Calm Parenting Podcast - Reactive, Dawdling Kid Who Lashes Out, Not Good At Losing

Episode Date: March 5, 2023

Reactive, Dawdling Kid Who Lashes Out, Not Good At Losing  You have a sensitive child who overreacts, lashes out, has trouble losing games and connecting with peers, not to mention he dawdles. So what can you possibly do at home and school to help a child like this? Questions? Need help? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally.  Get the tools you need to FINALLY stop the yelling and power struggles at https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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have control of anything in your life, control inside your brain, some kids with sensory issues don't feel like they have control of their bodies at times. And so what are you naturally going to do? You're going to try to control everyone else. That's why kids are often bossy. It's why they change the rules of the game, cheat or quit. Why? It's a way to guarantee the outcome of the game. And if I guarantee the outcome of the game, that takes it from being something out of my control to being in my control. Because if I lose a game, that makes me a loser and I can't stand to do that because I don't have enough confidence to do that. Can you kind of hear that in your child, right? You can hear that in your child of like, it's not fair because you said that we were going

to do this, but then you changed plans and now the whole day is ruined and you can feel that, you can hear that and your rational mind is like, no, no, everything's okay. It's all good. But you're using a rational mind to speak to something that is very irrational and emotional, right? So you've got these kids that are like this, right? They have trouble connecting with peers. Well, that makes recess and lunchtime fun at school, right? Not to mention many of your kids don't.

So what can you possibly do at home and school to help a child like this? That's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, email our son Casey. You know why? Because he was pretty much the kid that I just described. And we had about 1,500 of these kids in our home over the course of a decade. So we kind of get them. But email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at celebratecalm.com. Tell us about your kids, ages of the kids. What are they struggling with? What do you struggle with? We get together as a family. We discuss it. We email you back, usually pretty quickly. And we

try to give you very practical tools. So here is a very common set of questions we receive. Usually starts with this. Well, a lot of times the subject is usually we need help or at our wits end, right? So it usually starts with these words. We need help with our child. Doesn't even matter what age. It always starts like that. He's sensitive, overreacts, have trouble connecting with peers, doesn't lose games well at school. He responds well when we stay even and matter of fact, like you say in your podcast. And then he'll apologize after an incident if we give him space. I worry that teachers and other kids won't be patient or understanding. But the truth is, I'm not very patient or calm at home sometimes. It's painful seeing how much he takes his time doing things. So allow me to address the easy part of this first.

At school, ask teachers to ask your son to help them with a very specific mission or project during recess, preferably doing something he's just naturally good at doing, and possibly doing something more grown up. Our kids love to feel helpful to other adults, just not you. They are very comfortable and good in the adult world. They're not always good at doing kid things, so we're setting this kid up for success. And if the teacher can partner your child with another kid who shares a common interest, because that's the best way to make friends, is when you have a common interest, a common goal, that's a good way for your son to make one friend.

And we just need him to make one friend, right? We don't need him to be Mr. Popular, one friend. And it helps eliminate the competition of playing games at recess. Makes him feel important, helpful. So let's get back to the real point of this podcast for me. You've got a child who's frustrating and this is my super nice response. I know how frustrating this can be. I'll validate that. Casey was the same exact way as a kid and I bet that you, like me, like most of us, have things inside of you from childhood that get triggered by your child. So I want you to have compassion for yourself because we're all broken

and we're all trying to figure this stuff out. Look, if you're pretty young, you don't even know why you're doing the stuff that you're doing, right? As you get a little bit older and you have kids, you start to figure out, oh, that's where that comes from. Now that I've said the nice thing, here's my honest response, because I do care about your child and I care about your family and you. You started this email by saying, we need help with our child, but that's not true. We don't need help for your child. We need help for you. Now, I don't do guilt or blame or fear-based stuff. I'm not doing guilt. I'm not blaming you. I just ask all of us just to be honest with ourselves, right? And confront those fears, those patterns that you have developed over many years, maybe over decades.

Because the truth is this. You must learn how to control yourself first before you can expect your child to be able to control himself. Before you can teach your child how to control himself, you have to learn how to control yourself. And I'm not trying to be jerky with this, but you said you are worried, well, teachers and other kids won't be patient with your son. But you're not patient with your son, right? You use an impatient, frustrated, some of us sometimes use a snotty tone that escalates situations. See, we pester our kids, right? When your child's moving slowly, we pester, come on, got to go, got to go, got to go, which always results in kids moving more slowly because they know that they can't please you.

They know that, look, all of that is driven by our own anxiety. Come on, we got to go, and some of you have control issues. I have control issues. Everybody has control issues. We want things done a certain way. You know what the right way is? My way. Because it's the way I've always done it. And if I've always done it this way, then you need to do it that way. It's very normal, but it's also very counterproductive. Because look, when you wake your kids up, come on, got to get up, got to go to school. Come on, let's move. Let's move. Kids are not rejecting you. They're not rejecting your authority. They're rejecting your anxiety because it is impossible to please your

anxiety. It compels you and you still always want more. Trust me. Look, those of you who are parents of middle schoolers and high schoolers, what they will eventually say is, it's never good enough for you. No matter what I do, I can't please you. And it's that anxiety that you have to get control of, right? Because my guess is that in your impatience, you talk too much and you lecture too much, which I consider provoking a child to anger, right? And here's another thing, because there's these little comments that we all make. It's painful seeing how much he takes his time doing things. You haven't really accepted your child as he is. You're still focused on changing your son's very nature. Why? Because it irritates you. And I get that. It's irritating.

But the more honest email would say this. Hey Kirk, I've always struggled with being reactive and impatient, but I'm tired of how this affects relationships with the people I love most. And I'm finally ready to change. How can I go about doing that? Now that would be refreshing. That will change your entire family dynamic and it will do it much more quickly than trying to change your child. So a few points. One, kudos to you for being honest and admitting this is your issue. No blame, no guilt, just honest recognition, right? The good part is this. You're the only person in life, you're the only person in your life that you can control. Trying to control other human beings just leaves you and them really, really frustrated and it often causes them to resist your efforts. See how that

cycle works. I don't like what I'm saying. I don't like your very nature. I'm going to try to change this. It's the way I've always done. It's my anxiety. I'm going to dump that on you. You're going to resist that. Oh, now I'm going to get even more anxious and get on you even more and more. I'm asking you, not the child, because you are the adult. You and I are the adults. I'm asking you to break the cycle, right? Number two, the most long-lasting change will come, and this is really cool, when your child sees you change right in front of his or her very eyes. If you ask Casey this day what he remembers most from his growing up and about all of the Celebrate Calm stuff he will say I watched my dad change I'm not bragging

I was horrible I was terrible at this stuff and but I finally figured it out but he will say I watched my dad wrestle with this right he your child will observe in living color your transformation. And that includes when you mess up. It includes your honest apologies, right? About taking ownership of your own behavior. And they'll observe your honesty in that. See, that's going to change your child more than anything else. And it's all within your control. Number three, look, if we were doing phone consultations, which we don't need to do with this because you can do it on your own through the Calm Parenting package, right? I immediately, when you get those downloads, instantly open up 30 days to Calm.

And I would want, and this is my challenge to you, spend the next 30 days, not trying to change anybody else, just changing yourself. Here's something we will do in that program. And as you go through it, you can email me and I'll help you. Identify two common triggers or just one, but identify two common triggers. What sets you off? And begin to think. Some of you like to write things down, journal. That's helpful too. Why does that bother you so much? And then think about this. How do you typically respond or react when your child does that? Then how does your child react? Right? And write it down even like this. When I react out of frustration, my son gets defensive and says,

what? Why are you so upset at me? And then it escalates from there. So here's one quick strategy you can learn among the 30 we're going to go through, right, to calm yourself. Do the opposite. Do the opposite of what you normally do when you get triggered. See, right now, when you yell, lecture, react, express frustration, or push your son, you get the exact opposite response that you want. Your child, instead of moving more quickly, moves more slowly. Right? They get more defensive. They get angry.

They shut down. So, why not try doing the exact opposite of what you normally do? Sit down instead of standing over your child. Be curious and ask questions instead of lecturing. Bite your tongue and email me instead. Instead of going on and on repeating yourself, affirm your child for what he or she is already doing well instead of constantly pointing out how they can improve. So my challenge to you is this. Are you ready to get control of your own anxiety, which compels you to lecture and hyper-focus on everything you think your child's doing wrong?

Are you ready to be free from your own perfectionism, your own control issues, which inadvertently trigger so many of the power struggles because you simply don't like the way your child does something. I can identify with that. I still, Casey is 29. I don't like the way he does lots of things. It irritates me because if you just listen to me, it'll be so much more productive and efficient and I would like it a lot more. But I want you to spend the month of March instead hyper-focusing on changing you from the inside out. The end result of that, very few power struggles. I promise you, if we talked, I could go through 10 situations. I'd be like, you just triggered that power struggle. You're triggering that power struggle. I'm not denying that your kids are difficult.

They are. But we trigger a lot of power struggles over things that don't matter, over things sometimes that are our own preferences, right? And because of a lot of our childhood issues, well, this is the way I've always done it's the way I was raised and it's the way I'm going to do it's my way or the highway approach we're just going to live with power struggles with everybody right you get to change yourself from the inside out you get to become a brand new person I promise you this will impact the beautiful thing is it impacts your daily life you don't have to fix everyone and change everyone and get upset about the way that everybody does things

because you're just focused on controlling yourself. And you know what the byproduct, besides fewer power struggles and better relationship with your kids, with your spouse, with yourself, just on a daily basis, is this. Instead of that anxiety ruling you and compelling you, you now have peace inside.

You now are able to look out and help other people. Because look, you're parents. By nature, you are giving people. You exist on earth now to help and love and train up this child so he or she becomes happy and successful in life. You're giving people, but this perfectionism, these control issues, this anxiety calls you to look inside all the time and try to fix everything else, and then you can't see clearly to help other people. So one of the most beautiful aspects of having a strong-willed child is that they will trigger everything immature inside of you. And then if you deal with that, it liberates you to now enjoy people, enjoy your child again, and look outward. And it frees up all this space inside of you to go out into the world and help

other people, encourage people. It's a wonderful thing. So if we can help you with that, let us know. Go to the website, CelebrateCalm.com. Either get the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package. Why? Because it has everything we've ever made, and you'll learn how to do this. If you need help, reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com, and we'd love to help you. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for sharing it with others. Thank you for being open to letting me challenge you. Again, no blame, no guilt. Let's just make these changes. Okay, you ready? If you're ready, I'm ready. All right, even if you're not ready, I'm ready because this is what I do. All right, love you all. Bye.