow through and listen to someone else. Yeah, that helps. Why don't we just take the joy out of everything our kids do, crush their curiosity, and just make sure that they become the miserable adults that we are. Sorry to be a little bit sarcastic with that, but I want it to sink in. You've got to step back and listen. See, that's their anxiety. She's not doing the right way.

Who says that's the right way? Who says that kids are supposed to do it that way? Who says that Beethoven and Mozart and all those people did it the right way? They didn't. As you've heard in previous podcasts, I'm reading all about Copernicus. Guess what? He didn't go to school for astronomy and neither did any of his mentors. You know why they discovered all these awesome new things about the universe?

Because they were curious and they explored and they came up with all kinds of theories and they tested their own theories and they found out which ones were true and which ones weren't. But nobody affirmed them because they didn't go to the right universities. Well, guess what? They became the teachers and they started their own schools of astronomy. Why? They weren't trained in it because they were curious. You know why? Because they did it on their own time and they didn't have parents saying, you can't do that. You need to do it this way. So chill. Look, this young man, Ryan, he goes to the library. He seeks out books on ancient cultures. He's a curious kid.

And I have a message for you. I want you to feed that. Feed that curiosity. Don't allow artificial standards and expectations to destroy or squash that confidence. I would go to the teacher and say, Mrs. Teacher, I love that you love my child and assign homework and assignments because you want my child to learn. You and I are on the same page. We want our son to be curious and to love to learn and to read and to write. As a matter of fact, my son's reading above grade level, which means he's probably bored in your class and that's why he's

getting in trouble, by the way. But I want to release you, Mrs. Teacher, from the expectation that you have to give my son homework. Here's what we're going to be doing in our home. Some nights we'll do the homework, but some nights we're just going to let our son read about ancient cultures and look stuff up on the internet and watch documentaries because he's a little ancient culture nerd and we want to feed that. And he's learning so much about the world and we don't want to squash that in order just to get an artificial homework assignment done. Look, I'm not being disrespectful to the teacher. I just thanked her and I released her from the expectation that she needs to do that for my son because I'm the one who's responsible

for my son's education, not a school system or anybody else. I am. And I want the teacher to know, thank you for doing that. But some nights we're not going to do that. And Mrs. Teacher, could you do this? I know that my son struggles with writing assignments because getting all those thoughts organized in his brain is really tough. He's got dysgraphia, whatever else it is. And so could we do this? You know, you and I have the same goal. We want our son to learn how to write effectively, to write persuasively and to use good vocabulary words. And so can we, when we have a writing assignment, could you let my son do as a writing assignment on an ancient culture? Because I guarantee you he'll do a lot of work on that. It'll be fascinating and he'll love to learn. It just won't be according to what the school board or your lesson plan was. And I don't want to dismiss that, although I am, because it's really

not that important, okay? Because let's keep an eye on our larger goal is we want a curious child who loves to learn, and who loves to read, and he loves to write. So rather than pursue this, I want my son to keep reading these books. So would you mind if we do it that way? And it's okay if you want to mark his grade down. that's okay because I'm not really concerned about grades in first and second, third grade. I just want a child who's really passionate about stuff. Look, even for your older kids, this is a hard, hard message, and your anxiety is going to cause you to resist this. But you have to feed your child's interests and passions even when they don't get grades for it. You must do that. This girl, this 13 year old girl, look, we're in the, we're in the live event and I can read people pretty well. And I'm seeing this mom cringe the

whole time because she's like, Oh, I know I've been on her, on her. She's shut down. She's not responding to anything. And so during the little break, just have a couple minutes, the mom started down on all the negative things. I was like, I don't need to hear all the negative things about your daughter. I'm pretty sure I know what those are. But let me ask you this. What does your daughter love? What brings her alive? Who does she connect with? And within 15 seconds, I discovered that her daughter loves soccer and she gets along really well with younger kids, not siblings because that doesn't count, but other younger kids. So here's the thought. Why don't we go to a soccer coach and say, hey, soccer coach who's teaching younger kids, my daughter's awesome with younger kids.

You're clearly overwhelmed because you've got all these little kids running around. And my daughter loves soccer and younger kids. Could you use a helper? Because she'd love to help you out. And that soccer coach goes to this 13-year-old girl and says, hey, I need your help. Because you know strong-willed kids love to feel helpful. And they like to feel needed. I need your help.

I've got all these little kids. They don't know what they're doing. All they're doing is running around in a little circle. They don't know how to be kicking the ball. They're pretty much kicking each other in the shins. Could you help me out with this? Because you're actually pretty good at soccer. And I think these kids would listen to you. I could break the kids up into groups and you could take a little group over there. You and I can come up with our little plan and some drills to run. And you know what's going

to happen with this 13-year-old girl who's shut down, who doesn't have a vision for her life because she's very bright, but she doesn't like school because school's dumb to her and she doesn't see any way that she can apply it to her actual life. She may have trouble with social skills like many of our kids do, and she doesn't have a good attitude. And I get why she doesn't have a good attitude because we've tried to pigeonhole her into how she should live her academic career and how she should live her life. And she probably feels bad because we've compared her to her siblings and to everybody else. So she's done what any smart 13-year-old child should do. She's shut down. You know why? Because she's protecting herself from more pain and more rejection because that's what she's felt for 13 years. You got to get inside the head

of these kids and inside their hearts and feel what it's like. How would you like it if someone came behind you every day and pointed out all the things you could be doing better? What if I came to your house and say, why aren't you more advanced in your career? You should be making more money. You should be doing better. If you would have just applied yourself early on, how would you like that? You wouldn't. And why do we think it's okay to do that to little kids? And a 13-year-old is capable of a lot, but she's still a little kid. And so she's shut down. And so now we get her out with this soccer coaching kids. You know what she's going to find? Little girls are going to come up and hug her.

You know why? Because they're going to love this 13-year-old. Because she's got a gift with little kids. And they're going to look up to her. You know why? Because she's cool. Because she's 13. And little kids look up to older kids.

And she's going to feel helpful and useful. And an adult in her life, that coach is going to be like, you're really good at this. I appreciate your help. Listen, can you come out Thursday night? And we've got a game on Saturday. Do you have time? Would you come and help? And now she feels like she has something to give. And that confidence, that feeling will eventually bleed over into her attitude and into her school work. Because other adults will be able to say, look, you're a great kid. You're smart. You've got a gift with kids. You could be a teacher. Maybe you could be a child psychologist and help these kids. Maybe you could run your own camp for kids who feel left out or just for kids who love soccer. Who knows what you could do? You could end up being a sports coach in college. Casey has a bunch of friends who are friends that are girls at the University of Minnesota

that are crew coaches, girls rowing. And they love it and they're passionate about it and it's awesome. And so you have to take a strengths-based approach and I want you to listen to the Motivating Kids CD because we teach you how to do this in the Strong Willed Child one and the and this uh controlling your anxiety over this stuff in the no bs program you've got to learn how to do this stuff so you don't crush their spirits so here are a couple more insights for you before before I do that look I don't do sponsors on this show all my favorite podcasts

you spend two or three minutes up front in the middle, brought to you by. I keep getting approached by people who have products that cater to moms because that's who mostly listens to our podcasts. I'm like, I don't like your product. I don't want to do – I've got to be passionate about your product. I don't care about your money. I can't have you as a sponsor if I don't love your product, right? And so I'm like, so this program, this podcast is sponsored by me, sponsored by Celebrate Calm. So go to CelebrateCalm.com. Look up our products page. You're going to see all of our products and you're going to see a special based on these podcasts

this month in which we're going to give you a ton of stuff free, programs that are hundreds of dollars we're going to give to you free. But you've got to invest in our programs. You've got to invest and you've got to invest your money and you've got to invest your emotional energy and you've got to invest your time and you've got to be willing to work at this stuff. And I promise if you do, you will reach inside these kids' hearts and you will change them from the inside out, but it's not going to come by lecturing them and getting on them and trying to be someone they're not, right? So look, so do that. And if you need help with that, email Casey. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y

at celebratecalm.com. Call them at 888-506-1871. Tell them you need help. Tell them about your family. It'll help you out with this stuff. But just do this. It's better than most of the therapy and all this stuff you've wasted your money on, right? I know that sounds jerky. It's not. It's better than most of the therapy and all this stuff you've wasted your money on. I know that sounds jerky. It's not. It's just I have a lot of experience doing this for 20 years, and I know what works and I know what doesn't. And I don't want you to waste money on stuff that doesn't work. And I know that our stuff works because we've helped a million families. So a couple insights here. You can't make your child be interested in something that they're not. I can't make you be interested in something you're not interested in. Have you ever thought about why you have a particular interest or passion in something?

You didn't work yourself up into that. That's different than your job. You're made to be doing your job because you just need money and you've got to pay the bills. That's a whole different thing. But everybody listening to this has a particular interest in a certain topic. You didn't force yourself. Nobody made you do that. It was just there. So stop minimizing your kids' natural passions just because they don't get grades for being interested in ancient cultures. That's a major mistake and it will have devastating consequences for me. But Kirk, you have to do things you don't like to a degree you do. But most of you are happy in your careers, which is only a small percentage of you.

You're happy because you're in a field that you're interested in and you're naturally gifted at. So feed that. Look, if I took an engineer, highly successful engineer, and I said, hey, tomorrow your new job, it's in this ad agency. And I need you to be really creative. And so I'm going to come in and be like, hey, on Tuesday, have you come up with a new ad campaign, really creative one? And he'd be like, I'm an engineer. I'd be like, well, if you would just try a little harder, right? And if you wouldn't give up when it got tough you'd be capable of being really creative and coming up with an ad campaign why aren't you why aren't you even trying to be creative

you know i'm really disappointed in your performance you need to work harder to get to the next level that's preposterous that's harmful but we do it to our kids all the time and we allow it to be done by other people in schools. You're the parent. You need to stop this. And I know my tone is a little dire today, but it's because this devastates kids. Why do we always overlook the positive and focus on the negative? I was talking to this dad just a few months ago, an older dad with an older child. He starts crying. He's like, you know what he said? My son came to me, an older dad with an older child. He starts crying. It's like, you know what he said?

My son came to me, his 16-year-old son. Dad, why do you always point out what I don't do well, but you never mention when I do something well? See, that whole idea of pushing through. No one likes to push through when things are hard. It's human nature. Now, I'm not stopping there. We're not making excuse, but you have to normalize it and talk to your kids and say, of course it's difficult.

Of course that assignment's hard because you're not interested in it. But here, I'm going to give you some tools because you know we talk about tools because you've got to use positive momentum. You've got to jumpstart that child's brain. And we show you how to do that in an OBS program. Like jumpstart the brain, get positive momentum so we can get a success. We want to get a success early on. And we want to break some of these harder assignments into smaller parts. So we can say, of course, that's difficult. Here's what we're going to do first. Let's get a breakthrough right now. Let's get this part done right now. And we're going to put on some intense music. We're going to get some activity going.

Because exercise makes people brighter. Just listen to a great insight. It's brain physiology. It helps. And we're going to get a breakthrough in that. And we can get kids to overcome their challenges. But at age six, chill, chill. The human brain is drawn by intensity

and it's supposed to focus on what intrigues it. It's normal and natural and healthy. So here's my encouragement. You're gonna have to embrace the discomfort. This is gonna make you really uncomfortable because your brain's going to be like, but he's not doing X, Y, and Z. She's not doing it the right way. There's nothing you can do to make them do it the other way. You've already tried, parents of teenagers. You've taken away everything they've owned. You've lectured them. You've shamed

them. And now they've shut down. It lectured them. You've shamed them. And now they've shut down. It doesn't work. You're going to have to control and subdue your own anxiety. You're going to have to work really hard on your own anxiety. And for some of you, it's your own control issues because you are wired in such a way and you did it this way as a child. And now you're projecting your own way of doing things onto your child that always backfires so i want you to embrace your child as they are enter into their world be your child's ruthless advocate help them explore what fascinates them right kindle that curiosity do not allow artificial expectations and standards

to destroy that or it will devastate your child and your relationship. If you have an older child, it's not too late, but you're going to have to repair the damage you've done through your anxiety and those harmful words that you said. You're going to have to humble yourself and go to your child and say, I think I've misunderstood your motives. And then you're going to have to discover what motivates your child and what your child cares about. That workshop the other night, in two minutes, we discovered what motivates that young girl. And now there's hope for her and we can build on that, but you're going to have to learn that process. Look, I hope this makes sense to you. I know this

is hard stuff, but it's a lot easier than getting continual power struggles and fights and having your child shut down. Reach out to us, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at Celebrate Calm.com. Call us 888-506-1871. Go to our website, sign up for the free newsletter, go to the products page. You'll see a special where we're giving away a bunch of these products, hundreds of dollars worth of stuff free this week because we want the breakthrough. If you need help financially, reach out to Casey, email him. We'll put together a custom package. We will help you, but we want you to change this relationship. We don't want your kids shutting down and feeling like there's something wrong with them. Thank you for being a parent. Thank you

for listening to this. Thank you for caring. Thank you for working hard at this and humbling yourself. If we can help you, just let us know how we can do that. Okay. And we'll hopefully we'll see you live at upcoming events. Um, and then hopefully someone, uh, you'll set up some events too. We come right to your hometown. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.