Calm Parenting Podcast - My Son Follows Me, Relentlessly, Picking Fights

Episode Date: September 10, 2023

My Son Follows Me, Relentlessly, Picking Fights What do you do when your child gets upset at you, then follows you around relentlessly, hurling socks and words at you until you give in or explode? Kirk shares a new script and action plan to handle this situation differently. Want to finally stop the power struggles AND enjoy your strong-willed child? Kirk shows you exactly how with 30+ hours of content delivered directly to your phone, iPad or laptop. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package. Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com/50calm and use code 50calm for 50% off plus 15% off the next 2 months! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you slow down. You sit down. You give your upset, disappointed, frustrated child your intensity. And you say this. So look, here's the game we're playing. Three things I know. Number one, you're mad at me because I wouldn't let you have your video games or I took your screens away from you. Number two, you're mad at yourself because you did something stupid to lose your video games and you're beating yourself up for that. And number three, so now you're throwing socks, you're throwing things, you're throwing harsh words at me, pestering me until I finally give in and give you what you want. Or I react and yell, right?

Because you're trying to get a reaction because then at least you've got my intense interaction. That's what's going on here. And I've got three thoughts for you, son. And then I'll let you control exactly what happens next. Now that's the answer. But what is the question? We're kind of doing Jeopardy here because I was on this long drive, like 26 hours over two days. And a mom gave me this question. I was thinking, oh, I think I'll just start with the answer because I was really excited about that, and then we'll do the question. So that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. And since I'm doing this differently today from a hotel somewhere, right, early in the morning, hopefully

not waking up people in adjoining rooms, right? I'll be a little bit more blunt. A couple things I want you to do this week. Look, if this podcast resonates with you, email Casey. It's C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us what you're struggling with. Ages of your kids. What are the hardest things? What are your big triggers? And we'll answer you back personally right and I encourage you share the podcast with other people right because it's just a nice thing to help other struggling parents so what is the question now this comes from a really great mom we said this when my son loses his video games are a privilege. He gets upset. He will literally follow me around

everywhere, pestering me, picking a fight with me, not letting it go. So what do I do in that moment? Now, here's what won't work, right? You know, our famous chips and salsa story where I invited Casey to come talk to me about his frustration with me over chips and salsa. It's not going to work in this moment, right? Your son's going to say, I hate salsa. It's stupid, right? And he's not going to do push-ups with you or some exercise. And rather than just play the silly games we play with our endless lectures, right, of like, you know, I wasn't the one who chose to do it, right?

How we assign blame or we get resentful after all I do for you. I can't believe you would treat me this way, or are really nice lectures of, you know, it's not nice when you do X and Y, right? I'd rather speak truth into the situation to provide clarity. So here is what I want you to try this coming week. Now, this isn't the only solution, but it's new for some of you. So try it. And that's why I want you listening to the Calm Parenting Program. Look, just make the investment. Listen to the podcast. You're like, oh, he gets us. He gets our home. This is exactly what we do. And nothing changes. When you get the programs, you get 30 hours and it's on this app. It's really easy to

listen to again and again. And here's the difference between the podcast and the programs. I'm going to give you one idea today. In the programs, I can give you a lot of context. I can give you six or seven things to try in each situation. And I give you dozens and dozens of scripts. Okay, done with that. So I'm going to give you this one strategy and script on this podcast. And I want you to try it. So you sit down. You're slowing yourself down, right? And you're giving your upset, disappointed, frustrated child your intensity, but you're giving it to them in a positive way, not a negative way. I can't believe that you would do this. You know what? If you keep throwing things at me, you're going to lose. None of that ever works. So you speak directly to the situation. Look, son, here's the game we're

playing. Here's what's happening. You're mad at me because I won't let you have your video games or I took your screens away from you. That's true, right? Number two, you're mad at yourself because you did something to lose your video games and now you're beating yourself up for that. That's also happening. See, you're speaking truth into the situation. And so, son, now what's happening is you're throwing these socks at me. You're throwing things at me. You're calling me names. You're just pestering me, following me around because you want me to give in, right? And if I don't give in, at least I'll start yelling at you and then we'll have some intense negative interaction, right? So that's what's going on, son. I've got three

thoughts and then I'll let you control exactly what happens next. Because I like to, look, I like to set it up that you're going to get control of the situation. You have a choice to play here. It's not all about me. Now, here's what I didn't do yet. This is right in the opening monologue. It's this's this first I want to apologize son this could be your daughter too but I'm just using a son because I taught you how to do that last thing I pester you over and over again to do your chores to do your homework right because we do that don't we we follow them around hey did you get that, did you get that done? Did you get that done? Hey, did you do that?

Did you do that? Right, until you give in and do what I want or son, until you fight me, right? Because that's better than apathy or your child ignoring you. So look, that's on me for teaching you that and I promise I'm going to stop that. Look, you just took ownership for your own issue. You just modeled

humility, taking ownership and responsibility, and you just held yourself accountable because we do the same things that our kids do, but better said, they do the same things they see us do. No blame, no guilt. Just realize that you do that and cut it out. Number two, son, you're beating yourself up inside and taking out on me. And what I found in life is that it always makes things worse, right? In a way, you're punishing yourself instead of punishing me. Now look, that's really good insight because your kids do beat themselves up. Right? And so when you speak to that, it resonates because inside they're like, oh that's what I'm doing. And you just gave insight of you're punishing

yourself instead of punishing me because look it's gonna make things worse. Right? Now if you want to add this, you could, either about yourself or maybe your spouse. Now, I'm going to make it about dad because I'm a dad and I used to do this a lot, beat myself up. Hey, son, you know who else does that? Dad. Have you ever heard him get frustrated when he messes up a project? It's because he actually cares so much, but it's not helpful to beat yourself up like that. Again, you're letting the child know this isn't all about you. This is normal.

We all do this stuff, right? And I think that's really important in your home is to normalize this stuff so it's not like, oh, you know what? Dad and I and your two siblings, we do things well all the time. You're the black sheep who always messes up and is in trouble. They're already internalizing that inside. And now I'm just normalizing, look, I pester and pester because I've got all this anxiety and I lecture all the time. And dad, he gets really frustrated when things don't go his way and he gets upset and it always makes things worse because your child's going to be like, oh yeah, dad does that every day. Right? And so that's something obviously, dad, for you to work on, right? You're all working on this stuff together as a family. Now, here's the third thing.

Son, I know you're mad at me, but throwing things, calling me names, and getting in my face is going to have two effects from now on. One, you will not get what you want from now. I apologized for in the past. I gave in to you just to get you to stop, and I apologized. That was wrong. From now on, not going to work. You are not going to get what you want. From now, I apologize for in the past, I gave in to you just to get you to stop, and I apologize. That was wrong. From now on, not going to work. You are not going to get what you want. In fact, you're going to get the opposite of what you want. You're going to lose your screens for longer. Look, I'm not playing this game anymore because you're too old for this, and so am I. Right? So I'm going to the bathroom now, and I'm going to throw in a side here and I hope you don't

think it's gross. It is actually gross, but you could say this. Let me explain this. You say, hey, I'm going to go to the bathroom now because I got to do number two. Now I know that's gross, but I say it sometimes because it hopefully keeps your child away because you have kids who will literally follow you everywhere. I do what works, right? It's like if you want your kids to get away from you sometime, just start making out with your spouse in the kitchen or living room. Because they're going to scream, that's gross. You guys are gross.

And they're going to run to your rooms. And guess what? You'll have peace and quiet. So look, I've got to go to the bathroom. When I get back, you get to control what happens next. You can show me you're mature by handling this well and problem-solving me so it doesn't happen again. We can actually come up with a plan so we don't keep playing this game that no one wins, right? We can come up with an alternative plan

for tonight. I'll give you, right, whatever you want, I'll give you my undivided attention. We can play a game, we can do an activity that we used to do when you were younger, right? But if you want to continue doing this and pestering and throwing things and yelling at me, it's just going to backfire on you, right? Okay, I'll be back in a few. Look, and some of this in the tone is this. It's just not going to work. It's just going to backfire on you, right?

It's the assumed close. It's a matter of fact. It's just, this is the way I roll from now on. It's just not going to work for you because you're taking all that negative energy out of it, right? So there's no guarantee this works at first, but I would try it a few times and here's why I like it. You're not reacting. You're not yelling, not getting upset. You're not blaming. You're not giving all that negative intensity because your kids want intensity. I want to give them positive intensity, right. You're not playing some useless game.

You're not telling him or begging him or pleading him with him to stop. And you're not dodging the main issues. You're not giving endless lectures. You're speaking truth and you're giving clarity about what's really happening. You're treating your child like an adult and expecting him to up his game and act like an adult, right? You're removing yourself. See, when I go to the bathroom, I'm removing myself. Now I give my child some space. Space is really important for the strong willed child. I'm giving my child space to process this without me standing over him saying, you know what? You need to think about your actions, young man, because if you continue to do this, all those things are infuriating. That is provoking your child to anger. Moms and dads, when you lecture, when you go on and on and on, when you stand there

and say, you know, you need to think about this. That is provoking your child to anger. That's your issue, right? Not as blaming guilt, but just own it and stop doing it, right? So I give my child some space to process, right? I'm talking in an even tone. I'm inviting them into problem solve. And you're also crystal clear about your part, what you're doing, have been doing wrong, crystal clear about what you're going to do differently, crystal clear that this is not going to work anymore, right? You're going to get the

opposite of what you're trying to get, son. That's the way it's not going to work anymore, right? That's your game plan. Let's do that this week. Thank you for listening and sharing this podcast. If you need anything, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. We will help you out. I promise if you make the investment and get the Calm Parenting Program or the Get Everything package, you download it to this app. Your spouse can listen to it while they're working out. I would play this in your home. Have it in your head 24-7 because what happens is you begin to get the tone down and it becomes a little bit more natural. And you have so many different options for handling every situation. And as you listen to the programs, if you have questions,

email me directly and I'll help you out with it because we want to see long lasting change. Hey, thank you for listening to this podcast. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.