Calm Parenting Podcast - One Secret to Change Misbehavior & Build Confidence

Episode Date: October 30, 2022

One Secret to Change Misbehavior & Build Confidence So what DO you do when consequences don’t work, your child continues to beat himself up, and everyone is frustrated? Kirk gives you a very specific game plan to use the next two weeks to change behavior and build your child’s confidence. Early Access to our Black Friday Sale Begins NOW! Take advantage of the Lowest Prices of the Year at https://celebratecalm.com/black-friday/ Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you have a child who just struggles, right? And it's been a struggle sometimes since they came out of the womb and they're in trouble all the time. And inside, you're like, if you would just listen to me or just do simple things, it doesn't have to be that hard. You wouldn't be in trouble all the time. And I wouldn't have to take away things. We don't have to fight over this. And maybe your child gets in trouble at school or more likely your child is

great at school, but then comes home and unloads on you. It's just difficult at home. But this child, you've heard your child say things like, I'm dumb, I'm stupid, you don't like me, I don't like myself, I wish I hadn't been born, I'm a bad kid. I want to reverse that and so I want to give you a very, very powerful tool to do that and we're going to focus on this not for a week, but for the next two weeks and the next two years and the next 20 years, because it works. That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. Look, we

had all of these kids in our home. We had, over the course of a decade, about 1,500 kids like this in our home. Our own son was like this. And so, you know the hard part sometimes, just being honest, I know what works and I know what doesn't work, right? And it's all the things that I did wrong, and you're probably not doing all that well, that it doesn't work. And so it gets frustrating at times because I'm like, dads, no, it's not just tougher discipline. Yeah, you've got to discipline your kids. And I like being firm, even matter of fact, I like tough discipline. But look, there's one of two ways that you can change and deal with, let's call it misbehavior. The way that we commonly do it is a child misbehaves, does something wrong, and we react and we give a consequence. We've already established a hundred

times consequences don't change behavior because if they did, you wouldn't be listening to this podcast and you'd have a happy home because that's all we ever do is consequences, consequences, consequences. It doesn't change behavior because what we're really doing is punishing a child for messing up. But what if you switch that around and say, I know my child's going to struggle. I know because my child came out of the womb arguing with me, right? And picking on his siblings and doing all of these things. It's not like this is new. Now, for some of you, it may have just kicked in because they just started preschool or third grade where school gets harder.

They're in middle school or high school. Something kicked in. It doesn't matter. This process still works. So here's what I want to do. Instead of punishing a child for failure, what if I know my child struggles and I come along and give them tools to succeed

and I begin to create successes? That's what I want us to begin doing. And I'm going to give you ideas right now, some different ways to do that. But I want to hammer that home for two weeks. Let's create successes at school, at home, with mom, with dad, with everybody, with the grandparents, wherever they are, at Taekwondo, at their sporting event, whatever they're doing, we're going to begin creating successes. Side note, if you need help with this, reach out to Casey. It's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family. We'll give you ideas how to create successes. You know what would help even more? If you took advantage of the Black Friday sale, we're doing a huge sale on the Get Everything package. Why? Because then you get everything and you have all of these ideas. There's literally hundreds of ideas and I know this stuff works. And it's like, I want to tell people like, stop, stop like

messing around with other stuff and seeing if it works. This works. You know it works because you've tried it at home. And I want you to have the whole package of it. You get it on this really cool app. It's so easy. It's like download it right to your app. It's like right on your phone, on your computer. You share with your spouse, with teachers, with the grandparents, with everybody. I don't care. I want people to listen so we can help our kids be successful. So go on the website, celebrate.com. You'll see it's a big Black Friday sale. It just comes as an instant download and instantly you can begin making these changes. Enough of that. So here's what I want to begin doing. What are some missions and specific jobs that your child can do that he'll succeed when

he does it, right? And begin doing that. Hey, Jacob, you know what? I could really use your help doing X. Look, the way to build what? I could really use your help doing X. Look, the way to build confidence in life isn't just to go along saying like, oh, you're so good at that. It's giving kids things to do and adults things to do that they're naturally good at doing. Because when you're good at something, it naturally builds your confidence. And what happens to our kids is, think about it. We tell our kids, look, your entire childhood is based on having good behavior and good grades. Well, what happens to

the strong will kids like most of our kids? Well, I'm not really that awesome at behavior and I don't like school, so why would I even try? I'm 0 for 2 on everything everybody cares about and everybody always seems disappointed in me. No wonder they fight back and they get defiant or they shut down. So create success. What are your kids good at doing? Begin giving them those jobs. Let's spend the next two weeks giving your child opportunities to shine, right? Use their unique talents. Use their curiosity, right? If you have a younger child or an older one that likes lifting or moving heavy objects,

we'll create opportunities for them to help you or neighbors or relatives or teachers by digging stuff in the backyard, by lifting stuff, moving stuff, shoveling mulch. I don't care. Order a truckload of mulch. Put it in your backyard. If you have a sensory kid, that kid will probably love, shoveling mulch. I don't care. Order a truckload of mulch. Put it in your backyard. If you have a sensory kid, that kid will probably love just moving that mulch

every single day. It feels good. I know kids that like picking weeds. I don't. You know why they like it? Because it's sensory. They pull on something and then they get to make a pile of it. And there's that immediate gratification of that spot that was filled with weeds now looks nice and I've got this pile over here. It's why some of you like cleaning or you like painting because something was dirty, now it's clean. It makes you feel in order. But in this sense, we're also using a child's sensory needs and meeting those sensory needs. Brainstorm as many different ways as possible for your child to use what he's already good at. I want to issue a caution here. Stop yourself from going immediately

to, well, we'd allow him to do some things he's good at, but first he's got to do his chores, he's got to do his homework, and he has to stop doing X, Y, and Z. Don't go there. I understand completely. This child may be really difficult messing up. It's that chicken and egg thing we get all the time with schools, right? It's like you have a child and you want them to have a job running the AV stuff, computer stuff, or maybe being a crossing guard. But the school's like, well, you know, if his behavior improves, then we'll let him do it. But the truth is, if you gave that child a specific job at school, a responsibility, even a grown-up, more adult-type job, being the crossing guard, running the computer system, hacking into it, giving himself all A's, whatever it is, right? If you gave him that job, I promise you, when he feels good about himself and he has responsibility and something that he loves,

he will be more motivated to improve in school, right? You give him the job. So brainstorm that. Then affirm your child for being a hard worker, for doing a good job. Don't forget to affirm them for the next two weeks. Find out what they're already doing well, and focus relentlessly on that instead of just picking out, well, good job, but. Okay. So is there, here's another one. Get neighbors. Your kids love helping other people, just not you. It's just the way that it is. Stop. Do you mind if I'm a little bit angry? And it's not angry. I just wanted you to get this through of like, stop fighting everything, right? There's a deep level of acceptance that you're going to need to have with this child, right? Because I work with parents all the time. Well,

I'm changing. Why isn't my child changing? I'm like, that's not the point. You change because it's the right thing to do for you to change, right? But stop doing it in order to manipulate your child into changing. Stop trying to think that some magic thing's going to come along and fix or change who your child is. This is who your child is. It's who he's going to be when he's 38, right? I'm 56. I am still like this. I still, all of my friends are older than me. I'm not a joiner. I like doing things my own way. That's why I own CelebrateCalm.com

because I don't want to work for somebody else anymore. I like, you know what? I like who I am. I like how this works. I want your kids to like who they are and I want you to normalize it because we make it, even when I say like, if you have a strong willed child, we shouldn't do that really. I should be doing a podcast. If you have a child who's like a people pleaser and never breaks the rules, then your child is going to have some real

issues in life because they're going to grow up and be resentful like a lot of you. And if they're a girl, they're going to grow up and marry a controlling man. You know that's true because most of you did that, right? So let's stop trying to fix these kids and realize this is who your kid is. So stop fighting it and work with it. Your kids are awesome for other people. So why not use that to your advantage? Is there a job that a neighbor could give your child to do, helping them in some way? And I'm not being funny with this. I'm deadly serious. Even if you have to pay the neighbor to give your child that job. Hey, listen, can you get my son to come over and rake the leaves, walk your dog? I'll give you 10 bucks if you give it to him to do it a few times a week, right? There's nothing

wrong with that. I want lots of positive interactions. I want a lot of constructive things your child is doing. I don't really care right now about whether he did his homework or not or whether he did his chore. I want a lot of positive, constructive things happening around the home and outside the home. Because once you get in that mode and your child gets in that mode of like, wow, I'm really good at that. And other adults are coming along and saying, man, you're really responsible. You did that better than anybody else. Man, I could really use your help. That builds confidence. That changes behavior, changes how you feel about yourself. So create successes at home. Dads, give your child a specific mission your child can complete and then affirm them. Make it fun, make it a game. Hey, bet you can't do X, right? Look, let's try to turn some common situations

into successes. This is really important. I was working with a family the other day, phone consultation. They were like, yeah, but you know, my son just rides his bike and he rides it too fast. I was like, what boy doesn't ride his bike too fast? Look, their job is to push the limits, right? It would be weird. I love this formula. It would be weird if a nine-year-old boy just always rode his bike at the perfect speed, completely safe all the time. That would be weird. It's normal. If you get a few kids together, boys or girls, doesn't matter, and they're riding their bikes, of course they're going to crash into each other. Why wouldn't you do that? We did that as kids.

We watered down our asphalt driveway because when you put water on it, it makes it really slick. We rode down the street and then we turned fast, really fast into our driveway and tried to skid into each other and knock each other down. Why? Because we were idiot kids and that's what we did. And it was fun. And you know why our parents didn't yell at us? Because they didn't see it because they were inside drinking. I'm kidding. A lot of years were, and I'm sorry for that because you had to grow up and be ultra responsible for everything. And that's a generational pattern that you need to break. Side note. So, but we did that because our parents weren't micromanaging everything,

right? I remember all the times coming in bloody. Parents didn't freak out. It's like, what'd you do that was so stupid today? And we were like, oh, we were just boys. So, cause my mom had four boys. So, right? Just saying to your child, you know what? Don't ride your bike fast. It's like telling me not to eat the brownie that's sitting right in front of me. So can we create an acceptable challenge to give your child with his bike that lets them push the boundaries, as kids are supposed to do, but still remain within an acceptable range, right? Let me repeat that. Instead of just saying no all the time and having unrealistic expectations, why don't we let our kids push the boundaries a little bit,

make it a challenge? Not riding their bike off the roof. That's too far. They're going to die. But can't we create some successes for them so you can say, you know what? It's really cool how you did that. You know what? You did it in a way where you'd end up with a broken arm. Because sometimes you...

Look, this is a little side note too. Working with a family with a boy in eighth grade, he's getting notes. He got a note sent home of your son is talking in class. And I was like, yeah, I know. I get it. Like that's, it's disrespectful to the teacher. I'm not dismissing that at all. But for an eighth grade boy, like as the mom or the dad, I'm going to be like, hey, thanks. Thanks for not yelling. Thanks for not throwing things in class. Thanks for not cursing in class.

Thanks for not getting up and doing all kinds of really disruptive things. Thanks for not doing really inappropriate things in class. Thanks for not swear, right? There's all kinds of things that that kid could be doing. He's an eighth grade boy in a class where he's bored. I don't, look, I don't expect him to just sit there perfectly still. And I would love for him to advocate for himself,

say, hey, Mrs. Teacher, Mr. Teacher, look, I'm just bored. Could you give me some more difficult work, right? That's something I wanna teach him how to do. But I'm not that freaked out that occasionally he talks in class. I want him to apologize to the teacher. I do. But I'm also not going to get freaked out about that.

And I want to affirm what he's doing well. There are a lot of these things that I'm saying that sound like it's like, oh, no, duh. But we don't do them. And I want you to take it to heart. I want you today and go thank your child or affirm your child for not doing something really awful that he could be doing. Right? He could be doing a lot of things. So I know your child is tough and they're going to get in trouble at times. But I don't want to create those failures with false expectations because we're too rigid. Or let me say it this way, because you're too rigid, because some of you are. I'm not being mean.

There's no blame. There's no guilt. But you need to work on yourself because you're way too rigid. And you've got these false expectations of yourself, of your kids, of your family. And so you're almost creating those failures and your child can never win because it's like no matter what they do, you never please dad or mom or maybe you're too anxious as parents.

Work on your control issues. Work on your own anxiety or your child will feel like he or she can never live up. And then let's affirm and give positive intensity to good choices. Do it in a purposeful way for the next two weeks. Catch your child making good choices. Give them fist bumps. Hey, well done, son. Shows me you're growing up. And then walk away, right? And I really want dads to say this a lot. Hey, son, daughter, I could really use your help with X. Could you come help me? And then afterwards, hey, awesome job with that. You know what? You're getting stronger. I like when you help me.

Lots of high fives, smiles, encouragement. That will help, I promise. And next time your child pushes one of your buttons, do the opposite of what you normally do. Don't react. Just say something like, oh, I just forgot. Hey, could you go and do X? Because I could really use your help. Turn it around. Create the success. I'll give you a weird idea I've just given some parents because they talked about their son who's kind of sensory. Would your child do any kind of landscaping work outside? Because if we can get your child doing some lifting, some digging, some shoveling, even for neighbors, that would be so good for them. It meets all these sensory needs and it makes them feel confident. Next two weeks, give your child purposeful missions,

jobs they can do well, affirm, notice, encourage, create the successes, keep the brain engaged. And I promise you, you'll start to turn a corner here. If we can help you, reach out to us, Casey at CelebrateCalm.com do take advantage of the Black Friday sale the instant downloads come to you right away and you'll begin you'll know exactly what to do

we've been here before I want to save you power struggles so you're not banging your head against the wall all the time okay love you all

you're good parents you listen to a parenting podcast that makes you a good conscientious parent do try to get your spouse to listen and do share with other people

talk to you later bye bye