Calm Parenting Podcast - One Way to Change Your Child's Response Overnight

Episode Date: January 8, 2023

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So did you know that simply changing your tone of voice can have a dramatic impact on how your strong-willed child responds to you? Of course it does. Otherwise, I would not be devoting an entire episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast to this topic. This is really important and it's something that I want you to work on this week and begin to master because it's really important. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need some help, reach out to our strong-willed child, Casey. C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your child that you're struggling with or many of them. Many of you have many strong-willed kids. Good luck to you.

Tell us about your kids and your family dynamics. We will get together. We talk and then we reply back personally and usually pretty quickly with some very helpful tips because that's what our mission is. So I want to go through various different tones of voice, different ways that we talk to our kids and point out some of the ways that don't work and then show you the ways that do work. So, I always begin when we do live events one of the first things we do is talk about changing body posture, changing tone of voice because it's very, very central to all of this with a strong-willed child. So, one of the things that I really don't like is this really sweet tone, right? Like, sweetie,

baby, you need to go pick up your toy. Sweetie, baby, mommy needs your help. Now, here's why I don't like it because here's what the strong-willed child hears. Sweetie, baby, you scare us because every time we ask you to do something, you have a big meltdown. So, we think if we use this really sweet tone and we talk kind of in a question mark that you'll actually do what we asked you to do. and we talk kind of in a question mark that you'll actually do what we asked you to do. And the strong-willed child will hear that tone of voice as condescending and weak. I can't explain it to you.

Don't even need to explain it to you. It's just the way that it is. They hear that as weakness and a lack of confidence and they will take advantage of you on that. By the way, I would also recommend, look, I prefer that you not refer to yourself as mommy or daddy when talking to a strong-willed child, right? Because look, you've already said, I've got a four-year-old who's going on 24 or a 10-year-old going on 35, right? And so I don't refer to myself as mommy or daddy because it sounds weak and condescending to them, right? I hope that makes sense.

Here are a few other things we do, right? Sometimes we speak so softly to our kids, right? Because we're afraid that we're gonna crush their spirit. Look, here's what's gonna crush your child's spirit. If you don't understand what they're really about, if you don't understand their brain, their heart, and their motivations, and you assign motives, wrong motives to their motivations and misunderstand them, that'll crush their spirit.

Saying things like, how are you ever going to be successful in life? You can't even pick up your toys. You're a loser. That'll crush child's spirit. But talking to them in a very firm, even a matter of fact manner isn't going to crush their spirit, right? And sometimes we talk too softly and here's a big danger of that. The message that sometimes your kids hear is this, you're not taking me seriously, right? I've done this example before. Little kid makes a paper airplane, flies it.

It doesn't fly well. Every good parent, oh, honey, that was a really good airplane. And the child's response is, no, it wasn't. Duh. If it was a good airplane, it would have flown right, right? Sometimes when we talk like this, it's because we can't deal with them being upset, and we're trying to try to mollify them, make it okay, and we actually make it worse. And in that case, what I'd want to say to the child is, of course you're frustrated. If I were you, I'd be frustrated too. You spent a lot of time on

that airplane, didn't fly right. Man, I'd be frustrated too. You spent a lot of time on that airplane, didn't fly right. Man, I'd be frustrated too. So what are we going to do about it, right? There's some intensity there and you're leading to problem solving, right? So, and by the way, I never say, well, of course you should be frustrated. So therefore, hit your sister or punch a hole in the wall. Not at all. I'm just normalizing the fact that some things are frustrating. And you know what's frustrating? When people don't take your frustration seriously. And that's why the intensity sometimes

is really important with these kids. Okay, no pleading. This is what it sounds like. Guys, all I'm asking for is a little bit of help around here. That is a sure sign that your kids are going to take advantage of you. And this one, you know what? After all I do for you, I cook for you, I clean for you. Look, that is your issue. No blame and no guilt in any of this. But that's your issue, okay? Because you're doing too much for your issue. No blame and no guilt in any of this, but that's your issue, okay? Because you're doing too much for your kids. And we've dealt with that before. Your kids are never going

to wake up and say, mom, dad, listen, talk to my brother and sister. We've determined you do way too much for us. It's probably a generational thing that you got from your mom or your dad who were overly responsible. And you know what it is? It's a manipulative tool. Because I've done so much for you, you owe me to listen and behave. And I want you to break that generational pattern and stop pleading with your kids. That's not confident either. No lecturing. I could do four hours on no lecturing. Lecturing is not teaching. Most of our lecturing is this. It's dumping our anxiety about our kids' future on them now, right? Like I'm not seeing what I'm supposed to be seeing. You're not living up to your potential. And what are you going to be doing in the future? Who's

going to hire you? Who's going to marry you? And I have all this anxiety. So I begin to lecture and lecture and lecture. And your kids always resist that, right? And what I'd rather you do is control your anxiety instead, demonstrate some confidence and say, you know what? I've got the wisdom and perspective to know that one day when you put it all together, you have every quality necessary inside of you already to be successful in life. And I can't wait to see it. See, your anxiety causes you, and I don't want to do this whole thing on anxiety, but it's like, I see everything negative. And then I project into the future. How's my child ever going to be successful? Right? And then that just dumps all over the child. And basically what you're saying is, I don't think you're going to be successful at all.

Instead, I want to have the wisdom and perspective to know, of course, you're seven, you're 12, you're 14, but you're going to change and already see all these great qualities inside of you. And one day you're going to put that together. You're going to be motivated. You've got a great future ahead of you. Wouldn't you rather start saying that to your child so they begin to believe it? So no explaining, no convincing. Here's a big one that we don't cover enough and is this. Stop trying to convince your kids of things as if they're going to say, mom, dad, I didn't want to do what you asked me to do. But after you lectured me and convinced me and used such logic and reason, right? Like now 15 minutes later, a light bulb went off and I want to do what you asked me to do.

It's weakness. You're trying to convince them thinking that somehow, look, most of the things we're talking about here are emotional. And yet we're trying to get an irrational emotional child who's struggling with anxiety, doesn't feel good about himself, all these things, we're trying to use rational means to solve an emotional issue that is by nature irrational and that doesn't work. So look, when sweetie baby and the really kind approach doesn't work, what do we do? You know what? You better get your little butt up in bed right now, right?

That's when we go through the yelling, losing control, threatening, and it won't work. And here's why. Because when you walk into a room and you are visibly irritated and your voice begins to... This one. Jacob, if you... See, as soon as your voice goes there, you've lost control, and there's no blame and guilt. This is frustrating. It is hard raising these kids, because they won't even do simple things all the time that you want them to do, and you're like, oh, what do I need to do to get through that thick skull of yours? All I'm asking you to do is one simple thing, and you can't even do it. I get that, right?

But when you start to... That, that little tone says that you're frustrated. And here's what your kids know. When you start to get visibly irritated, they will push your buttons until you finally lose it. Because once you lose control of your emotions, who's in control? Child's in complete control. And that's not their issue.

That's yours because you're a grown adult who can't control yourself. And again, I was too. There's no blame or guilt. I'm just asking you to take it seriously and not make excuses for it and really dig into it. If you want to, it's a new year. Go through in the Calm Parenting Package, 30 Days to Calm. It is the process I used to go from being out of control all the time, fear and intimidation approach, my way or the highway approach, dad, to being calm. And the whole idea, look, my goal isn't really to be calm. Calm is a tool. I use calm in order to problem solve and see situations more clearly and to deescalate, right? Calm is not the end goal.

Calm is a means to deescalate things so they don't keep getting worse and to model for my kids self-control. It doesn't work well in life when you're like, you need to learn how to control yourself. Really? Apparently you haven't mastered that either, dad. Right? That's what my son was saying to me. Right? You need to calm down.

Right? And he's like, really? Really, dad? You're screaming at me to calm down. Maybe you should learn that first. And he was right in that. Right? Because I did need to learn that.

And so, look, the fear and intimidation approach with a strong willed child will not work because they have a fight or flight response. And many of your kids, they'll either shut down and just not do anything. I'm going to take away everything you own. I don't care. Take it here. I'll give it to you. I'll hand it in. I'll put it in a box. They'll call your bluff. Or they will just fight. They'll be like, bring it, bring it. What you got? What you got? And then you will blow your lid, men, right? A lot of times we do. And then we justify and excuse it. Well, if they would just listen to me, you can't do that, right? That's that thing. Well, if my kids would just, I would be better. Well, now you've just placed your emotions, your happiness, and all you just surrendered control or agency over yourself

to someone else and how they behave. You know what's even worse? They're a kid and we give them all that power. I can't be happy unless they behave exactly the way I say they can, right? That's the whole thing. Me as a young dad, I need you to behave because if you don't do exactly what I tell you to do, I'm not sure I can behave and you don't want to see me angry. See, that was manipulative too, right? That's the other side of like, you know what? I do all of this for you. You owe me. And the other side of that is I can't control myself and I'm going to get angry. So if you don't want me angry, you better listen to me right now, young man. Well, that's not teaching a child and that's not modeling good things.

So what do we do? Right in between sweetie baby screaming and yelling is this. It's me in control of myself, right? And that's why I did begin to change my body posture at the beginning. I would sit down. Why? Because watch what I'm communicating. I'm in complete control of myself. My yes is my yes. My no is my no. I'm not going to repeat myself 14 times. I'm not going to beg. I'm not going to plead. I'm not going to use guilt trips on you, right? Your mood does not determine my mood.

Your behavior does not determine my behavior. You're allowed to do that. All I want you to know is I can't always control what you do, but I can always tell you what I'm going to do. Those are such great principles that you can put into place, right? I am an immovable rock. I'm a dispassionate giver of wisdom in my home. I'm not taking this personally. Please stop taking everything personally. Dads, men, talking to you straight, men to men, man to man. Every man on the planet thinks that everything everyone does, everything their child does is disrespect to them. He's like an NFL wide receiver. I was disrespected. No, you've just got a kid, right? Who doesn't always want to do what you want them to do, but it doesn't mean everything's disrespect. And some of it is coming

at you because you have been too hard on your kids and you only picked out the negatives and you thought that your job was just discipline, discipline, point out all the negative things and punish, but you don't have a great relationship with your child, well, that produces anger and frustration and that'll get you some defiance too. So look, the whole point of this is none of this is dependent on what your child does. This is all within your control. See, if parenting is about only changing a child's behavior, good luck, because I can't always

change the behavior of another human being. The one thing and only thing I have control of in this life is how I control myself, how I behave, my tone of voice. And what I want you to know is when you begin to master this tone of voice, your kids will respond better to it because here's what it says. You can trust me. I can handle you at your worst, right? Look, I know this about men. Every man on the planet, moms too, every man respects other men who stay cool and calm under pressure, right? In a war, we want the platoon, right? What if your platoon captain's like, oh my gosh, shooting at us. What are we going to do? Well, nobody's going to follow that guy into battle. But when we come home from work or out of our office at home and there are Legos on the floor and there's disorder and everything's not

picked up and Johnny didn't do exactly what he was told by his mother and we get all upset, what are we doing? We're flailing. We're not leading anymore. We're reacting to the child. And the good platoon captain leads his men and women into battle. And he stays cool and calm under pressure. Quarterback, a good quarterback doesn't freak out in the fourth quarter. You know what? We're down by two touchdowns. You don't know what route to run. You keep fumbling the ball. Let's go score. Nobody's following that guy. They're going to follow the guy who walks into the huddle, takes a knee. Interesting body posture, isn't it? Highest paid guy on the team takes a knee and says, guys, here's the deal. Down by two touchdowns. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to march down the field, execute our play, score, get the ball back. We're going to

score again. And they break huddle. And that team gets behind that quarterback. Why? Because he's unflappable. And they know that he's cool and calm under pressure and they can trust him. That's who I want you to be for your kids. They will behave better when you do that. So two quick examples. Okay. So I like discipline. I like good firm discipline. Yelling and screaming isn't discipline. Begging and pleading isn't discipline. I use an even matter-of-fact tone. I'm the dispassionate giver of wisdom. I'm not taking it personally. So let's say my seven-year-old is jumping on a sofa. Here's traditional. Hey, Jimmy, you know what? We don't jump on the sofa because, you what there are springs on the sofa and if you keep

jumping on the sofa it's going to break and we're going to have like he cares what's he oh mom dad I didn't realize that it was going to cost you extra money I'll stop right there's no need for that and when we go in that's all explaining so here's what I would do I would go in and say hey jumping on a sofa not happening in my home, but I love your energy. Here's where I could use it right now. If you want to come help me in the kitchen, I could use some help doing X. You know what? I need some help. Some of your kids love shoveling mulch and doing physical stuff. So I give them a physical job to do with that energy. Here's the principle, by the way. Whenever you say no to something inappropriate, you must say yes to something appropriate.

You have to give these kids missions and you gotta feed that brain so it has a focus. Just saying no, stop it doesn't work. So when I come in the room and I say, hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home. Here's why I like it. Short and sweet, very few words. The more words you use, the less valuable they become. The more you start to get

worked up and explain and talk, what happens? Your kids find openings so that they can argue with you and you always lose because they're little attorneys, cops, and judges all rolled into one. Right? And so when I walk, hey, jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home. Here's why I like it. Short and sweet. It's also not personal. All I was saying is jumping on a... Not happening in my home. It's a statement of fact. See, I'm not making... You know what? You never listen. If you don't learn how to listen, just wait till your father gets... None of that. I'm just saying simply what you're doing, uh-uh, not working in my home, but I love your energy. Do I really love their energy? No. Your kids are exhausting, but it's a reality that they have an enormous amount, not really physical energy that drives it. It is

mental energy, which is partly why your kids struggle to sleep. It's partly why they push buttons. They have so much mental energy inside their heads, right? And that usually drives the physical energy. And people don't understand that, but it's the mental energy that's really, really important. And so just saying no, stop. All right, what am I going to do with all of this, right? Because I'm going to just sit there docile and just sit there looking at you. So when I hey not happening love your energy oh here's a mission bet you can't do this oh you're really good at X I bet you can't help me with that could you write does that make sense same with a teenager it's the same tone of voice with your teenager who's

starting to give you some attitude and And if you respond back with, young lady, you can't use that tone with me. And she's going to be like, what tone? That tone. Now you both have the tone, right? Instead, when I respond to her, right, I have many different options, but like, hey, when Casey would do the tone, I'd say, hey, Case, listen, you can use that tone with me, but the last 43 times you did, it didn't really work out well with you, for you. But here's what I know. Usually when you get that little tone in your voice, it's because you're frustrated, you're anxious, or you're hungry. So look, I've got to go get started on laundry.

I'm going to go do dinner. Or I'm going to grab do dinner. Or I'm going to grab some chips. You want to grab some salsa. I'll help you with whatever you're frustrated with. Right? So even matter of fact, tone, I don't take it personally. Stop with some of this stuff, right? Like I can't believe that my child is talking to me like this. They're a child. They're a teenager. You're a grown adult. Stop taking it so personally. I know but it's really disrespectful Of course it is sometimes and a lot of times it's a sign of frustration But your kids don't have the maturity to yet to say mom dad listen something's happening in school

I don't feel smart as the other kids or my siblings Sometimes I struggle with kids my own age and I don't play games well And if I lose it makes me feel like a loser. So I'm really frustrated. And unfortunately, I start to bring that tone out and take that out on you. And so I apologize. They don't know to say that. So it comes out as you're stupid. I hate you. And we react out of that. And then we make it worse instead of saying even matter of fact and saying this is telling me something else is going on. I don't have to give in to them. I can say no all day. Mom, you have to give me X. Yeah, not going to happen right now. No, no. But why won't you do

it? You're mean. You're the worst mother in the world. Look, when kids say that, it's brilliant because they know that a mom, her highest desire is to be a good mom. So what do they go right after? I hate you. You're a terrible mom. Of course they're going to do that. Don't react to it. You don't have to give in. No, I'm okay with your disappointment. Look, because I love you, I will say no to you, but I don't have to explain why. I don't have to convince you that I'm right. I'm just okay with your disappointment because that's a fact of life. Mick Jagger was actually right 75 years ago when he began singing. You can't always get what you want. And that's just a fact of life.

And so I'm not going to shame you for that. Just let you know, like, no, that's not happening. Does that make sense? This week, I want you to practice this daily. Part of the reason I want people to listen to the Calm Parenting Package and all of our programs is because for hour after hour in many, many, many, many, many dozens of situations, I model this tone of voice with actual scripts to use in different situations. And you get it on an app right on your phone.

So you can be listening to this while you're taking the kids to school, while you're going to work. You can just have it on the background while you're cooking dinner. And you begin to internalize and hear this so that in the moment you remember this, right? Because just reading something, a book, it's like you forget it like three hours or three days after you read it because you don't continue to like re-read the book a hundred times. But I want you to re-listen to our programs and there's 30 hours of them so or three days after you read it, because you don't continue to reread the book 100 times, but I want you to re-listen to our programs, and there's 30 hours of them, so you don't really have to read,

just keep listening to new ones, and you will hear that tone of voice, and I promise you, begin to master this tone of voice, even matter of fact, it'll sound very cold to some of you, but it's not, what it is is settling, it settles your kids, I'm in control of myself. I'm not freaking out. You're a kid. I'm an adult. I can handle this. Does that make sense? I hope so. Thanks for listening to the Calm Parenting Podcast. Thanks for sharing it

with others. If we can help you, reach out to Casey, CelebrateCalm.com. It's easy. Go to our website. You can find the Calm Parenting Pack package on sale. And if you need help financially, reach out to Casey. We're pretty easy to work with because we're a family. We're not like some conglomerate company. People always email like, wow, you're really fast. And I'm like, yeah, because we're a family. This is what we do all day and much of the night. So love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.