Calm Parenting Podcast - SPECIAL PODCAST: Mother's Day Message For My Mom

Episode Date: May 9, 2021

My Mom is 87 and has fought for decades through many battles. She is an amazing woman. The fight, though, appears to be fading in the twilight of her life. She can no longer read emails or cards, so I wanted to send her a tribute she can listen to over and over again. And by proxy thank all the Moms who sacrifice for their children. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So this podcast is for my mom. I've never done anything like this, but my mom is 87 now and she can't see well at all. And so she can't read, which means I can't really send her emails anymore, losing her sight. She can't read and it's kind of depressing. It's really, really hard. And so I wanted her to be able to hear this. And I'm hoping in sharing this, that it will encourage other moms that you're doing a good job and to focus on the right things because moms have the hardest job in the world. And sometimes you think you're not doing

enough or like when I do phone consultations, I mean, half of it feels like it's just letting moms know you're doing a good job. Your child's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay. And so I wanted to record this for my mom. I did one version of it already, and I sobbed pretty much through the whole thing. So I'm going to try to do this one without sobbing. But my mom's got a really, she's got such a legacy. But I'll tell you a couple things about my mom. So as a kid,

she grew up in a very simple era, like in the 40s and early 50s, and she loved to dance. So what she talks about all the time, I love to dance. That's all we did as kids. It was simple. It was innocent. We danced. And my mom loved going with boys. And apparently, she went with multiple boys at the same time, from what we can tell, because there are always boys and more boys. Now, she went with multiple boys at the same time, from what we can tell, because there are always boys and more boys. Now she didn't do bad stuff with the boys, of course, because she didn't do that back then. But she loved her dancing and she loved dancing with boys. And so she grew up this very simple era. She gets into the late 50s. She marries my dad. They get pregnant. She's got two little kids. They're

living overseas because my dad was in the service. And she always laments like, oh, I wish I would have seen more. I don't know. I was like, mom, you were raising two infants in a foreign country. That's what you were concerned with, right? Because she's always, my mom is always lamenting things, but she doesn't realize just how much she's accomplished in life and how much she's seen and what her impact is in life. So here's one of the things I want you to know about my mom. My mom's a fighter.

So my mom, when I was about, I think I was about 11 or 12, she has a heart attack. And so she was announced dead on arrival. My mom was dead. And somehow she came back to life because my mom's a fighter. She doesn't fight people, but she fights obstacles and stuff that tries to get her down. So she survives a heart attack. Now, then she gets breast cancer. Well, she survives breast cancer. She survived my dad. And I don't mean she lived longer than him, which she has, but she survived

him. But my dad, and I'm not going to bash my dad because it's my mom's, you know, ex-husband. And so, right. And, but he was not a great guy. He had good intentions. He meant well, but he can't, he couldn't handle stuff. And he was abusive and he was abusive to us, but he was really abusive to my mom. And my mom did something that nobody else did in her era. This is in the mid 1970s, right? This is very male dominated. And my mom had stayed home. She had four boys. We were teens and preteens at the time.

Well, my mom decided to protect us. And so she saved up money on the side over time. I don't even know how long it took. But with a friend, she figured out she rented a little townhome on the other side of town. And when my dad went away on one of his business trips, a moving van showed up and moved us all to that new home. Nobody did that back then. That was an act of courage and sacrifice that nobody can imagine. To move with four boys And somehow she'd been out of the workforce. My mom had been out of the workforce by that time for 15 years. So what's she going to do in the mid-1970s? And so my mom has to get a job, support herself, being a secretary. And I remember

doing all kinds of odd jobs that were in many ways demeaning for someone like her. And she never, ever complained because she loved her four boys. She had four boys that she adored more than anything else. And so that takes strength to do that. And my mom's always, I'm going to tell you what happened next. She got multiple sclerosis. Well, she probably got multiple sclerosis. And this is what I just realized is I think she got that because of the stress from my dad.

My mom. I would apologize, but I don't need to. My mom bore my mom bore in her body the ravages of MS for the last 30 years, she bore that for her four boys. So we wouldn't have to bear that from my dad. That's what she did she's never complained once she always says how good she has it she never blamed my dad she never blamed anybody that's a lot of strength. She fights every day to watch her because she's gotten very frail, right? So mom, you need to eat some freaking food. So mom, don't listen to your doctors.

They haven't helped you in 30 years, right? Eat whatever you want, right? You're 87, right? Because she gets up in the morning. Look, I watched my mom a couple of weeks ago. Mom, when she goes from her wheelchair to climb in the car, which is a fantastic thing that she's accomplishing every time she does it, that takes like 20 times more energy than anybody else. So when I call her, because I try to talk to her every day or every other day, she's like, oh, I'm so tired. I'm like, mom, for you to get in the shower, right? Knowing you could fall because she was just in rehab because she fell and the people rehab are like, oh, she's not safe. She's going to need 24 hour care. We need to keep her here. Well, what did my mom say? I'm not trusting any of you. I'm

going home because if I'm going to live out my life, I'm going to live at home. And she's got home and she's doing everything she did before. It's just that after she takes her shower in the morning, she's tired, and then she needs an early nap. I'm like, Mom, you don't have anything you have to do. Take the nap. You've earned the right to do whatever you want to do because you sacrificed for everybody else your entire life.

So just do what you want to do. Don't beat yourself up for it. You're tired. Part of it is because you're 87, mom, you're old, right? And you've been fighting for a long time. So stop fighting yourself. Just let yourself be tired. And if you want to take a nap, take a nap. When you wake up, if you want to eat a brownie and ice cream, get some good fat in you, right? You're not going to get fat, right? So just eat. But anyway, my mom fights every day. And so, and it's her grandkids. You know, there's a reason that her grandkids love her more than anything else. And I'll tell you that in a minute but my mom has survived MS. Mom you're a badass. My mom's an amazing person and she's going to leave behind her. Not getting

ready yet mom but I want you to know that you've lived a good full life. Three legacies. One, you've got four boys. You have four boys who all turned out well. Now, I know it's hard to compare to me, mom, but your other, I'm kidding, but she's got four really interesting, good sons. And then look, the likelihood of that, think about this, mom. Think of all the friends in the neighborhood where we grew up. All of them had four, five, six kids. At least one or two of the kids turned out to have some really bad issues. You've got four boys who are good dads without having a good role model, who are good husbands, have good jobs, have created a nice life for our

families. We're respectful, responsible, pretty loving people. That came from you, mom. Anything that's good in us came from God and it came from you. So you've got four boys that will live on and carry on your legacy every day. Secondly, your grandchildren. Your grandchildren adore you. You will live on through your grandkids and your great-grandkids. And I'll tell you, you are Casey's inspiration. Casey loves his grandma. When Casey, Casey's big into hiking mountains and doing all kinds of cool things now and skiing and doing all kinds of adventures.

And he always mentions, I get that from grandma, because I always think, well, I've got a little mountain to climb. I've got this I've got to do. But my grandmother has been fighting 30 years through her MS, and she never gives up. Mom, every time you get an email or you see pictures from Casey doing something great, you're his inspiration. You inspired that.

They love you. And in case he has kids, guess who he's going to talk about? He's going to talk about you. He's going to talk about his grandma and all these things that you did with him. And you know what you did with him? And this is really important for moms to hear and for you to hear, mom. My mom always laments because she couldn't move a lot. Well, I wish I could have done things with the kids. Mom, you did the best thing ever. You, because you couldn't do much, you sat with the kids. You sat with your grandkids.

I remember with Casey when he was little. Look, I don't know about the moms here, but as a dad, when kids are little, they want to do the same thing over and over again, like 4,000 times, and for you to watch and give them undivided attention. I had a hard time with that. My mom, though, would sit and watch Casey. Remember, Mom, when he was learning how to rollerblade before he learned how to skate, he would rollerblade in the basement in Greensboro, in our home, my mom would sit in that basement and watch that kid for hours, literally hours at a time, and somehow be interested in it and make Casey feel like he was the most important person in the world. And she never got tired of it. And she'd tell

him how good he was doing, even if he wasn't good, because that's what my mom does. And that's what my mom has done for us, me and her four sons, is that she always makes you feel like you're the most important person and that you're a good person. And she's always done that. And you will live on through your your grandchildren and great

grandchildren are going to know about you and when casey's hiking up mountains with a kid on his back he's going to tell them i do this because my grandmother never gave up and she never complained and third you're living on through me my mother has never uttered a critical word toward me, maybe behind my back to the other brothers, but she doesn't even do that with the other brothers. She's always positive. So one of the reasons I call my mom a lot isn't for her, it's for me. If I'm having a bad day, I call my mom and I instantly feel better about myself after we talk.

We laugh, She encourages me. She writes me really kind, thoughtful notes. I can't really read them that well anymore, right? But she writes them and I have them and I've kept them all because she's kept all of mine too because we're both good at that. But I tell her every time I write her a note, you're the greatest mother ever. And I'm not just saying that. It's true.

For all the moms out there, you're good moms, but my mom is better. I'm kidding. But my mom is the best mom I could have ever asked for. She has left in me a wellspring of goodness, kindness, right? That's her thing. Kindness matters. My mom is the eternal optimist and the eternal kindness matters and all those sappy things.

But it oozes from her. And so she's got four boys, four boys who are thoughtful and kind and good guys. That just doesn't just happen, Mom. It doesn't just happen. You did that. You created that. Your grandkids are growing up like that. That came from you.

And so thank you for that. And so, Mom, that. And so mom, hold on a second. I know this will sound weird, but I think we need to release you. Life is getting very, very hard. We can hear the difference. And every day is a struggle.

You have fulfilled. You've fulfilled your mission. You've done it. You did it extremely well. Overcoming all these things. Bearing in your body. Right? What is it that we say that Jesus did?

Is he bore in his body things so that we wouldn't have to. Look what you have done your entire life for us. You sacrificed for us so that our lives could be much better and they're really good. You have four boys with really good lives and And your grandkids have really good lives. You did that, Mom. And so when you are ready, whether it's 10 years from now or 10 days from now, we release you. We release you.

You go out. I want you to go out on your own terms. And I know this may sound like a weird thing to say, but what a gift is what I've always prayed for you, that you would go out on your own terms, that it would be of your choosing. I think you've earned that right now. You're 87. You struggled. And I know it sounds weird, but I talked to you about this the other day. I'll miss calling you. I'm going to miss hearing your voice when you're gone. And look, just add a little bit for those who think, well, this is weird. Why are you talking about it? We thought, we thought my mom was going to die for like the last 15 years. We used to do these beach vacations

where all the brothers and the families got together. And we say, well, you might think we really need to do it again. This might be mom's last year. That was like 15 years ago, right? But my mom keeps fighting. But I wanted to know, I don't know if the other brothers agree, but I wanted to know, we love you. We're thankful for you. You've done your job and you've lived a good life. And so when you're ready, you should feel released to go to a better place where you won't have this pain and this struggle all the time. Because I know I'm going to see you and I know we're going to joke

and we're going to laugh again. And I'm going to see you and you're not going to be in all this pain. And I look forward to that. And I will miss you, but I will see you again. But I love you, Mom. I love you. And I'm so thankful for you. And I promise that I will live the rest of my life worthy of you.

And that includes eating dessert, even though I know it's not always good for me. My mom and I, our favorite tradition is when I come visit, I always tell her she has to make me brownies. And she does. Even though it's really hard for her, she does. Last batch mom, by the way fantastic and so every night we're sitting around about 9 30 or 10 o'clock I'll get up and say like anybody want dessert and my mom always says oh honey I don't want a lot tonight well I'll load on brownie or two

but a ton of ice cream whipped cream whatever I can find can find. And she'll say, oh, honey, I can't eat all that. And there she is, all stooped over with her face down in the bowl. And she will finish that bowl. It may take 30 minutes, but she finishes it every time. So, mom, for the rest of my life, I'm going to honor that. I'm going to enjoy all the desserts that I can. And I want you to know, I love you, mom. I love you. And I'll see you soon.