Calm Parenting Podcast - Stop Battles Over Screens: 5 Ideas

Episode Date: February 10, 2021

Stop Battles Over Screens: 5 IdeasOf course you battle over video games, phones, and screens. Kirk provides 5 practical ways to reframe this issue and actually make concrete changes in your daily life. Our Valentine's Day Sale Ends This Weekend! You get the Calm Couples Marriage Mentoring Program FREE with your purchase of the Calm Parenting Package or the Get Everything Package. You have a choice in 2021. You can GROW UP or GROW APART.   Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Do you have a child who is overly dependent, reliant on screens, maybe an addicted to screens? Do you fight about video games, social media, the phone, everything to do with the screen kind of all the time? Well, that would make you a normal person in today's society. So that's what I'm going to address today. We're going to try to begin to turn the ship a little bit in this area in a short podcast. I want you to try a few things this week. So welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is

Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, email our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Casey is actually a great resource for you with screens because he is fantastic at controlling his screen time, at really managing his time, and really drawing boundaries. From a teen years, he was really good for whatever reason about drawing boundaries and owning his own time and not really getting sucked into the whole thing. So if you ever reach out to us, feel free to ask Casey about that because he's really good at it. So here's what I want to talk about today. We're not going to solve the whole screen issue in your home in one podcast. We have

an entire program on that. It comes with the Calm Parenting Podcast. Take advantage of that. But I want to at least begin to change maybe how we view it and give you a few ideas. So here are a few ideas. Number one, I would call a family meeting, not during the week, do it over the weekend. And because kids hate family, kids, we need to have a family meeting. And they're like, oh, and then you're going to come and say, guys, we need to talk about screen usage in our home. And your kids are like, oh, now you're going to come in and say, guys, we need to talk about screen usage in our home. And your kids are like, oh, now you're going to be a responsible adult and limit our screen time. And then you say, yeah, listen, mom and I, or if it's just you or it can be dad and I, but mom and I, you know, we're on our screens too much.

Like I pick you up from school and my head's kind of in a screen. I come to a stoplight and I glance down at my phone and I'm kind of at home sometimes. You know, it feels like I'm distracted and I don't feel like I'm fully giving you all my attention. And so we're wondering, do you guys have some ideas for how we might stop that and be on our screens less. And then watch them sit with their mouths open wide as the adults in the home, who are the leaders in the home, take the lead on this because the truth is you and I do struggle with that. And how can we ask our kids to change

if we, and control themselves, if we can't, right? So you're taking leadership. And if you need to apologize to them, apologize to them, right? Look, I need some ideas to help reduce my reliance. What could I do from now on when I'm in the car so I'm not always looking at it? And when they come up with ideas, well, mom, maybe when we're in the car, you just keep your phone in the center console so you're not even tempted. You know, that's actually a really good idea. I'm going to start doing that.

And then start doing that. And let them see what it's like. And you're modeling for them what you want them to do. And because you changed, now there's no excuses for them not to change, right? It's a really cool thing when we can start to own this. And it will totally throw them off when you lead with it, right? It's a really cool thing when we can start to own this and it will totally throw them off when you lead with it, right? Number two, you may create a new family tradition, right? I would even ask your kids for a little bit. You don't have to ask them to come up with everything,

but if they have a little bit of ownership, well, then they own it a little bit more. No screens ever at the dinner table, right? You could do a screen-free time every evening, say from like six o'clock to 7.30, or if that's too long, from six o'clock to 6.03. Kidding. But you could do it for 15 minutes. You could do it for 20 minutes and just get some progress, right?

All phones up on the kitchen counter at X o'clock, whatever time you want it to be. Technology free Tuesday. Every Tuesday night, technology free Tuesday. So in the evening, we're going to play board games. Oh, you know why they call them board games? Because they're boring. Oh, oh. And you're just going to have to, again, lead your kids. Because if you give in when they give you a hard time, well, guess what? You're not being the leader anymore. And they're looking for leadership. And I can promise you this. Your kids often beat themselves up because they know they're kind of addicted and they'll sit

there for hours at a time playing their video games or Minecraft and everything on their phone. And at the end of it, they're drained and they're lethargic and they know I just wasted four hours and I have no idea what I got out of it, right? So you're actually doing them a favor by liberating them, but you have to push through it. So what we did at camp when we had all these kids at camp, can we get on our phones? Can we play ideas? Can we do it? Nope. We're going outside. I don't going to go outside. It's too hot. It's too cold. I don't like playing games. And we just went outside and I just was unmoved by it. And I would just walk and I would lead them. And when I got them out into the woods or I got them into a place where I would hide something or we played a treasure hunt game or something slightly mischievous

and inappropriate, maybe they love that. Once I got them outside doing it, after a while, if I pushed through, they would do it and they got to see, oh, okay, that was much better. So lead. Be tough with your kids. You don't have to yell, right? You don't have to reason with them. You don't have to talk too much. This is just the way we roll now, right? If I fix dinner and you delay coming to dinner because your head's in a phone, you forfeit both your dinner and the screens. It's the don't mess with me attitude. I'm not going to lecture. I'm not going to badger you. Just let you know. This is how we roll in the home right now. I'm very clear about this because when I fix you

dinner, you better be there. And if you're not, you lose your dinner, you lose your phone. And if you want to whine, complain all night long and scream at me and be upset, I'm completely comfortable with that because I'm the adult in the home. And what I want you to know is your mood does not change my mood. And you have a choice to make. Next time I call you for dinner, probably ought to make a better choice, right? Get comfortable. Number four, get comfortable with their discomfort and happiness. I should

probably do an entire podcast on this, right? Because sometimes we end up giving in and giving them screens because if they don't have their screen, then they're going to be bored and all their friends have it. But you're not responsible for entertaining your kids and making them happy. They're capable of overcoming their own boredom. So don't let their behavior change your behavior. Lead them even through their whining and complaining. Okay. This is hard, but you have to get comfortable with their discomfort. Well, I'm just really, I, you know, I just don't want that. So I'm just going to give it right. That's a big trap. You know, in the end, what I really want us to, the big theme that I really want to hit

on here is this. I want to reframe this from you don't get to have this to we are free from being controlled by this electronic thing in our hands to do other things that are meaningful, that create memories, right? So I'm reframing from, you know what? You don't get to have this anymore. I'm taking it away from you to, no, I'm liberating you. I'm liberating you from something that you can't even control. And I get this all the time. Well, I just want to get my child a phone so that he can practice because I want him to learn to be responsible and learn how to control it. My advice, I hate saying it, my advice to you is this.

It's not going to work. They can't control it because you and I can't control it. We're grown adults. Why am I going to hand a 6, 8, 10, 12, 14-year-old something and expect them, well, I just trust that you're going to be able to control it. They can't, right? Setting them up for failure, right? It's like handling someone who struggles with addiction. Well, look, I'm just going to give you a couple beers and I believe that you're going to be able to keep them. No, they don't. They can't handle it. And I want you to know your kids don't love their screens I know they're addicted sometimes and it wastes a lot of time but they don't love it it's a fallback in the absence of having something genuine the real thing something meaningful

connection with human beings right I can't do this whole example I've got fantastic examples of things you can do with your kids because so when you do that and they end up baking cookies and taking them down to the retirement center or the homeless shelter and they connect with real human beings, it's something that brings them alive. And when they start running their own little business and they do things that are purposeful, that will get them off of screens much more quickly than the constant back and forth, back and forth, back and forth all the time. Right? So I wish we had more time to go through. I'm not going to do it on this podcast of how we get kids to actually, it's replacing them with something meaningful, but I threw out a couple ideas there. I'll try to do it again sometime,

but I wanted to close with something that I wrote that hopefully you can internalize and it will give you strength and courage for this because this is what I really kind of want to say inside with my kids. It is precisely because I love you and because I cherish our relationship, that I'm not giving you a screen or an iPhone yet. Because once I do, I will no longer see your eyes looking at me. Because it will always be in a screen. And you will rightly say, I am robbing you of something that all your friends have. But I'm willingly choosing to do that. So that I do not rob you

of something far more meaningful, which is seeing the world around you, that ingenious creative world inside of you coming alive. You're going to be mad at me for not giving you that screen, but you will be even more angry at me once you have it, or rather once it has you. Because once I give you that screen, we will begin fighting more. You'll lose it. You'll argue and negotiate it for a back. And we're going to go have an endless power struggles. And we will begin saying things to each other that we never have before and that we regret. And it will consume you and it will consume us and it will change you and it will change us. How many of you have noticed that? Your kids become different people. So I expect you to be disappointed, to be angry, to be mad at me. And I'm comfortable

with that. Be mad at me. Plead, threaten, throw tantrums if you want. But I love you too much to do something that's not good for you and that hurts our relationship. But once you're done, come and get me and I'll show you what we can do instead. Right? That's the theme of how I want to view this. It's because I love my child. It's because I love you, teenager. And I'm not recommending, look, I can't do a blanket recommendation for everybody because every child is different.

Every home is different. There's no blame or guilt here. But it may be that teenager that you have to go to that teenager or maybe it's an 11-year-old or a 9-year-old and say, no blame or guilt here, but it may be that teenager that you have to go to that teenager, or maybe it's an 11 year old or a nine year old and say, I need to apologize to you. I put something in your hands that you not cannot control and it is controlling you and it is changing you. And have you noticed that we fight all the time now and that you're not as creative and that you're not as curious in many ways and it's hurting us. And I put something in your hand that you weren't capable of controlling because I gave in to peer pressure. And I apologize for that because it's hurt you and it's hurt us.

So therefore, this coming weekend, I am taking that away or I'm limiting it. Whatever you want, I'm taking it away. And my expectation is that you're going to be really angry at me and you should be angry at me because I set a false expectation. But I promise you as a parent, I would always do what is best for you, even when it's uncomfortable for me, because I want what's best for you and what's best for us. Now, there are a lot of different ways to handle this and there are a lot of different ways to handle this. And there are a lot of different things we can do with screens. So it's really hard in one simple podcast to kind of get to it.

But I hope that reframes some things. I hope it gives you some courage to try some different things right now to begin to slowly. Now, some of you need to rip the bandaid off because it's gotten out of hand. And if you want to email us and call us and we can set up something because some of you, it's ruining your home. And some of you, you know what's happening? You will say, and I get it and I feel for you. It is, this is hard. There's no blame and judgment in this. It is hard. Some of you are like, well, if I, you know, if I were to take it away or limit it, he's just going to get violent. Well then, right? Like, isn't that the

sign that we need to do it? Because if your child has become so reliant on that, that you can't even take it away without a fear of his reaction, then we have a larger issue, right? And I'm willing to talk to you and work through that with you. If you get the Calm Parenting Package, you'll get the screens program there. And we go through this in a lot of detail that I can't do on a podcast, right? But emails, we want to help you with this screens thing because more than just like they're addicted to it and all those things, it's hurting relationships. And I do believe it's hurting all kinds of other things, but I don't want it to hurt your relationship. So do a couple of those things that we talked about

today. Let's try a few things and let's see if we can begin moving that ship and reframing it even in your mind. If we can help you reach out, email Casey because he has always been very, very good with his screens and he can help you with that. It's Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Love you all. We know it's really hard. We're here for you and just let me know how we can help. Okay. Thanks so much. Bye-bye.