Calm Parenting Podcast - Q&A: Impulse Control, Messy Bedrooms, Sassy Kids & More

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Starting point is 00:02:03 Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So how do you handle kids who are afraid of the dark? Can you teach impulse control to a child with ADHD? What are the consequences for breaking something in the house? Do any of you have kids who freak out when plans change and then they blame it on you? What about kids who lie? How do you handle and help a child who doesn't want to take a nasty tasting medication or antibiotic? What if you have a child with a nasty attitude?

Starting point is 00:02:48 And how do you get strong-willed kids to make their bed or clean their room? Those are the questions we are going to ask on this special episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. I asked on Instagram, hey, what questions do you want me to answer? And I can't answer them all, but over time I will. And if you like this episode, let me know and I'll do more Q&A sessions. So even if all the questions don't pertain to you, hopefully you can glean from them some principles, some ways of

Starting point is 00:03:22 thinking about situations and apply it to other situations. So let's roll. Question one, how do we deal with kids being afraid of the dark, but who insist on watching zombie shows and scary things? And my response was, well, then they'll just continue to have fear and nightmares. And that's their choice. That is their, and not yours to fix. And the mom on Instagram actually replied and said, look, this triggers me. And then I feel angry at the end of the day. Then I feel guilty that I'm not validating their emotions. Think how insidious this is.

Starting point is 00:03:59 Your kids make a choice that affects their lives. And then you as the parent feel anger and guilt. That's not a healthy boundary and that will actually feed this negative cycle. See, in some ways you are owning responsibility for their choices. You are becoming entangled emotionally with them. Your kids make a choice and get afraid. You then feel like you need to comfort or validate them emotionally, which probably prolongs this cycle because they reap an internal benefit from this while you end up feeling angry and manipulated. Instead, simply state in an even matter-of-fact manner, of course you had a nightmare. That's what happens when you watch scary shows. So for many of you, that's going to be very hard. That sounds kind of cold

Starting point is 00:04:53 and it's not. It's also not snotty or lecturing. You know what? When you watch scary shows, that's what happens. See, I hate that tone. It's just a statement of fact and you were putting it in their court. Look, if you don't want the nightmares, then you need to make a different choice. And then you walk away. It's not cold. It's the compassionate thing to do, rather than make yourself feel needed by comforting them. The good news that we always talk about is that you can't always control your kid's behavior. But mom, you have complete control over your own.

Starting point is 00:05:31 When you liberate yourself from needing to feel needed or from reacting with anger or guilt or emotion, you will most likely liberate your kids to own their own choices. See, it's really cool. I think you can break this cycle by controlling your own emotions first. Okay, how do we improve impulse control in a child with ADHD? And the mom had said, hey, I really struggle with this because I'm anxious about my child's future. So a couple things. One, kids are supposed to have impulse control issues. This is the age they are supposed to try new things without thinking too much so they can

Starting point is 00:06:21 learn the hard way without the stakes being too high. I want kids being impulsive. I don't want 35 and 45-year-olds being impulsive. And I honestly, I get so PO'd. I get angry at how our society frames everything with our strong-willed, ADHD, neurodivergent kids in a negative light without ever showing the positives. And it's dishonest and it's destructive. Look, impulse control is a legitimate and real issue. But this is the conversation I want you to have with your child. Hey, yeah, you're impulsive at

Starting point is 00:07:00 times. That means you get excited about ideas. You've got initiative. And so you jump in quickly and that will serve you well in life. See other people overthink things, make excuses, wait for the perfect moment, and they're too risk averse. So they never accomplish big things. So this is a superpower in your life. Now, the downside is that sometimes you jump in without thinking things through, and that will cause you to get burned. And that will hurt, but it's part of the process. What I want is for you to harness your superpower without getting burned so often and so badly. And since this is going to impact your life, I want you to begin practicing impulse

Starting point is 00:07:49 control every day in small ways so you can get mastery of this and accomplish your large dreams. Now that is an honest conversation about the advantages and disadvantages of this trait. But it isn't in that smarmy, snotty tone that schools and society and churches and parents use with their kids. You know, you really need to work on your impulse control issues and you're hyper and you can't focus and you have auditory processing issues. And the list is endless and it's destructive. Nobody else on the planet picks out everything negative about their kids and spends 90% of their childhood trying to fix it. See, instead I gave context and now the child will be motivated to work extra hard on impulse control, not because there's something wrong with him, but because it will lead

Starting point is 00:08:47 him or her to accomplish their vision in life. And I love this way of teaching your kids about life. You're normalizing the fact that everybody has strengths and weaknesses instead of our society singling our kids out with negative labels because no one is saying snotty things or trying to fix the kids who are risk averse overthink things and are tentative see those qualities need to be worked on as much as impulse control but see now you've given your child a vision and the lay of the land and they can take ownership of this themselves, which is awesome. Now, obviously, you need to take an active role modeling this for your kids right in front of them. We had several rules or traditions in our home. We never made a big purchasing decision right away. We always walked out of the store,

Starting point is 00:09:39 even if the salesman was like, oh, this deal ends tonight. I was like, no, it doesn't. And we would come back a day or two later. Only usually we didn't go back because once we left that impulse control, that impulse to get it kind of left. We instituted that all the time. We never bought anything in the checkout line at the store. Why? Because it's designed to take advantage of impulse purchases. So we did this. We actively taught Casey impulse control and delayed gratification when he was little. We'd go to Red Robin and I'd routinely ask, how many fries are we going to leave on the plate today? And he'd say, why would you do that?

Starting point is 00:10:17 And the answer was, well, just show that you can. And I know that may sound stupid or silly, but it was concrete and it worked. And I'd encourage you, do this with video games. Teach your kids delayed gratification. This is an imperfect example, but let's say your kids get to play on their video games for an hour every afternoon, whenever it is. But one night you say, hey, you know what? Tonight, here's what I want to do. If you guys will turn off your video games after 56 minutes, so four minutes early, tomorrow night, I will give

Starting point is 00:10:53 you an additional 10 minutes or 12 minutes to play. What are we doing? We're starting to teach them, oh, if I delay gratification and I give up a few minutes today, I get more tomorrow. It's a skill you have to practice and you have to model and you have to get control over your anxiety about your child's future or this will sabotage your efforts. You'll make lots of little comments that will highlight your anxiety and your anxiety tells your kids, I'm not really confident you can do this. But look, I think anxiety is parents' number one enemy. It will cause you to get the exact opposite of what you want. Okay, good dad asked this.

Starting point is 00:11:35 What do we do? What consequence would the calm guy give if your kids broke windows? So here are two or three answers to that. Number one, here's one of my favorite options. So say in a very grave, serious voice, guys, meet me outside in five minutes near the broken window and then go outside. They're going to be anticipating you coming out, being all angry. Instead, smile, give them a fist bump and say, you know what? I'm just glad you guys are outside playing with a ball. Proud of you. It's what we did our whole childhood. Listen, this time, I've got this. I'll handle it. But next time, if you're not careful and it breaks, you guys are paying for it. Look, sometimes it's

Starting point is 00:12:16 nice to just extend a little bit of mercy to your kids because they're just trying to figure out life. And we all screw up in life. And it's nice sometimes when someone just says, you know what? I've got this. Now, if your kids have repeatedly not listened to you, or if this happens again, here's how I would handle it. I get an estimate for the window to be fixed. And then one day I just say, hey guys, I got the estimate to replace the window. It's on the kitchen counter. Why don't you guys take a look at that?

Starting point is 00:12:46 And then let me know how you plan to work this amount off Around the house doing chores because you got to pay me back for this And we'll probably need to do a yard sale We can get rid of some of the toys that you don't play with and I can show you how to get some extra jobs In the neighborhood doing some odd jobs for neighbors so you can pay this back. Now here's why I like this. There's no drama. I'm not angry. I'm not lecturing. I'm not shaming. There's no constant disapproval. It's even a matter of fact and there's no drama. I'm just holding them accountable and I'm giving them tools to pay this off.

Starting point is 00:13:23 I like that approach a lot for almost all of your discipline. There's no need to make everything into a big deal. The third option, and this isn't really related to breaking windows, I just wanted to add this. If you have younger kids, little kids, when they mess up, just get on the ground and help them learn how to make better choices. You're teaching. Discipline means to teach. Look, they're just figuring life out like you and I are in our 30s, 40s, and 50s. Is

Starting point is 00:13:53 that not true? How many of us are still making boneheaded decisions and we just want someone to come along instead of like, you screwed up again. That's going to cost you. Sometimes it's nice to have a mentor come along and say, let me show you how to do this. Okay, here's a common one. Most of you have kids who have these very busy, swirling brains, and it feels like life is out of their control. If you have kids who are adopted oftentimes from foster care, or they have a trauma background, well, then they're going to want to control a lot of things in life. And that makes sense to me. But when things don't go their way or plans change, they're going to lash out. They're going to freak out. They'll call you a liar. They'll blame you.

Starting point is 00:14:32 So here's my short answer. And a mom had said, like, she had told him, like, we're going to go swimming. Well, it was thundering. So the pool was closed. So they couldn't do it. So my short answer is always try to give these kids some kind of ownership or control over some aspect of the planning. Hey, why don't you look that up and let me know the hours they're open. If it's closed, what is your backup plan? See, I'm starting to teach them. When they get predictably upset over something going wrong, try giving them some positive intensity. Yeah, you know what? I'd be really upset too. It's hard when you get your mind on something, you look forward to it, you start picturing all the fun you're going to have, and then the plans change and nobody really likes to change. It's hard. See, that's validating

Starting point is 00:15:21 instead of like, I don't know why you're getting so upset. Just validate it. You're not saying it's right for them to be upset. You're just saying like, that's normal. And so if you want, you can say, hey, vent for the next seven and a half minutes if you want. But then we're going to problem solve and figure out plan B. You can also say, look, I have no interest in being your punching bag. And I refuse to accept blame for something I had no control over. So be PO'd all you want.

Starting point is 00:15:44 But it won't change anything. And then you'll just simply be choosing to be miserable. refuse to accept blame for something I had no control over. So be PO'd all you want, but it won't change anything. And then you'll just simply be choosing to be miserable. Or you can use your creative brain and come up with an alternative. I kind of like that. Okay, what do you do with teenagers or kids who lie? Look, this is a trust issue, but it works on both ways because parents are always like, oh, I can't trust my child because he or she lies all the time. And I get that they do, but there's also a trust issue on the other side, because sometimes when your kids come and tell you the truth, you've overreacted and you created a lot of drama around it. And so they learned it's not safe to tell you the truth. So this is very short, but it's very, very practical.

Starting point is 00:16:24 I encourage you to do this. Practice this. Tell your kids, hey, we're going to practice this. I want you to walk into the room and practice telling me the truth. Tell me something that I don't know. Tell me something that maybe you've done that you might get in trouble for. Come tell me the truth. See, you have to practice it because they have built this habit of lying and making up stories. So I want them to practice literally walking into a room and saying, Mom, Dad, I didn't tell you about this, but this is what I did the other night. I wasn't actually at this event. I went with my friend Ryan over here.

Starting point is 00:17:00 Now, the second part is we are going to practice not reacting to you. And I want to apologize to you for all the times that we have overreacted and shamed and lectured you instead of problem solving. So look, you're both doing it. Instead of getting on the child like, you know, we can't trust you because you have integrity issues. We're just going to send them away from you. But if you own your own part, which is great in all relationships, it's like, hey, we need to work on this too. And now you're both practicing it. Quick one. Are your Instagram videos shot with a computer background or are

Starting point is 00:17:35 those really filmed in those mountain locations? I was so bummed when people started asking this. Of course, all the videos are shot outside on location and places where we hike as a family. I try to get into places where I block the wind and don't bother other hikers, but those views make up for my natural lack of charisma. And it just became kind of a thing. And it's actually causing me to hike a lot more than I even used to because I want to find different places. But yeah, it's real. So I have a preteen who gets sassy and disrespectful toward me sometimes. How do you learn not to take it personally or get triggered? Look, change your expectations.

Starting point is 00:18:12 Are you expecting your strong-willed child to be the only teen or tween on the planet who isn't sassy at times? It would be weird if kids this age walked around saying, you know what, I don't really want to hang out with my friends. I'd rather spend time with my mom and dad because they love me and have so much wisdom. That'd be weird. So every morning, wake up and expect that this child is going to be on a roller coaster all through their teen years.

Starting point is 00:18:38 Their entire life is drama. And it's made way worse because of social media. You know what they really need is someone who doesn't feed that drama. Someone who doesn't react all the time. Someone who has the confidence and wisdom to know this is a natural stage when kids are trying to figure out how to be independent while still maintaining that safety. And it's an ugly process

Starting point is 00:19:01 because they've never done it before. You have. So I was going to say act like it, but act like it. Like stop being shocked that kids are sassy at times. Look, they came out of the womb like this and you are there to be the steady guide through the rough seas so they can count on you. Have some compassion. These years are tough because the kids, they're no longer little kids, but the hormones are kicking in. They've got this heightened social importance. So everything is about fitting in and yet nobody fits in. So you get to become the one person in their life who doesn't create more drama. By all means, don't allow kids to be

Starting point is 00:19:46 demanding and then turn around to do everything for them. But when you reply to them, use few words, right? If they're demanding, just short and sweet. Hey, that's not going to get you what you want. You can try again when I come back downstairs. Or if you want to talk, if something else is going on, we can go for a walk and I'll listen to you and I won't even talk, right? It's kind of like my chips and salsa example with Casey. Look, if you have a resentment, then that's your work to do. Well, after all I did for her and she talks to me that way, well, then you loved with expectations. That's manipulative. See, because I did so much for you, you owe it to me to talk to me nicely. That's not how life works. That's not healthy.

Starting point is 00:20:27 So release this child from your false expectations. Affirm the child relentlessly. I mean this for teens and tweens. Affirm them, affirm them, affirm them. Find every single little thing that they're doing well. They don't need to be piled on. They're already piling on themselves. All their friends are piling on them. So notice all the good choices they're making. Notice what they're

Starting point is 00:20:50 not doing wrong, right? So she's got a little bit of attitude, but she's not vaping. She's not doing all kinds of other things. So sometimes just smile at the sass when it's particularly witty. I used to do that with Casey. Sometimes his comebacks were really kind of disrespectful at times, but they were so witty and good. I was like, you know what? Good one there. It's not going to get you what you want, but nice witty response there.

Starting point is 00:21:16 But then redirect without emotion or drama. You know what's really cool? This was a mom and a teenager, a tween daughter. Sit and color sometimes. When your daughter's getting all filled with drama and starting to get a little attitude, sit down at the kitchen table and just start coloring. And then put another crayon out and some paper. I guarantee your daughter will probably sit down and color. And now you will

Starting point is 00:21:37 have bonded together. And you can have these great talks while you're coloring. Look, they're only going to go through this stage once. And if you handle it right, it will bond you very, very closely because you'll be the one parent not freaking out. Okay. My child is sick and has to take antibiotics and he fights me. And the mom said, every single time it's a fight. And my response is, I don't mean to sound jerky, but it's this. Who cares if it's a fight? Just don't fight back. Stop expecting your child to like it or for it to be easy. I think modern day moms and dads, I think you think, well, if I just say it the right way or do the right thing, or if I've done enough for them, or because they have so many things in life that I didn't,

Starting point is 00:22:22 that it should just be easy. It's not going to be easy all the time and that's okay. I want you to know that's okay. Just accept the fact that he's going to fight it every single time. Acknowledge that it tastes awful and that stinks, but you just expect him to take it and get it over with, even matter of fact. See, sometimes you getting all, I can't believe I try to make it with his chocolate in with. Even matter of fact, see, sometimes you getting all, I can't believe I try to make it with this chocolate in it. I try to do all, see, you're creating all this drama and then it feeds more drama. Don't create the drama. Sit in the unease of it. Now, if you want to go the extra mile, try this, make a deal with your child. Hey, every time you take your nasty antibiotics, I have to drink something disgusting like milk and orange

Starting point is 00:23:06 juice combined. Or I've got to do something uncomfortable for me like push-ups or sit-ups. I like that a lot. Okay, here's a good question. Please, please, notice the double please. Please share how we can get our strong-willed children to make their bed or pick up their room. Now, I really like the mom who asked this question. So mom, don't be offended. I'm being tough with you because I know that you can take it and I really like you.

Starting point is 00:23:31 So I'm gonna push back hard because look, this represents a lot of missed opportunities and probably impacts other parts of life. My question is, why do your kids need to make their bed? Why? It doesn't matter. Or maybe it's better asked, why do you need them to make their bed?

Starting point is 00:23:47 And a lot of moms and dads will have these different answers. Well, I like to climb into a freshly made bed at night to sleep. Yeah, so do I sometimes. But that's just a preference of yours. Maybe they don't care. So don't impose your preferences on them. Well, if they don't clean their rooms, they will grow up to be messy slobs and not be successful. Wait, now your anxiety just projected way into the future and made some drastic assumptions that just aren't true. The truth is, it does not matter if they make their better clean their room. It has literally nothing to do with their success in life. Our son's room was a complete disaster most of his life. That's why we kept the door closed. We made sure there were no plates and dishes in there so there were no

Starting point is 00:24:37 ants and bugs, but otherwise it was his room. Then guess what? He grew up. He got an apartment with three other guys and it was orderly and clean. Now he owns his own home and it's clean and organized and you have to take your shoes off when you enter. Kids change. They grow up. Look, if you are orderly and clean in your home, your kids will likely grow up and replicate that. If you're a hoarder and your house is a disaster, your kids are probably going to follow your lead as well. Chill. Well, can we make some agreements like no friends in your room if your room isn't clean? Why? Who cares if their friends see their room messy? Are you afraid that it's going to make you look bad? Like your child's friend is going to say, dude, your room's a disaster. Your mom sucks as a parent, right? Like, is that what you're afraid

Starting point is 00:25:25 of? No. Maybe this friend will put some positive peer pressure on your child to actually clean up, but most kids just don't care. Well, making your bed every morning is a great life skill and gets you a win to start the day. I completely agree, but you know what's even better in the morning? Getting exercise, being in the sun, taking a cold plunge, making a list of your priorities for the day, doing yoga, meditating on sacred writings, singing out of gratitude, journaling, saying positive affirmations. Do you do all of those things? Or did you just pick this one because it triggers you so much. See, it triggers you so much you said, please, please. And that is a sure sign to me that this means way too much to you. And when

Starting point is 00:26:13 something means too much to you, you will be overbearing with it. And you know how this works with a strong willed child. Strong willed kids, if you try to push them, they resist even more because they know even if they do make their bed or clean their room, it probably won't satisfy your anxiety. So they don't even try. And they may actually get a kick out of your reaction to it. Look, if I was in your home, I would purposefully, and I was going to say I'm not being a jerk, but I kind of am. But I promise you, if I lived in your home, I would purposefully not make my bed on purpose just because it irritates you so much.

Starting point is 00:26:49 And that's not really my issue. That's yours. Plus, just think, moms and dads, your nagging will not get them to ever do whatever you want them to do. Fill in the blank. You've been nagging some of your kids for literally over a decade. Has it made any change? No. All it's done is hurt your relationship and actually makes you look bad.

Starting point is 00:27:11 So let's grieve this and let's bury it. Then apologize to your kids. I'm sorry I have bugged you so often and obsessed over your bedroom. All those hours and times I bugged you, I could have instead been telling you all the great traits you have, why I'm proud of you, how you're going to crush it in the real world, even if you don't ever make your bed. See, when you release your kids from this expectation,

Starting point is 00:27:42 and I mean no snotty little comments or suggestions from now on, I bet you will free them to start cleaning their room more because you're not watching and waiting and picking it apart. When you step back as a parent, it gives your kids space to step up. And no, don't let the house cleaner pick up their room for them. Let them own it. And keep that door shut. And by the way, if you really struggle with messes, I think last November I did two podcasts on sitting in messes until they don't trigger you and then teaching your kids how to clean up.

Starting point is 00:28:17 Check those out. Binge listen to past episodes. Hey, listen, thank you for listening to our podcast, taking the time. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for sharing it with other parents. It means a lot to us that you do that. Thank you for listening to the ads. I know sometimes they're annoying, but listen to them like at 1.5 speed. I listen to all podcasts at at least 1.25 speed because I like to go fast with it and you get through a lot more material that way. But I do appreciate you being so engaged with us on Instagram. And I do just want to thank you for

Starting point is 00:28:50 all those things. And thank you for digging in so hard. Those of you who have invested in our programs, thank you for making the emotional financial investment to change yourself and work hard on this. And we are committed to always helping you with this and working through the toughest issues. So you guys are awesome parents. Love you all. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - Q&A: Impulse Control, Messy Bedrooms, Sassy Kids & More

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