Calm Parenting Podcast - Proper Expectations: Why Kids Do Things on Their Own Terms

Episode Date: January 16, 2022

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parent, you are going to walk in and say, young lady, you need to apologize to your sister right now. And I can almost guarantee you with 100% certainty that that little girl's going to say no. And you're going to respond, if you don't apologize right now, I'm going to take away everything you own. To which your strong-willed child is going to reply, fine. Sorry, stupid sister. Right? That's what you get when you try to force compliance, force an apology, force anything on the strong-willed child. And especially if you say right now, it guarantees they're going to push back every time. So I want to show you a different way to handle this. And in this podcast, there's going to be a lot of good

insight into how the strong-willed child thinks and what motivates them. Because I think part of our, I don't want to say problem, but I'll say it. Part of our problem as parents, part of the difficulty is that we're assuming that our kids are motivated by the same things that motivate us. That alone is a huge insight. Because what motivates us is, well, good behavior, good grades, raise a responsible citizen, all those things. And your kids don't care about those things right now. And you have to get inside the heart and head of a strong-willed child or any child to understand what makes them tick. So that's what we're going to address today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. All of our resources are there. The most popular one is just get the everything package because it's 35 hours worth of very, very practical strategies. But the most important thing to me is not the strategies. It's understanding your kids and why they do what they do, right? So if you need any help, reach out to our strong-willed child who understands yours because he was one and he still is one. Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. So back to this scene. You're being a good parent. You're demanding, hey, you need to apologize right now. And then you get the whole, fine, sorry, stupid sister. Now, some of you give a little check mark and you're like, oh, pretty close to an apology for our daughter.

I think we'll accept it. And I make this joke sometimes in live workshops that sometimes you have to grade on a curve with the strong-willed child because they're not always going to do things the way that you want them done. But let's go back to this situation. I'll show you a different way to handle it. And more importantly than the way to handle it is why it works and what we're looking for. So imagine instead that I don't react. I don't get upset because I realize that sibling fights have gone on since the beginning of time. And so instead, I walk into the living room and I kind of whisper or talk silently, quietly into my daughter's ear and say, hey, honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the

right thing to do. And then I walk away and drink. I'm kidding. I'm not going to drink. But I walk away because I want I'm kidding, I'm not going to drink. But I walk away because I want to give my daughter some space. So let's break this down. When I walked into that room, I was confident. I'm not freaking out because my kids are fighting and what happens and what if, what if. Look, a little side note. It is why I do not really participate at all in social media.

We have our own Facebook page, right? I get on that, but I don't participate a lot. I don't watch the regular news because I don't like all the fear and anxiety it creates of, well, what if this happens? What if that happens? I'm 55. Here's what I've realized throughout my life. Most of the what ifs never happen. And even if they do, they don't happen in the way that you imagined. And so either way, I'm not talking about not planning. I'm a control freak. I like to plan. But I don't like get spinning all the time.

And we spin with our, well, what if our daughter says apologize? What does that mean? Does that mean she's a sociopath? And what's going to happen later in life? Who's going to marry her? And who's going to hire her? What's going to happen to her? And we spin and spin and all of this anxiety makes everything worse and it creates pressure on your kids and you end up lecturing too much and they shut down. It ruins your relationship. So when I walk in the room and say, hey, honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do. And then I remove myself. Here's what I'm doing.

Let's break it down. Number one, that phrase, hey, when you're ready, I love that phrase. Never, ever, ever use it like this. Hey, son, when you're ready, go upstairs and get your shoes on. We need to go. You're never going to go anywhere. But in an emotional power struggle situation, when I say when you're ready, think of this, it almost like releases them to do what you want them to do, but it was in their timeline. They had a certain amount of ownership, a certain amount of control over it. I like the word ownership. I like giving kids ownership over their choices within my boundaries. I'm not giving them control of my home or my classroom, but within my clear boundaries,

within my clear expectations, I give them some ownership. And so when I say, hey, as in that example I always use of de-escalating, going in and say, young man, you need to calm down right now, almost always escalates things. Hey, son, I can tell you're frustrated.

When you're ready, if you want to come outside and play catch, if you want to come inside, if you want to come in the living room and play with Legos with me, love to help you out with whatever you're struggling with. That phrase, when you are ready, to a child who is in the middle of a power struggle, who is upset and who is frustrated and who doesn't know what to do in the moment, when you come in and demand right now, it causes them to freeze or it causes them to resist even more and say, no. And if I'm being honest, I would say that's not the child's issue.

That's your issue for creating that power struggle in that moment because you got freaked out. We need to discipline promptly. Well, sure. But it doesn't mean right away. It doesn't mean ASAP in the moment while you're upset and everybody's still frazzled. I want some space to calm down a little bit. So I want you to be confident in that, relax a little bit so that you can take a more measured approach. Hey, when you're ready, I know you know the right thing to do. Look, that's imparting confidence.

Your kids know in that moment what you need them to do. The long lecture about how it's important to apologize and we need to show contrition and when you're good, it doesn't matter. They already know I did something wrong and I need to apologize. Now, the main way they're going to know isn't because you've lectured them. This is hugely important too. It's because you've modeled it for them. When you have done something wrong or messed up or gossiped about someone at church

or said something disrespectful or bad about someone else or didn't let someone cut in front of you when you should have or whatever it is, you apologized for that. If your kids hear you modeling humility, they will grow up and they will eventually follow you in that and they will repeat that. So don't freak out so much. So when I say, hey honey, I know that when you're ready, you know the right thing to do. There's an assumed close thing there. There's that part of it is of I'm imparting confidence of you're a smart kid, you're a good kid. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this. I know you know the right thing to do. And then I remove myself because I want to give strong will kids space in the moment to own their moods, their behaviors, to wrestle with

things, right? And this is why it's so important. Write this word down if you want. It's expectations. Our kids, see if this isn't true, our kids resist having expectations put on them. They don't like that extra expectation. So you standing over them saying, I am not going to leave until I get an apology. Guess what? You're not going to get one for days perhaps. They don't want that expectation on them. They don't want someone standing over them watching how they did it because you know what they know? They're not going to apologize in the right way or quickly enough and then you're going to lecture about that. It is why we don't use overt praise. I don't do that, oh honey, you made such a good choice. You did such a good job. It sounds fake for one. It sounds a little condesc, and it creates this expectation that they'll always

make a good choice. And the reason your kid's like, no, it wasn't, I didn't do a great job, is they don't want that expectation. It's too much for them to carry. And that's a really important thing to know when dealing with a strong-willed child. That's why when I praise, it's low-key. Hey, good job. Saw how you handled that with your sister. Shows me you're growing up. Hey, you know what? It was a really good choice.

Proud of you. Fist bump. And then I'm out of there. I plant a lot of little seeds, but I'm not hanging out there making a big deal out of it. I'm letting him know I saw that. I'm impressed. Well done. I'm out of here.

Here's the other thing. So here's what's going to happen. Your daughter, the one daughter is not going to apologize right away, not even for a few hours. So you're going to be lying in bed at night talking to your spouse or yourself, right? Or God saying, are we raising a sociopath? What's going on here? Why can't she just apologize? But tomorrow morning after you didn't sleep, although she slept just fine, she will get up and that little girl or older girl

will do something thoughtful for her sister as an act of contrition. And your appropriate response is to go up and give a hug, a fist bump, whatever. Fist bump probably better and say, hey, saw how you handled that. Shows me you're really growing up. Fist bump, that's all. Now here's. Shows me you're really growing up. Fist bump.

That's all. Now here's what you're going to struggle with as well. She's not going to use the words, I'm sorry. And that's going to bother a lot of you because you're like, well, when you apologize, you have to use the words, I'm sorry. Why? Why?

What we're after is a changed heart, actual contrition. And this daughter put into action the fact that she was sorry about saying something mean, and then she actually took action and did something nice for her sister. She just doesn't want to say the words. Why? Because our kids don't want to do things the way everybody else does things. They're not joiners. Look, she doesn't want to apologize right now because her mommy or daddy, or to be honest, if you're religious, it's because

God wants them to. They want to do it because they know it's the right thing to do and they're ready to do it. And we get all freaked out about, well, she just wants to do things on her own terms. So do you, and so do I, and so does everybody else, right? Let's stop putting that on the strong-willed child. Why don't we spend a couple weeks getting on the compliant child who's too much of a people pleaser and won't take any risks or chances and does things just so you're happy with him, not always out of a good heart? That's equally as true at times, right?

There are times that the good child, the good person, those of you who are good out there, your hearts can be nasty, but you cover it up because you know how to behave the right way. Your strong-willed child just puts all out there. I don't feel like apologizing to my stupid sister right now. I can't believe that you would feel that way and say that. Why? That's what she's really thinking right now. But at the end of the day, well actually not the end of the day because she didn't do it by midnight, but the next morning she showed you by being contrite, by doing something thoughtful. She just didn't do it the way you want it done. And if you have a strong-willed

child, you're going to have to own that for the rest of their lives. They're not going to do it your way. And that's a good thing. They have many of these kids are just, I'm not doing it. They have big hearts, but if you're standing over them and hovering and put all these expectations, look, I'm just going to be honest, Be honest about and really look into some of the expectations you have put on your children. Look, I pick on my religious friends a lot because I come from that background and I know what it's like. Many of my religious friends, you have so many hang-ups over things that sometimes have nothing to do with morality and all about some belief system that you've had that

was drilled into you as a kid and you've never really challenged it and now you're putting it on your kids and it even for many of you it's suffocated and crushed you right and it actually drove you away from your your faith right and now you're doing the same thing to your kids at times and it's just arbitrary. We do arbitrary things all the time because, well, that's just the way that I was raised. It's the way I've always thought. Well, start to question it.

There's nothing wrong with questioning it, right? Because you're putting these expectations on your kids that sometimes I will dare to say, God doesn't even put on your kids. But you are because that's the way you were raised. So challenge that. And again, I'm going to keep mentioning this. Look, I'm asking you, I'm doing this podcast. I want to help you. Look, there are some people like, oh, you mentioned religion. Well, my honest answer is just grow up with that. I'm not asking you to believe what I believe.

I don't even share what I believe because I don't want pushback from everybody. Those of you who don't like me mentioning would probably find that I'm probably closer to you in many sentiments than I am to other people on that side that you, right? So look, we're grownups now. I don't want to be this whole silence thing. Well, he mentioned that. Look, if on this particular platform,

I were allowed to swear, I would swear, but I don't swear all the time. You know why? Because that bothers people and I don't want to, but I'm asking you to listen and not tune out just because you don't like my delivery or because I mentioned this. I sometimes bring up religious stuff because more than half of my audience and any audience has some kind of religious background. And so it's relevant. So I hope that makes sense.

And most of the time when I bring up religion, it's to hammer us to actually get to the basics and do the right stuff right. Right? So love you all. If we can help you in any way, let us know. We want you to understand your kids so you can actually enjoy them again. Take advantage of our sale. Take advantage of the resources on the website. Reach out to Casey. He will help you with all this. And if we can help you in any way, please let us know. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.