Calm Parenting Podcast - Proper Expectations of Toddlers, Teens & In-Between

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

Society and social media puts too much pressure on families (okay, Moms!) to have perfect families. If you have a strong-willed child, it’s going to be ugly at times. So what are proper expectations for kids of all ages? I hope you find this helpful and liberating. Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So what are proper expectations for a toddler, for teenagers, for every age in between, right? It's hard today because you're exposed to so much social media. And if you are unwise enough to look at your Instagram or Facebook feed, you'll see all these happy families. And then you think about your own and you're like, look, I can't even get my child up in the morning without having a power struggle. Not to mention, we still have to get dressed. I've got to feed that child, get them off to school. And you've already had like six world

wars before 8 a.m. That's hard. So I want to give you some perspective today that I hope you will find liberating. And that's what we're going to discuss on this episode, a bonus episode, thanks to many moms who emailed me about this, of the Calm Parenting Podcast. My name is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, contact our strong-willed child. And so much of this comes from our experience with him. And then we invited, we had 1,500 kids coming to our home. We've worked with almost a million families. So I hope that this resonates with you

in very, very practical ways. But our son's name is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Emails, tell us about your family, ages of the kids, what are you struggling with? We will reply back personally, because this isn't a business, it's a family mission to help you with this. My one thing I would note is if you are interested, go to the website, get the get everything package. You will

be fully equipped for the school year ahead for kids of all ages, for dozens and dozens of situations, for school issues. There's resources you can share with the teachers, all that. So I'm going to work. I'm going to start with little kids and work my way up. This will be heavily skewed toward toddlers because of all the moms who asked me to do this one. And I don't like to upset already stressed out moms. So this isn't even in my notes, but moms, look, you know how this works as a family, as parents. You think when your kids are little, it's like every single decision we make is going to determine their future. It's not true. You could be a horrible parent for a little while and your kids still will probably turn out okay. Don't put that stress

on yourselves as a new parent. Just know, yes, you're going to need to be consistent and do those things, but you can't do it all the time. And before I forget, a couple other things, just for perspective, even if you're not religious, it doesn't matter. There's ancient literature, some of the most ancient literature, and it tells stories. And stories reflect the culture that they were written in. And one of the very first stories about a family is this family where there were two kids, and one of the kids killed his brother. That was before video games, before guns, before violence on TV. Which means, from the beginning of time,

there were disagreements in the family. Kids were killing each other. So I always like to joke, if you've got more than one child and they're still alive, you're a good parent, right? If you're doing better than a 50% murder rate among your children, historically speaking, you're a good mom. So you can relax about that and know that power struggles, conflict in the home is the norm, right? The purpose of relationships and family is not happiness, right? Someone told you that when they married you, but they lied to you because the purpose of relationships is transformation. Think about it. Think what a family is. You get two adults who come together and get married. It is the union of two imperfect people who are largely selfish and look after our own needs, or some of you, or it's even worse, you're people pleasers and you grow up trying to please

everybody else and you put everybody's needs before yourself and you get married and you think, oh, if I just do this, I can change this spouse. Well, that ends in resentment and divorce and a lot of unhappiness. So that doesn't work, right? And what else do you get? You get two, usually we're young when we get married and you have no idea what all of your issues are. They won't come out until later. Usually when you start having kids and you realize, oh, I have family of origin issues. This is from my childhood and I didn't realize that I had abandonment issues. And then I married a guy or a gal can be either way, either gender, married a guy who ends up,

he doesn't like conflict. So he runs from issues that triggers my abandonment. I go after him even harder, right? There's all these things going on. So the purpose of relationships is transformation. So if you can just dig in and think about your spouse and think about your kids as you are a tool for my transformation. You're going to help me grow up and deal with things I never dealt with when I was younger. You're going to help me become more mature. I should end the podcast right there because that's enough to think about, but let's roll with it. So toddlers, here's what I want you to know. Toddlers are not supposed to be productive or efficient, right?

Their job is to ruin your agenda for the day. It is because they're supposed to make messes and explore. When they wake up in the morning, everything is new to them. They want to touch things and explore things and put things in their mouths. And remember, big principle, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, always say yes to something appropriate, right? Because if your whole day with a toddler, no, stop it. Don't do that. Take that out of your mouth. No, no, no. Strong will kids are very energetic kids. And a lot of it is mental energy. They have ideas. They want to explore. They want to do things. And just saying no is a recipe for frustration, for you and them being frustrated, for your kids to begin

internalizing, I'm a bad kid because I'm always in trouble. So I always want to give lists of things they can do. Lots of missions and challenges. And this isn't just toddlers. This is elementary school kids. This is all the way through high school, really, but excuse the little bit younger. So I was doing a phone consultation with his family and his dad was like really hung up on this because he's like, well, kids got to learn from a young age to be disciplined. I was like, sure, I know. And they'll learn from your discipline. But when they're four, what? So I asked him this. He was a business guy. And I said, I want you to write a job description for a four-year-old, right? And I don't think it's going to sound like it needs to be a self-starter

with initiative who has a lot of discipline, right? No, he doesn't. He's four. So I want you to relax with those kids a little bit. Know that their job is to ruin your agenda. And this may be the first time where you come face-to- face with the fact that you have control issues and you have anxiety issues and you need things to be just so. And this little toddler is going to mess with that, right? Say your child pushes your buttons or refuses to do what you ask, right? Quietly just do what you said you were going to do, right? Don't react to it. Don't give it a lot of energy. No lectures, no reactions. It's, right, it's a very smart thing that your child is doing, right? That is what they do. They're supposed to tinker with you, your brain a little bit,

because they're disappointed. So no reaction, right? Look, you've got a child. They wake up with their own agenda. Why? Because your child's a bright, right? In this case, it's a bright little girl. I can tell you, you're going to get calls from the preschool very quickly. Your daughter's not following directions. She won't sit still during circle time, which is good, right? Why do you have sitting still during circle time is a completely arbitrary measure of nothing. For the rest of your life, you never have to sit still during circle time. Nobody at the office is ever going to say, hey, Sarah, Jim, three o'clock in the conference room, circle time, right? But we measure our kids against all kinds of arbitrary standards. And I encourage you, you've got to really fight that

as a parent for kids of all ages. The people, society, schools, churches are going to put all kinds of arbitrary standards on your kids that have nothing to do with their success or responsibility in life. Or your daughter's just going to wander around the classroom like she has hearing issues, but she likely doesn't. She's just got stuff in her brain that she wants to do. And I'm not saying it's right to do. I'm just saying we have to handle it in a different way. And I'm going to give her lots of missions and challenges and make things more difficult and say, oh, little Sarah, can you help me with this? Because I could really use your help and give them lots of jobs to do. If you have a really intelligent child who doesn't want to go to preschool because she's not ready emotionally,

well, I can tell you what she's going to do. She's going to start biting kids her first day of school. Why? Because she's not messing around. It's not the way she rolls. She's like, not happy here. I'm going to bite people. Guess what? I get kicked out of school and now I get to stay home where I may need to be so that I can continue to maturing and exploring, right? So in a larger sense with a strong-willed child, we have to give them ownership of their choices and decisions. Not control, but ownership. Listen to the strong-willed child program. You just have to do that because it explains these kids. They need to be challenged, right? These kids need to touch that proverbial hot stove so that they learn how to do things and they want to do it differently just within your boundaries. And that's why I get that package. You listen to that, you listen to

Toddler's Ages 2 to 7 program and the 30 Days to Calm so you can learn how to not freak out yourself. Few other ideas for toddlers. Younger kids respond a lot to energy. So controlling yours is extremely important. When you say no, use an even matter of fact tone, no emotion. I am not a big fan of, and I do not encourage you to use the, sweetie, baby, mommy needs your help. I don't talk like this to a strong-willed little child because they don't respect it and it sounds condescending. When I talk, when I say no to strong, low kids, whether they're three or 33, even matter of fact, this is just the way that I roll in my home. I discipline with no emotion. What I give my emotion and my enthusiasm to is to leading, to transitions, to what they can do. Hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home, but I love your energy. If you want to

come help me stir the soup or walk the dog, oh man, I could really use your help. See, the no is there's no energy in that. But I lead in what they can do. You know, little kids don't always hear you because they're caught up in their own world. They're so curious. They're focused on what they're curious about that they tune everything else out. So to cut through the clutter, sometimes I use non-verbals, music, flicking the lights. You know what's also cool to say sometimes? Hey, that's really cool what you're doing right now. Why do you enjoy that so much? And you draw them into a conversation about what they're doing, and you can learn a lot, right? Because then you can transition to, oh, you know what? That's really cool. You know what I could use some help with?

If you want to be a grown-up girl or boy, right? Here's another one for your kids who daydream, which is a sign of intelligence, by the way. Huh, what were you daydreaming about? Where did you just go in your brain? I'm curious to learn how creative you are and what a great imagination you have. And then you enter into their world. It's why I like with little kids when they're hanging off the sofa upside down, instead of going all freaked out about it, go and hang off the sofa upside down and say, huh, I never thought about doing it this way. This is a really interesting way to see the world. And you enter into their world and you learn so much and so many different ways to motivate them and discipline them that way that matter to them. Remember, I'm just going

to repeat this. Give them activities to do. Give them things to do instead of just saying stop. Hey, you're really good at doing X. Could you help me with X? Make things a challenge to stimulate their little brains. Maybe there's a time limit, unless your kids hate that. Do the task backwards or blindfolded. Hey, bet you can't do this. Most of our younger kids have sensory needs. They seek that sensory pressure. So you'll notice them hitting, constantly touching, grabbing at someone passing by. Maybe they're too rough with a dog or a new baby. So you have to proactively meet these sensory needs because that's very settling for their bodies and actually for their brains. And that's why I love having an obstacle

course in the backyard or the basement so they have things to crawl under, climb over. I want them pulling on rope or other things, pushing, shoveling mulch, carrying heavy objects, right? You can hide their food or toys in the obstacle course in the morning and say, bet you can't find it. Treasure hunts. All little kids love treasure hunts, right? When they get home from school, instead of asking them about school, and this skews maybe elementary school kids, have the treasure hunt that they have to find. And then maybe one day it's like, hey, why don't you hide something and I have to find it. As your kids get older, gymnastics, swimming, and martial arts are often very helpful

because your kids are often better at individual sports, and these also meet sensory needs, right? When they're upset and physical, I like to revert to and lead them to one of those physical activities they enjoy, right? I'd rather have a phone book so they can, not that they make those anymore, but that they can rip up like the incredible hawks that pull and push on things. Final thing just about with little kids is enjoy them, right? I know your little kids are irritating and they annoy you. Get under your skin. But that's a clue that you have a lot of triggers that you need to work on and do the opposite work with. Otherwise, you're letting a toddler control you. Now you now I'm gonna add this because there's a mom with two young kids under the age of three and I just email her and said we've got to readjust

your expectations you have two kids under the age of three your house should be a mess most of the time and your entire day should be putting out fires I know there are some moms out there with two or three little kids and they're all put together and they all look awesome and their clothes match and they're happy and smiling, but they're weird. And I can guarantee, I'm kidding, but not really. Underneath the surface, there's stuff about to explode. And you're like, I don't care what clothes you wear, if you even wear them, just wear the same clothes for the straight 15 days in a row, right? But life is supposed to look like this. The house is going to be messy. You're going to be putting out fires because you have an infant and a

three-year-old. So simplify everything. Don't try to do too much. In this case, I didn't hear anything in the email about the hubby, right? So I was just taking a shot and said, maybe hubby needs to step up and be more supportive. You can't do it all, right? But with hubbies, I want you to be specific with exactly what you need. Just saying, hey, I need your help around here, usually invites a hubby to yell, right? Instead, very, very specifically, here's what I could use your help with, right? Because you're overwhelmed. You've got all these people looking to you to hold things together and that's too much to be responsible for. I want to start working in some self-care

during the day before or when you get worn down. So think about what does recharge you, what feeds you, what can you sneak in for three minutes or five minutes or seven minutes, right? Because you've got two little ones, you can't just like leave them on their own and go to yoga class, right? But you've got to start being mindful of taking care of yourself because when you do that, you'll be much better for your kids. And here's what I'd end with with the younger kids. I want to give you permission sometimes just to make it through the afternoon. Moms and dads with the strong-willed children, sometimes just do what works. Just do what works. If you want to eat mac and cheese for three straight nights, eat mac and cheese for three straight nights. Nobody's going to die. Okay. You're not

a bad mom because it's not even organic mac and cheese. It's craft. It's horrible. And they're not going to die because that's what we grew up. And I'm pretty healthy. Our whole family's healthy. And we grew up on all of that stuff and Kool-Aid, mac and cheese, Kool-Aid and Twinkies. And yet we're still here and we're okay. So look, sometimes throw a movie on for the little ones. Oh, I'm never going to use screens as a babysitter. Really? I will occasionally, not all the time, not hour after hour, but occasionally to put on a good little movie or an educational show so you can feel better about yourself as a parent for the little ones that happens to be entertaining. And then lie down on the floor with them and watch a movie

or play and let some of those things in the house go. And look, if you married an engineer or a project manager and he's like, why did you get all this stuff on at home? Then you need to stand up and say, hey, you got to help me out here, right? You get to go to work every day. If this is what's happening, some of you are stay-at-home moms, some of you stay-at-home dads. I know it's all over the place, but in this case with this mom, right? It's like, if he's going to come home and complain, you say, hey, why don't we trade for a couple of days? I'll go to the office with all of the adults and you hang out and handle literally everything in the home plus two kids under the age of three and we'll see what the house looks like when I get home, right? So let some things go. It doesn't matter. I'd rather have you lie on the

floor and connect and giggle with and have fun with your kids than try to fit them into some kind of false Martha Stewart 1950s whatever agenda that's making you miserable and yell at your kids and everybody unhappy. And if it's a situation where hubby's coming home, then ask him to bring dinner home or just make it himself. You've got to ask more of us as men. Just don't do it with resentment and be specific about it. And when we step up and try, make sure you say, I really appreciate you helping or trying in your own man way to help. Please roll with my sense of humor in this. I'm a guy. I know my limitations,

especially back then. I am much more enlightened now, but back then, not so much. So roll with this. I want you to begin trying to enjoy some of this time as taxing as it is. And I think it's the false expectations that are getting you. So I give you permission to just roll with the day as it comes instead of fitting two little kids into an artificial agenda filled with unrealistic expectations of yourself, your kids, and your family life. Boom. And take that with all of your kids. So briefly, because that took a lot of time, let me go elementary school age. You can use some of those toddler things with them. I really want to create successes with your elementary school kids because they get into school.

School is hard. They shut down. They don't feel as smart as the other kids. Maybe they struggle with social skills and they begin to say, I'm dumb. I'm stupid. They don't feel good about themselves. They will shut down. They will become defiant.

So you're going to have to find ways for them to shine, put them in a position to use their particular gifts and passions, usually helping other people, and use their energy in positive ways. Look, I can't expand on that right here. It's in all of our programs and other podcasts. Here's the other thing for expectations. Kids in elementary school are supposed to get in trouble and be impulsive. Think about it. We grew up on Leave it to Beaver.

It was the story of a little kid who literally got in trouble every single episode. Why? Because that reflected what we did as kids. It's just that nobody really saw us because we were out by ourselves all day doing stuff and our parents weren't micromanaging us, right? So you want kids being impulsive at age 7 and 10 and 13, just not when you're married to them at age 33 or 43, right? So you've heard me say this before, but it's like parents get freaked out. Like, I can't believe my 9-year-old snuck his iPad into his bed at night. He knew that was against the rules. Don't be so shocked. It would be weird to me if your 9-year-old didn't occasionally try that.

There's an iPad with access to all the world's information. It's fun. It's interesting. Of course he's going to do it. And of course he's going to lose his privileges with it. But there's no drama necessary. I can't believe that you would disobey our rules. You are a disobedient child. Why would you say that? Just let them know. Say, I get why. Look, I get why you would do that. There's a lot of interesting stuff on your iPad. So sneaking into your room, of course you do that. Makes you pretty much a normal kid, right? But we have rules, we have standards, we have expectations and I know what's best for you. So you've just lost it for three days, and I'm going to hide it away with eight padlocks on it, right? There's no drama. There's no shaming the child. Of course he's going to do that. Okay, a couple more. Middle

schoolers, and if you want, I can do a whole thing on middle schoolers and teenagers another time, but middle schoolers, look, if you have a middle schooler and you're listening to this, I guarantee your middle school child is probably sitting in a hoodie sweatshirt, the same hoodie sweatshirt they've worn for 17 straight days without washing it. And they're probably playing video games because that's what they do. Middle school is an awkward time of life. You're not a little kid anymore, but you're not a grown-up either. And so I would reassure and normalize that it's normal to feel awkward and that every one of their friends feels the same way inside. Even the cool kids, they probably feel even more insecure and that's why they act so cool.

But normalize it. This is a hibernation phase of life. Not many middle school age kids, especially boys in our experience, are all that motivated. They're not going to come home and say, Mom, dad, could you give me some extra work? I really want some extra work because I want to work my hardest to show you that I'm disciplined and ready for life. It's not happening in middle school, especially for a strong-willed child, right? And beware the temptation. Watch what happens. You have a middle school age child who is very smart, bright, capable, but is not living up to his potential, and neither are you,

so let go of that. And watch what happens. Our anxiety kicks in. We think, who is going to marry this child? Who would possibly hire this child? He's going to be living in our basement till he's 29 playing video games. And you start picking out all the things that they're not doing right, all the things they're doing wrong. And when you do that, they begin to shut down, get resentful, they get more defiant, right? Saying if you would just apply yourself, what a horrible thing. Do not use that phrase with your kids, or I will come and I will lecture you for that, right? Same thing you do to your kids. So if you have a middle schooler or a teenager, here's what I want you to do for the next week. Notice all the things that they're doing right, all the things they're doing well.

This can also be what aren't they doing that's really awful, right? Because there are other kids who are doing all kinds of stuff in the teenage years that your kids aren't doing. And that's still a big deal. So affirm them for what they're doing right instead of always pointing out what they're doing wrong. And I guarantee you that will motivate them to work harder for you. Think about this for your teenagers and older kids. Their job description is to seek independence

and make their own decisions. That's what they're supposed to be doing. And that will likely include, even if you're in a good religious home, or even more so because some of your standards are way off, right? You're too rigid, includes sneaking things behind your back. That's normal. You're trying to get away with things, lying, changing passwords on the phone. Now, your job is to protect them. Just because I say it's normal doesn't mean you say, oh, it's okay. I'll let them do it. No, I just don't create drama and shame them and act all upset because my teenager is talking back a little bit and wants their independence. Of course,

they're doing it. Part of what they're doing is to see if you're trustworthy. Watch a lot of teens will say, well, I don't know if I can trust my teenager. And I'll flip it around and say, I'm not sure if they can trust you. Because when they do normal things, you overreact. So guess what they start to do? And this is where I get a lot of Christian parents or religious parents lying, sneaking behind your back because they know you can't handle it. And it's right. So don't get all flummoxed because your teen lied to you. Right. So it's normal. Just redirect and discipline without drama, without lectures, without explaining,

without reasoning, without convincing and shaming going on and on, right? So parent, the child had reset all the passwords, right? So that mom and dad couldn't check what they were doing. That seems pretty normal to me because who wants to be held accountable? I don't, right? Who wants an accountability coach? I don't, right? Good for you, but no kid wants it.

So there's not a lot of drama that's necessary. So I walk by and say, hey, just wanted to remind you to reset the passwords on your phone and computer before 6 p.m. tonight, or all the electronics are mine. And then you walk away, and you give them space. You're so annoying. Of course they're going to say that because you're being the mean parent and making them actually do it. But walk away and give them space and let them be upset for a little bit, right? They don't have to like it. You don't have to like it. It's just the way it worked because I'm mean and I actually care about you, right? But look, all the passwords reset by 6pm tonight or the electronics are mine, right? There's not a lot of drama. I can cut off the router. I can call the phone company.

I can cut off the phone service. There's no drama, right? Does that make sense? I hope you found that helpful. I talked really fast. If you need help, reach out to Casey. Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. If you do want to just get,

my recommendation, get the Get Everything package. There are detailed action steps for each different age group at dozens of different situations so you know exactly what to do. Plus, this includes no BS program. It's especially helpful with the older kids and teens to build that close relationship. So if you need help, reach out. Thank you so much for sharing our podcast with others.

Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.