Calm Parenting Podcast - Pt. 2: How to Shut Up & Stop Lecturing (So Kids Actually Listen To You) #449

Episode Date: February 16, 2025

Pt. 2: How to Shut Up & Stop Lecturing (So Kids Actually Listen To You) #449 Do you lecture because you feel like you’re letting your kids get away with misbehavior if you don’t say anything? How do you handle the teen who doesn’t say anything?! Is talking how you process or let off steam? Do you ever feel offended when it feels like your kids aren’t listening to you…because no one listened to you as a child? In Part II of this series, Kirk gives you practical ways to handle these situations and break these generational patterns. Our Winter Sale on the Get Everything Package continues this week. Begin 2025 with hundreds of practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products and make 2025 DIFFERENT. AG1 AG1 is offering new subscribers a FREE $76 gift when you sign up. You’ll get a Welcome Kit, a bottle of D3 & K2 AND 5 free travel packs in your first box. Go to https://drinkag1.com/calm  HAPPY MAMMOTH Get 15% off on your entire first order at https://HappyMammoth.com with the code CALM at checkout.  HUNGRYROOT.COM Get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. Go to https://hungryroot.com/ and use code CALM. ONE SKIN Go to https://oneskin.co and use code KIRK at checkout for an exclusive 15% off your first purchase. COZY EARTH Wrap yourself and your kids in Cozy Earth luxury...with 40% OFF! Visit https://cozyearth.com/ and use my exclusive 40% off code CALM.  IXL LEARNING Get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at https://IXL.com/KIRK. ​EQUIP HEALTH  If you’re concerned at all about your child’s relationship with food, don’t wait to get an expert’s advice.​ Visit​ https://www.equip.health/calm for a free consultation with Equip. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit IXL.com slash Kirk to get the most effective learning program at the best price. So do you lecture because it feels like if you don't, you're just letting your kids get away with misbehavior. How do you handle a teenager or another child who just doesn't talk or say anything? Is talking how you process or let off steam? Do you ever feel offended when it feels like your kids aren't listening to you because no one listened to you when you were a child and you didn't have a voice?

So in part two of this series, I wanna give you some practical ways to handle these situations and break these generational patterns. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

You can find us in our big winter sale at CelebrateCalm.com. If you didn't listen to the first part of this, go back and listen to that now or just after you listen to this episode. So let's continue responding to some common comments from parents on our Instagram page. And by the way, I'd ask those of you who aren't following us on Instagram and maybe you're on TikTok or Facebook or whatever, follow our Instagram page. Look, I hate social media, but I believe we've created a supportive, encouraging, positive community

actually here in this little space on our Instagram page. And I'm very active there interacting with parents. So this was good insight from a kid. He said, my brain hurts and I'm completely overwhelmed. So please stop talking to me. Look, for many of your kids after school especially it's the end of the day. They've listened to teachers talk to them all day long. They've been instructed to do things that they don't want to do all day long

and then you start in on them because you want to talk. Well it's not all about you and stop making it a disrespect thing because your child doesn't want to talk in the morning or after school Respect that and give them space I promise you the more that you draw and lead these kids and respect them the more they will talk to you Otherwise, you're just being annoying. Okay, I want this was a great comment Now that my kids are teens, I think they can handle a thorough explanation of the

repercussions of their actions and I hope to open a dialogue but Alas, it's not what they want to hear So think about this moms and dads think about a work project that you completed that was less than optimal Do you really want your boss to take you through a thorough? explanation of the repercussions of your action actions and Dialogue about it really or do you want your boss to say hey that wasn't your best work But I know you're capable of crushing it on the next project, let me know if you need some additional tools to help you, okay?

And then you can initiate if you want the additional help. Look imagine a less than stellar moment when you reacted to the kids or said something ugly to your spouse. You know what you did was wrong. Do you really want your spouse to take you through a thorough explanation of the repercussions of your actions? No. You're embarrassed by your actions and you don't want to just hash it out. This would probably be better. Hey, I know that's not how you wanted to react.

Next time, here are a couple options for how to handle that better. And you keep it short and sweet. You give actionable solutions for the next time, and then you move on with a more positive encouragement. Look, we all mess up. I know you'll handle it differently or better next time. With your kids

obviously they can learn from the ramifications of losing their driver's license or their phone or their privileges but you don't have to go on and on. Another parent said hey talking is how I process information or the stress of the moment and this is really good insight it's how most of us kind of hash out issues we talk we get feedback we refine our opinions we get more feedback and refine more so a few thoughts for you one give yourself permission to not handle in the moment walk away you can, hey I just need some time to think about this and go for a walk. Talk to your spouse about the

situation first. Call a parent or a friend. Walk your dog. I'm looking at some horses out here with the neighbors. I go and talk to the horses. Why? They have great advice and they always just listen to me and I get clarity on a lot of our hikes. But I've learned in life if I don't respond right away and I go for a hike, a walk, and I hash it out inside of myself first, 99.9% of the time it just works out better. If you need to talk then practice asking questions and being genuinely curious, not interrogating. See, just saying like, hey, I'm curious, take me through what was going on because I really want to learn and help you.

See, what I want to do with discipline is take it out like, take it from what were you thinking? You know, how many times have I told you not to do that to hey, I'm curious Think about that. I really like this. I'm curious You just made a decision a choice. You just did something that you know was wrong and that is going to have negative Consequences and so I'm curious. Why would you do something that hurts you? See usually our discipline and usually us wanting to hash it out is we want to prove our point and get our point across. And it's more about that.

And it's almost like isn't it sometimes like marking off a checklist like well, my child misbehaved and did something wrong. So I lectured him or her and so my job is done. Isn't that true? Sometimes we fall into that trap with that checklist and it becomes more about like well I did my part and I brought it up but instead I want to problem solve and say look you keep doing things that hurt you. It's not about me. These choices you're making keep hurting you and so I'm curious is there something that I could do to help you with that? See I'm coming along

Side my child instead of just staring at them and just endlessly lecturing them because those words just feel like heavy weights and like Condemnation all the time and I know many of you especially those of you who grew up a lot of you in a very religious background it was all condemnation of of you who grew up, a lot of you in a very religious background, it was all condemnation of everything was about wrong behavior and now I've got a lecture you about that and it just weighs on you. Then a lot of us, look a lot of us, I'm this, I'm a ADHD person, I've got a very very busy brain and mouth and so my encouragement is this, I know it's hard but you're hurting your relationships so

you have to stop. You can't keep making excuses for this. Well this is just the way I'm made. Well I could use that for ten different behaviors. I'm a man, right? What if I, well I'm a man, right? Like that would let me get away with like a lot of things but I don't make excuses for that So that's why I want you to sit down and color and ask questions Go to the bathroom. That's just a great one. And you know, I need to go to the bathroom Why because most of your kids probably aren't gonna follow you into the bathroom Let's are really little and then you can take a walk clean or organize something

Something that gives you back a sense of control because when you're wanting to lecture you know what that's a really good one when you're wanting to lecture and I'm actually making notes here because I want to do a video on this one so forgive me for that but sometimes this stuff just pops up when you're lecturing it's partly because it feels out of your control. So in that moment go clean something, go organize something in your home. I do that because it gives me a sense of order inside. Okay here's a great comment. We're both teachers so we do a lot of talking. Again no excuses right? Switch to learning by asking questions, by being curious, by modeling, by teaching by example. Your kids aren't your students.

It's like if you're an attorney, do you think it would be helpful to litigate every incident with your kids? If you are an engineer, do you think it would be helpful to flow chart all of their behavior? No Okay, here's the very common question. I don't want to ignore the behavior So I feel like I have to say something and I don't want them to think it's okay or let them get away with it Look, you know from our listening to our podcasts and our programs, we don't ignore behavior. We just don't react to it. We don't give it negative energy. So I can say very matter of factly, hey, that kind of response isn't going to work in my home. Why don't you come back into the

room and try that again? You can address the behavior without going on and on. Short and sweet discipline is way more effective the more words you use the less valuable they become and the most valuable words of a valuable thing you can do is just to actually do what you said you were going to do. See I promised you if you talk to me like that, if you hit your sister, if you do X, this is just going to be the outcome of that. And so then you keep your promise. See I like that a lot. You chose to stay on your screens for an extra three minutes so you chose to forfeit them tomorrow or lose 30 minutes tomorrow. There's no drama. Your kids already know right from wrong so they're not gonna think it's okay.

Let's just start practicing. I would go through if you struggle with this go through the discipline that works program because that we go through on no drama discipline. It is very liberating and your kids will actually listen to you. Okay this one you know I just want them very liberating and your kids will actually listen to you. Okay, this one, you know, I just want them to understand. Look, your kids do. Your kids already understand. Here's the comment. I feel like I want them to understand why I'm making the decision, so I over explain, but I also want them to know I care. So I'm wanting to have this conversation, to know I care. So I'm wanting to have this conversation. But it just ends up sounding like you don't trust them to learn it themselves. That you don't trust them to figure it out and make good choices. Look, your kids already know

you care. Probably too much. But that ends up pushing them away when you just keep going on and on. Remember we talked about in the last episode when you're really emotionally invested in getting through to your kids guarantees they'll resist even more. Kids are not looking to be convinced. Stop trying to convince your kids that you're right. They're never gonna be like oh you know what you're just you have so much wisdom. I just realized your logic is so infallible mom and dad It's not gonna happen Sometimes you have to be decisive

Let them be upset without them without trying to get them to agree with you. It's called Leadership. Oh my kids get angry when I give them mommy lectures And I would just encourage you with this, anything that begins with, you know kids, it's really important that you learn, eh, those lectures in that syrupy sweet tone sound patronizing. It would make me furious if I were a kid. You know what they're thinking?

Talk to me like an adult. Those long lectures about integrity and doing your best and being the best version of yourself. It makes me want to run, right? Model it, live it, affirm what they're doing well, but none of those long, syrupy, sweet, or snotty tone doesn't work either. Okay, here's one more before I get to this big one. I just talk to break the silence. What do I do when my teenager has nothing to say? Well, why do you have to break the silence? See, that's your own insecurity and and your own discomfort and that's making it

about you. If your teen or tween or five-year-old wants to sit in silence, then honor and respect that. See a lot gets said sometimes by being that stable no drama person driving the car or sitting in a room not feeling compelled to fill the space or force a discussion. You're building trust during those moments. Otherwise, you're just being annoying. So learn, practice sitting in the silence. Now, what about when kids are being disrespectful? So guess who's been stealing my AG1? Mrs. Calm. She's trying to make that transition from so much caffeine or

smoothies in the morning to starting her day with AG1. And she said, I feel good knowing I'm starting my day, putting really healthy ingredients in my body. It's a quick, easy habit. There's no cleanup. There's no cleaning blenders. And that's huge to her. I've noticed an uptick in energy and mood, and that's why I've been enjoying and partnering with AG1 for so long. Look, Valentine's Day is coming up Why don't you and your spouse create a healthy habit together?

It's more likely to stick that way and it's great modeling for your kids. AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift when you sign up you'll get a welcome kit a bottle of D3 and K2 and five AG1 travel packs in your first box K2 and 5 AG1 travel packs in your first box. So make sure to check out drinkag1.com slash com to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com slash com to start your new year on a healthier note. Many of us have kids who struggle with an overly rigid diet. Some kids are eating uncontrollably and they're feeling a lot of shame. Any behavior around food that is affecting your kids'

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experience. Your family gets dedicated wrap-around support that helps your child achieve lasting recovery at home. If you're concerned at all about your child's relationship with food, don't wait to get an expert's advice. Visit equip.health.com for a free consultation with Equip. That's equip.health slash com. So mom wrote this, it is so hard because when they're talking back or being disrespectful and we're being quiet it feels incredibly permissive. It feels

like they're the ones in charge. Like you are agreeing with what they're doing or saying. I just want to reassure you if your child is talking back to you and being disrespectful they know it's not right. They know it and so what is your other option just to jump in and say you're not gonna talk to me like that young man young woman. It just escalates things. There's nothing about being quiet that says, you know what, you are right about what you're saying and it's okay. They can read your face, something else is usually going on. Now I've done this in other

podcasts, one of two things is going on. One is that they are dysregulated and they're really upset and they're just lashing it out and taking it out on you. Well in that case they're having a little meltdown and you never address a meltdown the behavior right then What are we doing a meltdown? Right. That is when we acknowledge with intensity what they're going through what they're feeling. Of course, you're really upset Totally get that we give them something they're in control of so that it begins to calm them down and then we use if we can we use motion changes emotion movement remember the chips and salsa example I did a couple weeks ago

like hey case I can tell something else is going on listen you talk to me like that if you want it's just not gonna work out for you but if you want to grab some chips I'll grab some salsa I'll meet you on the deck, I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. See, me, I didn't have to go back at him in that moment, and he knew that was wrong, and then the other thing is, sometimes kids being disrespectful is they're just pushing the boundaries and they're testing the boundaries. You reacting in the moment,

that's when they are in control of you. See, when you react, then they are in charge of you because they got you to react. So there is no need to react. Absolutely, you address everything. You just use wisdom to know that when your talk is going to have the maximum benefit, when it's going to land, but it's not in the moment. It almost never works in the moment when someone is upset. Think about it, you with your spouse, right in the moment, it usually works better when? After you two have cooled off, you've had a little bit of time apart, and you come back when you're both in a more humble mood and say, man, I really shouldn't have said that,

or, hey, that really hurt me. And then your spouse is like, yeah, I know, I shouldn't have said that. But not in the moment. So there's wisdom in knowing when to let kids blow off steam, when to address situations so you don't escalate it. But your kids know right from wrong. They know when they've gone too far. They're just embarrassed and don't want to admit it while they're being looked

at. So you can either you can always use tough discipline. I've been through that but do it afterwards. Let it calm down first. One of my favorite things to do with Casey at times afterwards is say like, hey I know that you know that was wrong what you just did and I'm curious what do you think your next step should be? And oftentimes he'd be like, I'm sorry dad. See I was putting it in his court rather than, you know what, you need to apologize to me right now, young man. I like putting it in their court, but lecturing, that anxious lecturing

where I really feel like you need to listen to me and hear me, it doesn't work. Okay, great one. Hey, it's a way to let off steam. That's what a lot of parents say. And I get your frustration as a parent, but this is akin to saying that yelling at my wife is just me letting off my steam.

It's both unhealthy and counterproductive. So what are positive ways you can let off steam? Physical activity, sensory exercise, getting a good sweat. Do something that gives you a sense of control. Meditating, prayer, talking to a friend. But find a better avenue than lecturing your kids. And we're going to get into this a little bit more in this next question on being assertive and self-care.

So very, very common. I was dismissed as a kid. I've never been heard. And a mom said, I believe it is so hard because I got shut up or dismissed as a kid So I tend to over explain and lose it when I'm not listened to Plus I feel like it's my job to convince people with arguments. That's a bad idea Stop that and and I lack alternatives. So Think about this. Let's work on the root of some of these childhood issues, right? And you can say, hey, when I was a child, I did not feel valued.

My opinions were not respected. My parents did not listen to me. So I felt dismissed like my thoughts were not important. But now I'm a grown adult and I have wisdom to share. So I will do that with my kids respectfully in a healthy way see you can acknowledge how hard that was for you as a child and It makes perfect sense that you would feel hurt when you're not listened to I get that completely But let's pivot and say hey, I'm a grown adult now, I'm aware that I have this trigger,

so now I'm going to break the pattern and do it differently with my own kids so they feel heard, not feel like they get away with saying whatever they want, but we get to break that pattern. And so let's learn to be assertive about your needs because you were shut down as a kid. What that tells me is you may have gone through life now being kind of a people pleaser saying, oh it's not important what I want. Let me make everybody else happy. Oh you know what, it doesn't matter. Just I want to do what you want to do, right? A lot of us do that. Oh I don't want to ask them for help because I don't want to bother them. See, that's a pattern for you to break. And so you're going

to have to practice this. Start speaking up for what you want. See, being bossy, think about this. A lot of you are, I don't want to be bossy. Being bossy is telling other people what to do. Being assertive is telling other people what to do being assertive is Telling other people what you're going to do or what you want See being assertive is demonstrating self-respect. I have Specific certain needs that I know I have physical emotional Spiritual needs and so in order to demonstrate self-respect, I make my needs a priority.

That is not selfish at all. What is selfish, if you want me to guilt you a little bit, is moms, is this, is when you do everything for everybody else and nothing for yourself. Because many of you had that martyr mother and it sounded like this really virtuous thing of like, oh, I self- oh I self sacrifice for everyone else.

But what happens is you become resentful and worn down and then you need your kids to behave. You need them to listen to you. You become very needy because you're not getting your own needs met and now you need other people to meet your needs for you or behave in a certain way so that you can deal with it. No blame and no guilt. This goes back to childhood stuff. But let's work on that. If you do have our programs and you're a mom, I would go through the Straight Talk for Moms program or the 30 Days to Calm program because we go through that in a lot of depth of practicing being assertive, asking for

help, speaking up when people say, hey what would you like for dinner? What movie do you want to watch? Tell them, don't defer to everybody else all the time because they'll begin to respect you when you begin to respect yourself. I hope that makes sense and be very patient with yourself but also let's practice that. Oh, here's a really good one. I get exhausted and overwhelmed by the chaos of having three kids and I rarely feel heard by my spouse and kids, so I end up losing it and then lecturing how they should act,

which is me just trying to feel appreciated and respected that relates to what we just talked about. So I encourage you with a few things. Simplify your life. Determine what is important and what you value so you're not overwhelmed. Make your priorities very clear and be ruthless about cutting out activities that don't matter. Practice some self-control. Pick one or two activities that make you feel at peace, calm, important. Begin making your needs important. Practice being assertive with your spouse. Say exactly what you want and need. Be specific and concise.

Honey, this is exactly what I need right now. It would really help me a lot if you would do X right now. When you get home, I need seven and a half minutes of alone time, right? Because this is a mom with three kids at home and she's overwhelmed. I need seven and a half minutes of alone time.

See, that's very specific. Now, it's like a husband, I know. Okay, she needs me to get the kids out of the house. Seven and a half minutes, oh, I can handle that. I can do that. And then don't apologize for asking people to do things for you and help you. Look, ask your kids to do one thing for you.

It could be cooking a meal, moving something. Practice asking them to do something for you. I'm not talking about doing a chore. Make it more personal and then practice being short and sweet with directions. It'll sound very cold, but I like it to be, hey, jumping on the sofa? Uh-uh, not working in my home. But I love your energy. If you want to come help me walk the dog or stir the soup,

man, I could really use your help. And then this one, practice stopping. Practice stopping. You're talking so much. Practice just holding your tongue. Practice stepping back so your kids can step up. Literally practice not reacting and talking. Now here's the one I kinda wanted to end on.

Mom said, no I have this problem. And after the moment has passed and I reflect when I'm not upset, I realize my dad used to do this to me. I wasn't allowed to have the last word or really any word and now my daughter, it's such a trigger for my angry emotional reactions. I really don't want to do it anymore. Sometimes I stuck in this idea that my kids must listen to me no matter what, but I don't want them to be adults that do

that when they feel disrespected. So here's the beautiful thing moms and dads, you get to break the generational patterns. You get to create a new family tree. You get to become that confident authority figure who allows your kids some independence and ownership within your boundaries. Who knows your job is not to control your kids and not to control all their outcomes. Your job is not to fix everything for them that is liberating for everyone.

You get to model how to live. You get to drop wisdom on them. You get to learn how to deescalate situations, try that sitting and coloring. You get to come alongside and teach. You get to discipline decisively. You get to encourage them when they fail and encouraging them when they make progress. I know this is hard. I appreciate you digging into this and really working hard at this. But let's make progress in

this area. If you need to go back and listen to the last podcast because this will change your home very quickly. When you begin to master this because you know what else when you're mastering this you're really dealing with a lot of deeper stuff and childhood issues. I'd encourage you we have a sale on if you need help financially ask Casey but we we go through the center programs, detailed step by step, and I think you'll get a big breakthrough there. It will change your family.

And so I do, I honor and respect you so much. You're giving this gift to your kids so they don't grow up and do the same things. So thank you all moms and dads. Love you all. Thanks for sharing the podcast. We'll talk to you soon. Bye bye.