Calm Parenting Podcast - Q&A With 5 Odd Answers To Tough Questions

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

Q&A With 5 Odd Answers To Tough Questions How do you get kids to do their chores without reminding them 18 times? What do you do when a child flat out defies you and disregards your instructions? What should you do when your teenager doesn’t do their school work or go to sports practice? Should we force our teenager to go on family vacation or is it okay to leave him with family? How do we get a child to do uncomfortable things like take pills or wear a back brace without arguing every day? I hope these creative (odd!) answers inspire you to think differently and experiment with creative solutions. Questions? Need help? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally.  Get the tools you need to FINALLY stop the yelling and power struggles at https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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your instructions? What should you do when your teenager doesn't do their homework or go to their sports practice? Should we force a teenager to go on family vacation or is it ever okay just leave them with family, right? How do we get a child to do uncomfortable things like take pills or wear a back brace without arguing about it every single day? That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your kids, ages of the kids.

What do you struggle with most? Or tell us about you. One of my favorite things to do is help parents break generational patterns and get over all of the triggers that you have. That's huge. So tell us about it. We talk about it as a family. We respond back to you personally and usually very quickly.

Why? Because that's our family mission to help you do these things. So if you need help booking a live event, because we're doing a lot of live free workshops around the country, ask Casey about it and we'll come to your town. That would be cool to meet you in person. And if you ever need help financially with any of our products, just let Casey know. We're here to help. So I wanted to do a kind of a bonus podcast with some very different questions, but really some different

answers. Because when I'm mentoring people and doing phone consultations or just answering emails from people who listen to the podcast, we get all kinds of questions. And I don't like to give the standard answers because they tend not to work with strong-willed kids. You know this. It usually backfires. How many of you had a more compliant child first, and you were like, wow, we are such good parents? And then you had the strong-willed child, and you're like, we don't know anything anymore. So I want to share a few odd answers in order to inspire you to think differently, to challenge your assumptions, and experiment doing it in a different way. Now, I'm not saying that these answers are the right

ones in every situation. There are always other options that are tougher or softer or just different, but I thought these might help you see things in a slightly different way. So five questions, five answers. Question number one, how do we stop from constantly having to remind her daughter to do chores and little tasks? For example, we homeschool, so I'll say, Rebecca, it's 8 a.m. I need you to have the dishes done by 9 a.m. so we can start school. And then every 10 minutes, I'll remind her, right? And then inevitably at 9 a.m., I end up saying, you know what? You're not going to have enough time to

finish your job now and we have to start school. So you're going to lose screen time this evening. Then she will proceed to lose her mind, scream and pitch a fit, make everybody in the house miserable. So I get your frustration. These are simple requests. It shouldn't be a big deal. But here are some ideas and I encourage you to experiment with these. You know what? One of my favorite ones is, is to sometimes make the chore, which is seemingly so easy, more difficult because some of our kids, they like their brain to be stimulated. So when we have these kids at our camps, I would give them chores, but I'd have them

do them blindfolded or backwards just to make it a challenge. Can you change the chore that you want her to do so it's a little bit more of an adult type job? Because many of our kids do better with that and we're raising adults, not kids, right? So maybe start with something that's a guaranteed win if that even exists. Here is one that I really want you to think about. There are applications for this in lots of different areas. What I know about strong will kids is they don't like being watched. They don't want you standing over them at homework time. They don't want you watching

them because often they fail and they get tired of being watched while they're failing. So think about this. If you could give your child a challenge to say, hey, bet you can't get this done before I come downstairs, right? Before I'm ready in the morning, before I'm in the room. So maybe while you're getting ready or you're in the shower, or maybe your daughter gets early with dad and does it with dad, right? Try that because it could be really interesting to see how she responds to that. Look, some of these things I'm looking to learn about my child because if this mom's daughter actually does that, well, now we just got some big insight. We're going to give her a lot of space and ownership

of when and how she does her chores and homework and schoolwork because we know that she naturally does it better when she's not being watched. Here's another idea. Have hubby handle it. Can hubby give this instruction to your daughter? Right? Because one of the toughest parts of homeschooling is that your voice just gets used so much. You have to be the mom, the teacher, the principal, and it's endless. So having a different voice sometimes cuts through the clutter and helps. There's also this, you're naturally exhausted and frustrated by all of this, which you should be because you're doing this dozens of times a day and that's

partly why it does help to have hubby help with this because he may not be as frustrated with that because he doesn't have to give dozens of instructions a day. So his tone's going to be different. Your daughter will respond differently to that. See, because when you're frustrated, it changes your tone. And once your tone changes, kids start to shut down. So let's just try changing your tone. Fake it a little bit. Be positive, upbeat, non-frustrated tone. Give some energy to your voice.

Now let's do this one. Roll with me on this. I want you to try this and I already know your objections to it but I'm gonna tell you to do it anyway. What if you did the dishes with her while you asked her about some things that she's curious about? You take an interest in something she's interested in while you're doing the dishes with

her. Yes, I know she needs to learn how to listen and follow directions and do chores and do things that you don't want to do because life's filled with things you don't want to do. I know all those things. But then again, the instruction you're giving her of doing the dishes is arbitrary and it's not working. So I'm curious about her response if you did it this way. And then here's one more. Change the timeline. See, saying, hey, you need to get this done in the next hour. time isn't compressed enough. See, a lot of neurotypical people, type A people maybe, or compliant people would say, well, I'm just going to go ahead and get my chores done by 8.07 because then it's done and I can move on. That's very, very smart. But there are other people like me who think, I've got an hour. That's a long way away.

What else can I do in between that time? And then procrastinate and then end up frustrated because you didn't get it done. So you could change the timeline to having it be done in the next seven minutes or 17 minutes. Or you could have a new tradition in your home, which at eight o'clock or eight oh seven, make it interesting. You play three songs that your kids really like and everybody does a different chore while those songs are playing and you're dancing a little bit and you're, you're, um, you're singing a little bit, or you could switch it up and play some really intense music like Metallica and mess with that homeschool vibe.

Okay, question number two. I will tell my son, Jacob, I need you to play in the living room, but get out of the kitchen, stay out of the kitchen while I make dinner. He then proceeds to come up with every reason in the world why he needs to come into the kitchen, or he'll just continue to cross the boundary of the kitchen. It reminds me of those of you who have kids who you will say like, hey, no feet on the sofa. And they will hold their foot a hundredth of a centimeter off the sofa and then tap it with their heel and then argue with you that you said foot, but you didn't specifically say heel, right? Because that's what they do. So here's my answer. I want you to try this. I know again, it's maybe a little bit odd,

but next time you do this and your son comes back in the kitchen, smile and say something like this. You know what? So glad you came back in. I missed you. And then turn and begin cooking again. Or engage him and say, you know what? I'm glad you came back in because here's what I wanted to ask you.

And let's see what he does after that. Again, I know you let him break your rules, but I'm curious what his response is and what yours ultimately is. Because watch, there's a whole dynamic. I'm not blaming. I don't do blame and guilt. I'm not blaming you. Well, you're so rigid and you're so anxious about this because he can't follow directions. He's going to be unsuccessful in life, even though he's seven. And that's causing him to. I'm not saying that, but I am kind of saying that sometimes we do that, right? We feed some of these things.

And it's like, it's like those kids, they're strong willed. But sometimes we're really strong willed. And it's like, we feel like we have to win. It's not about winning. It's about building a relationship and teaching your kids and learning how their brains work. And some of us dig in so much, we almost create that dynamic. Again, I'm not saying you're doing that because you're not. You're just saying like, hey, stay in the living room because I'm cooking. I need my time alone in here. And I'm great with that. But let's play

along with this and just see what happens. Do the opposite of what you normally would do. And let's see what his response is. And see if for some reason he looks up at you, smiles, and then turns around and goes back out. See, because sometimes kids are looking for a connection. They need the intensity. And when we feed that, it's enough. And then they leave. Just right. Question number three. We have a daughter who's 10. She's got scoliosis. We've made really good progress. But she will have to wear a brace 21 hours a day for the next several years. She's a really active kid, but she ends up playing the blame game. You're so mean. You're ruining my life. This brace ruins my life. Everything sucks because I have to wear this brace. Don't get mad at me. The parent used that word. Some of you are sensitive to that. She brings up the same arguments all the time. So I clearly haven't found a way to help the situation. So here's what I want you to

try the next time. Completely agree with her because the truth is it is unfair. It does, sorry for the word, it does suck. It's really uncomfortable. It looks stupid. It's ruining her day. Whatever she says, agree with and validate her because her feelings are correct. I don't want to wear a back brace one hour a day, let alone 21 hours a day for the next several years. So stop. This isn't for you, mom and dad, but for all of us, stop trying to convince

our kids otherwise. Oh honey, it's not a big deal, right? It'll be okay, you'll get used to it. No, I'm not gonna get used to it. It's really uncomfortable. And I'm a kid, and I'm concerned with how I look, and now my clothes probably look funny, and I can't wear certain clothes

because I have to wear the stupid back brace at school. And maybe I get made fun of a little bit. I don't know if that's happening. But stop trying to convince her. Or we try to convince her, well, honey, you know, it's really important because, well, I know it's important. Okay, it's important for her health. But we're talking about a kid.

They're not thinking three or five or 30 years in the future because they're invincible. They're thinking about right now. So I encourage all of us, stop trying to convince your kids because, see, it's her arguing that makes you uncomfortable. And you're like, well, I haven't found a good answer. There is no good answer. It's a really bad situation, right?

So I would rather respond with you know what if I were you I hate wearing that stupid thing all the time too in fact I admire you when you do wear it it's one of my favorite qualities about you honey you can push through when you want I love that strong will because other kids they give up but you don't. You push through and I admire that spunk. I admire that spirit. See that that's affirming her in a good way and it's also validating yeah this stinks right and then maybe you drop it and just see what she does. Now, here's another idea. Maybe since she has to wear something really uncomfortable for her health, remember, and

we're trying to convince her that it's really important. Well, maybe you and your husband agree to do something you don't want to do every day for your health, like a certain number of push-ups or sit-ups or changing your diet. So she's not alone in this. And you are modeling, yes, we sacrifice in the short term for health and gains in the long term. See, she will see you doing something you don't like that ultimately helps you become more healthy. See, maybe, and maybe this, maybe since she's active, you allow her to design your new workout routine

so she can make you uncomfortable, right? And then you can say with a grimace and a smile, you're mean, you're ruining my life. This exercise is so hard. See, you can turn that into something where you're bonding and everybody in the family is doing something uncomfortable. Maybe one of the uncomfortable things is learning how to stop lecturing or yelling and breaking generational patterns, right? Your message to her is that this

will help her in the long run, but she's a kid, so she doesn't care about that. So do something that helps you in the long run, like exercising, eating something healthy. I really like that idea actually a lot. Question number four. So this family has a strong-willed teenager and they've struggled to motivate the child for years. It's one thing after another with poor grades, missing assignments, not going to sports practice and that leads to losing strength strings screen. So one day, the mom went for a walk with the dogs, and she texted me, and she said, hey, I left a note on the front door and said, hey, you can't do anything with your phone, with TV, with any screens. You

can go outside to do workout. You can go to your practice, but the mom got a text from the sibling saying, hey, he didn't go to practice practice and he's really angry. So mom texted me and said, what should I do when I get home? And I gave an answer that I rarely give. And it was this, mom, proceed with your evening and try to enjoy it without trying to fix this situation, without trying to improve it, without addressing it because you've addressed some of these things literally hundreds of times. And the truth is your child has choices to make and they make them and they live with the consequences. And it's not up to you to explain over and over and over again and make your child do things.

So this night, just roll with this. Mom, what do you want to do tonight? Do you want to read a favorite book? Do you want to watch a movie, a video? Do you want to meet a friend for an hour? Do you want to work out? What do you want to do? And I don't know why that hit me in the moment, but I figured it must be important.

So don't revolve the entire night around once again trying to fix your child, fix the behavior, fix the situation, somehow motivate that child. Go enjoy your night. He doesn't have to go to the workouts, but if he doesn't, then his activities at home are limited. It's just the way that you roll. He can be angry all night and that's his choice, but you're not responsible for changing your child and changing their mood when they make a choice, right? Again, this is not a situation in which the child is punching holes in the wall, getting violent, and hitting siblings, right? That's different. So understand the context. But in this case, it's like, just go enjoy your

night. Do something you want to do. Be happy. And here why. Well one reason is you just have to do that because that's good for you and everything doesn't have to revolve around your child and you're not responsible for fixing everything because the truth is you haven't been able to do it in the past all the time and maybe when you go and get your workout or spend an hour, 30 minutes with a friend having a cup of coffee or tea or a drink or just hanging out laughing, you get some clarity. Maybe when you come home from your walk or whatever you're doing, maybe when you come home, you have clarity and you can see the situation and you're not tense and you're not on edge and you're not feeding into that child's thing and you can address them in an even matter of fact way and you can problem solve. Or maybe you don't do

any of that and you just come home and you're happy and you had a good night and you're worthy of doing that. That is your right to do. Your life doesn't end when you have kids, right? There's a balance here. And maybe the whole goal of the night was you just sent the message that I do the right thing and I do some things that are important for me and that changed my mood and maybe you'll end up drawing your kids to you. But that doesn't even matter

because the end goal of it all could just be that you just had a really nice night with your friend and that's enough. And you don't have to justify. You don't, moms especially, especially moms, because you do everything for everybody else. You don't have to justify doing something for yourself. You don't have to apologize for that. Just go do it, right? Look, one quick thing. You're listening to a parenting podcast. You're not a selfish person, right? The people who are really bad parents don't listen to my podcast. I'm kidding. But they don't listen to podcasts. You're a conscientious person listening to a podcast.

You engage me. You're paying me for phone consultations and to mentor you. What that tells me is you're engaged and you want more than anything else for your family and for things to work well and to help your child. So you're not a selfish person by nature, right? So go do that thing for yourself. Question number five. So this is a family. They've got a teenage soul whose teenage son who's like an old soul. He's very happy on a farm, right? And so they're taking a family vacation to Disney. And so this mom, like all good moms, all good dads, it's like she wants him to come on family vacation because in my mind, that's what a family vacation is, a family being together. But she wrote and said he can make everybody miserable when he's not interested.

So he doesn't want to go to Disney. And we have the option of having him stay on the farm with my sister. Or we can force him to go along despite knowing he will suck the magic right out of, right out of the magic kingdom, right? And it hurts my heart to not have him with us. Can you hear that? You probably feel that as a mom, right? Now dads, I'm not gonna, I shouldn't say this, but it's always, dad will be like, yeah, let's just leave him, please. Can we just leave the kid at home, right? But mom, it like hurts your heart, right? That's what I love about moms is you feel everything so deeply. It doesn't mean dads don't feel that too, but we don't, right? But also none of us want to endure the pain of taking, and I love this line, a 65-year-old farmer in a 12-year-old's body to Disney World. So my response was, trust your instincts, mom. They're good. Your son will be happy and content on the farm while the rest of you are happy and content

enjoying a peaceful vacation. Don't be afraid to do things differently and do what works for your family. Stop giving in to all those other people who judge you. They don't live walking your shoes. They don't live with your family and your kids. Do what you know is right for your family. Look, we have this thing with our kids. We project our own stuff onto our kids, right? It's like, well, I think my son's really sad because he or my daughter because they don't have a lot of friends and I have a lot of friends and that makes me happy. Well, that makes you happy and that's really good for you. But there's some of us who don't want to have a lot of friends. See, I'd rather have a few really good friends and have very deep friendships with a few people.

But I don't want to have a lot of friendships. I like alone time. It really helps me. And so you could perhaps look at me and say, oh my gosh, you must be so sad not having all the friends I have. I'm like, nope, I'm really happy with that, right? And so knowing that your child would be happy,

it's perfect, that's what you want, right? Train up a child in the way he should go, not the way you want them to go. Know your child, right? There's no need to force something just because that's what you're supposed to do. Enough of that. Get rid of all those people who are judging you. They're judgmental people and they don't know and they're not out for your own good. So just

ignore all that noise. See, there are a lot of families who wish they could leave their child with a family member. So take advantage of this. Look, when you're gone, you can send messages and videos saying, hey, we miss you. We wish you were here, right? Here's what we're doing, right? But here's what I'd really do. Let's give your teenage son a job, a mission he can be responsible for while you're gone. A way for him to hold down the homestead while you're gone. Almost like you need him to stay so he has a mission, right? I'd make him feel like he's doing you guys a favor, right? By staying back. So say things like, we appreciate you looking after the home while we're gone. Now we

don't have to hire a dog sitter. Now we don't have to hire anybody to take care of the pets and the animals. See, because he loves that. Give him a mission so he doesn't feel left out. But I'm telling you, he's not going to feel left out. He's going to be happy as a clam that he's there independent, look, independent, taking care of the homestead. He will love that, right? Bringing him a couple gifts is a thank you. Have him, his sisters, make a big deal out of having such a grown-up big brother who is so independent and capable, right? So look, we're always changing the narrative here. Well, we just have a child who's never happy and he makes everybody miserable. Well, sure, look, that's true.

But here's what else you have. You have an independent young man who's very competent and very capable when given adult-type jobs. And he's comfortable in that world. And the great thing is you're raising him to be an adult. And look, he's found his path. He's found kind of what he wants to do, but we spend all this time trying to say, no, that's not, that's not what you're supposed to be doing. You're supposed to be doing kid stuff. He's bored with kid stuff. He doesn't want to do

stupid kid stuff. He wants to do grown up adult stuff. So feed that. Enjoy that. And go enjoy your vacation. Look, the mom replied back and she said, I'm so relieved, right? It's validating to know it isn't insane to leave a child at home. I'm like, not at all. And she said he'd absolutely love to be a help to the family and farm by staying home. And he's so responsible for all the animals. See what happens? You start to shift it from, well, he's not good at this too. The kid's responsible. He probably gets up early and does all these things without being told. Guarantee he doesn't make his bed, but he takes care of all these living creatures on your farm. And she even said he wouldn't care less about having gifts brought home. He just loved feeling important and needed. That's a beautiful thing. See, by shifting your mindset and your

narrative, you just gave this kid a gift. Instead of forcing him to do something that he would hate and everybody's going to hate, which would further make him feel like, I don't fit in. I'm the black sheep in the family. Nobody likes me. Because you're supposed to do that. Instead, you just built his confidence. And now he gets to be big man on the ranch. And you come home and you're like, man, looks better.

Wait, did you fix that? You did that? Man, we might need to do this more often, son. That would be awesome. So thank you. Thank you for the good questions. Thank you for being willing to try some things, to do some things differently and look at it in a different way. Change that narrative about your child, right? Work on yourself. I'm not going to

keep going on, but I want you to work on yourself. If we can help you with that, reach out to Casey, celebrate calm.com, go on the website. If you want a recommendation, one, I would get to get everything packaged because it's literally everything we have put together. Parents are always email. Like, is that everything? I'm like, yes, it's everything. So I would call it to get everything packaged, right? Or you can get the calm parenting package or no BS or dual phone consultations with me, or reach out to Casey and ask us and we'll send you in the right direction. Either way, we will help you because that's what we live to do. Love you all.

Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thanks for sharing it with others and subscribing to it. It means a lot to us that you do that. So, hey, we'll talk to you soon. Thanks again. Bye-bye.