Calm Parenting Podcast - Should You Ask Less of A Strong-Willed Child?

Episode Date: October 17, 2021

Should You Ask Less of A Strong-Willed Child?What do you do when your strong-willed child doesn’t do chores or homework the way he should? What about the child who melts down and is defiant and disrespectful? Should you ask less of this child? Kirk provides a completely different way of reframing success in your home. A must listen if you have a challenging child. FREE LIVE EVENTS in Northern Virginia, Indiana, and Kansas City in the next few weeks. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/attend-live-events/ to see our full schedule!  Our Fall Sale ends next week. Take advantage of huge discounts on the Get Everything Package & Calm Parenting Package  this month with our Fall Sale.  Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2021/2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you have this strong child who is not living up to your expectations. And if you have a compliant child as well, then you're going to see the disparity between the two, right? And it's like the strong willed child is always in trouble. They're always on red on that behavior chart and they never quite live up to your expectations. And they drain the family of energy and they seem to always be in trouble.

And your family's life revolves around that child. And no matter what you try, it's like, oh, they make everything so difficult. And no matter what you do, you try consequences and you know that doesn't work for this child. And then you try coming down on them hard, like my way or the highway. You know, dads, a lot of us as dads, we like to do that. Or you try to be too sweet to them, and that doesn't work. And you go to therapy, and that doesn't work. And so I want to reframe this for the strong-willed child, because I was on a phone call with a mom.

Great phone consultation. This mom's like, well, what should I just have? Should I lower my expectations for this child? Should I ask less of my strong-willed child? And so I answered this mom in what I think will be a really helpful answer that I want to share with you. And that's what we're going to do on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

You can find us at Celebrcalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our strong-willed son who did not live up to our expectations. And I'm going to use him in some examples in this podcast, but reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecalm.com, because he understands what you're going through. He was that child. He still is a very strong-willed person, and he'll really help you out with it. And we take this very personally because we want you to enjoy your child again. And if you need help financially, he will help you. We'll put together a custom set of resources that we have within your budget. Right now, we've got a huge sale, either Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package, which is everything we've ever created. It's like 35 hours worth of

practical strategies that actually work. And look, it's cheaper than like one or two sessions with therapists, but we get your kids. So here's how I want to look at this. I want you to, so when this mom asks, should I ask less? And my answer was not less, but different. We're not going to ask less of this child. Our expectations are not going to be less, but they're going to be different. They're going to look different. They're going to look different. And so I encourage you reframe what success looks like with your strong-willed child. Because if you're expecting them to just like get with the program, be a compliant child, do exactly what I told you to do, how I told you to do it, you will be

endlessly frustrated and you will create a lot of power struggles with this child. And this child's confidence will plummet. They will feel awful about themselves and say, I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Nobody likes me. You like my sister better than you like me. I'm an idiot. I don't want to go to school, and that does not end well, and so let's reframe what success looks like, and let's make the expectations different and even different than they are from the other child. Why? Because they're different kids, right? If we switched it around, I would have different expectations of the compliant child, right? Why aren't we asking that child to be more of a risk taker, or to be more creative, right? Or to push the limits

a little bit more and be impulsive and question authority figures and do things in a different way. Why don't we ask them to do it, right? Have you ever thought about that? Maybe our expectations are just wrong to begin with, but let's reframe it this way. So what does this look like? So let's take chores, for example. Well, the compliant child is going to do the basic chores that you ask them to do, make their bed, take their dishes to the sink, put the dishes away, feed the dog, whatever you want them to do. But the strong-willed child, no matter what you do, is probably not going to do those things. So how does it look different? Well, you might give them adult chores to do because they like the adult world.

So why not use that to their advantage and to your advantage because you're raising them to be adults? So let them do adult chores around the house. Maybe they go and they help a neighbor down the street with something that the neighbor needs help with. Well, that could be considered a chore, couldn't it? Right? But it just looks different. And they're helping another human being. And your kids are great for other people, aren't they? Right? Stop fighting so much what works. They're awesome for other people. Just resist you and they're horrible for you. So why keep fighting that? Use it to your advantage. And I get to reframe success. And instead of saying, my child just never does what I asked them to do.

I don't know why they can't do simple things. If you reframe it, now you can tell other people, you know what my child does, my strong-willed one? He goes down and he helps an old lady down the street do her chores and change the light bulbs in the house and does yard work for that couple down the street because he loves helping other people. And I love that quality. He does adult chores. I find him outside. He's like raking the leaves or he's shoveling mulch and he's doing heavy work outside. He actually changed the oil in our car last week. Why not brag about them that way? Right? Maybe we should stop bragging about, well, they just do everything that I want them to do when I want them to do it. Well, that's not a great, that's not necessarily a great trait for later in life. It's a good way to get taken

advantage of in the work world. True? If you're too much of a people pleaser, then you end up marrying a controlling man. How's that working out for you? So I'm just saying, you might need to reframe things. Let's look at defiance. I'll give you an example. So we were at a live event one night, and this was quite a few months ago. And Casey, right before the event, I'd gone to the bathroom. I come out of the bathroom, and there's Casey waiting for me. Hey, Dad, here's how we're doing it tonight. And I was like, wait, I'm your father and your boss. I signed a paycheck, right? But this was my thought. Why are you talking to me like that? And you could have thought that that was defiant of Casey.

But what I know is that my son was born to be a general. We called him the Kaiser when he was little because he marched like a general. When Casey does something, he does it with everything that he has, right? When he's motivated, when he walks, he walks with a purpose. He is a straightforward, blunt person. He is very direct. He knows what he likes and he knows what he doesn't like. You never had to worry about wondering what Casey thought of something because he would tell you. And there's a very, very positive aspect of being assertive about what you want. Now, does that veer into being defiant and disrespectful? Absolutely. But in this case, I stepped back for a moment and I thought, this is who my son is. He cares about our business. He cares about how our live events go. And he is a good observer of human nature, like many of your kids. And so he had observed something as he was greeting people that night, as they were coming into the live event,

and he was taking it all in, where we were speaking, who we were speaking to. And he had an idea because he cares about the business. And rather than coming like some kids would, which would be perfectly fine saying, hey, dad, listen, I've got an idea that I'd like to talk to you about tonight. Well, that's not the way my son always does things. And so he just came and said, dad, here's how we're going to do it. You know why? Because he knew that that was the right way. And I could have gotten all flustered, but see, respect for him looks a little different. And so what I'm able to say about my son is I like the fact that he cares. I like the fact that he's assertive and that he takes charge in situations and that serves him

well in life. So that's reframing. School, how do you want to reframe it, right? Well, my child just does his assignments all the time and always does his homework and studies really hard and gets straight A's. Well, that's awesome for that one child that you have, or maybe it's three of them do that. But a strong-willed child isn't going to do that no matter what you do until they actually care about school and have a reason to care. And that's why you have to find out what motivates them, not what motivates you. But what if you reframed it to, I have a curious child who loves to learn, who's always asking questions, who's fidgeting with things, who's tinkering with things and taking them apart. He may not always do his assignments, but man, he reads a lot and he's always curious

and he asks other adults questions about adult type things. My child has an Etsy business that's actually making money. Well, aren't they learning from that? And isn't that a productive use of their time or doing service projects, having their own business, right? That's a different way. So you're reframing what success looks like, right? Because couldn't we switch that around and say, well, you know, my one child just, you know, does all their homework and gets A's, but, you know, he's not really curious about a lot of other things. He just does the assignments he's been told to do, but he's not really curious about other things. He's not like reading about other topics that aren't assigned. And that my daughter who does everything she's asked to do, you know, she

doesn't really have a side business or anything. She doesn't go around the neighborhood collecting money for a charity that she believes in, right? Couldn't we switch that around? And so when you reframe things, it will build your child's confidence, right? It's kind of like, let me give one more example. It's like the morning routine. I know what I want in the morning. I want my child to get up early and maybe get some exercise so their brain's ready to learn. And I want them to eat blueberries and avocado so they get some good healthy fats so their brain is like ready to go. And I want them to have their backpack ready and be ready early and get off to school on time and for it to go

so well. I love that. But many of you have a strong willed child who's just not going to do it that way. And so what if for them you said, look, I've got one goal in the morning. The school bus comes or the carpool leaves at 721 a.m. I don't care what you look like, what you smell like. I don't care what's in your stomach. Just be on that school bus, be in that carpool at 721. And if you're smart enough to wear the clothes to bed that you're going to wear to school the next day, that's brilliant. Why worry about it in the morning? Just wear what you're going to wear to school the next day. Who cares what you look like? Just get up. You can roll out of bed at 719. You can grab the Pop-Tart that you hid underneath your bed because I know you hoard food up in your bedroom. And you can

run out to the school bus at 721. You don't even have to have your shoes on. You can put your shoes on on the bus. And at the end of the day, if that child made the school bus on time or made it into the carpool on time, you know what your appropriate response is? Nice job getting ready for school. Now, you're not going to like how they do it, but they did it. And see, that's reframing what success looks like. They didn't do anything less than the other child. They just did it differently.

And who's to say that doing it differently isn't in many ways the better way? That's a lot to think about. And so I want you to maybe listen to this podcast again. Share this one with your spouse. Share it with other people, please. Because look, we're raising a generation of kids that feel awful about themselves. And we're trying to pigeonhole them and try to make them just like us and like everybody else. And it's working against you, and it's working against them,

and it's creating all kinds of power struggles, and you fight with your child all the time, and you're always on them, and you're down on them, and they feel bad about themselves. We have to change that. We have the power to do that by reframing things. And I encourage you, definitely listen to the Strong Build Child program. It's one of the flagship programs of everything that we have

because it will help you understand this child in different ways. Otherwise, you're going to destroy the relationship with them, right? And how they feel about themselves. And the thing is, this is unnecessary. If you understand how their brains and hearts work, you can enjoy this child and you can really reframe it and they can feel successful. And you're preparing them for the real world in ways that maybe your compliant child won't. But wrestle with these issues. Go through these programs. I promise you they will change how your child feels about himself or herself and how you view them. And that's invaluable. And share it with your own judgmental parents, right?

Who think you just need to discipline more. And share it with their teachers and other people. Because this changes. This changes relationships. And that's what we want. So if we can help you, reach out to Casey. C-A-S-E-Y at celebratecalm.com. He, like your kids, will be very respectful towards you.

He won't be as direct and blunt towards you because you're not his dad or his mom. So reach out to him. We'll help you out. We love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.