Calm Parenting Podcast - Motivating Kids with Bad Attitudes

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

Motivating Kids with Bad AttitudesYou have a child with a bad attitude toward homework, chores or anything you want him to do. So how do you motivate this child, change the attitude, and connect? Kirk shares some unorthodox, but killer creative ways to do this. Who knew picking weeds and milking cows could lead to success?!  Want to rebuild your relationship with your strong-willed child? Kirk gives you 25 concrete action steps that will motivate your child and get him to trust you. 50% off for podcast listeners. https://www.celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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strong-willed children. I wanted to give you an update and provide some new case studies. And that's my goal is, as we go along, to keep giving you new insights, more practical applications of this just as we go on. And a lot of times these happen. I've got three stories and it's based on a phone consultation I did and then also just meeting people at live events. And sometimes I get some creative ideas that I think I should pass along to you because you never know when it's going to spark something. So first example is, it was some parents I was talking to, they've got a boy who is like most of our kids, not motivated. And he's become angry and argumentative. He negotiates everything. And so you don't talk to the parents, you figure out like, okay,

the kid kind of feels helpless, like he kind of wants to do well, but he's got a lot of issues. And so he just never seems like he measures up against his sister or anybody else, so he feels helpless and embarrassed. He feels dumb. And so the fact that he's angry and argumentative and negotiates makes sense to me, right? Because the rest of his life feels like it's out of control, so now I've got to try to control something. And what I want to reinforce in this point here is that most of the outward behavior and the negative behavior you're saying, it's a byproduct of a kid who feels helpless and dumb and doesn't feel good about himself, right? Because parents will keep asking like, well, what do we do about knocking out that bad attitude? I was like, I don't know. What are you going to do? Take away more stuff? Like that's not going to work. The bad attitude isn't the issue. That's merely a byproduct of all the other stuff going on. So as we dig in a little bit more, you hear phrases like, well,

he says he feels like we're against him. Well, you've heard that before because our kids feel like they're battling against the world. And so the parents have gotten into, you know, we all do this. They got into this habit of, well, if you don't do your homework, if you don't do your chores, if you don't turn off your screens, then X is going to happen, right? And so it's become just failure mode. Like just about every discussion is focused on stop this, don't do that. And they've become kind of, what I heard was, I said, you're kind of nitpicking him to death, right? Like everything's negative. And so I use this analogy and I asked the mom, I was like, what if I came to your house every day or just one day and I just followed you around all day

and picked out every single thing that you could do better with the meals that you make, how you clean the house, for how you do your job at the office, for how you do, right, like how you parent your children, how you do everything. Like what if I nitpicked and it was great because this mom said, yeah, you know, I cringed. Like when you said that, I cringed because that's what it must feel like for him. So it's like, good. So let's start doing the opposite. So give him some space. Remember in the No BS program, there's a whole section on releasing your kids from expectations. So I want you to listen to that and do that because it's really, really powerful. And again, focus on what they're doing well. So here's the thing that I really wanted to get to

because I like this kind of insight, right? So we're talking about doing chores, doing about homework. And remember, we talked in the program about jump-starting the brain, right? And you know how it is with our kids. Like I was joking how with Casey, like back when he was a teenager and he was playing Xbox, like I could put the trash, I could put a trash bag on top of his Xbox controller, which is pretty much a reminder of, hey, you need to take out the trash. And yet he would be able to just like brush it aside or kick it to the side as if it wasn't there, right? Or like you put something in front of the door and you can't open the door without seeing this bag of trash. And yet somehow they don't put it together in a moment of like,

oh yeah, the trash needs to go out. So we talk a lot about jump-starting the brain. But what happened in this phone consultation is what happens every time, which is about an hour into it, I get the insight, right? I find something interesting. And so I was like, well, what does he like doing? What does he enjoy? And it can be something weird, right? It doesn't have to be, you know, just tell me. And so the mom and dad were like, well, he likes to pick weeds. And I was like, oh, that's cool. Now let's look at this. So you take one little random thing about your child.

He likes to pick weeds. Okay, no big deal. Oh, no, it is a big deal. Before I dig into it, think about this for chores. Why do the chores, why do you have to decide exactly what the chores are? Why don't you go to your child and just say, look, your kids and say, here are a list of all the things that have to decide exactly what the chores are? Why don't you go to your kids and say, here's a list of all the things that have to be done around the house. I don't care which ones you do.

You just have to do three of them or five of them, whatever you want. And he could pick picking weeds, and that could be his chore that he does because I guarantee you nobody else in the house wants to do it, and your kids often like to do weird things like that or shovel mulch, you know. So give your kids some ownership over something different. But here's what's kind of cool. So when you start to think about these things with your kids, I want you to become very curious. I know we're very busy, but you've got to take some time and be curious and think, why would my child enjoy picking the weeds up? So you start to think about it. You think like, okay, well, one, he's outside. So outside is good

because it's fresh air and it means he's alone. And it means my parents won't be out there nitpicking me and my annoying siblings aren't there. So I get to be out there alone. And while he's picking the weeds, he can have his little earbuds in, listening to music. And as I said that to the parents, they said, oh, he loves listening to audiobooks. I was like, oh, that's another great insight. So he doesn't like to read, and you know, I'm a huge reader, and so is Casey, and I want kids to read, but there's no reason they can't listen to a lot of audiobooks because they're still learning, and it's a good thing. So now he's outside by himself listening to the

audiobooks. The picking weeds is very tactile. It's very sensory because he's feeling the soil and the dirt. He's picking something up, and there's pressure, and now he's throwing the weeds to the side, and he's making a pile. When he walked out to pick up the weeds, he saw that the lawn didn't look so hot, but now it's looking cleaner and he's seeing this pile of weeds grow. Well, that's a sense of accomplishment. That feels good. And so it's all of those things are just healthy, good things, right? Now it's not going to change his whole childhood, but we can use that. One, we can get him out there doing it because it seems to bring him some satisfaction. He gets fresh air. That'll probably change his mood a little bit. It gives you something to praise him for, but let's keep going with this. Why can't we take this the extra step and say,

hey, look, very few people like to pick weeds, and yet you do. Why don't you make up some flyers and take it around to people in the neighborhood? Because he happens to be a very good communicator. He's good at talking to people. He just doesn't like to write or read so much, not so great at math. So you've got to play to their strength. So can you imagine he starts a little business, and he starts picking up weeds and taking people, taking care of people's lawns. People will pay money for that. And now guess what? He's got the perfect sister who's awesome at school, but now he's the one who's earning some money doing something practical. And other adults are talking to him saying like,

man, you really cleaned up our yard. That's pretty awesome. Listen, we're going to do some spring cleaning here. We need some help cleaning out our attic. You think you'd mind climbing up in our attic and doing that? Because we'll pay you for that. And he starts making some money and that's tangible and concrete. And he can start to buy his own things and he can be responsible and he can give to charities with it. And now, and look, run with this a little bit because this is how these things work. He volunteers or gets a job down the street helping an elderly couple doing their lawn. And so they may not have a lot of money or he says, I'll do it for free, but they agree to feed them because they've got time. And so this woman's a guy is a great cook.

So they invite him in for a snack or for dinner. And you know what ends up happening? He ends up taking his homework down there and doing his homework at the elderly couple's house. Now you say like, oh, that doesn't happen. It does happen. We've done that a lot with people because, look, doing homework in different places is really stimulating. Plus, other people are patient with your kids when you're not. And I guarantee he may be sitting outside at this couple's house. It doesn't have to be an old couple. It could be someone else. And maybe they have little kids and your son or daughter is good with working with

little kids or taking care of their animals. And he likes hanging out down at their house and he does his homework down there. And the old lady brings him lemonade and sits down and the old guy has a workshop and he says come in here I want to show you some things and he has this great experience with these adults and he gets some of his homework done there don't miss these things it's hugely important and you're going to say but that's not the right way to do it or the normal way. Who cares? Your child's not normal. He's a little bit different. Who says the normal way is the right way to do it? Don't be afraid to do things like this.

So last night at the live event, I talked to these parents. They've got a 12-year-old son. Same thing, doesn't want to do chores, doesn't want to do homework. Everything's like pulling teeth. So we talked about using intensity to jumpstart the brain. Remember, listen to the No BS program and read the case studies on how to jumpstart the brain. So I said, what kind of music does he like? It's probably something you hate like rap and

you're like, yep, it's rap music. And I was like, okay, so let's give him some rap music to listen to when he's doing his homework. Well, but the lyrics aren't so great. Okay, we'll find some rap music where the lyrics are just not as awful as some of the other ones. Case and I were just listening to a podcast and there's some guy on there. I forget his name. It might have been Zuby or something like that. He sounded like he was kind of like a Christian rap artist or something. So if that's your flavor, go for it. But who cares? Let him listen to his rap music and jumpstart his brain and doing the homework in public. But here's what was interesting. Along the way, the parents said, well, you know, he has such a good time when he goes and works at the dairy farm. And I was like, you've got to tell me these things.

So he works at a dairy farm. Again, think how interesting this is. And as you listen to these things you pick up on things we have kids who are kind of physical like this so he likes working at the dairy farm and immediately my brain work went to well shoot send him to the dairy farm with his backpack and let him go do his work and then when he's done or in between his chores at the dairy farm he can do his homework there because he's going to be doing it after he's done physical exercise, which stimulates the brain and which is very

calming. And it's a very good way to jumpstart the brain. And he gets to do it in public in different ways where you don't miss those opportunities to try these things. And I looked at the dad and this dad, no offense, dad, but he was kind of a frumpy looking like 50s, you know, in his 50s like I am and he didn't look like really cool or anything and so I hope you're not offended but it's just true, he didn't. I was like, dad, do you want to connect with your son? Listen to some of the rap music and he's like, I don't like that stuff. I said, of course you don't, you're 50, you're not going to like it, I don't have to like it either but listen to it because your son's into it. Take an interest and then be curious and say,

I'm curious, what about this music or this artist resonates with you? And if you want to take it to that next extreme, go to a rap concert with him sometime. Now, you're going to look like a total dweeb. It's like a 50-year-old frumpy dude going in there. But go do it with them because that's just, it forms a bond with a child when you can connect with them instead of always like, I don't like your music. Your music doesn't have good lyrics. It's not like any child in the history of the universe has ever said, my mother, father, I think you're right about my generation's music. It really is a terrible influence. Could you please get out some Sinatra, maybe some Tony Bennett? Maybe we could listen to some big band music. That was a lot better. Although if you listen to the lyrics of some of that old music, it was highly sexual, just not as overt, which

makes it in some ways even more sensual. But anyway, do that, like connect with him over that. And then they brought up the writing process. Like, how do you get them to write? How do you jumpstart? I said, listen, I said, just listen, you've got to go through the no BS program. It's got an entire thing on how to do the writing process. And I gave her a little hint with it of like letting him do it in a sloppy way. And she was like, I can't allow him. He needs to have good penmanship and he needs to do it in a neat way. And I was like, then just give up because he's never going to write. Like either be willing to go all the way on this and try different things or just pick the power struggle. I'm telling you you, with a lot of our kids, that works.

And by the way, let his writing assignment be something he's interested in, right? The top three qualities of his favorite rap star. Maybe he can contrast East Coast versus West Coast old school rap. I don't care. The topic doesn't matter to me. It's I want him to get some confidence actually writing and seeing that he is a good writer and learning how to put together his thoughts in a persuasive way. That's what we want, right? It's just in school a lot of times we give writing assignments on topics that are so obscure or just not interesting to a kid

that it would be almost impossible for an adult to do it. So anyway, so final one, third one was after that, we'd done this live event. It was getting late. And so I stood outside so that the venue could close down. People could go home. So I was standing outside with this nice couple and they'd adopted a son and he had some fetal alcohol stuff. So he's had got some issues in school with some things, especially with math and with reading, but he's a got some issues in school with some things um with especially with math and with reading but he's a really good communicator and so you're going along it's interesting because when i talk to people it's like wow this is really bad like i like what's he gonna do in life and then all of a sudden it's like well he doesn't like to read but he likes when um he likes when i read to

him and he doesn't like his books but he does like astronomy and i was like well that's kind of cool like he likes the moon and sun and she goes no no no, no, my son, my little son, I think it was eight or nine. He can explain black holes. And I was like, oh, so he's like a little astronomy genius here, right? Like this is pretty cool. So here was the idea. One is let's play to his strengths, right? So when he has to do a writing assignment, let's make it about black holes. When you want to get him up in the morning and you want to draw his attention, say, hey, listen, I was listening to this podcast for this guy who was speculating whether a black hole could spawn another black hole. I just made that up. I don't know if that's true, but it would be interesting to a kid like that. That would get him out of bed to go to school, right?

And so a couple ideas came out of it. One is to relieve your anxiety about this kid's future. The truth is he will probably never be really good at certain things, and that's okay. And you can just let those things go and shore them up, do a little bit of work on it, but don't hyper focus on trying to fix everything because this kid is going to be successful in life if he's allowed to pursue his passions and he's already super bright in this area. So why not sometimes, here's an interesting idea for you. Instead of making him do homework every night, which has very little utility anyway and only causes a lot of frustration. What if you send in a note to the teacher, go meet with the teacher and say, listen,

we're not going to do homework every night, but here's what my son does at night. He listens to podcasts on astronomy. He listens to, I think the guy's name is, is it Neil deGrasse Tyson? Neil Tyson? He's like one of the foremost, world's foremost astrophysicist. I've listened to his podcast before. I don't understand most of it, but he's fascinating. And as long as the content's fine and he doesn't swear and do stuff that you don't want your child to listen to, why can't he listen to some interesting science podcasts and then do a report on it, right? Like be creative and push back a little bit at school and say, Mrs. Teacher, I understand what you want. You want my son to learn how to write, to learn how to read,

to learn how to do things, to do these projects. And what I want you to know is it's pulling teeth every night. It ends up in tears and he's not successful. But what if he were to listen to a podcast and based on that podcast, he did his project based on a couple astrophysicist projects or principles. Would that be okay to do? Because he'd do that in a heartbeat. So do that.

And then I asked the parents, the dad, I was like, I want you to look up your local community college and see if there's a college class, even adult curriculum or a college class on astrophysics or astronomy or something like that, and then sign up for it. And I don't know if you're allowed to, but maybe you sign your son up for it, or you sign up and you take him. How cool would it be one or two nights a week that you go over to the community college with your eight or nine-year-old son and you take him to class and he sits there and he gets it and he goes up afterwards and he talks to the professor and now he's taking classes with like young adults and grown adults. That will counter the feeling of you're dumb and you're stupid and you can't sit still in class and you don't do your schoolwork well because he's hanging out with adults and he's getting it. So the point is, you get the point. Don't be afraid to do things differently

and start with their strengths and build on that. If you're listening to this and somehow you don't have the program, just look it up. It's celebratecalm.com forward slash NOBS. Just look up the NOBS program. You'll find it. It's fantastic and listen to it. forward slash NOBS. Just look up the NOBS program. You'll find it. It's fantastic and listen to it. If you've got questions, email me and I'll try to address this in a future session. But thank you all for investing this time. Thanks for going through the program.

This is a little bit of a reminder to go back through it because there are 25 steps. If you got stuck on a step, go back and do it again because it will work. But remember to release kids from your expectations, right? That was a really important step. So anyway, thank you all for listening. If we can help you in any way, remember to reach out to my son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. If you want help with anything, with scheduling workshops, or call us 888-506-1871. We'll be glad to help you however we can. And we appreciate how hard you're working at this. If we can help you, just let us know. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.