Calm Parenting Podcast - Screens Q&A: No Drama Screen Safety & Success from Toddlers to Teens
Episode Date: November 13, 2024Screens Q&A: No Drama Screen Safety & Success from Toddlers to Teens What do you do when your kids melt down when you tell them to turn off their screens, work around parental controls, or won’t co...mply with your rules? How can we compete against that dopamine hit from screens? What if our child is kind of addicted to screen usage? How do we keep our kids safe online? At what age should we allow screens? Kirk answers your toughest questions with practical strategies and insights for kids of all ages. Keep your child safe and on track with BrightCanary monitoring. BrightCanary's AI for Parents monitors your child on YouTube, Google, social media, and text messages. Visit https://www.brightcanary.io/ for more details. Early Access To Our Black Friday Sale Continues This Week! Get practical strategies that really work with your strong-willed kids. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/black-friday/ to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. AG1 Every week of November, AG1 will be running a special Black Friday offer for a free gift with your first subscription, in addition to the Welcome Kit with Vitamin D3+K2. So make sure to check out https://drinkag1.com/calm to see what gift you can get this week! HAPPY MAMMOTH It's time to feel like yourself again, Moms! For a limited time, you can get 15% off on your entire first order at https://store.happymammoth.com/ with the code CALM at checkout. SIMPLISAFE This week only, you can get 60% off any new system with a select professional monitoring plan. This is their best offer of the year! Head to https://simplisafe.com/calm. There’s no safe like SimpliSafe. AirDoctor AirDoctor comes with a 30-day money back guarantee so if you don’t love it, just send it back for a refund, minus shipping! Head to https://airdoctorpro.com/ and use promo code CALM and you’ll receive UP TO $300 off air purifiers! OneSkin OneSkin is the world’s first skin longevity company. Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at https://oneskin.co. AQUATRU WATER PURIFIER AquaTru comes with a 30-day Money-Back Guarantee. My listeners receive 20% OFF any AquaTru purifier. Go to https://www.AquaTru.com and enter code “CALM “ at checkout. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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So what do you do when your kids melt down, whine, or complain? When you just
tell them to turn off their screens? What about kids who work around parental controls
or won't comply with your rules? How can we compete against that dopamine rush that
your kids get from playing video games? What if our child is addicted to screen usage?
How do we keep our kids safe online?
And at what age should we allow screens in the first place?
Well, that is what we're going to discuss
on today's Q&A episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.
So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.
You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com,
where we have our big sale going on for Black Friday.
So I posted on Instagram and asked what you were struggling with most and look I
really appreciate everybody you take your time to respond you shared such
great questions and I tried to pick the top questions that would enable me to
cover the most ground in about 25 minutes and I'll try to get to the other questions on
future podcasts. Look, this is my fifth attempt recording this and I don't re-record for edits
or mistakes. I just keep them in perfect, but something kept bothering me and I didn't like
the tone. I didn't like how it kind of felt. It felt like something was missing and then it finally hit me. Dealing with screens is no different than any other parenting issue like
defiance, disrespect, getting kids to listen, doing their schoolwork. The
foremost key is always connection. Relationships change behavior. Look, if
you've got a child who doesn't feel good about himself or maybe doesn't get along that well with peers
Well that child is probably going to seek screens as an escape
Let's say a child doesn't have a good relationship with say their father
well, they'll probably disappear into screens with some measure of anger and so these things are fairly normal and
So I want you to focus on that connection.
The other thing it always comes down to is this. I want you to learn how to be the trusted
leader who handles tough situations with no drama, who keeps his or her word, who is constantly
teaching and modeling self-control. These are the same traits we work on for every issue. So I'm
gonna try to give you scripts, very specific strategies, but don't miss
those larger points. Okay, first question. At what age should we begin giving our
kids access to screens? My answer is one word. Wait. Just wait. Wait another six
months, another year, another two.
You've made it this far.
There's no reason to open Pandora's box.
So wait.
I really want you as parents, no matter what decision you're making, I want you to do it
on your terms.
I don't want you to give in to peer pressure.
I want you to do what you want to do, not what other parents are doing.
And I can tell you, you will never regret waiting longer to give your kids access to screens and
smartphones. You're never going to when their older say, man, I really wish I would have done
that sooner. So be patient with it. You know what's best for your child and your family. So wait,
resist, find alternatives. Your kids will learn how to entertain themselves and
use their imaginations when there's no alternative just like we did as kids.
You're not being mean or a bad parent. You're just being a responsible parent.
And I want you to get accustomed to the fact that your kids are going to be
unhappy with your choices
That's just going to happen hundreds of times and it's kind of what you signed up for when you became a parent for those you With older kids your child's first phone doesn't need to be a smartphone
Look their first car isn't going to be a Ferrari
so a flip phone or
Watches come with fewer risks that still allow your kids to contact you
in an emergency, but then they're not exposed to all the dangers.
So look, wait before giving your kids access to social media while they're going through
puberty.
It's just not worth it.
So say no, know they will be upset and know that one day they will thank
you for protecting them from themselves. Okay, really good question. How can we possibly
compete with that dopamine hit that your kids get from playing video games and being on
their screens? And we've talked a lot about how your
kids, especially strong-willed neurodivergent kids, crave brain
stimulation and intense emotional engagement. So imagine how screens kind
of like light up their brains. So here are some different options. Look, the
greatest dopamine hit is connection with your kids.
Intense connection, even for three or five or ten minutes, when you are engrossed in
something they're passionate about is very powerful.
And I know, moms and dads, you're exhausted.
And our kids can be exhausting.
I get that. But practice getting down on the floor,
admiring their creation, whatever they made or built. Ask questions about it. Be curious about
how they built it, even if you don't care. And I know that will offend some of you, but the truth
is I didn't always really care about what Casey was interested in.
But I asked him questions because that demonstrates interest.
With a teenager, be curious about the music that they are interested in that you hate.
Be curious about their seemingly inane stories they tell about their friends.
And I know your whole the whole time like normal parents were like yeah got it got it got it but did you get
your schoolwork done are you studying for that test what about this I get that
but be curious about it affirm them look I used to go to weekend car shows and
car dealerships endlessly with Casey why Why? Because that's what he was passionate about.
Okay, another idea, just go cold turkey.
Just lose that Xbox somehow.
Lose the remote.
Say that YouTube is no longer working.
Whatever you want to do.
That is your choice.
Your kids will eventually revert back
to playing games they used to when there is
no alternative. Now they're going to fight you over this for a while so be
prepared but you have that option especially with younger kids saying you
know what this got out of hand let's let's just take a break from this. Now
here's a tough question and you know I don't do blame or guilt for parents but I do need to ask tough questions. If you don't want
your kids on screens are you willing to allow your kids to make messes? To be
loud? To break stuff like windows? Because that's what kids do when they're not on screens.
They're loud, they make messes, they get into stuff,
they break things.
Do you sometimes prefer the quiet order
that comes with screens versus allowing kids
to get into things to be loud and to kind of romp around?
You've got to ask that honestly. When
your kids ask, hey can we do X or Y? Say yes as often as you can. Even if it
means they'll make a mess or take too long or go to bed late or if they're
just inconvenient. Let them make forts and track in a little mud. Even play in the
mud. Let them play in puddles and do kid stuff that sometimes we as parents we
just get too rigid and I'm just like that. I'm like no what why do you have to
do that because it inconveniences me. Now here's one that's I think extremely
important and I think it's a really good tool when giving your kids ideas or
invitations to do activities
Be very specific and give them some ownership because we'll often say hey guys
Do you want to go ride bikes and they're like no not really
It's too vague and your kids often want context plus strong will willed kids are purposeful kids. Gotta be a purpose. So maybe you say something like this instead. Hey I was
gonna pack up some snacks. Why don't we ride our bikes over to where they're
building those new homes or buildings and we can watch all the excavators and
dump trucks and we'll eat a snack while we're watching. So see that's specific. It's
concrete. It's something your kids are interested in. You could ask them to come
up with, hey what route do you want to ride on to get there? And maybe they want
to ride through the woods, through a stream. That's something that's not
efficient as you would, you you know have it have them do
Let them be annoying to your rigid nature. I'm right there with you on that. Let's like no
That's not the way that you do it. We just take this path and that's how you let them own it sometime
Let them be kids and here's why I like it. It's specific. There's an objective. There's an end
point. There's a reward. The snack. Let them put pick out the snacks. And you've
painted a visual. Plus you gave them some ownership over how they did the activity.
Right? It's like when you ask your kids, hey guys you want to do a science
experiment? I don't know. Maybe. Hey Hey why don't we make a volcano that explodes? What color do you want the lava to be?
See there's some specificity. Hey I'll get the vinegar and baking soda you get
X and Y. Let your kids do science experiments and make messes. All of this
implies that you simplify your life and cut out other stuff.
Sometimes that means you just eat snacks for dinner, that you don't do homework, which
is perfectly fine.
You could not do homework the rest of their childhood and they'll still turn out great.
And you're not doing all those things because you're doing other interesting stuff.
Let your kids do stimulating activities
with some measure of risk.
And I know some of you struggle with this.
I get a lot of emails from moms who are like,
I was an only child or I didn't have brothers.
Well, I grew up with three brothers.
Our whole childhood was just doing stupid stuff
where we could get hurt. We did mischievous
stuff. So look, building a ramp for their skateboard or scooter or bike. I know
you're like, I know, but they could get hurt. That's part of childhood. And
climbing trees, doing something mischievous. That's stimulating for the
brain. Want to know what else provides a great dopamine hit?
You're not gonna like this. Siblings roughhousing with each other.
I've done this on a recent podcast. You have to be comfortable
with your kids wrestling, making lots of noise,
grunting, yelling, and crying. As long as it's
mutual roughhousing, right? Not one
picking on the other. Roughhousing is extremely helpful. It's actually
necessary for your child's developing brain. It's just going to be annoying. It
is. Kids yelling in the house is annoying. So use your noise canceling headphones or turn on some music or have them go outside in Rough House.
But that will get them off screens.
Look, I get it. I do.
We sometimes revert the screens because it keeps kids occupied, happy and quiet.
And that makes sense to me.
And if you have a neurodivergent kid
who calms down for an hour,
while you have some time just to complete some tasks
and get stuff done, you shouldn't feel guilty for that.
We just don't want that to be for hour after hour every day.
Now here's another one that may make you uncomfortable,
but you're simply going to have to lead. We had all these camp kids come to our home and I take them outside
and they would whine and complain, this is boring, this is stupid, I don't want to
do it, it's too hot, it's too cold. And I would just keep walking and we walk into
woods and they discover something they could climb under, build, or throw.
Lead your kids. Don't try to convince them that what you want to do is fun.
Just lead. Now I know not everybody can or will do this, but I was actually very
involved with Casey and his friends even in the middle school. I was always kind
of good with kids. And so we'd play war games in the neighborhood. We'd
play flashlight tag. We'd be a little bit mischievous in the neighborhood. And then
we go for pizza at the local ice rink where they would skate and try
unsuccessfully to meet girls. But there was some dopamine rush to all of
those things that we were doing. Look, get your little entrepreneurs running
their own little business in the neighborhood,
walking dogs, doing the lemonade stand,
refurbishing computers for gaming.
Get those kids with big hearts,
energize, raising money for a charity,
or doing service projects like serving the homeless
or visiting animals at the shelter,
because your kids are good at that.
You know a good one?
Let your kids do adult type jobs. Some of your kids would volunteer with those
charities or a political campaign. Right? They could be your home. They could be a
chef a couple nights a week in your home. The landscaper to earn money. These kids
are often old souls. So get them helping elderly neighbors. Your kids are great
with other adults.
And how cool is that to go down the street and help someone
and that other adult is like,
man, you are such a good helper.
What are you gonna do with your life?
That also, that connection and feeling like I have something
to give and offer other people, man, that's a dopamine hit.
Number three, look, there's hundreds of other
ideas by the way for those things. Just be creative. Get out of your comfort
zone and let your kids kind of just be kids like we were. Number three. What do
we do? We think our son is addicted to his phone and screens. So here's the
conversation I would have. Look, I need to apologize because I gave into peer
pressure and I placed in your hands a
device that is addictive before you were ready for this. And what has happened is it has changed your moods,
it has changed our relationship.
We fight all the time and you don't even have to add the fact of you're distracted,
you're not being active anymore. Your grades are slipping
So look, I'm going to take away your phone for a period of time
You get to choose what that is could be a month three months six months
So we can reset our home and I get it. You're gonna be mad at me and that's okay
Now if your child handles that well, well, that'll be a real surprise
Bravo, right?
Enjoy it. But your child is likely going to freak out and that merely confirms
that you needed to do this in the first place. It is a sign that they are
addicted or have this reliance on screams and it will be ugly and it could
be really ugly for two or three weeks.
But I promise if you stick with it through that withdrawal period because it is a withdrawal.
They are hooked on this. You will usually find that you get your child back. So in addition to
that kind of conversation we have to fill in when you take things away,
always replace it with something that meets the same needs. So even though we're traveling
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month. That's betterhelp.com. Okay, this is a really common one. What do you do
when your kids won't comply, work around your parental settings, or have meltdowns
when you tell them to turn off their screens? Look, I believe the most
compassionate thing you can do for your kids with screens
is to set very crystal clear expectations from the outset
and be consistent in enforcing them.
This is one area of life where I am actually rigid
in setting those and enforcing them.
Look, screen usage is a privilege granted by you.
It's not yet a constitutional right for kids.
And you know I'm endlessly patient with our kids' quirks.
I try to get to the root of issues and I try to be understanding.
But when it comes to these things, I am ruthlessly rigid and consistent.
Because what we decided early on was, we're not going to engage in this constant drama
no matter how much drama the kids create. We decided we weren't going to play those endless
games as back and forth of like, hey you lost your screens and then they're going to be like,
can I have them back yet? Can I have back that? When do I get them back? I'm not doing that constant
arguing and negotiating over this. So provide clarity. Be matter of fact. Whatever you want the
rules to be, no screens at the dinner table ever. Well then just live that out.
It's your home. Stop letting children dictate the parameters of your life in
this area. Hey guys, I do this with younger kids. You have 45 minutes to play
your video games. I will remind you five minutes before you have to turn them off
But when I walk in the room and tell you time is up
It's up if I hear you whine complain try to negotiate or get upset or say I just need to say hold on
That will tell me you are not ready for screens and you will choose to lose your video games for three days.
I don't care what your time limit is. I simply refuse to do all that drama.
It gets so many emails. Well, my kids don't... well then stop it. Stop it. You don't have to play that game.
They will eventually learn. Oh, my mom did that the last eight times. Maybe I need to learn to turn it off after 45 minutes.
There's nothing about this that is mean, that is harsh at all. What is mean is when we get personal.
I can't believe you guys never listen to me. How are you ever gonna be successful in life if you can't follow direct...
All those things. That's mean and hurtful.
This is just being honest.
Here's a common one.
Well, our kids are smarter than us with technology and they work around the parental controls.
And my response is please just be the adult here.
If my kids did that, they would have nothing to have parental controls on.
Seriously, that's not how life works.
I'm not a victim here as the parent. I'm the leader. If they work around my
controls, all of their devices are gone. Period. No drama. I have the ultimate
parental control. Confiscation. Service turned off, no lecturing, no drama.
Right? And what I would encourage you to do if they're that good at technology, I'd rather them spend their time
learning how to code,
learning practical applications with a mentor.
Put that energy into something constructive and productive
rather than just working their way around your controls. I want them to have
a bigger challenge. My daughter changed the passwords on her phone and laptop.
Well good, walk into her room, hand her a slip of paper with the passwords that
you want, you want written on the paper. Hey, I expect these passwords to be back
on your phone and laptop by 6 p.m. And then you walk out of the room. And if she doesn't comply,
the phone and laptop are mine now. Why is that hard? Your child will create drama. You
don't have to participate in it and have endless discussions. My son won't turn in his phone at 9 p.m. Why does he still have
service on his phone? Stop being bullied by your kids in these areas. Take
decisive action and keep your promises. Okay, good question. How can I get my
kids to understand my lessons about screens? My lectures don't seem to be
working. Well, you know if you've listened to our stuff, lectures never work with these kids. So I want to share a couple
important things I did with Casey that had a big impact. I remember it was, I believe
it was Saturday morning, we got up, we were driving somewhere as a family, and Casey said,
Dad, what's wrong today? And I said, you know what, truth is, I knew I should have gone
to bed last night at about 11 p.m., but I just scrolled for what truth is I knew I should have gone to bed last night about 11 p.m
But I just scrolled for like two hours and I and I wasted all this time
And then you know how it is you kind of beat yourself up because you're going to bed late
And I knew that I was gonna be tired the next day and now here
I am kind of beating myself up because I can't be as present with you and in good mood as I wanted to and
because I can't be as present with you and in good mood as I wanted to.
And I apologize for that.
And so I was vulnerable.
Look, I was raised to be kind of like fear and intimidation.
I'm the authority figure.
I just lay down the law all the time.
And so being vulnerable about how I struggled with screens
was really hard for me at first, but you know what happened?
It led to fantastic conversations because then what Casey would say like, yeah I've done that
sometimes man, you get on Instagram, you start strolling on TikTok, your kids who
do that, I guarantee you they beat themselves up a little bit afterwards
like I just wasted three hours of my life on stuff that didn't matter. So then what happened was that led to us having
honest conversations and problem-solving and I would ask him things like, okay so
you know I'm kind of hooked with so what can I do? Well dad, why don't you do this
every night between 5 and 7 p.m. you just don't check your phone. And so I
did that because I wanted to model. Hey, when you get in the car, instead of
checking your phone at every stoplight, because I can see you're kind of praying for a stoplight
so you can check your phone, why don't you put your phone in the center console so you're not
tempted to do that. See, I'm teaching impulse control by modeling it, and I've been through
that in other podcasts, but teaching impulse control and delayed gratification with screens,
Modeling it and I've been through that in other podcasts but teaching impulse control and delayed gratification with screens
incredibly important Here's another thing
Connect with your kids over screens so you can get to the root of some of this. I
Began taking an active interest in the games that Casey played even though I hated them
I didn't understand them, but this is their language. It's their passion.
So I go in sometimes and I'd watch Casey play. I used to play Call of Duty 2.
And I'd be curious about what he was doing, why he liked it. And that actually gave me a lot of
insight into his brain and what needs these games were playing. Think about it. Consistency. He liked
the consistency of knowing what to expect
every time he turned the game on. There's not a mom video game and a dad video game with different
rules. With kids who have very busy brains where life, where school feels out of their control,
having something they're in control of feels really good. There was also the challenge of it,
the brain stimulation. It was an avenue for him to use his critical and strategic thinking skills.
Connection with other kids.
Not the way I want them to do it, but it was an easy way for him to connect with other
kids online.
Now here was the big insight.
My son was actually really good at video games.
He experienced success when he
played Call of Duty 2 and that's really important for kids who don't always
experience success with school, with sports, with behavior or friendships. See
playing video games was one of the few areas in life in which our son was
competent and confident. See, competence breeds
confidence. You're not confident because someone tells you you're amazing.
Confidence comes from knowing you're really good at something, that you have
mastery over something, and he was good at this. Well, did that mean I just let
him gorge on it because he was good at it? No. But it's an important insight.
Next week I'm recording two podcasts on stopping sibling fights, on getting kids
to stop lying. But you know what it's really about? It's about building your
child's confidence. So that's important. Okay, how do we keep our kids safe online?
I would encourage you to think of it as teaching your kids how to ride their bike.
At first you use training wheels so your kids can get accustomed to the feeling of riding
the bike without hurting themselves.
And your ultimate goal is to teach them to be responsible themselves and build trust
so you can give them more independence. But at first, you have to have access
to your kids' devices and their passwords, right?
You probably don't allow your child to have a lock
on their bedroom door for safety reasons.
Because if a safety issue were to come up with your child,
you'd need that access right away.
And I'd make it clear from the beginning that you will
occasionally check on their phone usage and your kids will complain about
privacy. And this is a really critical point your child needs to understand.
There is nothing about their online behavior that is ever private. Whatever
they say can be shared with the world and they
should probably assume it will be. Typing someone something to someone all online
it's not like writing in a diary. It may feel private but it's not private. And
when kids don't understand this They get into difficult social situations with their peers, and they become vulnerable
to online extortion and even sextortion, which too many kids fall into, and it's devastating.
Every day we get emails from parents whose kids are being exposed to explicit content
and images.
We work with families whose kids have received naked images on their
phone from friends or strangers and then they've been expelled from school. And I
know you hate feeling like you're spying on your kids. Now the really cool thing
that we didn't have back in the day is that every day new apps are coming out
that actually help us as parents with this. I'm gonna give you a really cool example that I like because I asked about screens on
Instagram several several people immediately said hey check out Bright
Canary this app. So I began asking some of our friends who've got kids from six
all the way up through the teenage years hey what do you guys use and I kept
hearing Bright Canary so I actually reached out to the company. Here's what
Bright Canary does it's an app that to the company. Here's what Bright Canary does.
It's an app that uses AI to scan a child's views
and messages and even group chats and deleted texts.
And what they do is they detect inappropriate images
and concerning content, anything to do with drugs,
bullying, self-harm.
And a really
fantastic innovation is that with something like Bright Canary, you don't
have to have software installed on your child's phone. So see that makes setup
really simple for non tech savvy people like me, and it works on Apple devices
unlike a lot of other apps. So here's the thing, there are 6
billion strangers on the other side of your child's phone. Bright Canary
provides summaries of your child's communication. It's kind of like a safety
net and then if you see something concerning you can dig into it even
further. And what I love is that you can actually access your child's
interactions from your own phone. Now there are serious ramifications
with safety, so take advantage of those new apps
like the Bright Canary. You can stay involved,
stay connected, stay informed without having to look
over their shoulder. I'll link to the bright canary app in the show notes
But what you'll notice throughout these tough issues is this the answers always come back
building a close trusting relationship
connecting with your kids
Giving them tools to be successful. See just saying like you shouldn't be on screens just get off screens. Well whenever I say no to something inappropriate I always
say yes to something appropriate. I'm using this to teach them how their
brains work because they will probably struggle with screens the rest of their
lives like most of us do and I want them to know well that's pretty normal
because your brain seeks brain a lot of stimulation and especially with our neurodivergent
kids. And so you'll always have a choice between going down kind of a negative
path or learning how to stimulate your own brain in a positive way. And I want
you to continue to learn how to be the trusted leader who doesn't
do drama. I want you to keep your word so your kids can trust you and count on
you. And I want you to constantly teach and model self-control because look
these are the same traits we're working on for every issue. Okay moms and dads,
let's make the changes we need to make. I encourage you, you know what you need to do. I hope
in this one podcast I've given you a few tools to make some of these changes. If
you want we have 35 more hours of instruction in all different areas
including a screens program that you can do. It's on sale on the Black Friday
sale at CelebrateCallum.com. If you need help financially reach out to Casey.
We help everybody.
Okay, so let's make some of these changes even if we do them little by little.
I'm sorry this went a little bit longer than the normal podcast but I was trying to think
like do I want to cut anything out but I didn't so I really do try to respect your time but
I try to fit in a lot of content each week for you
All right. Love you all
Respect you all and the next two podcasts are going to be fantastic about building your child's confidence
which is the root of a
Lot of issues with lying with not taking ownership of their behavior sibling fights. So watch for those coming up
Please share the podcast. All right, talk to you later. Bye. Bye