Calm Parenting Podcast - School Struggles? 8 Weird Ideas To Improve Focus, Motivation, Homework & Writing

Episode Date: October 1, 2023

School Struggles? 8 Weird Ideas To Improve Focus, Motivation, Homework & Writing It's not shocking to me that your kids are struggling with focus, attention, executive function, writing assignments, anxiety and more. That means power struggles over homework, kids shutting down in the classroom, and kids internalizing “I’m stupid” or “something is wrong with me.” Let’s fix that now. Kirk shares 8 weird ideas you can try today to motivate your kids and help them feel confident. Learn more at https://celebratecalm.com Want to finally stop the power struggles AND enjoy your strong-willed child? Kirk shows you exactly how with 30+ hours of content delivered directly to your phone, iPad or laptop. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package. Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com/50calm and use code 50calm for 50% off plus 15% off the next 2 months! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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homework, kids shutting down in the classroom, right? When the work gets difficult and they get kind of overwhelmed and some of your kids will begin to feel like they're stupid or something is wrong with me. And we don't want that. So in this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you about 10 kind of different weird ideas to improve focus and homework time. And I hope this will help you. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. And I'm going to reference Casey quite a bit in this podcast because these are all things that we learned with both with casey through there's a lot of science and

research behind some of these ideas and in working with almost a million families right you start to learn some different weird ideas and so i want to share those if you need help reach out to that kid our son casey at celebrate calm.com tell us about your family age of the kids what are you struggling with we'll get back to you personally because it's what we do. It's our family mission. If you need help with anything, setting up a live workshop, getting any of our materials, if you need help financially, just reach out to Casey. So let's do a quick recap of why your kids are likely struggling. Some of it is that their brains don't always get enough dopamine or blood flow. So their brains are physiologically under-stimulated, right? That's why if your kids are on a medication, it's usually a stimulant medication, right?

Because that's why your kids are constantly looking for brain stimulation, right? By fidgeting, taking risks, procrastinating, arguing with you, picking on siblings, right? Because look, all I have to do is look at my sister and then she gets irritated and reacts and yells. And then my mom comes and it yells. And then dad comes in and yells, not because he's mad at me, but because now his wife is upset and we don't know what to do with you when you're upset because nobody ever taught us that as men. And so one child by looking at his sister can get three different people upset. That is very stimulating for the brain, right? And so all of those things stimulate the brain,

either in positive or negative ways. So let's look at some different ways we can stimulate the brain. And this will be for kids of different ages. So number one, let's replace that table of death with a fort. What's the table of death? Oh, that's the kitchen table where you tell your kids, kids, get your school work out. Come get your folders out and sit at the table. I'm going to stand over you and walk around and say, if you would just focus, you would be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours. Apparently that's not motivating. So put a blanket over the kitchen table, right? And that's where, because that kitchen table is where brains go to sleep as you hover over them, right? And so instead you put a blanket over the table. Guess what you have now? You have a fort. Forts are cool

when you're a kid, right? So you're not standing over them and they actually have some space. Some of your kids actually like confined spaces. It's private. It's dark. It's interesting. It's fun, right? And some of your kids, you've noticed they've gotten under things. They like to crawl under things. It's why we used to put Casey in a sleeping bag when he was little and we'd shove him in a closet to sleep because it felt very safe and comfortable to him. So it's dark under there, so you let them do their homework using a flashlight or matches. That's stimulating, right? And that'll stimulate their brains. Plus they can eat the mac and cheese or chicken nuggets they dropped on the floor from dinner the night before. Nutritious, good for their immune system.

Here's a bonus idea. Many of our kids actually do prefer working in confined spaces. So don't be afraid to ask the teacher if your child can complete assignments or even take tests sitting underneath his desk at school. Just put boundaries on it. Hey, you can sit under your desk. I don't care. As long as you don't play with your classmate's foot and as long as you don't distract people, right? As long as the child's not interrupting anyone, I don't care how or where he does his classwork. Number two, chew on it. So instead of saying, let's have a snack and then do our homework, combine the two activities and here's why. When you are chewing, think what's really going on.

There is rhythm involved in chewing, and that chewing actually creates rhythm in the brain. It's taking that chaotic brain that many of your kids have and adding some kind of rhythm or order to it. It helps them process information more quickly. Chewing brings blood flow to the brain as you compress it, right, your jaw. And it also alleviates anxiety. So picture doing this instead. Get your child up out of that chair and let your child stand at the kitchen counter where they can rock back and forth.

Nice movement. Movement's good for learning. Maybe tapping his pencil, chewing on a snack, listening to some intense music. Intense music is extremely helpful at times for these kids. Again, music has a lot of rhythm. Quick little aside, many, many, many years ago, we did this experiment, this test in the New York City public schools in the Bronx, top part of the city. And so New York City public schools had a rule that there's no gum chewing allowed in

schools. So, I'm not a rule follower. So I got some Wrigley's gum. I took the wrapper off and then I called them what they were chewing memory sticks there was nothing in the New York City public school rule book about memory sticks so here's what we did one one said the test classes they didn't get they didn't get to chew on anything the other set of classes all those kids were met by their teacher who said hey here's a memory stick chew on this it will help you remember everything i've taught you for this test guess what happened the

kids who got to chew the gum i mean the memory sticks their scores improved 38 over the other class it works try it number three here's another confined spaces idea. Let your child do his homework. And I do this a lot with teenagers in the car after you get home. So you pick your child up from school, you come home in your SUV or your minivan, and now they get to just sit in the car. Why? It's their own space. You're not there bugging them. They can listen to music. It's like having an adult office, right? Like this is the car where I do my work. It's a weird little idea. It often works well. And also the other one is doing kind of like that. Doing work out in public can be a really cool thing. Number four,

challenge your child to do his homework. I have written down here, do his math homework while he's lying upside down off the sofa, right? Or swinging on a swing. What do your kids naturally do? So work with that. Walk in the living room and say, hey, it's pretty cool that you're upside down. Look what's happening when he's upside down. It meets a vestibular need. It's calming and blood flow is rushing to the brain. So I walk in with his math homework and say, hey, bet you can't do your math homework upside down, right? As the blood flows to his brain, right? It's a really cool idea. Same with kids who spin. Review and quiz them on vocabulary words while they're spinning. Stop saying things like, stop your spinning. Sit down. I'm going to review vocabulary words because I like to make learning as unfun as possible.

Use these natural things to your advantage. Bonus points if you go in and lie upside down off the sofa next to your child and enter into his world. Because I guarantee you, you will have a great conversation while you're lying upside down because it's impossible to yell. It relieves your own anxiety. It's just interesting. So number five, jumpstart their brains. Sometimes it's hard to simply get started. So one of the many ways to jumpstart a child's brain is to try doing an assignment right after they got some exercise. Whether this is playing outside, running through an obstacle course, right, whether it's having fun outside and you're doing a treasure hunt, or whether it's after a sport that they

play. A lot of kids we know in Texas do better during football season because they have morning practice. And that morning practice in the Texas heat they're working hard they're getting the endorphin rush they come into school after that they tend to be focused so we actually had Casey take his homework to the ice rink you get off the ice you'd be all sweaty and nasty after practice but his brain would be stimulated and his body would be relaxed and there is something kind of cool about doing homework in a public place. Look, we used to do a ton of work at Panera Bread and at coffee shops. Think about this also. Panera Bread coffee shop.

The smells there stimulate the olfactory senses, your nose, and improve concentration. That's partly why we do work there, besides the caffeine for some people. I'm not a big caffeine guy. But look, sometimes kids will think better when they smell dinner being made or when you light a favorite candle, right? Fall's coming up, so like a pumpkin spice candle or aroma. Man, that can be relaxing, and it can also stimulate the brain. So I just encourage you to experiment and see what works.

Don't limit your kids to what works for you because you may have a neurotypical brain, but their brain is better than yours. Kidding. I just, I tend to like the kids who think in different ways. Number six, manage their energy, not their time. Listen, I worked in the corporate world for almost 20 years. We had endless time management seminars and they never quite stuck for me until I really

discovered a huge insight. For people that are made like me, like your kids, you don't manage your child's time. I don't manage my time. You teach them how to manage their energy, right? Because these are kids who work on momentum, who can hyper-focus, right? And you have to harness that. Learn what times of the day, what days of the week they can really hyper-focus and knock out work. It's a critical skill to learn, right? Casey, to his credit, has mastered this, and it's how we both work. We know there are certain times when we're in a flow and our

concentration is good and we're motivated and we just knock stuff out. And sometimes, actually sometimes I'll do multiple podcasts in a row because why? Because when I do a podcast, my mind's thinking in a certain way. I'm putting together stories. I'm putting together a flow of how I want it to sound and it gets me in a certain spot and then I get excited about it because I love doing this and so I'll often knock two or three out at the same time and so I want you to learn how to use that bonus idea learn how to use time compression to stimulate your child's brain right if you have a teenager who gets home at think about this they get home at three o'clock let's say they go to bed at 10 o'clock, meaning 1 a.m., because that's realistic.

They've got like 8 or 10 hours now at home to do their schoolwork. It's almost too much time. So what do they end up doing? They put it off. I've got enough time. I'll just wait until after dinner. Well, after dinner, my buddies are on video games, so I'm just going to play that. I still have time.

And hour after hour, right, they put it off. And that's why I often like these kids working a job, because it helps order their time and compress time, right? Because like if I have to go to my job from four o'clock to seven o'clock, that means I've got to compress that time. And so in case you would travel with me, let's say we had to be at an an event at 6 p.m. well we roll into a new town at say 518 we go to Panera for dinner and the free internet well now he's got 42 minutes to get a couple writing assignments done and that time compression helped him focus better because he knows I only have 42 minutes which means I only have to concentrate for 42 minutes I use that a lot I tend to break my work up and go in spurts of energy and then I give myself a break and I want you to listen

to the ADHD University series your kids don't have to have be diagnosed it's just how the brain works for strong willed kids, right? And so you learn a lot of this. Number seven, this is a really cool idea, especially for an older kid, but shoot, I'd use this for a fourth or fifth grader if I needed to once in a while. And I just titled this cram it IHOP at 10 o'clock on weeknights. So I was doing a phone consultation with this great couple and the dad said, matter offactly, which I really appreciated, I know how the school year is gonna go. We're gonna back off and we're gonna let us our son own his schoolwork. He's not going to be prepared for how much harder school is this year

so he's going to fall behind. Dad already knew that and so we were brainstorming okay when, not if, when that happens, what do we want to do? Well, that's when our kids fall behind. They get overwhelmed. They procrastinate. Then they get too far behind and kind of give up. So I gave this dad an idea that I know will actually work because I've done it before, and it's a little bit odd. So you go in and you tell your son or your daughter, hey, I've got this big project that's due tomorrow,

and I want to prepare you for college life because you're going to end up cramming for tests and writing papers at the last minute, because they are. So I was going to go over to IHOP, Taco Bell. This dad also, his son has a favorite basketball player, and I was like, well, shoot, just go to a sports bar at nine o'clock when his favorite team is playing. So there's this brain stimulation thing that happens. He's there. It's kind of a cool thing. And so you go out at 9 or 10 o'clock at work. So son, I'm going to go to IHOP 10 to work on my project if you want.

Bring your assignments and we can knock out some work while we're having a late night snack. And so here's why I like it. Look, kids like being out late on a school night. It's fun. It feels a little bit bad, right? It feels more grown up. And you guys both have your work to do. It's not, hey, I want to go. I know you're really behind, so I want to do your work. So let's go and we'll work on all of your work. No, because then you have too much focus on his work. I want you to be focused on your work while he's doing his work. That way you're available to help, but you're not just

hovering because when you hover, you tend to get frustrated and anxious about it, right? And impatient. You know what? It's 10 o'clock. I brought you over here to do this and you're not even working on it. See, I'm taking all that pressure off because I've got my own work that I'm working on. And see, it's kind of interesting because you're both relaxed. You're not at home where you're usually fighting. You're at a fun restaurant. You're eating nachos or pancakes at IHOP, and it's different. Look, nobody else is out with their dad at 10 o'clock or 11 o'clock at night. So look, you can put your headphones on and do your work while you rock out to whatever you listen to, right? And you can be available to help your child, just not like

waiting for him to get on it. So I don't know. I think this usually works. In our experience, it worked really well. Your son may just knock out some work and he will need this skill in college so it's practical. And here's an even better point. This can be a huge bonding activity for you. Instead of schoolwork becoming that thing where you're always fighting and you're on him because he won't focus and he learns how to be motivated because if you can't do this now, however you're ever going to be successful. You take all of that out of it. And I guarantee you when you're driving home late at night, your tired child may just be vulnerable with you.

And you'll have better talks because you know why? You're driving in the dark. You're sitting next to each other. It's not all this intense eye contact and having like a serious talk. You're bonding over something. You can even tell them on the way home, say, hey, thanks for coming along. I didn't really want to go alone, but man, I got a lot of my work done tonight. So even if he didn't do a lot of his work, you got your work done. You had a late night snack, right? It's not like your child goes to bed before midnight anyway, so at least you're being productive. And so what if you miss a little sleep? It's well worth it. Okay, number eight. This is gross, but it works. I just labeled this vomit messy chunks. Why? Because it sticks in

the brain. We had 1,500 kids come to our home over the course of a decade. I taught them all this phrase. Why? Because little boys and girls, and especially little boys, are gross. They're disgusting. And so they'll remember anything like that that you tell them. And so here's what that means, right? Your kids really struggle with writing assignments. That's why I don't like us saying, oh, this assignment isn't hard. You're so smart. Well, the truth is it is hard. And so that's confusing to kids because if the assignment isn't supposed to be hard, but it is, then there's only one conclusion, which is I must be stupid. So the hard part of getting all these, look, think about this. I've got a brain like this. I write a lot and it's hard for me. I have all these swirling ideas in my swirling brain and I have to somehow get them out of the ether inside this brain and organize down onto paper.

Now, if your kids have dysgraphia, trouble with fine motor skills, or dyslexia, man, this is hugely, hugely frustrating. So don't minimize this. So this is why we taught over a thousand kids. You begin by vomiting all your thoughts and ideas down onto paper or the computer screen. Because once it's on paper or the screen, now it's at least visual. It's tangible. I can move those thoughts around in small chunks, right? I can cut and paste on the computer on a piece of paper. I can circle things. I can put rectangles around them.

I can move them. I can put a big number one here, a big number two for the second paragraph there. And this is important. I want the first draft to be messy and incomplete. I don't want kids to overthink it, right? Just dump it. Dump everything out of your brain. And I encourage you, that's really important because sometimes we're like, well, let's make sure that your penmanship is good. No, not with these kids. Just let them dump it out of there, right? So once it is, give them some time and space to process the thoughts and ideas without hovering over the page, right? To be honest, it's what I've done with this

podcast. I started, because I'm speaking at this school and they wanted me to go over some ideas like this, so I started jotting down ideas yesterday while I was driving because then it's messy but while I'm driving between events and then I got to the hotel last night I took them from the piece of paper I put them down onto a Word document then I emailed the ideas to me so that as I'm driving around as I'm going to these other events I can read these see I'm processing the whole time. I went and spoke this morning. I had it written down to get this done today. I come back. This is in all likelihood, this is about the fourth, in a way, the fourth draft, right? And

then it starts to come together because I've got some time. It's very unnatural, even in my work, corporate environment, other places like, hey, I need you to write something really well within the next three hours. It happens at times, but usually you have to write a proposal and it takes a day or two or sometimes a lot longer than that. So give them a little time if you can. And remember we talked about intense music. While I was completing my thoughts, I had on some really intense, I had some really intense music. So if you can give your students, and I'm talking teachers here, or your child, some extra time like overnight until they get clarity, it will help. One more thing for you. At the beginning of the school year

I just want to create a success look we're just trying to create a success for a kid who's always struggled with writing so let's just make it a little bit let's make it a little bit easier by doing this let's let kids write about something interesting to them right I know you're studying ancient Rome and you want to be about ancient Rome well maybe let it be about something that they're actually interested in in ancient Rome maybe it's about how how how many how many gladiators were devoured by lions why because that's gross and it's interesting right who cares just let them do or maybe you're studying ancient

Rome and you just let them write about something else. What I'm really after as an educator is I want to teach kids the process. You know what? That's not true. The first thing I want them to do is I want them to be curious. I want them to enjoy learning. Our goal with our son is we wanted a curious child who loves to learn. What he learns about isn't as important as the fact that they just love learning and they're curious and they read things. Does it have to be on the approved reading list? I don't care. No. Whatever you're interested in, read about it. So I want you to do a writing assignment because all writing assignments are basically the same thing, right? It's an introductory thought with three supporting

paragraphs and a conclusion. It doesn't matter what you're writing about. So get a success early on. Look, it's very hard to write cogently about an arbitrary topic you simply don't care about. So I want you to try this with your kids and see how it goes. In fact, try all of these. I was going to provide 10 weird tips, but I'm going to stop at eight. It's enough for now. If you want more, listen to the ADHD University program and all the other calm parenting programs. You get so many ideas, right, because there's literally dozens of insights into there. So if you don't have that program, then you're missing a ton of ideas that will help your child feel confident and stop the power struggle. So stop waiting and just go and get it, right?

It's basically the cost of one trip to a therapist's office, and you get 30 hours with so many different ideas on it. So there's no reason you shouldn't have that right at your fingertips and just start this with your kids. By the way, I would ask your kids and say, you listen to this. Why don't you listen to this and you come to me and tell me five different weird ways, weird places you'd like to do your homework. And I encourage you as a parent to say, I'm good with that. I'm good with that. Yeah, I'm open to that. Let them learn. You know what? I hadn't planned on saying this. I want your kids to learn how their brains work. These are the brains they have and they're going to have for the rest of their lives. And learning how their brains work best is one of the greatest gifts we've given Casey is Casey knows how he works. He knows

how he works internally, how his brain works, and he maximizes that, right? And so I want your kids to have that insight to challenge them with it. You come up with the ideas. It's your homework. You come up with weird ideas, and then we'll do it. So thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast. If you need anything, reach out to us, Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Love you all. Hope to talk to you soon. See you soon. Bye-bye.