Calm Parenting Podcast - Q&A Lightning Round: Fairness, Getting Kids to Be Responsible & Calming Upset Students

Episode Date: October 23, 2018

Q&A: Fairness, Getting Kids to Be Responsible & Calming Upset Students Kirk answers 6 tough questions from parents and teachers in this lightning round format. As always, his strategies are practical, creative, and they work! · How do we get kids to be more responsible for themselves (Kirk shares a great phrase every parent and teacher needs to master)? · How can we get a student to collaborate/work well with others in class? Should we mark down if that child doesn’t participate? · How do we calm an upset child instead of embarrassing the child and escalating the situation? · How do you discipline and redirect a student without causing him to shut down? · What about kids who get physical and have sensory issues? Share this podcast with teachers and your school counselor. Email [e-mail] the name of your school/church and city. Within 2 hours, he’ll send a proposal to train parents, teachers, and students on the same day so that everyone is on the same page. Learn more here: https://www.celebratecalm.com/book-events/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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at CelebrateCalm.com. He will treat you so well. He has the best customer service on the planet. And if he doesn't treat you well, email me and I will scream at him. So anyway, here's what I wanted to do. I wanted to do a quick Q&A, five or six questions that we've gotten from parents or teachers and do this as quickly as I can because I really value your time as a parent and as a teacher. So this all comes from this. It comes from an email that I actually got today. I wasn't planning on doing a podcast, but I got an email from this mom and it was so awesome because she said, and I'm going to paraphrase this, but she said, my son came home the other day and he said, mom, this tall dude, this kid came in and spoke to us in a school assembly and it to us in a school assembly,

and it was actually a good school assembly, and all my friends liked it because he talked about how we could get more power in our lives. And that kid was my son, Casey. And he said, we need to have a code word, Mom, because you and I escalate, and we spiral out of control all the time because I know how to push your buttons, and you just react, and then you take stuff away from me, and I don't really like that, right? And said come up with a code word so the code word I want to start to use when we're escalating is circuit breaker and mom was like uh what does that mean he's like ah it's a fortnight character you won't understand but I want to break that

circuit so we can calm down because I'm tired of losing all of my stuff and I'm tired of you yelling at me. I was like, oh, this is kind of a cool approach. Then my son proceeds to tell me, mom, we listened to this guy's son today, but you really need to go tonight to the parent workshop because he's going to talk about how to control yourself and stop lecturing. I think you could really use that. And so the mom's like, I don't know whether to be offended by this or to look at him and say, like, that's pretty mature, pretty cool. So she ended up going to the workshop. She said, oh my gosh, I laughed. I took like three pages of notes and I really discovered I really need to control myself. And she said, I've been doing it and we've been using the code word and it's making a huge difference with my son. So she said the great thing was a couple of days later, I had a parent teacher conference at school and I discovered you had been to the school to actually talk to the teachers as well. So the cool thing was, for the first time

in my son's entire school history, I was on the same page with the teacher. We were talking about giving my son tools to succeed, about creating successes, about giving him tools, about positive affirmation that my son will just shut down if you get negative. And so she just said, I really think it's cool that you and your son can now reach kids, parents, and teachers all at the same time. And I was like, that's what we do. So by the way, if you're interested in that, reach out to the big tall kid, my son Casey, and just email him and say, hey, come to our school, come to our church, tell us the name of your school, church, organization, foster care agency, city, state, and he'll send you a proposal very, very quickly. By the way, he should get back to you within a couple hours. Now, sometimes we're

traveling maybe a little bit longer, but we're pretty responsive. And again, if he doesn't, tell me and I'll scream at him. So let's go through five or six questions. We'll do kind of like a lightning round thing. So teacher emails, hey, I've got this kid in my class who doesn't collaborate well with the other kids when we're doing group projects. And that's part of his grade. What do I do? And I said, I get it. A lot of kids don't like to collaborate. I don't like to collaborate. I don't. I like being, I'm an independent thinker. I like doing things by myself a lot. And I don't see that as a bad thing. And you know how your kids are, right?

These are kids who have a lot of, they have these very busy brains. It feels like things are out of control inside. Everything feels like it's out of their control, so they tend to be bossy and controlling. When you send them out to play with other kids, they can't play games well because they change the rules of the game. They cheat and they quit. And they're not always great at collaborating. So here's something I did with a teacher once.

They had a science class. They were doing science project. And so you had to get pair off with someone else and do this. Well, I knew this one kid, it just wasn't going to work for him. So I had the teacher go up and say, listen, I need your help because you're very creative and I need to document all these projects. Could you use my camera and walk around class and take pictures of all of the kids working on their science experiments together? And your job will be to kind of put this together, and then I'll send it out as an email to all the parents. Now, I love this because now he's engaged

in the class, right? He's doing something. He's a part of it, but you've given him, look, I'm a realist. If you know that pairing this child up with another student isn't going to work and it's going to irritate both of them, just create a success, right? Because now he's involved. He's doing something he's good at because he's creative. You're giving him a job to do. He's involved in it, but he's not irritating all the other kids and everybody wins so the teachers asked me one time well what do i put on his report card because in the rubric you know there's a thing for like collaboration and participation and i was like well why does that thing have to be so rigid, right? Why don't you put a new little block, a new little category in your rubric for independent worker? He works independently really well.

He has great critical thinking skills. He's curious. He's creative. He has initiative. Why do we have to be so boxed in in how we judge and rate kids according to performance? It's all arbitrary, right? What if you came up with a whole different rubric that based it on life skills necessary for success in life? Critical thinking skills, curiosity, initiative, creativity, independent thinking, independent working. That's what I would do. Question number two, how do I get my kids to be more responsible? Look, I can't answer all of that in a lightning round,

but I'll give you a great phrase that as teachers and parents, you need to begin using from your time your child is in your womb, which is this, I believe you're capable of doing this yourself. I believe you're capable of handling this yourself. I believe you're capable. And because I trust you, I'm not going to lecture you. I'm not going to micromanage you. I'm not going to fix it for you because I believe you're capable because you're really smart and you're going to wrestle with it and you're going to struggle and you may fail at first, but you know what you're going to do? You're persistent and you're going to overcome all of those challenges and it's going to feel really good at the end of the day,

at the end of the week, when you struggled and wrestled and you figured it out yourself, even if you have to touch that hot stove a few times, I believe you're capable. So start saying that to your kids. Question number three, got a student in my class, all he wants to do is read, right? And we're like, oh, I feel bad because I don't want to tell him, like, stop reading. So here's what usually happens in the classroom. Child pulls out his book in the middle of class because he's into it, and the teacher ends up saying something like, you know, put, listen, Jacob, put your book away. It is not time for that. Why can't you follow directions? And it will all become negative. And because these kids are kind of challenging, we kind of pile on and tell them everything that's

wrong with him. But look, what if instead of doing that, you looked at Jacob and said, Jacob, man, I love your curiosity. That book must be so interesting. Listen, right now, we've got to focus because we're starting a new unit in history on X. So I need you to pay attention. So do me a favor, put the book away, put it in your desk, but then here's what we're going to do after lunch i will give you an opportunity right after lunch to tell all the other kids in class about the book you're reading you know why because i love your curiosity and i love that you like to read and you like to learn and i want you to share that with your classmates because you know what i want them to share your passion for learning and reading and being curious.

But right now, we need to start on this new unit. Can you kind of hear that? I'm not dismissing him. I'm acknowledging that what he's doing is actually kind of a good thing. It's just not the appropriate time because we need to move on. And my voice, watch the enthusiasm was, I love your curiosity. The fact that you like to read is a good thing, and I love that, but it's not going to happen here. So when I redirect, when I go no, when I give consequences,

it's always in a very even matter-of-fact tone because kids can take that, but I never get into the negative tone because as soon as you start to get that lecturing, hectoring kind of tone, that kind of whiny, you know what? Why can't you ever just follow directions or do what I say? That's when your kids will shut down and they will tune you out, whether you're a teacher or a parent, and they will eventually incite, this is not meant to offend you, but eventually say, screw you, screw you, because you're misjudging my motives. Look, I'm just meant to offend you, but eventually say, screw you. Screw you. Because you're misjudging my motives. Look, I'm just trying to read a book.

Is it so bad? Right? And we just get on them. We're relentlessly negative with these kids. And I guarantee you, that student will respond when you acknowledge that you love his reading, but you redirect him. And then you're giving him an opportunity to share with the class, but it's not until after lunch, right? Does that make sense? Great question. Number four, hey, what about this? I do give kids different tools and specific jobs in class like you recommend,

but other kids are like, that's not fair. How come he gets the sensory strip and gets to refill the water bottle? That's not fair. So I have three or sensory strip and gets to refill the water bottle? That's not fair. So I have three or four responses for that. Number one, go with the one that you really want to do. You know what? Life isn't fair. Suck it up and deal with it.

I believe you're capable of dealing with it. Right? That's fine. Number two, true diversity. Opportunity to teach your students and your kids about the truest diversity on the planet, which is not skin color or nationality or all these things. That's assuming that all people of a certain color think the same way, and they don't. The truest diversity is diversity of brain styles and thinking styles. I want kids to know, you guys in my class, you have different brain types. And there's not one that's better than the other. They're different. And each brain

style and thinking style has its own corresponding strengths and weaknesses. So Sarah, you're awesome at sitting still all day and listening and memorizing information. When you go home, you can pound out your homework and you're done in an hour. But Jacob over here, man, he's got this busy brain and he's always coming up with ideas and that's why he blurts out and he struggles with short-term memory. He struggles in some ways, but man, when he gets interested in something, he actually has the ability to hyper-focus way better than everybody else. It's just a different brain style. So some of you, you need to sit still right in your seat and you take your test fine. But other kids in class, they need to sit underneath their desk. They need to move and they need to fidget a little bit.

You know why? Because everybody's brain is different and none are better than the others. They're just different. And we need both learning styles or how many ever you want to say there are. We need multiple learning styles to get a lot of things done. Third way. Now, this is a little bit tougher approach, but I like it sometimes. So once in a while at home or in class when someone's like, that's not fair. You let him get away with things. I come back with a very even matter of fact, very adult conversation say, you're absolutely right. It isn't fair. Life is not fair. Have you realized that you have so many advantages that Jacob doesn't have? Have you noticed that schoolwork is pretty easy for you? It's easy for you to sit in

class all day. You get your homework done very quickly. Nobody's yelling at you. You get up in the morning. You come to school. You know why? Because you have friends at school. You get invited to birthday parties. But have you ever noticed that Jacob, your classmate, your brother, you ever notice how often he's in trouble? Ever notice that it takes him three hours to do his homework? That he doesn't get invited to the birthday parties? That life feels like he's in trouble. Ever notice it takes him three hours to do his homework, that he doesn't get invited to the birthday parties, that life feels like he's swimming upstream? So no, it's not fair because you have a lot of advantages that this other kid doesn't have. And instead of feeling like, oh, it's not fair, maybe a little bit of gratitude is in order here, you little snot.

I'm kidding. You don't add that last part. You can just think it, right? But sometimes you have to call your kids out and talk to them like adults and say, yeah, it's not fair. You have all of these advantages that he doesn't have right now. So yeah, would you like to walk a day in that kid's shoes? Because I don't think that you really would. And that will provide perspective for kids. And here's the fourth response, which is this. Kids know. They know from the first day of school that that little Jacob or kid who comes running into the classroom, they know he's going to be trouble.

They know since first grade, he's been playing with their face and hair and getting all up in their business. So by the time you finally get around to giving him special jobs in the classroom to create successes, you know what they're really thinking? Thank God. It's about time you gave the kid a job and created a success. I could have told you that three years ago. Stop yelling at the kid and instead give him some tools to succeed. That's truth because kids know the other kids that are difficult. Question number five. So I've got this kid and he gets upset in my classroom and I don't know how to calm him down without drawing attention to

him. And so how do you calm down a kid? So let me give you an example that I used in a real life situation. So this was a kid. He'd gotten upset, he'd thrown something in the classroom, and then he dove right underneath his desk. And now he's there. And so typical teacher response, which is what we've all been taught is, you get down, you look him in the eyes, you're like, Jacob, what's the matter, buddy? What's the matter? And what the child hears is, what's the matter with you? What's wrong with you? By the way, never look kids in the eyes when they're upset. Just don't. So I remember I was in a classroom because I've spent a lot of time in classrooms and I asked the teacher if I could handle it. So I walked up to the kid and I'll show you two different ways to handle this. One is I just walked up, no eye

contact. And I said, Jacob, listen, I'm new to this class and I really want to draw. Could you do me a favor? Could you help me find the crayons or the drawing pencils because I'd really love to draw something with you because I've seen by your paper on your desk that you're really good at doodling and drawing and I'd like to draw with you. And what I was doing was in that even matter of fact tone, I wasn't drawing attention to his behavior. I was giving him a specific job and giving him an out, a way to come out from underneath that desk without feeling ashamed in front of the whole class. And I gave him a job. And once I gave him a job, he was calmed down and we could go back and get to the root of the issue. Another way to handle it as a teacher is

this. So I'm teaching in class and I know that I've got a student and he's hiding under his desk and he's not bothering anybody. He's not playing with anybody, hitting anybody under the desk. But I go on and I teach. And it may sound like this. Guys, remember the Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776. Listen, Jacob, when you're ready, if you could refill my water bottle, really help me out. And the Constitution was not signed until 1787. So I didn't draw a lot of attention to him.

I went on teaching the class, but as a little aside, I gave him a job to do to save face and just said, hey, when you're ready. You know I love that phrase, in this situation, when you're ready releases the strong-willed child to actually do what you want him to do, whereas standing over him saying, you need to get up from underneath your desk right now, virtually guarantees he's going to dig in. But when I go on teaching, don't draw attention, don't give eye contact, give him a job and say, hey, when you're ready to do this, I just released him to do it. I hope that makes sense. Sixth question. I wasn't going to do six, I was going to do five, but let's go with it. So this is a good one from teachers and parents are like, oh, I've got this kid who's really active and he's like always all over other kids. He's being really aggressive. You know what I hear? I hear sensory issues. Kids whose bodies

are physically craving pressure if they don't get that need met in the morning before they come to school. When they get to school and they walk into the classroom and see a few boys in the back of the classroom, guess what's going to happen? Rumble time because their bodies are physically craving pressure. So I encourage parents, create a little obstacle course. It only costs $10. Make it with, like, leftover stuff out in the backyard or the basement. And every morning when you wake your child up, especially little kids, say, hey, I'm going to hide your breakfast in the backyard in the middle of your obstacle course. Bet you can't find it.

I guarantee you so many of your kids would love to do a treasure hunt, go into obstacle course in the morning. I don't care. Hide their clothes out in the middle of it. Who cares? Let them eat outside. You know who loves to eat outside? Kids. You know why?

Because then their parents aren't there badgering them all morning, and their brother and sister aren't irritating them, and they can go out and eat with the dog. They can go out and eat out of the dog's dish. I don't care. But they can go out and eat with the squirrels and the rabbits and the birds, and they can be outside happily eating away in the middle of their obstacle course, and by having to crawl under things and over things and through things,

it provides that sensory pressure. And they're happy as a clammy. You know what the side benefit is, mom and dad? You don't have to listen to their annoying little voices because they're outside. Anyway, it's an idea, a creative one. If you want a hundred more of these, a thousand more of these creative ideas,

call my son Casey or email him. We will come to your school. And the coolest thing is we are able to, on the same day, train parents, teachers, and students so that everybody is on the same page. And it makes a huge difference. I hate saying this, but our teacher training is the best teacher training in the country. Most teacher training is boring. It's all theory, and none of it actually works. Not none of it, but very little of it, and it bores teachers to death. Our teacher training is not only practical, it's science-based, but it works in the classroom, and it's funny.

And teachers love it. And our parent training is fantastic. And my son's school is, anyway, email Casey, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at celebratecalm.com and just say, come to our school or our church or our foster care organization or adoptive care anywhere. I don't care where it is. It doesn't matter what kind of school. Last week, we were in a public school, private school, Catholic school, Jewish school, and Islamic school.

I don't care what it is. As long as there are parents and teachers that need to be helped, we'll go there. So anyway, thank you for listening. Put some of these things into practice this week and let me know how it goes. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.