Calm Parenting Podcast - Stop Defiance & Big Emotions From Anxiety

Episode Date: November 5, 2023

Stop Defiance & Big Emotions From Anxiety Do you have a child who struggles with anxiety? Who resists going to new places or trying new activities? You know once you get your child there, he will enjoy it. But it almost always results in yelling, defiance, hurt feelings, and a big power struggle in which everyone loses. Kirk gives you two very practical, concrete strategies to help your child overcome anxiety and stop the power struggles. You’ll learn dozens of these strategies through our BIG SALE right now at https://celebratecalm.com. Kirk is available for Phone Consultations. Click here to learn more. This episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast is brought to you by Hello Fresh. Go to https://www.hellofresh.com and use code 50calm for 50% off plus FREE shipping. A Revolutionary Baby Monitor is Born. Visit www.MasimoStork.com to learn more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Do you have a child who struggles with anxiety, who resists going to new places or trying new activities, and it's frustrating because you know once you get your child there, he's going to

enjoy it, but it almost always results in yelling, defiance, hurt feelings, and a big power struggle in which everybody loses. Well, good. I'm glad you do because we have a lot of experience with this, especially after inviting 1,500 of these kids into our home. So I think I can help you. I know I can help you with this. And I know I can help you as well because our son Casey struggled with anxiety. I struggle with anxiety. So that's what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast as we continue Defiance and Big Em big emotions month at Celebrate Calm. And it also

includes a big sale. So you get everything we've ever created, every strategy right at CelebrateCalm.com. You get everything delivered to an easy to listen to app. So both you and your spouse, your partner, your parents, your kids, your teachers can listen. If you need help, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at at CelebrateCalm.com, because he was a big emotions kid, so he gets this. For those of you who are new to us, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and I talk really fast. So here's the situation.

You rush into the living room and call upstairs expectantly. Joseph, your first Taekwondo class is tonight. Get downstairs. Crickets. You hear nothing. Honey, we're going to be late if you don. Get downstairs. Crickets. You hear nothing. Honey, we're going to be late if you don't come now. Well, he doesn't care because he doesn't want to go. Joseph, I'm not going to ask you again, which guarantees you are.

We don't have time for this tonight. You need to get downstairs and eat before we go. And again, you hear nothing. And inside, you're like, here comes yet another power struggle. It's been this way since this child was in your womb. You try to sleep, he kicks, always wanting to do the opposite of what you have planned. And you're frustrated because you're trying to do this for him. You don't need to spend the extra money and extra time driving across town to do this dumb class, but you thought it would be a good outlet for him and a way for him to make some friends.

And you're anxious because you've paid $135 for this class and you hate wasting money. And now you're going to be late again and you hate being late. It's a trigger for you. And now he's doing his little delaying tactic, right? And you can hear, you can feel your own anxiety and all these different things hitting you. All these things are like, well, what are my parents going to think? They let me, or my husband, he lets, he's just thinks I'm letting our son get away with all these things. And am I just coddling him by not making him go? What am I doing wrong? All these things start to bombard you. And so here's the moment of decision. You know how your child is going to react. You've seen this

before. He's going to resist. He's going to yell and call you names. His face is going to turn purple as he screams, I'm not going. Taekwondo is stupid. You're stupid. He's going to sob crocodile tears. He's going to talk his way out of it, complain that his stomach is upset, right? That he doesn't feel well. He's going to plead with you to just let him stay home this week because I promise next week I'll go. Please, mom. You know that's about to happen because you've heard it. You've seen this a hundred times. So you know what's about to happen because you've heard it you've seen this a hundred times so you know what's about to happen and the real question now in this big emotion moment is what are you going to do differently this time because that's the only real variable here you are not

going to get him to change his behavior you're not going to convince him you are not going to get him to change his behavior. You're not going to convince him. You're not going to threaten him and get him to give in. The only thing you have control over at this critical moment is your own behavior. Are you going to react to it or are you going to respond? Are you going to escalate this situation or defuse it see because we're so anxious and rushed and rushed and we take these challenges to our authority because that's what we hear he's challenging my authority that's another trigger that gets you because that goes back to your childhood now goes back for some of you to your deep most deeply held beliefs of like we can't allow a child to challenge our authority.

And so you make it personal. And here's your default mode. You end up doing and saying the following. You better get your little butt in the car or you're going to lose all your privileges. Do you understand me? I don't have time for this right now. Do what I say or else. These are some of the options.

I used to do all of these. There's no need to be upset or scared. It are some of the options. I used to do all of these. There's no need to be upset or scared. It's just a simple 45-minute class. That's maybe one of the worst things you can say. You know what? Your brother never had any trouble doing this class. That's really helpful.

Why do you always have to be so difficult? Look, I have to admit, I used to pull that one out on Casey. And I was so close to destroying my relationship with him. Why do you have to make everything so difficult? How are you ever going to be successful in life if you can't follow simple directions? Sometimes we go, just wait until your father gets home. You're not going to talk to me like that, young man. If you don't get in the car right now, you're going to lose your video games and screens for one month. Do you hear me? And the truth is, yeah, they hear you, but you're not hearing your

child. You're making this situation all about you. No blame, no guilt, but you're making this about you, about your authority and what you want. But you're not listening to your child because you're too focused on changing or controlling his behavior instead of your own. But if you could control yourself, this is how you'd see the situation. And this is what you would hear. See, your child in this moment doesn't have the maturity yet to say, mother, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the unknowns of this new experience. I've always had a hard time connecting with kids my own age. I get along better with adults and younger kids or animals, so I'm afraid the other kids at Taekwondo class are going to pick on me. And I have a lot of difficulty with multi-step processes and auditory processing, so I'm scared that I'm going to fail

at Taekwondo. And the truth is I'm afraid that I'm going to disappoint you, dad, and my instructor. And at this moment in my life, I'm too fragile emotionally to risk one more failure. And I can't feel rejected again. So I'm going to call you names. I'm going to challenge your authority. And I'm going to be so disrespectful right to your face that your only option is to punish me. Because the truth is I'd rather be caged in my room, I'd rather lose everything I enjoy in life, than face the risk of failure and rejection one more time in my life.

And I wish I knew how to tell you, but my fear overwhelms me, just like your anxiety about me is overwhelming you right now. So I react out of fear. And what I need right now is for the adult in the home to show me a different way out of this. But you never do that. Instead, you react just like I do. And you yell at me and you shame at me, shame me, and you send me to my room, but you don't tell me how to deal with this. See, that's what's going on. And if they could tell you that, you would say, oh, because here's what you and I miss. You're not looking at a defiant child. I used to think he's a defiant little snot that makes my life difficult. That's not what you're looking at. You're looking at a scared kid who's never fit in with peers,

who feels genuine dread when trying new things because it's out of his control. Remember the first podcast we did in this series. What was our first step? To understand that meltdowns come because you feel out of control. And the second step was control yourself first. You're looking at a kid who's rarely been praised by people. He's always been in trouble. He's always been the bad kid. He doesn't do homework quickly or get good grades like his perfect brother or sister.

And now you just berated him and demeaned him. You further reinforce that he's a difficult child who brings the trouble on himself. Look, you're a good parent. And so I know this is what I know you don't want to keep doing this. So here's a different way. Let's rewind this situation and let's focus first on controlling yourself. And that's why I so want you to listen to our programs on the app the first program just go through it is 30 days to calm I teach you how to control yourself

control your anxiety your control issues your tone of voice your body posture your anxiety your emotions all of those things because once we control ourself it's the quickest way to get your child to control himself it's the first learn how to control yourself quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own so we rewind this situation and we control ourself first so you know you're going to get pushback because you always do. So you call upstairs, hey Joseph, your first Taekwondo class is tonight. Get downstairs. And you don't hear anything. But instead of getting upset or irritated because you've been through this before,

maybe some of you matter a quick prayer. You take a couple deep breaths and you see a few Legos littering the floor. And they're obviously not picked up like you asked. And so you cringe. And that part of you that needs things to be orderly and have instructions followed explicitly because that's how you were raised, that part of you winces inside and irritates you, but you don't give in to it, though you want to add that to your lecture. Instead, you grab a few Legos, and you walk upstairs. You knock on Joseph's door. You walk in and you sit on the floor.

Yes, right on the floor. And you begin putting pieces of Legos together because symbolically you are building now instead of destroying. Instead of destroying a kid's confidence. Instead of destroying your relationship with this child. And Joseph looks at you like you're crazy because he's been waiting for you to stand with your hands on your hips, delivering lecture number 43B as a parent, right? Looking disapprovingly, shaking your head and threatening consequences. But instead, you're sitting on the floor looking down at your Legos.

You know, Joseph, if I were you, I'd be anxious about going to a new class too. Be pretty scary doing new things. And now you've done what you wish your husband would do just once. You acknowledge that what you are feeling is natural and normal and legitimate. Instead of dismissing you or saying you're overreacting, he just acknowledged it and you just normalized anxiety. It is one of the most foundational things you can do with your child, especially in this era, is normalize it. Parents, adults, therapists, please stop making it out as if there's something wrong with your child because he or she has anxiety. It's normal.

And I just normalized and said, of course you're anxious. I bet your stomach's a little bit upset because going to a new place where you don't know anybody and don't know what to expect, that would make me nervous too. You should be nervous. I'm not making an excuse. I'm just normalizing it so he or she doesn't internalize there's something wrong with me and I need to be fixed. That's really, really important. And your son now looks at you puzzled. You've just gotten to the root of the issue and you've addressed his fears. You've just assumed the best about him, that he doesn't want to be some defiant little snot that makes their life difficult. He's just struggling with a normal human emotion. And so Joseph slowly climbs down from his bed. And if you think this doesn't work, I did this with Casey many,

many times. And I've done this with so many kids. You control yourself. You invite them. You lead them. And he climbs down from his bed and he sits on the floor and he begins fumbling with some Legos because there's no eye contact right now. He's doing something with his hands. And now you get to say that. You know how I know that, Joseph? Because in truth, I'm the same way. I get anxious when I'm meeting new people, book club, or giving a presentation at work. It makes my stomach upset. Is that what it feels like? Uh-huh. You get that muted little response with a nodding head, and now you just connected on a very deep level and understood what's really going on, because watch, if we don't do this, here's what we're going to do all the time, we misunderstand what our kids are going

through, and I'm looking, I think I'm looking at a defiant kid, and I'm addressing defiance, and the kid's like, this has nothing to do with that, I'm just a nervousiant kid and I'm addressing defiance and the kid's like this has nothing to do with that I'm just a nervous kid and I don't know what to do with it and clearly you don't understand that so I may as well just throw the biggest meltdown ever because it's really not safe being here with you right now I'd rather get sent to my room so you trade pieces of Legos and you begin building something together without saying a word. And you're together, you're sitting, you're connecting, you're building. And now you get to teach because discipline means literally to teach. It doesn't mean to send them to the room. It doesn't mean that you, it doesn't mean that you punish them. You're teaching. Hey, Joseph, you know what helps me? I'm just like you. I like helping other people. So whenever I

go to one of those book club meetings, I always ask the host if I can make some dish or I can do a job. At work, I get to my meeting early and I set up because it helps me focus on something I can control. Isn't that interesting? So I've got an idea. Why don't we leave right now? We'll get to Taekwondo class a few minutes early. And I bet the instructor will give you a job to do because your teachers all tell me that you're the best helper in the class. Side note here, this example we're in the moment, but now that you know this is the issue, here's what I want you to do. Three days, four days, a week before your child's next taekwondo class, take your child to that class when there's no pressure to perform and they can observe and

watch what's going on in that class and talk to the Taekwondo instructor and say, hey, Mr. Taekwondo instructor, listen, my son loves helping other adults. He's a really good helper. Could you give him a job to do? And Taekwondo guy says, hey, Joseph, I'm psyched you're in my class. Listen, I could use your help. I want you here five minutes early every week. When you come here, I want you to set up the leg, help me set up the cones, rearrange the mats, get ready for class. You up for that? And most of your kids to another adult, not you, but to another adult. They love helping other adults say, yes, ma'am. Yes, sir. So next week when you go, you say, hey, Joseph, we've got Taekwondo. Here's what triggers in your child's brain.

Mom, dad, remember Taekwondo guy said he needed my help. He wanted to be there five minutes early. So we need to leave like three and a half hours early. So we're not late. See, that's the anxiety. And now when he gets to that place, he's not worried about the other kids. He's not worried about anything else. He's got his job to do and he's good at doing specific jobs. And then the taekwondo guy is going to say, hey, good job. Thank you for your help. Hey, get in line. We're going to start class now. Take a seat. And so you just created a success for your child. He just had a connection with the leader there and connection with another human helps alleviate anxiety. Do those things. I guarantee you 93.7% of the time, your child will get up and follow you to the car because you led them to

a place of safety with your own humility, your own understanding. And you just changed that entire situation. See, that used to ruin the entire night. True? Because it's 4.45 and you have to get in the car. We got to go, got to go. And now for three, four hours, you're trying to calm your child down in his room and you just change your child's response. And you didn't make him do one thing. You simply controlled yourself. And so that is how you can change your child's response and reaction. You literally change that overnight. Some of these strategies will literally change things in your home overnight. You know what else it helps with? In this situation, there's a lot of guilt because when you sent your child to his room for the rest of the night, here's what else is going to go on. Your spouse gets home from work and comes in. Why isn't Joseph a taekwondo? I spent a lot of money for

that class. And he starts taking off because that was me. I would have been charging up the stairs. I'm going to get that kid to Taekwondo. No child of mine is going to miss out, make excuses, not going when I paid $135 for that class. And honey, you need to stop coddling him. You're creating all of this. And now you're at odds with your spouse and your spouse is about to go upstairs and escalate this even more and now the whole night will be ruined. This child's relationship with his father is now being torn apart and your marriage is being torn apart. This is real life stuff that happens and that's why I urge you start start practicing this. And I want you to look, one of the reasons, and I know this is irritating to some of you when I talk about this, but it's real life.

When you invest in something, you change things more quickly. People listen to them, oh, just listen to the podcast and we're going to change. I've done this for 20 years. Here's what I know. When people invest in the programs and they begin listening and they make that financial and that emotional investment, things change more quickly because the programs also give you a lot more tools than I can give you in a podcast. And you get dads starting to change. This has an effect on your marriage. It has an effect on your child's confidence in life. This is important real world stuff. It's not just about stopping the meltdown so that your night's not ruined. It's deeper than this. And in this instance, it is not disrespect that needs to be addressed. It's the underlying

anxiety that's causing the defiance that needs to be addressed. And when you stop taking things personally and you slow your inner world down and you deal with your own anxiety and your own control issues, now you're not looking at that defiant little kid. You're looking at an anxious kid and you can normalize the anxiety. Of course your stomach's upset. It should be. And you can give them a specific job to do. And you can create connection with another adult. See, that's what I'm after, is you're giving this child tools, and this is important too, to handle the anxiety he or she is going to deal with for the rest of his life. Because I'm 57.

I struggle with anxiety. But now I have tools, so I know how to deal with it. But as long as we're yelling at our kids and taking things away, we're not teaching them how to deal with the underlying anxiety. But I want to give my kids tools so they know when they're 17 and 24 and 35, oh, this is just my anxiety, so here's how I deal with it. So these big emotions don't keep happening. So let's work on this this week.

Put this in practice with your child. If you need help, email Casey at celebratecalm.com. Take advantage of this huge sale that we've got going on. It's a big sale for big emotions. It will change your home. It's celebratecalm.com if you need help, ask Casey. Thank you for listening. Thanks for sharing the podcast. Love you all. Bye-bye.