Calm Parenting Podcast - Parents with Big Emotions: 5 Responses When Kids Push Your Buttons.

Episode Date: November 12, 2023

Parents with Big Emotions: 5 Responses When Kids Push Your Buttons. We’ve been talking about how to help kids with big emotions. But what about when WE as parents have big emotions, react, and yell? Especially when kids push your buttons? Kirk shows you how to stop reacting and take back control of these situations. Get practical tools with our BIG SALE right now at https://celebratecalm.com. Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com and use code 50calm for 50% off plus FREE shipping. A Revolutionary Baby Monitor is Born. Visit www.MasimoStork.com to learn more. Get $15 off the perfect Christmas gift, a Skylight Digital Picture Frame, at https://www.skylightframe.com/CALM Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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spiraling out of control and we escalate. So how do you handle your own big emotions and stop reacting? That is what we are going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at celebratecalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecalm.com. Tell us what you're struggling with. We'll respond to you, help you out. And we have a big sale. We've got this big emotion series and we've got a big sale. Take advantage of our resources because you can break these patterns now once and for all. So this continues our series in which we've been talking about kids with big emotions, but I wanted to take a break and talk about

parents with big, right? Talk about parents with big emotions. So next week, I'm going to give you practical tools to handle holidays with big emotions. So you're prepared for Thanksgiving with your loving, judgmental family. And then to kick off December, I have a two-part series that I'm working on now. And it's, again, going to be on like parents and your triggers. And we're going to focus on messy homes and things that really irritate you. It's going to be awesome. But for right now, let's dig into this. So I know that

your kids can be extremely challenging. And I know they're experts at questioning you, arguing with you. They're like little cops, judges, and attorneys all wrapped into one. They're great at negotiating, wearing you down, and pushing your buttons. And I get that. It's not right that they do that. But here's the thing. You and I are adults. You have to stop reacting to your kids because think about this. When you react, you give your kids power over you, over your actions, over your emotions. They are now controlling you. And when you are not in control of yourself, they are. And that makes kids feel very unstable and actually unsafe. So let's think about this. It's that dreaded late afternoon, evening time of day, right? Mom walks into the house after

working all day at the office or at home, and she tells her daughter, hey, I'm going to start on dinner. Could you please set the table for me? Daughter responds by rolling her eyes at her mom. Now mom's anxiety rises because she knows that disrespectful daughters don't get good husbands or good jobs, which means she's going to be living at home until she's 28, and that thought horrifies her. So mom reacts with a classic, young lady, you will not roll your eyes at me. I never rolled my eyes at my mother, and you will not do that to me. To which the daughter responds, whatever. And now mom's had it. She's tired. She's frustrated. So she unloads on this alien child in front of her who used to be her precious little daughter.

Actually, for some of you, this starts like at age three. But so mom's like, you know what? I cook for you. I clean for you. I do your homework half the time for you. And don't tell dad. The least you could do is set the table. Is that too much to ask? Is it? Now, meanwhile, dad has just gotten home and he's upstairs changing his clothes. And he hears the most horrifying sound in the world to a man, which is his wife upset.

Because we barely know what to do with you when everything is going well. But when you're upset, we are clueless. And it causes us a lot of anxiety. So dad marches downstairs ready to fix the situation. Moms, you know what that means. He's just going to make it worse, right? So he comes into the kitchen, looks at his wife and says to himself, not going there. So he goes after the daughter who caused his wife to be upset. And as soon as the dad goes after the daughter, what does mom do? You got it. She steps in, she does a complete 180 and she kind of gets on the husband who was just trying to stand up for her. And mom ends up defending the daughter she just wanted to strangle, right? Now,

who just controlled this entire situation? You got it, the daughter did. And whether she's four or 14, all she did was move two eye muscles. That's it. Just rolling her eyes set off a chain reaction with her mother, and ultimately between both parents arguing about how to handle her. And you'll say, but that daughter was defiant and disrespectful. Yeah, sure she was. But that doesn't excuse us as moms and dads for reacting and feeding into it. Look, when Casey was younger, this is the same kid you're going to email. I'd say, hey, Casey, you need to do X. You need to pick up your toys. You need to pick up,

you need to get your homework done. And here was his response. Wow. He was too lazy to say whatever, so he just said three letters. Wow. He knew, he knew that would push my buttons because when I was a kid, you couldn't even think, wow, right? What would our parents have done to us if we did that? I grew up with a career military father. And Casey knew all that. So yes, your kids push your buttons. But the real issue is that your kids can only push your buttons because you have so many to push. No blame, no guilt at all. But if you didn't have all those buttons, they couldn't push them, could they? So you're going to have to do the hard work necessary to deal with your own anxiety, your own control issues, so that you can

stop reacting. So what do you do next time the kids try to push your buttons? So we're going to go through several examples here. Very practical terms. Number one, I don't have any other way to say this. Never, ever react. You must resolve within yourself right now that if you want to change your child's behavior, you must first control yourself. And that means you draw a line in the sand and you refuse to react because child's behavior, you must first control yourself. And that means you draw

a line in the sand and you refuse to react because when you react, you are allowing your child to have power over you. A child is now controlling you and your actions. Let that sink in. A child is controlling you. You're now on the defensive. You're not leading anymore. You're following. And I know this makes you angry because your kids shouldn't be pushing your buttons because this has happened, right? But because you're the authority figure, this isn't right. But this has happened since the beginning of time. And I'm not interested in excuses because nothing changes the simple fact that you do have a choice in this matter. You have the power to choose your response no matter

what your child does or says. By the way, don't we say that to our kids all the time with their siblings and with kids at school, their peers? You know, you have a choice. You need to think about your choice, but you don't like it when I say it to you. But you do have that power because if you react, you have become your child's puppet. The truth is your kids push your buttons because it works. So don't give them that power. Here's a simple affirmation I'd say over and over again. We go through this in the 30 Days to Calm program, which teaches you how to do all of this. It's how I basically went from being the freak dad who was always yelling and screaming out of control to the calm guy.

I walked through that. So go through that program. I just say, I refuse to give any person or situation power over my mood, my attitude, or my behavior. I refuse. I'm not giving any person, any situation power over my mood, my attitude, or my behavior. And I get indignant about it. Instead of getting angry at your child, be indignant that you've surrendered power over yourself to others and stopped doing it. Instead of getting angry at your child, be indignant that you've surrendered power over yourself to others and stop doing it. Now, don't beat yourself up for it. We all do these things. I don't do blame and guilt. I'm not going to beat myself up. It's just the honest answer of like, yeah, I'm a puppet sometimes. Man, I way overreact. If you're a man, I denied this for a long time.

I don't have anger issues. I don't react. Sure you don't. You do. So just own it. I overreact sometimes. I react and I'm going to stop doing that. And I've got one more suggestion. Some of you won't like this, but I started doing this.

Smile. Force yourself to smile. Next time your child does this in recognition of the pattern that's developed over your time, your child pushes and you react. So smile, realizing that this little guy or girl or this towering teenager has owned you for years and your child's only three or six or eight or 12 or 15 or 22. And the smile is a solemn promise you're making to yourself that those days are over, that you're the grown-up, that you refuse to be drawn into power struggles. That's powerful. Number two, be grateful. I'm not just saying this as like some kind of like, be grateful that your kids,

no, I really mean this. Instead of lamenting that your kids push your buttons so much and creating so much drama and complaining all the time, because that's what kids are supposed to do anyway. Become introspective and ask yourself, why does this bother me so much? See, your child may be doing you a favor by identifying a hot button that you need to address inside yourself so it doesn't control you the rest of your life. And if you really want to freak your kids out and model maturity and humility, you can say something like this. Now, this is long-winded, but I wanted to get the points across. Hey, Dylan, I know I've

gotten on you a lot about pushing my buttons, but I've done some reflecting and I want to thank you because you've exposed immaturity inside of me that I didn't even realize existed. Some strongholds of bad thinking that have kept me trapped for a long time. And I now realize this bothers me so much because I've believed incorrectly that it's my job to control your behavior. That my job as a parent is dependent on how you behave. And that's just not true. See, when you procrastinate, it really bugs me. But that's because my parents had unrealistic expectations of us as kids. And I'm sorry I've passed that along to you.

So I'm going to work on breaking that negative thinking inside of me that causes me to react so strongly to you. So thank you. You've become a tool in my own transformation, and I'm grateful for that. Now, you don't have to say it all like that, but I wanted to say that because that's truth. And truth is very powerful because you're not making excuses. Now you're starting to model and that will begin to rock your child's world when you stop reacting and you're going to be modeling for them how to actually control yourself. So instead of being angry at your kids, be thankful that they're exposing your immaturity

and destructive thinking because that's what it is, right? There's no blame in that. The older I get, the more I realize, man, I'm just immature in these areas. And then you get some mastery over one. And then another one comes up. Number three. And I do like this one. Do the opposite of what you normally do.

Why? Because what you're doing now isn't working and it's having the opposite response that you want, right? It's kind of like anxiety. The more you tell your kids, God, you got to go, got to move, got to move. They go more slowly. The more you lecture your kids, what happens? The more they do the opposite and they shut down. So here's a little trick I learned to implement. The next time your child pushes your buttons, do the opposite of what you'd normally do. If lecturing and yelling aren't working, why not do the opposite and see what happens? So one of the things I start doing is this.

Instead of reacting, I begin to sit. I begin to choose to respond thoughtfully because sitting slows down my inner world. It changes the dynamic. I'm not stomping around the house It changes the dynamic. I'm not stomping around the house upset all the time. I sit. Instead of lecturing, I begin to ask questions and become curious, which is a way of leading your child to the right answer that they already know inside. Instead of constantly correcting your child, pointing out everything they've done wrong, which is not motivating, I affirm a positive choice my child has made recently, or I just point out an attribute

that I really like about them. So instead of unleashing a litany of complaints, turn it around and affirm things your child already does well. Hey Jackson, I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you taking out the trash the other night without being told. Shows me you're growing up. And then you walk away. Instead of complaining that my child is obstinate and pig-headed, I acknowledge their persistence. Hey, you know what I admire about you, Sarah? When you really care about and want something, nothing gets in your way of accomplishing your goal or getting what you want. It's called persistence. And did you know, according to a Harvard study, the number one quality necessary for success in life is persistence, and you have it.

It's pretty awesome. And then I walk away. I'll stand there waiting for them to say, thank you for affirming me, mother and father. It's just awkward. So I walk away. I'm planting lots of seeds. Number four, you can address it head on. I like to be direct with kids and give them insight.

I like the even matter of fact tone that says, I'm the grownup, I'm going to give you some wisdom, but I'm not going to go on and on. I'm not going to try to convince you. I'm not going to talk to you too sweetly. I'm talking to them like an adult. Now, the short version of this that I use with Casey is, hey, that's not going to work here.

That's not going to work. That was the short version. The longer version, and you don't have to do these long ones, but I make them, this script a little bit longer so I can fit in kind of the main ideas and then you can take parts of that, right? Hey, Casey, I know exactly what you're doing right now. You're intentionally trying to push my buttons. Look, by the way, for those of you who don't think that your kids do this or are capable of them, it's simply not true. They are. I asked Casey this recently. Did you know what you were doing? Because I used to see Casey, you'd have a glimmer in your eyes when you walked into the living room. And he was like, I knew exactly what I was doing

because I knew exactly how mom reacted and how you would react. And now what he knows is he was looking for a lot of intensity from me. And I'll deal with that in a minute. But I'd say, I know what you're doing. You're intentionally trying to push my buttons. Good for you. One of your amazing qualities, Casey, is that you have insight into people, and you do know what irritates them, but you also know what motivates them. So one day you're going to use that quality to help people. And I want to apologize to you because the last 350 times you've done this, I've reacted. I've led you to believe that you actually control my reactions and have power over me. I taught you that by my own actions. But from now on, that's not how it's going to work.

So feel free to push my buttons all you want. But I just refuse to react. And now I've got two other things I could say. What I really know is that you just want my intensity right now and I'm going to give you that intensity in a positive way, but not in a negative way because they are looking for your positive intensity. The other way you could say is,

hey, look, if you use that great brain of yours in negative ways, it's just going to have negative consequences. It just shows me you're not mature enough to handle sleepovers with friends, with getting your driver's license, and other kind of grown-up responsibilities. If though, and here's where my tone changes to an enthusiastic positive one, look, if you'd like to use that great brain of yours to problem solve and to talk to me more like an adult, like a grown-up, like I know you can, I'm all over that. Bring it on. I'll help you out. See, I can use this as a teaching moment to put the ball back in the child's court. Hey, something for you to think about, son or daughter. I'm not going to make you do anything or control your behavior. That's up to you. Your choices affect your life. I've asked you to stop doing X or start doing Y.

But if you continue to do this, it's just going to affect your life, right? This is going to be a consequence. It's just going to affect your life. Choice is up to you. And so I'm putting it back in their court rather than react. See, when I react, I can't believe that you would talk to me like that. I'm making it all about myself and about what I did as a child and all of my different issues. I'm't believe that you would talk to me like that. I'm making it all about myself and about what I did as a child and all of my different issues. I'm not doing that. I'm mature. I'm a

grown-up. I don't take it personally. And now I'm teaching and I'm putting it back in this court. Number five, look outside of yourself and help your child by getting to the root of the issue. And this is my favorite way to do it because look, instead of framing this merely as your child by getting to the root of the issue. And this is my favorite way to do it. Because look, instead of framing this merely as your child being a disrespectful provoker, go a layer deeper. What is your son or daughter really looking for? Are they struggling and just taking it out on you? Or do they just want your intense emotional involvement in their lives?

Hey, Jennifer, when you do this, what it tells me is something's bothering you. Listen, I'm not going to react, lecture, get in your face, but if you'd like to go for a walk with me, if you want to go walk the dog with me, I'd love to give you my undivided attention. I'd love to listen to help you if you want. See, that's not reacting. I'm just saying something else is going on with you. Many of you have heard this before, this following. This is the famous one that started to change my relationship with Casey from always reacting. I can't believe you would talk to me like this. I'm your father.

I'm the authority figure in the house. When I was a kid, all those things never led to anything good. Hey, Case, the last 43 times you've used that tone with me, what was really happening was that you were frustrated, anxious about something, or you're hungry. So you may continue to talk to me like that, but it just never ends well. See, there's an assumed close. It's just assumed close. It's kind of like that. I don't give any energy to it. This is not going to work well, but watch where the energy goes. I'm leading. I lead with my energy. But if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa. I'll meet you out on the deck. I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. And this was a huge pivot for us. And I

want it to be a huge pivot for you from being kind of like the powerless reactor who's giving away all your power and reacting. The child's in control. To when you begin teaching. Remember, discipline means to teach. It doesn't mean to punish. Go to your, you know, if you're going to talk to me, like go to your room because they're just going to go to their room for the rest of their lives. You're not teaching them anything. They already know what they're doing is wrong. But this is when I actually began teaching Casey why he was being disrespectful or why he was pushing my buttons. Hey, Case, I think you're looking for intensity right now because I've been kind of distracted. And when I did that, I saw the look

on his face and it registered. It's like, yes, that's look as a kid. That's what I really wanted, but I didn't know how to get it in a healthy way. And all I know is when I push your buttons or do something wrong or disrespectful, then you put your laptop up, you stand up and you get my face. And now I've got all of you, dad. But he didn't know how to say that. That's my job as the parent. And when this gets really good and changes things very quickly, because now I was able to say, I know what's going on right now. You're doing it and you're doing it in a negative way, but I get it because I have been distracted by work.

Then I'd close my laptop and say, so what do you want to do? And then I would give him what he was actually really looking for. And in many cases yearning for, which is my intense personal engagement in his life. And that satisfied that need within him so that he no longer had to push my buttons or do something defiant or disrespectful to get it. He started to learn. He could say,, dad, here's what I'm really looking for. But you have to teach them that, and it takes some maturity and some time. And when Casey learned this, he also came up with a really killer idea. And he's taught this to about a half million kids. He did it through school assemblies. He used to do this cool

school assembly. He doesn't do it anymore. And all the kids would go home and tell their parents this idea, mom, dad, we need to have a code word. Now he teaches this to your kids now on our straight talk for kids programs. The number one listen to program that we have in the calm parenting package because it's Casey, our son speaking directly to kids. And he shows them how to control their own emotions and impulses. And he teaches them how to have a code word when you're getting upset. So definitely look, have your kids listen to this. Next week, your kids for Thanksgiving are off of school. So download, order the Calm Parenting Package on our website or the Get Everything Package. We have a huge sale, the big sale for the big emotions, right? Sale with Black Friday and everything. Get it. You'll download it

through an app, really easy to use on your phone, on your spouse's phone, on your own parent's phone. And you can download to your kid's phone and let them listen to it next week while they're off school. It's really powerful. Look, I'll just say this bluntly. The sale that we're having, the amount you're going to pay for like 12 programs, it's worth it just for the one program to get your kids to listen to Casey so they learn that they're normal, that nothing's wrong with them, and they can begin to learn how to control their emotions. And so that idea of the code word when someone's getting upset in our home, instead of using lots of words, which makes everyone more upset, we had a code word, and it's very powerful.

So look, I was going to go through eight different responses, but I think I'm going to stop with five since it's coming up on the busy holidays. And we've already been, I've got some longer podcasts. I want to keep this a little bit short. Look, I hope you found this liberating on many levels that instead of trying to change your child, it's a huge opportunity to change yourself. That's a gift to break those patterns inside of you forever. It's a much more proactive way of thinking that has nothing to do with controlling or changing others and everything to do with controlling the only person in life you can control, which is you. So you can change this dynamic very quickly in your home,

but you've got to think differently and choose a different response. If you need help, reach out to Casey at Celebrate Calm. Take advantage of the big sale we've got going on. It will change your family. Listen, thanks for listening. Share this with other parents and then watch for the upcoming

podcast next week. We're going to do the one on kind of surviving the holidays that filled with big emotions. When you have a child who sometimes acts out in front of your family and they begin judging you, it's going to be very, very powerful. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.