Calm Parenting Podcast - No More Excuses, Kids! You Have Unique Advantages (For Parents & Teachers)

Episode Date: January 26, 2019

It’s heartbreaking to hear kids say, “I’m stupid” and shut down. Your kids have struggles, but I don’t want to coddle them or make excuses. In fact, I want you to turn their negatives into positives. Listen until the end for one of the most powerful talks you could ever have with your child or student. SHARE THIS WITH TEACHERS. Want to learn how your kids’ brains work, why they struggle, and how you can help them overcome? Learn how here: https://www.celebratecalm.com/adhd-brain-boosters/ Want Kirk to speak at your school or church in 2019? Get 20% OFF for your organization if you email [e-mail] with the subject line CALM2019. Have questions? Email [e-mail]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey everyone, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Hey, I just got back from training teachers at a school. It's actually multiple schools. A lot of times when we do teacher

training, we'll have teachers from multiple schools come because it doesn't cost any more for me to do the training for 500 teachers than it does for 50. So one of our favorite things is getting a whole school district, a whole diocesee or whatever it is, groups of schools to go together because I'd rather impact more people. But something kind of interesting came out of this training that I wanted to share with you. But first I want to go through a couple of quick things. So we're all about giving kids tools and strategies to do well in school, to do well in life, to do well with homework and chores. And so with the training, I went through all the things of let's create successes. Let's give kids tools to succeed instead of just punishing them for not doing things well.

Let's give them the sensory strip to put underneath their desk because that helps with focus and attention. To give them specific jobs to do. An opportunity to move within the classroom, within my boundaries as a teacher. I give kids an opportunity to move to do specific jobs because your kids love helping other adults, right? Allowing kids to do their schoolwork. Take tests underneath the desk. Why not? Kids in circle time, instead of sitting crisscross applesauce, which is really uncomfortable for some kids,

why not let them lay down on their backs and look up at the ceiling during circle time? Because I guarantee you, many of our kids listen best when not looking an adult in the eyes. So there are a lot of different things that we can do. One of my favorite stories I shared is with this teacher in Chicago. His name's, he's called Mr. Z. And Mr. Z has always been given the really difficult, challenging kids. And these are kids who, you know, they're also in a school with extra challenges in that it's not cool to listen and to pay attention in class and do well. It's not cool to listen and to pay attention in class and do well. It's actually cool to be disruptive. So there's only so many times you can send kids to the principal's office because many of these kids, and actually many of the kids that you have, they like getting sent to the principal's office.

Why? Because now they're not sitting in a boring class listening to something stupid, and they're getting to engage the leader of the school. And these are kids who are leaders. These are kids who think they're already adults, even when they're seven and 17, right? And they like that challenge and they can often charm adults. And so they'll sit in the principal's office and talk about geopolitical issues, and they love it. But you know what? There's only so many times that consequences work for our kids, and most of our kids, they don't work. So I got this. This was a couple years ago, but I got this email one day from Mr. Z.

I woke up in the morning. I get this email. It says, I just went out, and I bought a few dozen crayons for my students. This better work. And I love up in the morning, I get this email, it says, I just went out and I bought a few dozen crayons for my students. This better work. And I love the attitude. So the next day, Mr. Z did what I'd urged him to do. He walked into class. He handed out crayons and blank paper.

These are middle school. He's got middle school kids. So he hands out crayons and blank paper and instructed the class. They were free to color while he lectured. And that's it. And what he noticed was the interruptions were down, participation started to improve. And he did this for a couple weeks and measured the students' recall in addition to testing them. And he said 75% of the students improved their test scores.

And then he let them take their tests while coloring. Scores improved even more. And look, there's a lot of science behind this that appropriate fidgeting is actually really helpful. And relaxing while learning and thinking and recalling things is just actually really helpful. Most of us know it intuitively. When we're on the phone, we will sit and doodle. There are many studies that show that you recall more information while you're doodling, while you're on the phone than if you don't. It's simple brain science. It's just that we're so locked in to rigid ways of doing things and we're afraid to try new things that we miss out on using our kids' brains and using

brain science in very practical ways. I mean, he's just getting some crayons. Does that solve every problem in class? No. But the more you do some of these things, the more they add up and you start to use five or six different things in the classroom over the course of the day, it begins to make a difference. And I don't want to give teach, I don't want teachers to have to redo their entire classroom and how they do everything. We're just talking about making some subtle and small changes that actually, instead of adding time, they actually save time, right? A couple minutes up front of proactive work with kids often saves 15 minutes of constant redirection in the classroom.

So then he decided to go the extra step and to start doing some other things because he was, like most teachers and people, you know, he's skeptical, right, of what we're bringing in and what we're teaching. And so it's natural. And I want people to be skeptical, but I want you to try things. So one of the things that we talk about is using kids' natural gifts, talents, and passions in the classroom and at home. And I challenge teachers at times with many of our kids that we work with, they really struggle with writing. Getting thoughts from head to paper is really difficult. We've got a really interesting, cool way to do that. And if you listen to the ADHD University program, you'll learn a lot of these, dozens and dozens of different ways to use their brains. By the way, just go to CelebrateCalm.com.

CelebrateCalm.com, and you'll see a little tab at the top, and it says ADHD. Go there. You can learn more about it. It's awesome. I wish that program was in every single home, every single school in America, because it totally changed the way that you see kids with ADHD. But anyway, I like using kids' natural gifts and passions. So one of the ways, by the way, that we've done that with our kids, the kids who struggle with

writing is occasionally I'll have a teacher say, listen, we're doing this unit. We're talking about ancient Rome and we've got a writing assignment. And look, this writing assignment, I'm going to make you exempt from it, but I want you learning about ancient Rome. And what I know about you is you're really good at building with Legos. You're really good at making things. So could you help me out? Could you build a model of a Roman Colosseum out of Legos, out of clay, whatever you want, and bring that into class, and then I can use that to teach the other kids. And I guarantee you, if once in a while you do things like that, you will engage these kids. That kid will learn more about ancient Rome because he's doing what he loves,

and he's doing something very experiential. By the way, a little side note, kids learn by experiencing things, by doing things. But parents always want to lecture them and tell them what to do. You have to give your kids some space to do things, to experiment, to own their choices and to experiment and to learn by doing instead of learn by telling. That's the way they learn best. So anyway, here's what Mr. Z did. He got two of his kids who are very good at drawing, right? And one of my jokes I always say, you talk to these kids and say, listen, you're really good at drawing because I've seen your graffiti in the boys' bathroom. Highly inappropriate, but actually very good. So I know you love to draw and you're very good at it.

But you tend to zone out my class because you kind of get bored. So what I want you to do is when I'm teaching for the next couple of days, I want you to come up front and I want you to sketch out and draw what I'm talking about. I want you to visually represent my lesson plan so that the other kids who are visual learners will get it. And what you're doing is getting them engaged. It was really cool. He brought in Putty for his builders to use so that they could begin building things and making things. The musical kids were encouraged, instead of always doing writing assignments, okay, here's a writing assignment. Why don't you create a rap song or some original music? You bring it in.

Here's what I'm after. I just want you to learn what I'm talking about. I want you to learn about this subject. I want you to be engaged. I want you to be curious. And if creating a rap song will help you do that, go for it. Because the other kids are probably going to be more engaged as well. So he began using the kids' gifts and passions in class. Now, is this easy? No, it's not always easy, but nothing's really

ever easy. But it's also not easy to constantly be yelling at kids and sending them to the principal's office. So he's using them, their auditory, visual, kinesthetic learning, and it's really, really helpful. So after two weeks, he had had almost every student actively involved in the lessons. And then he went an extra step, which was my challenge to him, which is, why don't you begin turning over teaching part of the lessons to your students? Because then they'd have to research. Look, it wasn't every kid because there were some kids who were great at sitting still and listening. And they may not want to teach. And there are certain kids who are very shy. So I'm not going to make them teach, but certain kids that like to be involved and get them up front

in class, he got them up there doing that. And so he'd turn over and say, listen, you've got about seven minutes. I need to do a seven minute lesson plan. I don't care how you illustrate the lesson, as long as it's within my boundaries and not too inappropriate. As long as you do that, I'm good with that. So we had them taking ownership of the lesson. Anyway, there's some really cool ways to do this in the Brain Boosters program, ADHD University program. You're going to get dozens, dozens, dozens of very, very simple. That was a little bit more involved, but a lot of really simple programs. But here's what I really actually wanted to get to.

So I'm going through all the strategies for the teachers to use. But you know what really hit me? What I really want us as adults, both as parents and teachers, to give our kids is to give them perspective and insight and to talk to them honestly. You know, in the training, one of the things, and in the program, what we go through is there's this chart that you get. It's three columns. It's really, really helpful. It's all about their brain processes and how many of your kids, why their brains are understimulated. So they fidget and doodle and tap pencils while

they're chewing on things all the time, or they hum or talk loudly. It's why they're moving. It's why they're distractible and procrastinate, why they work in spurts, why they argue like attorneys, why they're oppositional, get the board easily. It explains why your kids do things the hard way. There's a column on sensory issues, and we go through kids who are sensitive to sound, to light, to their clothes being feeling a certain way. We go through hyposensitive kids, kids who are always pushing up against things and occasionally push up against other children, right? And they look like they're being aggressive when they're not really aggressive. They're just seeking pressure on their joints and muscles. When we

go through discraphia, difficulty to find motor skills. But the first column we go through is about these kids whose brains are wired in such a way they have these very busy brains. And that's the non-technical term, but it's really easy to understand. They have these very busy brains. You know this about their kids. Their mind's going a million miles a minute and they always have these thoughts and they bounce from one thing to another. So in their brains, guess what happens? There's a lot of chaos and disorder within their brains and they're disorganized and they're forgetful. They do their homework, forget to turn it in, right? They, um, executive functions inhibited. So you ask them to go to the bedroom and get their shoes on. And 45

minutes later, they come down with some really cool Lego project that they built, but no shoes. And it's frustrating. Poor planning and short-term memory. They're always asking, what's the plan? What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? Controlling others and bossy. That's what happens because they feel like everything inside of them is out of control. So they seek to control other people, and they'll become bossy. They dominate conversations. They talk about the same thing over and over again. Social skills are very difficult for these kids. They tend to get along better with older kids and adults or little kids and animals, but little kids their own age, they struggle to connect with.

They can't play games with you or the family or other kids because they change the rules of the game. They cheat or they quit. And it's all because they feel like they're out of control and they feel like they have to control other people. That's why some of the OCD characteristics that they have come from this because everything feels like it's out of control. So I need to plan everything and I need things to be just so. And that's why meltdowns come when little things are off. And to you, it seems like, look, it's no big deal. It's no big deal. Yes, it is because they're so tightly wound and they need things to be just so. And if they're off a little bit, it really freaks them. And we show you how to handle that, but I want you to

know where that comes from. Right? And so they wear the same clothes. They eat the same food all the time. Enforcing justice and fairness is huge. They will argue their point if something is wrong, because that messes with their internal sense and need for order, right? That's where the difficulty with organizing thoughts and writing comes from. It's very difficult to get those thoughts from head down onto paper. Anxiety is huge in these kids, and that's where it comes from this type of brain. They're easily overwhelmed. They have difficulty with transitions. All of that comes from this, and we can explain all that to you and how to help with that. But here's the one that really hit me when I was training in teachers. These kids are often slow processors of information. So they're sitting in

class and they're taking a test or doing some work. And all of a sudden they hear the other kids turning their papers over, tests over or turning them into the teacher. So what happens? They start to feel stupid because they're slow. And we, slowness with being stupid, and it's not. But they feel like that, so they begin to rush through their work, turn in their homework or their test, and now what happens is teacher season says, hey, you are being careless and sloppy with that work. That's not the real issue. The real issue was they felt stupid because they're slow processors, and so they just rushed through their work because they didn't want to be the last one done because there's stigma to that.

So two things that go on here. One is we need to learn how to teach our kids how to process information more quickly, which we can do. But the bigger point is this. Some kids are just slower processors, and that's the way they're made. But we only ever really talk to our kids about their negatives, right? And what I want us to do is to begin to understand how their brains work so that we can look at them and say, of course you're struggling in school. You should struggle in school some, and it doesn't mean that you're stupid. And here's where this

comes from. I meet a lot of kids in their early and mid and late twenties and even beyond, but you know what they almost always tell me? When I was a kid, I felt like I was stupid. I felt like I was an idiot. You know why? Because they struggled in school. And they're really bright kids, but they feel stupid. And I hate that because it destroys their confidence. And I'm not doing this to scare you because we don't do scare tactics. But I promise you, you get a kid who feels like he's dumb and stupid and starts to give up. Those are the kids that start getting into doing drugs and medicating themselves and hanging out with the bad kids because they give up because

nobody ever bothers to tell them the positives about themselves. So I want us as parents and as teachers to look at the kids and say, of course you're struggling in school a little bit. That's stupid. Your brain just works in a different way. Yes, you process information more slowly. That doesn't mean you're dumb. It means you're a deeper processor of information. You're a deep thinker. You're a good thinker. It usually means you're probably someone who writes really deep lyrics or really good music, someone who's very creative. It's someone who's good philosophically. You're good strategically. It makes you really good at arguing because you can pick out people's inconsistencies and use it against them. You have all these amazing brain processes. And in the real world, a company is going to pay you a lot of money because you know how to think

strategically and critically. But in school, here's what we want you to do. Memorize information and recall it quickly for a time test. Here's what I want you to know. After you get out of college, you will never, ever, ever for the rest of your life be asked to memorize information for a time test with someone walking around behind you with folded arms looking over your shoulder making you nervous. You don't have to do that in real life. In real life, in the real world, here's what you have to do. You have to learn how to access information. You find it. You look it up. And you're good at that because you're curious. When you're curious about a subject, you learn everything about it. And then you have to analyze the information

strategically. You are phenomenal at that. In fact, you're better than all the other kids in class at strategic thinking. It's just that we don't give grades for strategic thinking. So I want you to know that even though you're struggling a little bit in school, you're going to be great in real life. In fact, you have advantages. Here's something else you struggle with. Focus and attention sometimes is kind of difficult for you in the classroom. But you have a distinct advantage over all the other kids in my class. You have the ability to hyper-focus.

When you are motivated, when you are interested, you will do a deep dive into subjects and you will go deep. And that's part of the way that your brain is wired. You're not a surface area person. That, by the way, that's why you struggle with social skills and friendships in class. Look, the truth is you don't want to be friends with most of these kids that are in your class that are the same age because you find them boring, because they talk about stupid stuff. And you'd rather talk to adults. You'd rather talk, get sent to the principal's office and talk to him about geopolitical issues. And by the way, I've noticed you're really good with animals and with little kids because you have a really sensitive heart and a really good heart. And when you're around innocents of little kids and dogs and animals, that part of you comes out. And that's an awesome thing. And that means you have a very sensitive heart.

And that fits with your deep processing. That's why you're going to help a lot of people in life because you understand pain. You understand what it means to be different in life, and you get that, and you're going to use that great brain of yours one day, and you're going to help a lot of people. So I don't want you for one minute to think that you're less than the other kids. I don't want you to think you're dumb or you're stupid just because school is hard for you. The truth is you have advantages that they don't have. They're just not showing up all the time in the classroom. But I want you to know you have everything you need to be successful in life and you have a great brain. And I'm going to show you how to use that brain of yours in different ways because I'm glad you're made the way you are. Now, what would

happen to a generation of kids if they started hearing their parents and their teachers give them perspective and truth like that in an intense way, in an purposeful way? Look, it does a couple things. It builds confidence. It builds purpose. It also will eliminate excuses. Well, I just have ADHD or I'm just like made like this. Yeah, get it. But here are the advantages you have, right? Because you're intuitive. You see patterns in life. You can hyper-focus, right? You're better with adults. You're an independent worker. I love all those traits. Those are great traits and we can bring those to bear. They can help you actually do better in school, but they'll really help you do better in life. So I want you to begin talking to your kids like this.

Please share this with teachers. Please, please, please, please, please listen to the ADHD University program. If you don't have it yet, go to our website and get it. It is the best investment you will ever make. And along with it, we're giving, I believe there's a free program on there called Brain Boosters, which you can share with teachers. So they have all of our training there. If you want us to come and train your teachers and your parents, look, we can do three things on the same day at your school. My son will do a school assembly teaching kids how to control their emotions and impulses. I will train the teachers in all of these things how to help kids do well and have confidence in school.

And I'll train the parents at night how to control themselves, motivate their kids, stop yelling and reacting. All you have to do is email my son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell them the name of your school, your church, foster care, adoption agency, whatever it is. You can do this. It doesn't matter where it is. We travel everywhere. I believe we just booked a school in Germany. So we're going to go speak in Germany.

We've spoken in Prague. It doesn't matter where you are. Invite us. We'll show you how to do it. We would love to bring this insight to bear. If we can help you out, email us. Call us. 888 show you how to do it. We would love to bring this insight to bear. If we can help you out, email us. Call us, 888-506-1871. Thanks for caring so much to listen. Thanks for loving your kids.

Love you all and hope to see you soon. We are on the road in the midst of a three-week trip all across the country. So look up on Celebrate Calm. You can see a live event schedule. All of our events are free. Phenomenal. So come on out. Meet us in person.

It's awesome. And you'll see how awkward I am in person because I'm kind of like your kids sometimes. Anyway, sorry about that. Hey, I'll talk to you later. Thanks for listening. Bye-bye.