Calm Parenting Podcast - Stop Judging Moms: No One Has Any Idea How Hard This Is

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Starting point is 00:02:03 Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So moms, it was a rough day. Now, if you have a strong willed child, you can probably say that about every day because there are meltdowns and sibling fights and power struggles over literally everything, right? And you find yourself every day thinking if you would just do what I told you to do, you would be done in seven minutes. But I have to argue with you and plead with you. I have to bribe you, right? And you end up arguing with me for seven hours and days and weeks and years and lose everything you own. And it doesn't work. And so I know every day can be a

Starting point is 00:02:58 rough day. Maybe you did yell a bit because you got frustrated. That's normal. That makes sense, right? I don't want you to feel like a failure, right? Maybe you fear for. That's normal. That makes sense, right? I don't want you to feel like a failure, right? Maybe you fear for your child's future because he or she is not living up to his or her potential. Maybe you're resentful toward a spouse who doesn't connect emotionally. But in this special episode, this is the Mother's Day episode. This is dedicated to my own mom who passed just about a year ago. I'm going to dedicate it to her. Let's throw off that guilt because my mom felt that. She had four sons. She raised us basically by herself and she always felt like she wasn't doing enough or she wasn't a good enough mom and that is very, very common and I've worked with

Starting point is 00:03:44 almost a million moms. So I want you to know a few things and that's very, very common and I've worked with almost a million moms. So I want you to know a few things and that's what I'm going to share with you on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So quick introduction, for those who don't know, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. When you go there, you will see huge Mother's Day sale. Why?

Starting point is 00:04:02 It's Mother's Day, right? You deserve much more than that, but that's what we can give you. And hopefully this podcast, you will find both encouraging. I like to encourage, but I don't like to just stop with encouragement. I want to give you some practical tools.

Starting point is 00:04:18 And what I'm interested in is transformation. I want you to be able to enjoy being a mom again, or maybe for the first time if you've got a strong-willed child, right? And so if we can help you in any way, be bold, be assertive, don't feel guilty, don't feel like you're bothering us, don't feel like you're taking our time, right? Email us. Email our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family, ages of the kids, what you're struggling with. We get together as a family. We talk about it.

Starting point is 00:04:53 We reply to you personally and usually very quickly. Why? Because you're important, because your family's important, because you deserve that. You should expect that from people. And I like that attitude. It's not what I was going to talk about, but it's kind of related. I want you to expect that because you do that for other people, but you often don't expect other people to do that for you or you gave up trying, right? So here's what I want you to know. First part of this, it's going to be a little bit lighthearted, but still true. And the ending part of this is going to be very,

Starting point is 00:05:21 very important. I want to give you three action steps to kind of liberate and free you as a mom. So you are not a bad mom if your child doesn't brush his teeth or hair, doesn't wash his hands or wipe his feet or eat everything or even anything on his plate. You're not a bad mom if your kids squabble with each other and act ungrateful even though you never had all these electronics and advantages when you were a kid. You're not a bad mom. If at a recent parenting conference where we were speaking, my son saw you giving your child potato chips for breakfast. Why? Because sometimes you just have to make it through the day or the hour or the minute so you can do the hundred or the thousand other things well that are even more important. That's a shout out to the potato chip mom.

Starting point is 00:06:14 You know who you are. You're not a bad mom if your kids go to school with mismatched clothes or the same hoodie that they've worn for 18 straight days without being washed. You're not a bad mom if your kids go to school with pre-packed processed lunches instead of homemade organically grown meals. You're not a bad mom if you get calls from school because your preschooler doesn't sit in circle time, your third grader doesn't follow directions,

Starting point is 00:06:41 or your teenager does the bare minimum just to get by. You're not a bad mom. even though people judge you constantly and think you just need to get better control of your children, right? As if you haven't already been firm and consistent with consequences that don't work for the strong-willed child. You're not a bad mom if you bribe your child with $10 bills so they don't laugh during religion class or act like a normal boy should just so you can get through the school year without your child getting kicked out, right? You're not a bad mom if your child melts down over little things, even in public or especially in public, in church, in aisle four at Target. You're not a bad mom if your child calls you names, usually when they're anxious or upset,

Starting point is 00:07:33 if your child has to cheat or quit when playing games or won't practice his musical instrument or practice at sports. You're not a bad mom if your child won't listen to you. No, you're a great mom. You know why? Because you love your children won't listen to you. No, you're a great mom. You know why? Because you love your children more than anything else in this world. Because you sacrifice for them daily so they can be healthy, safe, and happy. Because even when you're exhausted, you get up in the middle of the night to calm their fears or soothe their stomach aches because there is nothing as fierce, nothing as loyal, nothing as relentless as the love of a mother. You're a great mom and I don't want you to forget it. And as I was saying that and thinking about that, I was just describing my mom. You know,

Starting point is 00:08:21 little aside, bear with me for a second. My mom was not like a great sharer of life wisdom. You don't walk away after talking to my mom and think, wow, my mom has great advice. But here's what we did walk away with feeling. My mom makes me feel, every time I call her, she makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the world. She makes me feel like I'm special. She makes me feel like I did something really well. She takes an interest in even the mundane things in my life. And whenever I got off the phone with my mom or when we were visiting, I just always felt good about myself. She had this ability to encourage you and just make you feel like, man, life is good.

Starting point is 00:09:08 And it was relentless. No matter what I did, she would make excuses for me. She didn't judge me. I could have done anything. And my mom was my biggest cheerleader. And I miss that. I miss those phone calls. I miss hearing her laugh. I miss making

Starting point is 00:09:26 her laugh by making inappropriate jokes. And I really miss giving her dessert every night because I loved when I would visit. We had that little routine at 10 o'clock of I would go get her dessert. She said, oh honey, don't, you know, don't make too much. And of course I'd heap on, she would make me brownies when I visit because I love brownies so I put a couple brownies a ton of ice cream then whipped cream anything else I could find and she'd say oh honey I can't eat all that and 10 minutes later it was all melted but she was still stooped over her bowl and she finished every last bit and I wouldn't say anything I'd get up I'd grab her bowl, take it to the sink, and she would just make little comments to me, like, hush, don't you laugh at me,

Starting point is 00:10:12 and it was our little routine. So, mom, I really, really miss you. So, most of you don't feel like you're a great mom. You don't really believe that and you don't feel it inside and it eats at you. So let's talk about three things you can do differently to get rid of that guilt or that feeling of never doing enough. Number one, stop comparing yourself. You know that mom that juggles it all effortlessly? That's a smokescreen. It doesn't happen, right? Stop believing that Instagram is reality. It's not. I can promise you, we've worked with a lot of families. The families that look like they have it all together,

Starting point is 00:10:54 they are crumbling inside. You don't know it. So if your family is dysfunctional, good. It's supposed to be. It's supposed to be messy because family and relationships are not just about happiness. They're about transformation.

Starting point is 00:11:08 This strong-willed child is changing who you are. That child's causing you to grow up, to become more mature, to learn to deal with your triggers, right? It's causing you, hopefully, to work on your marriage because you and your spouse don't agree on how to raise this child. And so you're either going to pull apart, right? What do we like to say? You're either going to grow apart or grow up, right? And I want you to grow up and I want you to look, it's one of the things we're including for the Mother's Day special is the Calm Couples Marriage Program for free. We're including that

Starting point is 00:11:41 because men won't go to marriage therapy. And it's critical that you get on the same page and work on things. So we try to make it bite-sized, easy things for guys to do, for moms to do in the midst of a busy, busy family life. How do you actually make those small improvements? And that's what we put together. So it's included. So if you're interested, go to CelebrateCalm.com or email Casey about that. But I want you to know you're worth it. You're worthy of being respected, of being cherished, of being loved, of having your feelings not being dismissed.

Starting point is 00:12:16 You're worthy of being listened to and your opinions being taken seriously. You're worthy of those things. And I want you to know that. So you can't, you're worthy of those things. And I want you to know that. So you can't, you shouldn't, right? You shouldn't have it all together, right? Stop listening to the guilt trips and the lies that make you feel like you have to do it all because you can't, right? Surround yourself with people who understand how hard this is, right? This is the most common email we get, right? It's like, when I listen to your programs, it makes me feel like I'm not alone,

Starting point is 00:12:49 like someone gets it, like there's nothing wrong with me and I'm thankful for you. And I appreciate that so much because I want you to know you're not alone. And that's hopefully when you listen to the podcast, you're like, oh, you're describing us. I was like, yeah, I'm describing like millions of other people. You're not alone. Number two, let's actively counter those negative voices in your head because you've got a little soundtrack in your head, right? With negativity. It could have come from childhood, could come from other things, but we need some positive things in there, some positive affirmations. It's one of the things we go through in the Straight Talk for Stressed Out Moms program. Here are a few and you write down your own. I am not responsible for anyone

Starting point is 00:13:32 else's moods and behavior because you're not responsible for theirs, you're responsible for yours. I cannot make anyone else happy inside. Huge trap if you try that. You know what happens when you try to make other people happy? You make them miserable and yourself miserable, right? I'm not responsible for making sure everything goes perfectly or everything goes well. I am not God and I will stop trying to act like I am, right? I don't have that power. It's not in your power to do everything. I am responsible to people. I am responsible to my kids, but not for them.

Starting point is 00:14:14 I'm responsible to. I'm responsible to love, to support, to encourage, to give wisdom. But I can't be responsible for what my spouse does or what their emotions and moods are. Only for mine. I relinquish that responsibility so my kids and spouse learn how to control themselves. Right? You bear so much responsibility, moms, and I want you to be free from that. I'm responsible for my own happiness, my own contentment. You may need to wake up and read and say these affirmations every day until they become internalized and you actually believe them.

Starting point is 00:14:57 Number three, I'm going to encourage you. Now, I'm going to dare you to take this challenge. Here's what it is. Do unto yourself as you to take this challenge. Here's what it is. Do unto yourself as you have done to others. Now, that's a little twist on the admonition. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. But the thing is, you already do that. You already give to others.

Starting point is 00:15:22 Many of you give to everyone else, right? Anybody in a helping profession, nurses, often teachers, moms, right? You're a helping profession. You're very good at giving to everybody else, but not very good at taking care of yourself. And what does that leave you with? It leaves you feeling emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. And it will often lead you feeling resentful. After all I do for you, I want you to break that pattern. Because who does more than moms? Who sacrifices more than moms so that everybody else can be comfortable and happy?

Starting point is 00:16:00 Nobody. So, here's the question. Why do you give so much to your kids and others? Well, it's because you deem them worthy of your unconditional support, encouragement, forgiveness, and love. Why then do you make those same feelings towards yourself so conditional, right? Don't you think you are just as worthy of giving yourself unconditional support, encouragement, forgiveness and love? You are. So let's start to work on that this week. Do unto yourself as you have done to others. You forgive others, Why don't you forgive yourself? Why are other

Starting point is 00:16:47 people worthy of being forgiven, but you think that you're not? Why are other people worthy of having people do nice things for them like you do, but why do you think that you're not? See, that will begin to change things inside. That will change things on a very deep level. So let's work on that this week. That can be your Mother's Day gift to yourself to write down some of those affirmations and start thinking through, yeah, I sacrifice and I do all these things for other people. Nobody does that for me. So how can I, this is for another time, but how can I learn to be more assertive about my needs and not feel guilty for asking people to do that for me? Why do I shrink back sometimes and not expect that from others,

Starting point is 00:17:38 but I'm willing to give it to everyone else? I want to break those generational patterns. Let's do it for you because you're worthy and you deserve that. And if you're not willing to do it for yourself, do it for your kids so that they grow up and they don't repeat the same negative patterns that we have. Let's break those generational patterns. It starts with you and it's an awesome, awesome thing. When we get to Father's Day, I'm going to talk about breaking the generational patterns that many of us have of my where the highway approach because that's the way my dad did it.

Starting point is 00:18:10 Well, what's your negative pattern that you need to break? If we can help you, that's what we exist for. It's not a business. This is a family mission to break those generational patterns. Email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. We will help you. If you want the Mother's Day package, go and get it, okay? Don't feel guilty of like, oh, I'm spending some money on something that's going to actually help our family when you're likely married to someone who doesn't

Starting point is 00:18:39 think twice about buying whatever he wants. It's just the way it is. I was that way too, right? So I don't want you to feel guilty for that. I want you to take charge of some things. I want you to be bold. I want you to be assertive. Let's dig into this stuff. And look, here's the deal. As you go through the programs, I'll make you a promise. If you go through those programs and you email me and you say, Kirk, I'm a mom. I'm struggling with X or Y. Can you help me? I will give you everything that I have. I will help you. I will work with you because you're worthy of that, right?

Starting point is 00:19:13 And that's what we're after. So thank you for listening to this podcast. Share this with other moms who might be struggling. Love you. And I'm very proud of you as moms. Very, very proud of you. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

Calm Parenting Podcast - Stop Judging Moms: No One Has Any Idea How Hard This Is

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