Calm Parenting Podcast - Stop Being Mommy: How to Get Your Kids to Be Responsible For Themselves

Episode Date: December 13, 2020

Stop Being Mommy: How to Get Your Kids to Be Responsible For ThemselvesAre you exhausted trying to make your kids happy and doing everything for them? How can you get your kids to be responsible for themselves? How can you get your hubby to support you emotionally? How can you motivate your kids without turning them off? This is a great podcast so listen and share it with others! Our Christmas Clearance Sale Ends This Weekend! We have special deals at www.CelebrateCalm.com  Become the parent your kids need you to be. Calm. Confident. Accepting. Have hundreds of answers at your fingertips for the toughest situations. Start 2021 with the confident to make these changes stick. And tell your hubby this is what you want for Christmas: A calm home!  Download to multiple devices, share with relatives so they understand you instead of judging you. Change the way you understand, discipline, and motivate your strong-willed child. These are our LOWEST prices ever.  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So can you identify with this? You're exhausted. Since your kids have been born, you have thought of nothing else but your kids. You've come behind them and you've taught them incessantly day after day after day. You do everything for them from morning to midnight. All you're thinking about is your kids and you want the best for them and you want them to learn lessons and learn in school and you want them to be successful in life and you want to know at the end of the day that

you did everything that you could so that they could live a happy life and now perhaps your kids are teenagers and now you're getting pushback and it's like they don't even want to be around you and that hurts because you've given everything to them. And so whether you are the mom or dad of a toddler or a teenager, I hope you will find this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast helpful. So welcome. My name is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. You can find a really good Christmas sale at CelebrateCalm.com. That's all I'm going to say. It's awesome. Lowest prices we've ever done because we want to help families and we want this stuff to get deep inside of you.

And there's so much detail and so much content, even on, you know, an underrated one, ADHD university, even if your child doesn't have ADHD, but they struggle with focus and attention and all these things we talk about that in the Strong Willed Child program, man, there's so much insight and it will tell you everything that your child struggles with. Here's how you help that, right? It's just, so dig into that. If you need help, contact KCCASEY at CelebrateCalm.com. So here's what I want to address. I want to try to address this, especially for moms, but it's for moms, it's for husbands, it's for the kids. And so this is a typical phone consultation with, say, parents of teenagers.

So when someone signs up for the phone mentoring, I send an email and I'm like, okay, tell me about your family. I want to hear about, like, what are they struggling with? What are the kids' gifts and passions? Are you and your spouse on the same page? Or if it's a single mom, we find out about them and different struggles. And so invariably, it's a strong-willed child. So I hear all about the strong-willed child. So I've got all these notes and I'm looking at this page that I had the other day with this phone consultation. I've got the kids' names on there and I've got this long list of things that we need to work on. But as I'm going through that before the call, what's hitting me is,

I think the real key here is to free and liberate this mom from being the mommy so that now she can be the mother and to transition from that. And so that's always hard for me because, you know, everybody wants to talk about their kids and they struggle with this. And then I have to shift it and say, you know, I think the big win here is shifting how you see your role toward these kids. And I love that. It's one of my favorite things of what we do is like, when you hear from people like, well, my child struggles with X and he's being defiant or he's not doing this and he's shutting down. And so what you tend to hear is, well, the real problem is this is what's going on. And then by the time you dig into it, you find that wasn't the real issue to begin with. That was just the outward expression

of something happening inside. So that always excites me because I like taking a counterintuitive look at things and looking at things in a different way. And I really like liberating families so they can actually enjoy each other and not just harping on my child's difficult, and they're legitimately difficult. But here's what was kind of cool with one of the recent phone calls was the mom owned it, right? And so I finally stepped in and said, you know, I've heard, you know, we've talked about your kids a little bit, but I think the big win here is changing you and your role. This is not about any kind of guilt or blame. It's not like it's your fault. It's that the big win here is changing your role.

So by the time we do get into those middle school and high school years for your kids, moms, I want you to start to transition from being their mommy who follows behind them all the time and make sure everything gets done and make sure that they're well fed and they're dressed and their hygiene's good. And I want you to become their mother. And there's a different tone to that because a mommy is like always available and always has

to do everything. And I've got to make sure. And the mother, it switches the feel of it. But this mom, like most moms who are listening, you have 10, 12, 15, 17 years of habits of always checking up on your kids. And when kids become teenagers, they want the independence and strong will kids want the independence from the time they're two. And I want to give that, you know, some of our phrases, if you've heard them, when we step back as parents, it gives our kids space to step up and be responsible for themselves. When we step back from lecturing, from micromanaging, from fixing everything for our kids, right? It's a big one. When we step back from that, it gives our kids space to step up and learn to be responsible for themselves.

Because when we're so super involved all the time and always lecturing and pointing out, well, if you just did it this way, it would be so much better. When we're doing that, think about this. What we're really doing as parents is actually being responsible for the child. We're actually wrestling responsibility away from them because we're not letting them own their choices. We're not letting them touch the hot stove, which they have to do. We're actually getting in and we're becoming responsible. And inadvertently, no guilt, no blame here. Inadvertently, the message we're sending to our kids is you're not capable. You're not capable of being successful unless I'm on you all the time and hovering over you and lecturing you and showing you how to do things all the time.

And that's what our kids want, what they resist, because they want to learn by themselves. They want to pick up, but they don't want you standing over them, watching them fail. That's a really big insight. Your kids don't mind failing as long as you're not watching right they don't mind touching the hot stove it's when everybody at the ball field and parents and teachers are watching that's what causes the issue we have to give them some space to figure some things out without us jumping in so quickly because we know best and because it would be easier and because they wouldn't have to struggle so much if we just showed them,

no, they need to struggle. They don't mind struggling, but you have to give them some space to struggle. And when they do struggle and ask for help, then we give tools, but I'm not doing that on this one. So, so we were talking to this mom about like, Hey, I want you to start stepping back. And she's like, I know, but I'm just, I have this habit of, I'm on them. And I was like, well, how do the kids respond to you when you do that? And she said, well, they shut down and they go away from me. And that hurts my feelings. And I thought, of course it does, because you've loved your kids more than anything else for the first 12, 10, 12, 13, 15 years of their life. And so that hurts. But you see that the more you tend to push and get on them, the more that they resist. So let's come

up with a new habit, mom. New habit. Let's apologize to your kids. Why? Because it's just an honest thing to do. Guys, I need to apologize because out of good heart and good intentions, I think I've lectured too much and I think I talk too much and I think that my voice is irritating to you. Now, some of you are going to get offended. Well, why would you say that? Because it's true. Because your voice is irritating to your teenager. As irritating as their voice is to you, right?

It's just true. And so own that and don't be so offended by it. Like, oh, but they should know. It's just the way that it works. Laugh at it and understand that. And sometimes if you stop taking yourself so seriously with everything, right, your kids would actually enjoy you and saying like, my mom just said that. Yeah, I know. My voice, isn't my voice irritating? Pretty much mom. Own that. It's not disrespectful. It's just the way that life works, right? And so apologize, but then ask for a code word. Kids, every time that I start lecturing and I get into that annoying voice mode where I'm treating you like you're four again. Every time I get in that mode, just can we say a code word?

Now, I don't want them to say, mom, you're being irritating again. No, not that. But a code word of some kind. Make it a funny word. I don't care what it is. I asked Casey, our strong-willed son, who if you need any help, email him. Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. And he'll help you out because he's awesome. But I asked him, I was like, give me a code word. Cause I don't even

realize I'm doing this half the time. And it helped my awareness. And then I had a go-to plan. So mom have a go-to plan. Every time you want to go and lecture to get on, to be responsible for your child, what are you going to do instead? Come up with something you're going to have to think about. What did I used to love? What did I do before I had kids, right? What is something that you can begin doing every time you want to control your kids' behavior, control your own? Go find a book that you haven't, you haven't read a book that you wanted to read in years. Find something you enjoy doing and do that. I gave this mom another idea of, and the dad, the dad was on the call too, of resigning. Resign from your

job, right? You have done this. You have done your job. You raised these teenage kids and they know right from wrong. You have done your job. You will not never stop being their mother, but you will stop and need to stop being their mommy. Resign from your job. And I said, hubby, if you want to earn some bonus points here, have a special dinner for your wife and celebrate your family that your wife has given her entire energy, her soul, her spirit, her life to her kids.

And they're good teenagers. They struggle a little bit as all of them do, but she's raised two good kids. You guys have done it together and you are going to affirm your wife and celebrate the success and celebrate the fact that you have two good teenage kids and celebrate that. And then the third thing that I told this mom that she really struggled with is I said, tonight, I want you to go in the living room, sit on that sofa, or lie down on that sofa and put your feet up on the sofa. She's like, I have not done that in years. And I said, exactly. And that's part of the issue because you're always too busy doing

everything for everybody else. And that only leads to resentment on your part because after all you do for everybody else and you never get a break because you never took the break and you can justify that all you want moms and dads and there's no guilt or blame here you can justify it well if I'm not on them they won't be responsible there's a little bit of truth to that but most of the time they they can be responsible. We just don't give them space and time to allow them to do it. And you and I have control issues, right? Because when they do step up, we don't like the way they do it. And you're going to have to control your anxiety and your control issues and give them some space and put your feet up on the sofa.

And when those kids walk into the room, Mom, I'm hungry. Instead of snapping right up, because mom, that's your instinct. It is what you have done for the past three years, five years, 10 years, 15 years. Now with toddlers, you've got to feed them. Okay. But as your kids start getting older, okay, when they're seven and eight and especially nine, 10 and above that, they can fix their own food. Okay. Let them do it. Now I know they're going to make a mess and there's going to be jelly hanging off the counter and they're not going to pick up all the crumbs after they made a little sandwich. They're not. But when you look at that child and said, you know what? You've got two legs.

You've got two feet. You can go to the kitchen, fix yourself a snack. And while you're there, I would love a snack and a glass of iced tea. Do that sometime. And you're going to be like, and could you put a little shot of whiskey in there? Because this is really hard and I need some help with this. Because it is hard. Because you're breaking a generational pattern and probably a decades old pattern. But it's a beautiful thing that you're doing for yourself and for your kids because they are capable and you're letting them know that. So do not fix everything for them and let them step up. Number two in the bigger scheme here that we talked about was affirming for, especially with your strong will kids, affirm

for what is already there instead of pointing out what they're not doing, right? This is huge. And I mentioned it a lot because it's really hard, but incredibly important because the mom started the call with like, well, my son, you know, he's a good kid, but you know, I gave him his laundry to put away and it took him all day. And I had to remind him so many times and my response was why who cares when he put his clothes away why does it matter so much and if you struggle with that again no blame no guilt that's your issue I know but I I just want him to be on top of because I want to be able to do how many things are gonna do that? So watch what we do.

Why do you go in all day and remind him? Well, do you think he wants to talk to you anymore if that's what you're doing all day long, just about putting his clothes away? The truth is he put his clothes away later in the afternoon, and here's all that needed to happen. Hey, son, nice job with that. Shows me you're growing up. Done. Three seconds. Affirm. Hey, it really helps me when you do that. Zip. No more talking. Don't go to a long lecture about what you did when you were a kid or how it would really help if you do more and if they would do it as soon as you ask, and all those things. Why? Why? Why? It will send your children away from you needlessly. And I'm not, look, there's no blame, no guilt. I don't do that. But I want us to, we're doing things that hurt, it hurts you,

and it hurts your relationship. And to her credit, this mom was like, yeah, and it doesn't work. And I was like, yes. So why, this is a great question. I'm gonna stop the recording so I can write it down. Hold on. Sorry to yell. I just don't wanna forget this.

Why hurt your relationship with your child over something that doesn't even work? We do it all the time, right? So let's let go of that and let's affirm for what they're doing right. Simple, sweet, very few words. And I wanted this mom to get, and I want you to have this picture in your head of this. Picture a really busy, loving mom who cares about her kids and is talking to them all the time. And every time they come downstairs or they come into the room, mom's on it and she's talking about them. That tends to send them away from you.

But picture mom now. Kids come downstairs and they're hungry or they want something. And mom stays sitting on the sofa with her feet up reading a book. And I told this mom, I was like, you keep those eyes down in that book. You're not ignoring your children. It's not emotional abuse, right? You've given them everything you have. You know what I promise will happen?

When you find some things that are exciting to you, when you get involved doing things that you're passionate about, guess what? Your kids have a reason to come in the room and I guarantee you, you will draw them to you because you're not chasing them and pushing them away. You will draw them to you. They may even ask about you. Mom, what are you so engrossed in? What's that show you and dad are watching? Because you're not in their business all the time.

You're actually drawing them to you. That will help your relationship. You want teenagers especially coming to you. But if they know you're just going to lecture and get on them, guess what? They're not coming to you. But if they know you're just going to lecture and get on them, guess what? They're not coming to you. So we wrapped in one other thing here for the dad. And here's the beautiful thing that I like about a lot of what we do is that it's very guy friendly. I'm a guy, so I am aware of my own limitations as a man. And so I was able to tell the couple,

I said, I don't want to know what your relationship is like at all. My guess is that you have two strong-willed kids, which means all of your energy has gone to your kids over the last 10, 13, 15 years. And so you probably haven't invested that in each other. So your marriage is strained because you don't both do it the same way.

And if that's true, that means you're very normal and there's nothing wrong with you. And it's not a big red flag that you're not emotionally connected right now. That's very, very normal. Now, if you don't work on it, it will end up being a very, very bad, costly thing emotionally, financially, and otherwise. But if you find yourself in this place where you're not as connected as you should be, and you have lingering resentments because a husband gets resentful because, well, my wife puts every single thing she has, everything into the kids.

And what I can see is it tends to send the kids away and it really irritates them. And she has no energy for me. And the wife is resentful because, well, I only put all that time into the kids because you haven't taken your proper role and you kind of stood back and you're not involved enough. And when you do get involved, you tend to overreact and incite everything. And then I have to clean up the mess, right? Like that's probably where you live a lot. And so this mom was like, I just want some emotional support, right? And I was like, tell me what that means. She said, well, I just want to feel emotionally supported. And I was like, can you use some words that a man would understand, right?

And so what I wanted to get to was, what are you really looking for here? And she said, I want to know that my husband's got my back and he knows that I'm a really good person. And you can hear in there, there is a lot of hurt and pain in those words, because every time she gets kind of wound up and everything happens, you can know, you can kind of sense of he's like looking at her in in a certain way and she's like, could you please help me? Right? But then when he does try to jump in and help, it's probably not good enough, right? That happens in your home as well, I bet.

So what I wanted to come up with is a practical way for a normal guy to do that, to have her back, to actually, when she's struggling emotionally, how can he actually come in? So we talked about actually having a code word or a tradition or even using that phrase, because we were kind of joking about like, hey, he's not going to come and say, honey, I just want to hold your heart now. And he even joked and he's like, yeah, maybe a millennial would say that. And I was like, yeah, but you're not going to say that. But you could come and say, hey, honey, I've got your back. And the mom, this is very important and I'll wrap up. The mom said, yeah, well, I want him to come and support me and I want him to fix it. And I was like, no, no, no, no. We are not going to fix things anymore. That is not what we do.

And it is not what you want from your husband. You do not want him to come in and fix things. One, because he can't. And two, because there's probably nothing really to fix. All you want for him, all you want is when you are struggling to come and acknowledge and say, if I were you, I'd be really frustrated too. That's it. Or to come in and say, hey, honey, I've got your back. Right?

You want to go for a walk. You want to come sit with me. Look, do this. Do this for the next week. Instead of fighting, instead of getting on each other's nerves, instead of have a little code word, have a little tradition when you're starting to get, when that happens of maybe you walk into the living room and instead of yelling at the kids and trying to fix all of that, picture this, picture wife and husband sitting on a sofa

and a wife turns her back to her husband and he just rubs her shoulders. Now, I know some of you are like, I don't really want him touching me. And she doesn't really deserve that. Look, neither of you deserve anything from each other because you both have your faults. Just like I have my faults. My wife has her faults. We all have our faults. We all have. And this is what I told the couple. I was like, I bet you without even knowing you, I could tell you three irritating things about each of you. You know why? Because you're a man and a woman.

You're human. That means you're irritating, right? It's not like it's going to be like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that. You have legitimate reasons why you don't want to rub each other's backs or be supportive. I get that. You do. So if you want to live in misery and just have your justifiable, feel justified in not working on it, good. Then just get ready to have a divorce and lose a lot of money and sleep, and then you'll have no emotional support, right? But let's be grownups with this. Do I feel like rubbing her back right now? No. But do you think she feels like doing things for you? Probably not. And guess what we do as grownups? We do it anyway

because it's the right thing to do. And sometimes when you do the right thing and you take actions, the feelings follow the actions. If you're waiting for the feelings to come back, probably not going to happen. But you start doing that. Look, I want to come up with things for, right? I don't expect hubby to come in with some emotionally evolved way of speaking and expressing himself. But if all he does when his wife is getting upset with the kids is come in and hold her hand, put his hand on his shoulder and say, come on and I've got your back. And you know what that means? I've got your back. I'm going to rub your back. So you sit on the sofa and you let me touch you and you give her a little back massage. Look, you're going to be like, well, that's kind of stupid. Really? Can you imagine that?

You don't have to talk because probably the more you talk, the more stupid things you say to each other. So take an action and your wife relaxes and you're touching her and you know that you're giving to her and you've got her back and you're supporting her. And now she's not all wrapped up with the kids. And look, the kids get to look in and say, huh, my mom and dad are actually sitting together on the sofa. If you don't think that's gonna change their behavior and make them feel more stable in the home and like they've got two parents who can deal with stuff, that's more important than any lecture you do.

So let's work on that this week. Does that make, let's work on that this week. It's good stuff. And if you need help with that, go to the Christmas sale, get everything we own. Included in there is the Strong Willed Child and the ADHD University. And there's a men's CD and a mom CD, everything you need. But there's a calm couples program that you can do right from your home for your marriage. Don't start it right now during the holidays, but January 1st, let's jump into

this. And as you go through that, you email me and I will walk anybody who emails me about working on their relationships and their marriage. I will help you. It is on there. If you want to talk to me personally, sometimes I can say things to your spouse that you can't say because I don't live with them. And I'm a guy look that up on our website too. And you can do the mentoring with me. Most of all, I want you to work on these things on your own, and I want you to make progress, and I want you to know we care about you, and we're here to help. So email us, and we will help you. It's what we exist to do. But anyway, thank you. Love you all, and talk to you soon. Bye-bye.