Calm Parenting Podcast - Responding to Blatant Disrespect & Backtalk

Episode Date: April 9, 2023

Responding to Blatant Disrespect & Backtalk Sometimes our kids spit out words we would have never said to our parents. We fear they will grow up to be rude, entitled, and rejected in the real world if we let them get away with it. Kirk gives you several concise scripts to use when kids are disrespectful, sassy, and talk back. This is the final week of our annual Spring Sale! Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Questions? Need help? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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going to raise a rude, entitled child and it gets worse and worse. What do you do with that? On today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you several different tools to use with this. And we're going to go through several variations of disrespect. I can't cover them all, but we'll do quite a few of those. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, talk to our formerly disrespectful son when he was a kid. Look, Casey came out of the womb with boxing gloves on and general's boots on. The kid marched wherever he went. He's purposeful. He has a very direct style. And sometimes throughout his childhood, I had to distinguish between what was disrespectful and what was Casey just being Casey and talking in a very direct manner.

And there's a difference there. So I want to tackle a few options. If you need help, reach out to Casey. It's C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. And I promise he will never be disrespectful to you. It's like your kids. He's awesome for other people, but he's a great young man. And if you need anything, tell us about your kids, ages of the kids.

We'll get together as a family. We reply personally to you, usually very quickly because we want to help. And if you need any materials, I encourage you, we're having a spring sale. Just go to CelebrateCalm.com if you need help asking. So here are a few things I don't want to cover in this episode. One is, so I've got a kid and when I ask him or her to do chores, they kind of just grumble and it's disrespectful. Fine. I get that. That's disrespectful. We didn't always do that as kids. We kind of did behind my dad's back and because he didn't have great

hearing, but I get that. My personal feeling with that is I kind of expect it. I don't care. So you're grumbling. And my thing is, look, I don't need you to be happy doing your chores. I just want to get them done. If you're going to be miserable, raking leaves, I'll pop some popcorn, pull up a lawn chair. I'll watch you be miserable. I don't care if you have a good attitude. I just expect you to do what I ask you to do. Now, later in this podcast, I will go through what to do. I'll give you a variation of this. If you do want to address that, I want to do it in a very specific way. So I'll come back to that. There's the disrespect sometimes that comes when a child has anxiety. I've covered this a lot. I don't want

to go to that new place. It's stupid. You're stupid. Well, that's disrespectful. Well, that's not blatant disrespect. The root of that is an anxious kid. And it's a little bit of self-preservation there, right? Because he just says disrespectful things. So he gets sent to his room so he doesn't have to go to the new place to face his fears and get rejected and fail again, right? There's the other kind of disrespect, which is, you know, it's a kid who comes home from school and they're having a bad day and they kind of take it out on you, right? And so I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying that it's okay if you do that, honey. I didn't say that. I'm just

saying this isn't that blatant kind. It's like, I get it. It's kind of like when you as an adult have a bad day and you're a little short with your spouse. It's not blatant disrespect. It's just that you had a bad day. So I don't take it personally. If it's after school, I come up with a new afternoon routine that doesn't involve asking them, how was school? Do you have homework? Do you want to get started on that right away? I'm going to change up that afternoon a little bit. There's the other kind. This is what I would call like the sassy little kid, right? Who's kind of feeling his or herself out in the world and thought like yeah I'll just be a little sassy with my parents well you can shut that down right away and I'll go through that in a few minutes but when I do that with

a little kid here's what I'm hearing when it's a younger kid these are usually really bright kids who are really frustrated they feel confined and so with that child honestly honestly, my first response is I want to give them some challenges. I want to use their brain in different ways. I want to give them some ownership of their choices within my boundaries. Instead of always me being, you have to do this and this and this and this. I paint the big picture and say, hey, here's what I'm looking for. I don't care how you get it done. You want to do it in a weird way, in a fun way. You want to do it the hardest way possible. Go for it, honey. I don't care. The other thing I can do with a sassy little side is I can come

alongside of them. And instead of saying, young lady, you're not going to use that tone in this house, right? Do that and tell me how that works, right? It just escalates and they're going to be like, you mean the tone you're using, mom? Right? And it just goes back and forth. I tend to come alongside the first couple times and just say, hey, just so you know, it's not going to work around here, right? It's kind of like I'm letting you in on a secret, but I hear that tone. I know what you're trying to do. I know you're kind of testing it out. What I want you to know is it's just not going to work, right? And so it's kind of at first a little coaching thing of like, I know where this is going. I did that too

when I was young. Yeah, it didn't work for me either. Not going to work for you here. What I want to talk about on this episode is usually slightly older kids. Unfortunately, it's not as old as it used to be, right? The stuff that 15-year-olds used to say, now you're getting eight-year-olds are pulling out words that I don't even know, right? And so this is more blatant. So I want to go through three or four different options here. So hang in with me. This might be a little bit longer podcast, but it's going to be worth it. So here's the first one. And it's this. I'm going to, as I go through these, I'm going to escalate the defiance more and more. This was a very common one in our home with Casey. I'd walk into a room or he'd walk into the room and he'd just have that tone. And you know what that tone is. Is it

disrespectful? Yes. And so I used to, before I could control myself, I would react to it. You know what? You're not going to use that tone with me. When I was a kid, I never used that tone with my parents if I would have done it. Just let that go. Look, I understand where it's coming from. It's like, I want to teach them what it was like back. Well, there were a lot of things different in olden days. And let me address this again really quickly, especially for the guys who are like, well, it worked when we were kids. A lot of things were different when we were kids.

We were also outside like 16 hours a day when we were kids. We weren't even around our parents that much when we were kids. And we got all of this energy and angst out with our friends playing tackle football and running and jumping and playing and doing all kinds of things. And our parents usually weren't micromanaging our lives and other people, coaches and teams and extracurriculars. Life was slower. So yeah, it's a different era. And you can't

compare. If you want to compare that, then let's just go back to 1584 and see what it was like back then. Right? So it's different. So I get that. So after I started to learn how to control myself, what I most wanted to do with everything that we do is teach. Discipline, disciple, teach. That's what it means. I just need to shut that down. I'm going to go through really tough discipline in just a minute. But with my son, when he was being a little bit mouthy, had that tone, I remember exactly where I was standing when I first did this because I was like, yay. I didn't get drawn into an argument, get drawn into the courtroom with a 12-year-old kid who would usually win, right, because I get too upset. So I stepped back because sometimes for me, when Casey had an attitude, I'd step toward him because I want to do

the typical, right, fear and intimidation. It doesn't work with the strong will kids. So I physically stepped back or took a step backwards and I said, Casey, look, here's the deal. I've heard that tone before. The last 83 times I've heard that tone, what it's told me is you're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry. Because those were his three triggers. And now I'm teaching him, you're not just being a defiant little snot. No, you're either anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry. Something else is going on, son. So two options. One, you may continue to talk to me like that if you want, but I just want to let you know, it's just not going to end well for you. See, that's that coaching coming alongside. I know

where you're going with this. It's not going to end well. If I were you, kind of step back from that. Option two, if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa. I'll meet you out on the deck. I'll meet you on the basement. I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. There was an invitation. There was movement. Motion changes emotion. So I gave him a little job to do. I gave him something to do besides standing there and going, we need to have a talk about your attitude, young man, and said, hey, why don't you grab that? I'll grab this. Sometimes it's like, you know what? I've got to go run up to the store to grab a couple of things. You want to ride with me? We'll grab a couple of tacos along the way. And there's an invitation to come with me to a

new place. And then along the way, it can be like, so I heard the tone. What's going on? I want to help you. It's not, what were you thinking using that tone with your father, with your mother? No, it's, I'm curious. Case, I hear that tone, I'm curious. Something else is going on and I want to know what that is so I can help you out with this. One, because I'm your dad and I've got wisdom and I want to help you. And two, I want to keep you from losing all your privileges because if you keep talking to me like that, it's just not going to end well. Does that make sense? I want to deescalate situations when it's like that.

And I actually use that to bond, right? There were situations like that where I could bond with my son because he was frustrated and he wasn't mature enough to say, hey, mom, dad, had a long day at school. I'm anxious. I'm a little bit frustrated with some

things. Could we go for a walk and talk about? He didn't know to do that then. I eventually, we taught him how to do that. But again, that's teaching. And I'm showing, and we bonded until he learned I can tell my dad anything because he's not going to freak out. That's huge. He's 29, and we still talk about stuff that's really, really hard. And that's what I wanted because anyway, number two option, this is a girl who's, I'm just going to use this as a girl. I use this a lot of times at live events when there's like a teenage daughter with her mom and I'll be like, here's a common teenage daughter with mom kind of thing. And a teenage daughter gets a little bit sassy with her mother.

And instead of mom reacting to it, mom can say, honey, listen, I don't need you to respect me. See, I have something called self-respect. And here's what self-respect is. I can't always tell you what you're going to do, but I can always tell you what I'm going to do. And so if you think that you're going to talk to me like that, if you're going to boss me around, right, and treat me with disrespect, if you think you're going to do that and then I'm going to do. And so if you think that you're going to talk to me like that, if you're going to boss me around, right? And treat me with disrespect. If you think you're going to do that, and then I'm going to turn around and later tonight, get in a car, battle traffic, take you to an extracurricular activity that you're not even good at. And it costs too

much. I'm kidding. The last two parts were sarcasm. But if you think I'm going to take you and run you all over town after you talk, you just have another thing coming. So you have too much self-respect to allow people to talk to me like that and then get walked all over. It's just not how it works. Now, honey, the reason I want you to respect me, I don't need it. I have self-respect. The reason I want you to respect me is because it tends to work better for you in life when you respect your parents and when you respect authority. It just goes better for you. See, I'm teaching. I'm not getting

all wrapped up and I can't believe my teenage daughter would talk to me like that. I'm not talking about my childhood. I'm just demonstrating self-respect and I'm drawing clear boundaries there. You can talk to me like that if you want. What I want you to know is there is going to be nothing coming from here. I'm not going to punish you emotionally. I'm not withdrawing my love from you. I'm just letting you know that me turning around and going to do all these things for you, it's just not going to happen, right?

And so you draw. And then with that, you could say, but honey, what I've noticed sometimes is when you get sassy with me, something happened at school. What's up? Was it with one of your friends? Is it someone that you're interested in? Is it school? Is it anxiety? Is it that you didn't make the basketball team or the volleyball team? What is it? I'm curious. I want to help. So those two, with the teen girl, with my son, those aren't the ones that I really wanted to do, but I wanted to give you a full range. Here's kind of where what we're working with a lot of families on are hearing this is when teenagers and even younger kids, preteens and even

younger than that, are calling their moms a B word, right? They're dropping the F bomb, which is F you, I don't have to do that. And that is outright defiance of like, I'm getting full of myself, and I think I can push you around because what are you going to do? So two options here. The first I wanted to mention is this, which is really important. If I were working with you, my first question is, is there a serious breach in the relationship between this child and his or her mom and his or her dad, right? Because if there's a breach because the parents have always been on

this child, and I'm just going to use this because I'm a guy. This would have been, if I would not have changed, this would have been Casey. Casey would have gone down this path because he would have been holding a lot of anger at me because I was all over him his entire childhood. Nothing he could do would please me. I always was negative toward him, never saw the good things.

In that case with Casey, there would have been a very definite breach and a deep-seated anger. It doesn't mean that this language is justified. It just means that this isn't just pure disrespect. This has the flavor of disdain and a deep-seated anger over a relationship issue. See, in that case, that's not really a defiance issue. That's a relationship issue. And that happens a lot. And if you're at that place, I encourage you, work on the relationship. If you want to work with me, I'll be blunt and honest and tell you how to do it, but you're going to have to humble yourself, right? And you're going to have

to learn how to bond with this teenage child, even though they're very difficult. If you want to do it, but you're going to have to humble yourself, right? And you're going to have to learn how to bond with this teenage child, even though they're very difficult. If you want to do it, by all means, do it on your own, do it with another counselor. I don't care how you do it. I just want you to get the help. I would start with the No BS program that we have, which is very much geared toward older kids. It's 25 concrete action steps. It is phenomenal. It's just such a good solid program with 25 action steps. And it's so concrete. And I kind of created that one for dad sometimes, right? Because dads aren't going to go through like read a whole book or a whole, go through 30 hours of information. But when it's concise like that, it's challenging, but it's really, really helpful. So ask yourself that. Is there a serious breach in the relationship that is, and this defiance is just their immature way

of saying, mom, dad, I'm angry at you. You've hurt me. I felt different my whole life. You've always been on me. I feel like I can never please you, so screw you, right? If that's the feeling, let's work on repairing the relationship because once the relationship is repaired, then a lot of that language will go away.

I hope that makes sense. Here's another aspect of it, and this is where I want to go kind of hardcore, is when the kids nowadays, there are some kids who must have picked it up from their friends think it's cool to talk like that. That there are other parents who allow their kids to get away with using that language. Because let's say your kids are hanging out someone's house and they hear their friend speaking disrespectfully to their mom or their dad and they get away with it and they're like, huh, sounds pretty cool. Think I'll try that out at home, right? So here would be a response. It's not the only response, but I try to like to give you scripts to use and customize for yourself.

But here is one that I would use in that situation. Hey, son, daughter, I apologize for leading you to believe it was ever acceptable to speak to me or to your mom, to your dad in that way. You could add this. I apologize for letting you get away with this the previous 20 times you talk like that. That may be necessary. That apology of like, look, I apologize. You've done this several times. You've been talking to us. And I apologize because I did lead you to believe that this was acceptable, but it's not. And I don't know where you got the idea that talking to me or your mom, your dad, or using that kind of language would ever be acceptable in this home. Maybe it's okay for your friends.

Maybe it's okay on your TikTok videos, but not in our home. And by the way, I don't mind if you say not in my home. I get pushback. Well, that's not egalitarian. It's your home. You're the parent, that's not egalitarian. It's your home. You're the parent, right? I get it. It's our home. You know from my podcast, I'm very, very much about understanding our kids. And most of these examples have been about understanding them. But please don't apologize for being the parent. Everything you're not, you don't have to do

everything. Well, it's our home too. No, sometimes you have to be direct and say, you know what? In my home, that's not happening. And there's nothing mean about that, right? We've gotten a little bit too soft with certain things. I'm like, well, you're just talking kind of harsh. I'm not being harsh. I'm being direct. I'm being concise.

I'm being decisive. And I'm drawing very clear boundaries that in my home, and if you prefer in our home, that's perfectly fine too, in our home, that is not happening. That stops now. I like that kind of decisive language. It is way better than, you know, it's really disrespectful to talk to your parents like that.

And if you grow up and talk, well, look, your kids usually don't talk to other people like that. Just you, right? And you go down this path of like, they're going to be like, let me give you a long lecture and try to reason with you. And let me say that you get it into your head that it's not, it doesn't work, right? And you don't need to do that. That makes you sound weak at times. I want you to be decisive. Look, let's take it out of this. It's not about like, I'm the authority figure at home, so I'm going to lay down the law. It's not that at all. It's this. I'm the leader in the home, and my child, for his or her own good, needs to know that there are distinct boundaries.

Because sometimes we've gotten so soft with things and so explaining everything to our children that they don't know where the boundaries are. So it's a compassionate thing to do. Let me make this point too. Here's what I didn't say. You know what? You disrespectful little snot. You've been difficult since you came out of the womb.

You never did your schoolwork. You leave your stuff all over the place. You never did your schoolwork. You leave your stuff all over the place. I don't know how you're ever going to be successful in life. Now that's wounding. That's personal. And that's mean. That would actually be a cruel statement. You're a loser in life. See, I also, if I were talking to parents, I would also say, I don't know where you got the idea that yelling, screaming, personally belittling your children is ever acceptable. Now, I know where you got that idea because some of you were raised like that. You're like, well, we weren't defined like this. It's because my dad didn't put up with that. And I like old school discipline.

What I don't like about it was when it was personally demeaning, when it was mean like that, and when it was just plain cruel, right? I don't have to be cruel. I don't have to be mean. I don't have to make it personal. I'm telling the child, look, in our home, that's not going to work. And that stops now. Right? Does that make sense? I want that distinction to be clear. Because parents now think it's either or.

Well, either I have to be like this and get walked on all over. Or I've got to go 1883 and pull out that, right? It's not, it doesn't have to be either of those. In between is clear, concise, decisive, right? No pleading. I'm not asking you please to respect me. I'm letting you know that's working. So, and let's continue with this. I will give you an opportunity now to calm down, to think, to reflect, and at some point to apologize. If you do that, I will let this go this one time. But if it ever happens again, you will immediately lose your phone, your screens, and you will be grounded for two weeks. Two weeks. I'm not putting up with this. This is

not happening in our home, right? Does that make sense? I'm not making it personal. I'm not saying you're an ingrate. You're a terrible kid. I hate you. I'm aggravated. I'm drawing a very clear boundary between what is acceptable in my home and what is not acceptable. And I am using very direct language and a very direct tone because it doesn't work to say, you know, that really makes me feel bad and it scares me for your future. No, but no, no, no, that's not, I don't know where you got the idea that that would ever work in this home. It's not working in this home. Friends may use it, TikTok video people may use it, not in this home because the consequences will be swift and swift. We're not doing that. Now, I can always add to it if I want. Look, I'm okay if you disagree with me. So we told Casey from an early age, you are welcome

and free to disagree with us as long as you do it respectfully. So many times Casey would come and say, dad, mom, I disagree with your decision on X matter. I'm okay with that. So let me give you a quick one. So he came one time because we gave him a curfew, nine o'clock. I think it was nine o'clock when he was, I forget how old. He came and he said, dad, I disagree. Cause I was kind of like the tougher one, um, shocker. Um, but I, but I wasn't personal, right? It's just nine o'clock is your curfew, right? He said, I disagree with your curfew. And I say, well, of course you do, right? Because you're 12, you're 13. Of course you want to stay out later, right? I'm not shocked that they're not like, dad, you have so much wisdom. I think maybe we should do 830, right? Of course they're going to push the limits. So I said, Case, makes sense to me that you would want a later curfew. So here's how you

can earn a later curfew. What I want is this. I don't want to talk about this for at least three days. We had a policy. There's a rule in our home. We do not discuss volatile things like this. If we have a disagreement, we take two days at least. Two days to think through it because I'm not, that's another way to teach impulse control. If you would have come back a day later,

dad, I want to talk to you about curfew. Not happening. No, but seriously, I want to talk about it. Nope. Rule in our home, two days to think about things because we don't want to make rash decisions because that hurts people. See, again, that's a drawing a boundary, right? Well, that's lame. I'm good with you thinking it's lame. I'm not offended by you. All I know is I'm a grown adult. What I found in life is when I take time to think and process through things, I tend to make better decisions and I don't hurt other people, right? See, you're not saying, you know what? You're impulsive and you shoot your little mouth off when you shoot

your little mouth. See, that's dripping with disdain and that's your own bitterness. And you've got to deal with that. I'm not dripping with bitterness. Gaze, I get it. You want to talk about it now. Not happening. You can talk all you want. I will sit here, stained stone face. I'll even take notes on what you're talking about, but I will not discuss with you because in our home, we have a rule that we wait two days. So guess what happens? So this is my question to him. I said, Casey, here's what I want to know. What can you do, what can you do to earn a later curfew? And you know, he didn't come back to me two days later.

But I noticed the next weekend, he started coming home early. 853, 857, right? 854. And after a few times, I said, hey, case curious, what's this whole coming home early thing? And here's what he told me. And this was probably 17 or 18 years ago. And it's brilliant. He said, dad, I didn't want you to have to wonder if I was going to make it home on curfew on time because all of my friends come home late and make up excuses for why they're late and then they end up getting in trouble. But I wanted to prove to you that I could control myself so you don't have to. And I said, either

you are the most manipulative young man I have ever met, that was part of it, or that's brilliant, Case. You know what? I'm going to honor that. Your new curfew, 9-15. And you know what he said? Seriously, Dad, I came home early a lot of nights in a row. I was hoping you go to 10 o'clock. And I said, Casey, my gut tells me you're going to get to 10 o'clock. You keep doing what you're doing. You keep proving. And that was brilliant. The whole focus, he has a program. If you get the Everything Package or the Calm Parenting Package, there's a CD series, a download for your kids called Casey's Straight Talk for Kids. And he teaches your kids this principle, which is if you learn how to

control your own impulses and emotions, your parents won't have to control you, right? If you want freedom in your life, demonstrate that you can handle that freedom. And he was brilliant at that. And so that became the basis of that program and all of his school assemblies. And so he eventually, guess what? The more he came home on time and early, the more we trusted him, the later his curfew got. So we ended up turning that into something positive. So I need to wrap this up. Thank you for listening. We covered a lot of ground in 27 minutes and 23 seconds as of this moment. If we can help you in any way, because I know this stuff is hard. Some of you are breaking

generational patterns. Some of you are overreactive, right? And so in those early examples, you're like, oh, my kids aren't happy doing their chores and I just get triggered. We need to deal with your triggers. Let's go through that 30 days to calm program. Deal with your triggers. I promise you will be happier the rest of your life because then other people for the rest of your life will not trigger you every day because you'll be able to control yourself. Some of you are going to have to work on your relationship with that child because that amount of defiance and disdain tells me there's something else going on. I want you to be able to time step back and say, you know what, this is just a tired kid. This is a frustrated kid. I'm not going to take it personally. I'm going to come alongside

that child and I'm going to help them and show them how to deal with their frustration life. And then there's the blatant kind where they just think that they're going to get away with something and pull out that kind of language. I want you to learn how to be decisive, concise, and do that in a very direct tone without making it personal, without being mean. If you have questions, reach out to us. Email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecalm.com. If we can help you in any way, let us know. That's what we exist to us. Email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. If we can help you in any way, let us know. That's what we exist to do. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for sharing this podcast. Love you all. Bye-bye.