Calm Parenting Podcast - Sibling Fights: What Are The Consequences?

Episode Date: May 21, 2023

Sibling Fights: What Are The Consequences? Siblings lash out, provoke and even hit one another. So how do you stop this from happening and what should the consequences be? Kirk provides three important points to help stop kids from lashing out at siblings. Need more help? Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Questions? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. My assumption is if you have more than one child, you are going to have sibling fights. You're going to have arguments. They're going to poke each other, irritate each other. Sometimes

they're going to lash out at each other. It's just going to happen. So what do you do in that moment? How do you prevent this? What are the consequences that you give? That's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, age of the kids, what are you struggling with? We talk about it as a family, and then we get back to you, usually pretty quickly and very specifically, because our mission is to help you with these strong-w will kids. So here's what we're going to talk about today. Sibling issues. Sibling issues tend to come from one of

three places. Boredom, resentment, or just plain frustration. So boredom, very quickly. Your kids, many of your kids don't get enough dopamine or blood flow to the brain. Their brains are physiologically understimulated. That's why they're always looking for intense stimulating, stimulation. They're fidgeting, they bounce their legs, they procrastinate, they argue with you. All of these things are intended to stimulate their brain. So a kid's sitting around and he's bored, what's he gonna do? He's gonna poke his sister or almost poke is even worse or he's going to look at his brother and then mom's going to get upset and come in the room. Can't you just leave your sister alone? And then dad's going to get

upset because his wife is upset, right? So one child by just looking at a brother or sister gets three people upset. Solves the boredom. Not a good way to do it and we can go over that in another podcast, right? But not this one. So the second one is resentment. You've really got to watch this. Because in your home, you may have the strong-willed child who tends to be in trouble a lot. Doesn't feel good about himself. Often says, like, I'm dumb. I'm stupid. You like my brother more than you like me.

And then there might be more of the compliant or golden child. Well, what's going to happen? The child who's always in trouble is going to take things out on the good child. That's as old as Cain and Abel, right? It's just how things work. And then the other one place sibling fights come from is just plain frustration. And that's what we're going to deal on with in today's episode of the podcast. So if you need more on that, we have a complete program on just stopping sibling fights. It's one of the 13 programs in the Calm Parenting Package or you get the Get Everything Package, right, on the website. So in the end, there are very few real sibling issues. Most of the time,

it's a boredom issue or it could be a confidence issue. See, if I feel good about myself, if I get a vision for my life, I don't have time or the inclination to pick on a issue. See, if I feel good about myself, if I've got a vision for my life, I don't have time or the inclination to pick on a sibling. See, you solve some of these things not by just addressing the outward behavior, but by getting to the root of it. And sometimes it's just a self-control issue, right? It's just that the sibling happens to be in close proximity

to become the target. So here's the specific situation with three points that I want to address today. I was posting on Facebook and a mom, a really good mom, asked this question. Hey, any advice on sibling hitting? My four-year-old has big emotions and she often hits her brother or pokes him or just gets in his face and it's getting worse and now he's hitting two. And so look, in this instance, it's not a sibling issue. This is a frustration issue. A bright, frustrated little girl gets frustrated when she gets disappointment and does what she knows to do, which is hit her innocent brother. So three points. Point number one, I want to focus on giving kids tools to deal with their frustration, to deal with the disappointment. Some kids lash out because that's all they know how to do when frustrated. They don't know how to say, hey mom

and dad, I have this vision in my head of how the day was supposed to go. I've got this agenda some ideas and now it's not going to plan and I'm frustrated. Could you help me reset myself and problem solve now? And they don't know how to say that so they lash out. So here's what I would work on. Let's try using intensity during these moments to help your daughter with her frustration right we give intensity and validation intensity in a physical activity to do because remember motion changes emotion it's a good way to help kids calm down and it's that intensity that sometimes calms kids or make them feel like they're being heard or taken seriously. That's why simple redirecting and distractions don't work or just saying, oh honey, it's okay. It's not a big deal.

Moms, you don't like that when your husband says that, right? It's like giving a really hungry adult a piece of lettuce when he needs a burger or a steak, right? So I like phrases like, oh man, if I were you, honey, I'd be really frustrated too. That feels validating. Like you're really getting your daughter. What I didn't say was, so if I were you, I'd hit your brother. I'd punch a hole in the wall. That's not what I said.

I just validated this. Hey, if I were you, I'd be frustrated too. That starts to engage the child and it feels very calming rather than dismissing them. And then the second thing to follow up on is let's give kids, your kids, some intensity. And I like physical intensity, a certain movement, an exercise, a physical activity that you do or you lead them to when the child is upset, right? To see if you can draw that child in. You can use intensity in your own voice, but not at your child, right? So it may sound like, oh man, I can tell you're really frustrated and I would be too. So you know what I do when I get

frustrated? And then I start doing something like in freaky intense jumping jacks or pushups or doing something physical outside. That's why I love having obstacle courses in the basement, in the backyard, things that your kids have to climb under, climb over, things they have to pull, a rope they have to climb up, right? Something they can throw themselves into. A lot of our kids, it's weird. A lot of our kids love shoveling mulch.

I know a four-year-old's probably not going to do it, but older kids can. Have some things around the house, outside of the house that they can help you with, that they can do. Climbing on things, jumping on things, a trampoline sometimes works. And usually just suggesting the action item, honey, you're really upset, why don't you go do X? They're not going to always do it then. So sometimes you have to lead. So you begin doing the physical exercise and see if they just follow you. Sometimes you give your child a job or a mission to do that has nothing to do with the current situation, right? You don't always have to go like, we need to talk about your frustration right now, right? Instead, it's like, let me give them a mission, something they feel in control of,

right? So that's like, oh, you know what, honey, I could really use your help opening this jar. Do you think you could do that? Could you go into the pantry, get the spaghetti sauce? Could you open that jar for me? Giving kids something that they feel in control of in the moment sometimes is settling and calming because part of the frustration is, I don't feel in control of this situation. And we usually just say, calm down, calm down. They don't know how. And what they're thinking is, apparently you haven't even mastered that skill and you're 38. So I give them something in their control. Point number two, get to the root of the issue. So the mom replied, as she should have. So we don't give consequences. We don't punish at all. No consequences, right? By the way, short little thing here, just so we're clear.

We don't punish. I don't punish. Punishment doesn't work, right? I can teach. I can lead. I can give a consequence, sure. But discipline literally means to teach. It doesn't mean to punish. So I just want to be clear. So no punishment for this, no consequences. And mom, like many of you, has this little voice in her head that tells her, well, I can't let my daughter get away with this over and over again. So my response was, I'm fine with a consequence, but it won't stop anything, right? Consequences are important. Like you have to give a consequence to establish boundaries. But look, the truth is this, consequences tend not to change behavior and your kids already know what they're doing is wrong. This four-year-old little girl, or your 14-year-old, doesn't matter,

she already knows that she's not supposed to hit her brother. That's intrinsic. You already know that, right? So I'm fine with a consequence, but it won't stop anything. It's not the solution, right? Let's just imagine that your son or daughter is hungry, and when they get hungry, they lash out. Well, I'm not going to give a child a consequence for being hungry. I'm going to feed the child, right? So when

I feed the child, I meet that internal need and then the external behavior changes. So I really encourage you to focus on that. That's partly why we want to learn how to calm ourselves down. Slow our own internal world down. Have these tools. Look, it's why I want you listening, going through our programs on the app. It's on this easy to listen to app right on your phone so you can listen literally all day. When you're in the car, listen when your kids are at home. Let them hear it. It's good for them. They're teaching life skills in it. So I want you to listen so that you're in that mode of I'm not reacting. I'm slowing my world down. And so I'm watching. I see my daughter hit and lash

out. And instead of reflexively reacting, honey, stop hitting your brother. If you keep doing that X, I can think for 20 seconds and say, oh, I wonder what's really going on here, right? Because once you meet the internal need, the external behavior changes. You feed the child, guess what? Not hangry anymore. Probably stops acting out. So we want to get to the root of the issue, point number two.

Point number three, learn how to model controlling your own emotions. So the mom said, you know, I've never really tried anything with consistency. Okay, good, no blame, no guilt, just start being consistent because I'm confident that'll help. And mom says, I need to set an example of how to handle my intense emotions, I was not a good example today. Send help, right? So there's no blame, no guilt. It's just the reality that 95% of the time, this is not just about the child's behavior. It's also a frustration issue for the parents. Look, I don't do blame and guilt, but you can't escape this. If the dad in the home cannot control his own emotions, that has to be addressed. You can't walk around with a dad who's

always frustrated, lashing out and yelling and always frustrated, and then expect the little kids and the grown kids, right, the teenagers, to learn how to control themselves. It's no blame or guilt on the dads, but you have to step up with that. You can't excuse that. Same thing with moms. You can't be reactionary and always lecturing and yelling and doing all those things and then expect kids to do differently. It doesn't work, right? If you can't control your own emotions as an adult, how can you expect a little kid to do so? So no blame, no guilt. But look, this is important.

Also, no excuses and no more procrastination. I want you to take this seriously for this issue. These things can go on like, well, we'll just try. We'll do better. No, that's not good enough. And again, I'm not imposing putting guilt on you but this has real ramifications right year after year of this going on of watching mom or dad or both not be able to control themselves and then you get a little bit later and the kids are

bigger it just gets harder so I want to do this now. So let's finally, let's do this. Make the long-term changes or everything else is just a band-aid and it will get worse. Because look, remember we had the voice of the daughter before of like, oh my day got ruined and my plans and I'm frustrated. Could you help me out? Here's what else she is saying. This is what your child is saying. Mom and dad, I need you to help me with my frustration when I get disappointed. When I get disappointed. But of course you can't help me because I can see right now that you're frustrated, that your day isn't going as planned because I ruined your agenda. And I can see that you're frustrated because I'm frustrated. But see, I'm just a

little kid, but I see my big strong daddy or my grown-up mommy upset all the time and getting that irritated look. So I guess this is just how life works and what I'm supposed to do, so I'll keep lashing out. Once again, no blame, no guilt, but also no excuses. I want to change this. So please listen to the podcast. Work on this stuff. Go through the Calm Parenting Package, the Get Everything Package, and listen to it. I've done this for a long time. I know this. People who invest in a program and who listen to it and who work at it, they make changes.

And things change because it can't help but change. If you become a new person where you're not reactive anymore, that will bleed over. Your spouse will begin to see you modeling it, see you changing right in front of them, right? And your kids more than that, your kids will see it and be like, why aren't you yelling anymore? Why aren't you reacting? It was the greatest gift I gave my son was to break the generational pattern that I got from my dad, who was career military, my way or the highway approach, yelling and screaming, fear and intimidation approach, right? That's a manipulative approach that says, I can't control myself, so I need you to behave

because if you don't behave, I can't behave. That's what my dad learned from his dad. And my greatest gift to my son, and I almost ruined it, right? I went nine and a half years doing what my dad did with me and with his four sons. And I finally changed that. That's my gift to my son. Because when he becomes a dad, he's not going to have to break that pattern anymore. Or maybe you have something from your mom, right? Maybe it's the after all I do for you and you can't even, well, that's manipulative too. See, it's because I've done so much for you, you owe me to behave. That's manipulation. That's not a relationship. So I want to dig in here and break some of these generational patterns. It's really hard work. I know that. That's why we created the program.

So I do the podcast because it's really important. It's not just like a fun little mommy daddy thing. It's really important because we're talking about generational stuff. We're here to help you. If you need help with it, contact us, right? I know that you're a good mom and dad because you're listening to a parenting podcast, right? And I appreciate that. I appreciate you sharing this with others. And I appreciate you working so hard.

Let's dig into this. Do what it takes. Look, if you listen to our programs and you email me and say, hey, here's my trigger. Here's what I'm struggling with. I will help you personally with those things, right? Because you've invested your time, your money in these programs and you're working at it. And so I'm investing in you and we change these things. That's what we exist for, right? So anyway, love you all. Thank you for doing this. We'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye.