Calm Parenting Podcast - Q&A: Sibling Fights, Unhappy Kids, Parents with Control Issues, Kids Throwing Things

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

Q&A: Sibling Fights, Unhappy Kids, Parents with Control Issues, Kids Throwing Things On Facebook today, I asked parents what they were struggling with most and promised I’d record a special podcast to address their answers. We cover a lot of ground in a short podcast so please listen and share with others. Our Christmas Clearance Sale Ends This Weekend! Take advantage of the Lowest Prices of the Year at https://celebratecalm.com/christmas-clearance Go to https://www.HelloFresh.com/calmfree and use code calmfree for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. Get your kids something they will actually LOVE, use, and look forward to getting all throughout the coming year. Build your child’s confidence NOW! Visit https://crunchlabs.com/CALM and get your kids CrunchLabs today! A Revolutionary Baby Monitor is Born. Visit https://www.masimostork.com/ to learn more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So I posted on Facebook today and asked parents, what are you struggling with most? And I promised to record a quick podcast to address these issues. So please keep in mind, these are quick answers. I hope you find them helpful. And I do ask you to give me a little bit of leeway here for some slightly flippant or different kind of answers that I haven't given before. For those who don't know, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

You can find us at Celebrate Calm. Let us know if you need anything. We'll help you out. So here's the first question. How do you get over not feeling like you need everybody to be happy and not feeling like you're responsible for everyone's happiness? Answer. Look, if you go through the Straight Talk for Stressed Out Moms program,

which you should, we do a lot on this because it's so important. But for right now, here are a couple ideas for you. One, why does this trigger you so much? Why do you feel responsible for everybody else's happiness? Like when you were a child, did you have to step up and be the ultra responsible one? Sometimes that happens when you have parents, maybe a parent who's an alcoholic, or maybe you were raised by one parent. You kind of had to step up and be the parent. Did you learn that your mom and dad gave you extra attention and acceptance when you overachieved or were responsible? I just encourage you, there's no guilt, blame, anything. Just dig into the root of this so you can kind of come up with what's the trigger here that caused you to be so moved

and need everything to be just so, or need like at family gatherings that you just had or may have upcoming of, oh, I've got to make sure everything's just fine. I got to have all the table laid out the right way and anticipate Aunt Joan's issues or my sister's or my sister-in-law's or my husband's. What is driving that? I'd ask you to intentionally practice not making everybody happy. When you feel compelled next time you feel compelled or kind of like this little guilt thing into doing something.

Catch yourself and don't do it on purpose. Do less. Don't fix everything in your home or when your relatives get together. Purposefully step back from it. Let it unfold. Get comfortable with imperfection. Get comfortable with the fact you don't have to be in control. See if that's the root of it, right? Like I've got to make sure everybody's happy because that gives me some measure of control. Really work on that. It's a new habit that you're building inside, but I want

you to intentionally not make everybody happy. Here's a quick little, maybe you can start saying this in your head. You are responsible to your child, but not for your child. You are responsible to your spouse, but not for your spouse's happiness. See, I'm responsible to be patient, kind, compassionate, giving. I'm responsible to model how to handle frustration and disappointment in life. But I'm not responsible for my child's or spouse's moods and happiness in life. I hope that helps us practice that. See how we do it. Question. I would love to hear how you would handle a four-year-old belittling and putting siblings and peers down with his words. This child's good at building with Legos,

creating things out of recycled materials. Pretty cool for a four-year-old. Listening to audio books, looking at books, playing with kinetic sand and sensory bins. Well, look, when I hear that, I just want this kid with his hands in stuff all the time. I want him listening to an audio book

while he's creating things. And this is when he's 7 and 8 and 14. That would be awesome. So look, when kids are putting down other kids, this is usually a slightly insecure kid who doesn't feel good about himself. And he has to put others down to make himself feel better about himself. Even at age 4, it's pretty normal in some kids. We had all these kind of kids at our camp. And you know when kids will one up another kid? Well, I called our kids like seven uppers. So if another kid was like, well, I have 23 Yu-Gi-Oh cards, one of these kids

would be like, oh yeah, well, I have 700. I was like, no, you don't. But it's this insecure thing. And I hear it also in 40-year-old men. But it's also, right, some of the insecurities. So here are a few ideas. One, keep encouraging your four-year-old, your seven, your 15-year-old to use his or her particular gifts and passions. Now, don't overpraise your kids. I don't want to go overboard with it. Oh, you were so amazing at that. Your friends

can't do that. None of that. Just matter of factly, you state what's true. Wow. It's really creative. It's really cool how you took that thing that I was going to throw away and turned it into something practical. It's awesome. Hey, you're really good at building things from scratch. I love how you can picture things in your brain and see things in three dimensions. It's really cool. See, it's just a true statement. And it just, I want to build confidence. And that's part of the way you do that, is giving kids things to do that they're naturally good at doing. So number two, this may sound odd, but you asked what I'd tell a four-year-old. And I'll tell you first what I would not say. I would not lecture, and I wouldn't use that condescending, extra sweet voice that so many parents use now.

Honey, you know, it's not nice to talk to people like that. Ugh, your child already knows that. And this tone sounds icky and condescending. I think I'd be more direct and blunt. Hey, you know, when you do that, you kind of sound like a jerk. And I know you don't want to. Look, that's not being mean. It's just being honest and true and insightful. Yet when you talk to your friend or your sister like that, it just makes you sound like a jerk. Here's what I found in life. People tend not to like it when other people talk to them like that. I have no problem even just saying like, hey, look, that makes you sound like

a jerk. Because it does. And sometimes these kids need a more direct style of communication. You don't have to walk in a room and say, you know, you're a selfish jerk. No wonder nobody likes you. I didn't say that. I just said when you talk to other people like that, it makes you sound like a jerk. Or when you talk to other people like that, what I found in life is, it's not like to hang out with people who do that. That's giving insight and it's true. Number three, let your child experience the natural backlash from brothers, sisters, and other kids who reject him or her and say something to them.

Look, some of our kids are stove touchers and they need to learn the hard way. It's hard for you as a parent because you don't want your child to feel hurt, but sometimes it's a really effective way to learn. And then finally, I would just model being a gracious, giving person in your everyday life. Let them see how you talk to people, how you're gracious to say, man, you're really good at that. Could you show me how to do that? And eventually they will learn. Okay, sibling thing, right? I don't know how to foster love and tolerance, and I'm not sure what's normal and what's going to affect their adult sibling relationships negatively. A couple thoughts. One, you're not going to get your kids to love each other. It's not even my goal. I just want siblings to not murder each other. But moms and dads, let go of that. Well, I just want my kids to get along,

and I want them to appreciate each other. They're not going to, and that's okay. And maybe they will when they grow up and they mature a little bit. But when they're kids, I mean, I was kind of in a competition. I had three brothers. I'm competing for them with them for food, especially after my parents got divorced. We didn't have a lot of money. And so we didn't have a lot of different food, especially if my mom, our big thing was my mom would bring McDonald's home. And that was a huge deal, but she couldn't afford a lot. So it was like a one large fry. So I was competing. I hadn't learned the principle yet that it's good to put other people first. So I wanted to go for the French fries. Usually I lost because I had two older

brothers and they'd pound me. So I let go of that. I just want them not to murder each other. I'd encourage you, watch this in all of our parenting stuff, projecting into the future. Well, I'm just concerned what's going to happen 15 years from now. I can't control that. So let that go. And that's going to be random anyway. I've got three brothers. My younger brother and I, really close, talk a lot, text all the time. And I'm pretty close to my older brothers, but I didn't hang out with them as much. And I have a different relationship with each of my brothers. If I'm going through something or something's important, I will talk to the different brothers about

different things. So let go of some of that projecting into the future. Let's deal with it, what we have going on right now. One, kids pick fights. Why? One, it's normal. Two, it's a need for brain stimulation. I'm bored. I pick on my sibling and guess what? They react and now my brain's stimulated because I am controlling the behavior of another human being. It's kind of fun. I'll show you what to do with that in a minute. Sometimes it's from resentment. I don't feel good about myself and I've got this perfect brother and my mom and dad like my sibling better than they like me. Well, guess what? I'm going to pick on that sibling. That's human nature. So in this case, the mom

on Facebook said, hey, it's from my almost 14 yearold, kind of my pot stirrer. Well, if I've got a pot stirrer, here's what my first thought is. I've got to give him a different pot to stir and usually one not in my home. That child's looking for, needs a bigger mission, needs some brain stimulation. So one of my favorite things to do, and you're going to hear me say this and you're going to reject it because it sounds weird, go to a neighbor if you have one, if you live in a neighborhood, and find an older couple or someone who will give your child a job to do, especially if they talk to your child directly. Hey, Jacob, I need your help. Come down to my house. I need you for 15 minutes. Your kids are usually awesome for other people, just not you.

If you get an older couple in the neighborhood who asked your almost 14 year old to come help them do something, our kids like to feel helpful. They like being around older people. One, because older people listen to them and give them all their attention. Why? Because they don't have anything else to do, partially. And because they're this older couple whose kids are probably gone, and so your 14-year-old is very novel to them, and he brings this cool teenage energy, and it brings them back to their own teenage years, and it brings them back to being a parent,

but they don't have all their anxiety about your 14-year-old because he's not your kid, and so their conversations with him are probably very natural. And now your 14 year old has the intention of another adult who's not telling him to do his chores and to do his homework and all these other things. And he's helping them. There's something very magical about seeing, I'll throw this in, about having something to give to someone else, to know that you're valuable. So I like at that age, when your kids get into that preteen and teen years, mission and mentor.

I want them out of the home. I want them doing something for a neighbor in your community, at school, church, synagogue, mosque, wherever it is, doing something for someone else, serving other people. Because what that does is I get out of my own head and my whole world isn't just about me, which is normal for teenage years. Everything's in the moment. And so I want to get them out of that. So service projects, feeding the homeless, doing something for an older couple down the street, starting their own little business. Find any mentor that you can. It doesn't have to

be an official mentor. Any other older person or adult who can give them some kind of job to do and says, oh, I could really use your help. That gives your child something to focus on. It gets them out of the home for a little bit, and space is really important. I like giving kids space from each other. It's unnatural to think that a family with two, three, four, five, six members is going to spend all their time together and just always enjoy it. That's not realistic and so having some space apart from each other is actually really helpful and that's what I'd look to do. Okay, question. Letting go of wanting to control everything, my 12-year-old daughter with my 12-year-old

daughter and assert my position. So I know this mom, she's a really good mom and she's working really hard at this. So kudos to your mom. You're an awesome mom. One, I don't need you and you don't need to assert your position. One, it doesn't work. It's one of those phrases like, well, I just need to confront this person about their behavior. Okay, good luck with that. I'm going to bet you $100,000 that it's not going to go well because people don't like to be confronted about their behavior. I can talk to them, but confronting people, it's just one of those things of, mom, let go. Why do you have to assert your position? You've been modeling good behavior for your daughter for 12 years. She's at that time of life where she needs to now integrate that into her own life. And she's going to push back. Why?

Because she needs space. And because kids at that age, and many of you have four-year-olds who are doing this, the strong-willed child wants to own it. They want to own their choices and decisions. And it's what you want ultimately because you're not raising a child, you're raising an adult.

And so this is a good time, mom, to step back a little bit and know, you know what, I've done my job. I've lectured my daughter about 8,000 times already by age 12. I don't need to do that anymore. So what I like to do when kids get to that age is give them context and perspective. So instead of, look, when they're little, I tell them what to do. Here's what you need to do.

When kids get older, I give them context and perspective. Hey, just something to think about. I found in life that when I do X or when people do X, it just tends to work better. Then you walk away and you give them space to consider your wisdom. You just drop some wisdom in their lap, but instead of standing over them, expecting them to say, mom, where did you get that wisdom? You're so smart. I can't wait to do what you want me to do. Instead, I step away and I put it in the child's court and now they wrestle with it on their own without you standing over them trying to make them do it

or be grateful for your wisdom. So let go of thinking that you can convince your daughter that your way is best. It doesn't work. It won't ever work. You've already done your job by modeling for her how to handle life. Continue to do that. Be a resource. Walk by. With teenagers, I don't talk a whole lot. I say short little concise phrases and then I walk out of the room because I'm basically dropping a little bit of wisdom and then I'm letting it sit there instead of going on and on and on. And I'm letting them incorporate it into their life. I like going low-key. Every time you want to lecture your child, instead praise her for a specific action or choice she's made lately or a specific attribute that she has. So you can still talk, but you shift from lecturing her

and trying to convince her that you're right. And even when you use this tone with a four-year-old or 14-year-old, it's really annoying. So stop it. It doesn't work. Be the grown-up. Be the adult. Talk to them like adults.

You're a really good mom. Just chill a little bit and stop asserting your position. So it's funny with the phrases people, you know, that we all use. Here's a good one. Getting teenagers to be helpful around the house and actually take responsibility for their chores. I've got a 15 year old who refuses to help or do anything in the house. I have two good options for you. Number one, go hardcore and declare martial law if simple things aren't done. This is that standard thing I do where I say, hey, here's the deal. I run three services in the home, a meal service, a taxi service, a laundry service. I'll do my three chores. You do your three chores. Or in

the case of a strong-willed child, half a chore because that's better than the zero that they're doing now. But it's very clear of, hey, you do your chores. I take care of my responsibilities, right? Even you don't. I don't take you to soccer practice. I don't take you to buy food. I'm not doing these things for you.

And so that is hardcore martial law, but with no drama. I'm just letting you know how things run in the house. I'd encourage you to create a written list of their chores or things you expect so you don't have to talk and annoy your child with your annoying voice because the teenage voice is annoying. And to a teenager, any adult voice just about as annoying. So I just don't talk a lot. There's no need to because otherwise it just provokes a lot of fights. And so if you lay that out very clearly, hey, I do three things around here. I asked you to do three things. You don't do your three things. I'm not going to take your place. I'm not going to feed you. Then just do what you said you were going to do with no drama, no lectures. You know what? I told you what to do. You know, we had a contract.

None of that. Just be matter of fact, keep your promises. I promised you that if X didn't get done, I wasn't going to do X for you. Now, here's my honest answer. It's not going to work for most of you because most of your kids don't really care. They'll just go and they'll steal car keys or they'll call a neighbor or their 17-year-old friend to come pick them up and take them to get food. So here's my honest answer with most strong-willed kids. I would let this go if they are responsible outside the home. And I'll just tell you our very real experience with Casey as a teenager. Casey was not that awesome as a kid. He was not that great around the house. What he was, was exceptionally responsible outside the home. What were we raising him to be?

A respectful man, young man in the real world. I'm not training him to be a good kid. This is a really good point, but I'm not going to go off on it too much because we don't have a lot of time. This is supposed to be short. I'm not raising a kid to be a responsible kid. I'm raising, you're raising your children to be responsible in the real world. And some of your kids are. They're just not that awesome at home. So by age 12, he already had a job and he was working pretty hard reffing ice hockey games. He showed up on time. He did the time clock well. He was respectful to his boss. He worked extra games. He worked really hard. He told his boss, because I told him this, I will do any game, ref, any game that you want that all the other refs don't want to officiate. I'll come in early, do the early

games nobody else wants to do. So guess what? He started being given, assigned a lot of games, making a lot of money. He also helped. There was an older couple down the street from us and he would go down to their house and help them because he was pretty tall and he could reach things. And they were older. They couldn't get up on stools and do things. And Casey loved that. They got along so well and he was helping them. And he also did work outside sometimes around the house, things that he was good at doing. And so here's what we said. We just said those are his chores.

His chores as a 12-, 14-, 15-year-old kid are to work a job, to help other people, and sometimes occasionally do stuff around the house or outside that he was good at doing. Now he's a 30 year old young man. He kicks butt in the real world. He is running the largest catering company in Jackson Hole, Wyoming while he works full time for me. Why?

Because he wasn't always an obedient kid or even a great kid in our home, but he always kicked butt in the real world. And that's what's important. So take that however you want to take it. What advice do you give your middle school child who constantly struggles with kids picking on him? He's not the sports kid, so he's in the minority. He has a few friends, they're just not any of his classes. Okay, a couple of things. This is very, very common. Most of the kids I work with, they do not do well in sports. If it's sports, it tends to be an individual sport like swimming, gymnastics, taekwondo, even ice hockey, which is a team, but it's also kind of very individual and very physical. They're good at very physical things. So here are a couple things. One, I would normalize that middle school

stinks. It is the hardest. I would tell my son, which is what I told my son, this is the hardest time of your entire life. Middle school stinks. It is an aberration. Middle school life will never happen again for the rest of your life ever. It's a weird time of life where everybody's hormonal, where you're in between being a little kid and being a grown-up. Everybody's awkward. It's weird. Don't worry about it. It is normal that it is okay that you are struggling with other middle school kids. It's normal and even preferable. You know why? Because middle school age kids don't have a lot of their stuff together. And the truth is that you are going to spend three years in middle school, but 60 years as an adult. And you don't necessarily like connecting with

middle school kids because they're dopey and they're into things that you're not really into and you are an old soul. You're better. Have you ever noticed that you get along really well with older people and older kids? By the way, our kids are also very good usually with younger kids and animals. And so guess what? When you're an adult, you get to choose friends of any age. Right now you're stuck kind of with idiot kids your own age that you're not interested in. So it's normal to gravitate toward older people or to hang out with the animals and little kids. I get that. But when you're adult, your friends are going to likely be older and more mature.

So just get through these years and know that it's going to be okay. And there's nothing at all wrong with you. And then I would also look for that mission and mentor thing we talk about. Letting him find his place and space. Finding a couple key friends. Having a teacher give him a job or get, here's a good one, give kids a special mission. Not a chore in school, but a special mission doing something they're good at, pulling your child aside and saying, oh man, Benjamin, you are awesome at doing X. Hey, could you, and Frankie over here, could you guys stay after class one day and help me with this project? Well, they like being helpful, especially things they're good at doing. And now the teacher just

paired him with another kid in class doing something special. I like that a lot. Another one was a general bad attitude for a preteen or teen. Again, fairly normal mission and mentor. Really, really helpful because it gets them looking outside of themselves. Final question, I believe. Oh, I have one where I just have the answer. Seriously, stop doing so much for your kids. I don't remember what the question was, but just try that this week. Stop doing so much for them kids. I don't remember what the question was, but just try that this week. Stop doing so much for them. And instead, look at your kids and say, I believe you're capable of doing that by yourself. I believe you're capable of handling that frustration.

It's a great phrase to use. So final one, this is a really good dad. And I like this dad has worked really hard on himself. His name's Scott. And I have a lot of respect for Scott. And if all the men out there worked as hard on themselves as Scott has, man, everything would be different in our society. So this is a good man. But he's got a seven-year-old who loses it and then starts slamming and throwing things. And of course he does because there's potential

damage to the home. But more of it is we get, and this dad said this, it's the uncontrolled anger and a fear that it can eventually escalate to more than just throwing pillows and slamming doors. And I get that, right? Especially around the holidays and know that your kids are off their schedule. They're extra tired like me. They're eating a lot of extra sweets and some different things. So they're just going to be off. So, you know, just take things, ratchet things down a little bit, ratchet your expectations down a little bit so everybody can chill. So a couple of things, because I know other parents want this one addressed. My friend here who asked this question, he already knows this one, but I'm

doing it for other people. Give intensity. When kids get intense, this is counterintuitive, but we often go and we start talking like this. Hey, it's okay. It sounds dismissive and sounds like you're not taking them seriously. I like giving kids intensity when they're intense, but I give them positive intensity. And I often validate in intense, oh man, are you? I'd be frustrated too. That is oftentimes very calming. Now here's a weird one. I've been through this on a lot of podcasts and all of our materials. We go through how to calm kids by doing something intense with them, whether that's doing jumping jacks or something very physical. I have a weird idea for you. And it's this. When they go and they

throw something, I want you to go and throw something off also. Just try it. There's something very therapeutic actually about throwing things. I can feel it myself. I know I'm the calm guy, but occasionally I get frustrated. And when I get over the top, you know what my first instinct is? I want to throw something. Like it's usually my phone, but I'm too cheap to throw it really hard because I don't want it to break because then I'll feel like an idiot and it'll cost a lot of money to break it. And I didn't buy the warranty for it. So if I throw it and I have done this, I will often throw it at the sofa. You know why? Because the sofa is soft and I'm not an idiot. When I lose it, I try to stay a little bit under control. But there's something very therapeutic about throwing

something. So I was doing this phone consultation with this couple weeks ago and I said, hey, I've got an idea for you, which is weird. But think about this. This is in a situation where your child goes from like zero to 100 very quickly. And you can't have that talk of like, hey, let's identify your feelings, which doesn't work anyway. And so in that moment, I want to match the intensity. So I told this couple, I was like, you almost always have eggs in the fridge. Go grab a couple eggs from that cart in the fridge and say, hey, follow me.

There's some intensity there. There's purposefulness. And then you go outside and you throw those eggs against something, especially if it's not going to cause the siding of your house to be discolored or hurt somebody else's car. Throwing eggs is kind of cool because it feels good in your hand. You throw it, it splats, and there's something about that. I know that may be weird, but you could set up some things in your basement, in your backyard, where you have cans set up and you throw, you have some tennis balls out there and you throw them and you knock those cans off because it feels good. There's something concrete about hitting something off of something else. You get the sound, you get the, you know, even hitting something, you know, punching bag,

all those things are great. Even feeling that like vibration in your hand, the sound of it, completing a task sometime. That's why I have for a lot of our kids, shoveling mulch, digging holes, doing very physical work is very, very therapeutic. And this is why I love one of our ideas you'll hear if you listen to the dad's program is for a dad to come home from work one day or come out of his home office, say, guys, I am frustrated. I had a really hard day at work. I'm so PO'd. All these things have been going wrong in my day. Will you guys do some pushups with me? And I guarantee you, if dad gets down on the floor, moms, you can do this too, but I like doing this with dads, is dad gets down on the floor and

starts doing pushups. I guarantee you, little on the floor and starts doing push-ups. I guarantee you, little kids are going to start doing push-ups with him. Now, your strong-willed child is going to be like, bet you can't do 20, dad. Get down lower. Can I hop on your back? If they're not too heavy, just do it. And here's what's cool. The dad in the home has now just modeled what?

Things don't always go my way. I get frustrated. I'm disappointed. And instead of throwing things and hitting things and yelling at people and slamming the front door, my dad does his push-ups or whatever it is that you do physically. That's great modeling. But for the dad who asked this, I think I try both the intensity of the positive intensity. I'd be frustrated too. And then let's do something like grabbing a couple eggs or having a plan. I like thing. I like to have things, you know, your child is like this. So have a plan for how to deal with the, when he's emotionally on fire,

it's like having a plan in your home. Hey, if our home catches on fire, here's our plan. Here's our escape plan. You practice it. This is what we do. So when someone is emotionally on fire in the home, how do you handle that? Okay, I got to stop. This ended up being 30 minutes. I hope you find this helpful. I will put this on the Facebook page for those who were on there. I know there are some people who asked some other questions and I will get to those on maybe another podcast. But if we can help you in any way, reach out to our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, CelebrateCalm.com. He'll help you out. We do have our Christmas sale. We're going to extend it. Why? Because why not? And look, even if we don't, just email Casey and say, hey, I need your resources. Here's my budget. Here's what I can do.

Can you work with me? And Casey's answer will always be, of course I can work with you because you're not my mom and dad. Because he's like your kids. I'm kidding, but he will help you. So hey, if we can help you with anything else, please let us know. Love you all. Bye-bye.