Calm Parenting Podcast - Stop Meltdowns & Fights, Improve Focus & Sleep

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

Stop Meltdowns & Fights, Improve Focus & SleepOur kids can be so frustrating that we try to constantly change them. But what if the solution is right there in front of you? Kirk shows you how to help your kids with sleep, school, calming down, and more by using one simple trick. Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. We are including the No B.S. Program FREE with all mentoring purchases OR you can get it here for $99: https://celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2021/2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So do you have a child who does seemingly kind of odd things? Things that you just don't understand. They perplex you. Well, what I want you to know is sometimes those seemingly odd things are actually the key to helping your child. So many people come to me and they're like, help me fix my child. Help me change what's wrong. And my first questions on all the phone consultations are, tell me about your child.

What do they do? What do they enjoy doing? I don't need a list of all the problems because the solutions often come in finding their strengths and then applying that to different weaknesses. So on today's edition of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I'm going to show you how to do that. And that's what we're going to focus on this week. If we can help you, contact our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. He did a lot of really odd things when he was a little kid, and I was so perplexed. But once I started, instead of fighting it all the time, instead of just wondering wondering like, why did we get such a challenging, difficult child?

And I began to seek to understand him. Then the solutions came. Then the relationship was built. Because remember, I haven't said this in a few podcasts, relationships change behavior. Consequences don't. Relationships change behavior. So if you need anything, contact our son. He gets your child. You know why? Because he's probably just like your child. If we can help you, we've got a big sale going on right now. We have the No BS program that we love, love, love. And if you need help with anything, tell us about your child. What are you struggling with? Tell us about some of those weird little things they do. We'll give you some insights, some strategies, and he'll put together,

if you don't find something on the website that you love, we'll put together a custom package within your budget. So it's what we exist to do. We love doing it. So this podcast, one simple thing I want you to do this week, observe your child. This is actually step number eight in the No BS program because there are 25 action steps there, but it's observe your child. I is actually step number eight in the No BS program because there are 25 action steps there. But observe your child. I want you to be a detective. I want you to learn to understand your kids inside and out so that you can help them instead of always feeling frustrated or wondering why they're doing things or trying to change them. That's actually observed and understand them. So your kids, big principle, your kids will tell you everything they need by what they do. Your kids

will tell you everything they need, all the solutions by what they actually do in everyday life. So as some of you know, we used to invite these kids over to our house. So we'd have 10 to 15 strong-willed kids, some on a spectrum, some not, but all very strong-willed kids into our home. That way we could observe them, work with them in real-life situations. I would make sure that they got upset. Not that hard, just tell them no. Or change plans on them at the last minute or disappoint them and then they'd freak out. So the reason we had them in our home is so that we could put them in everyday life situations and teach them in the moment. But I noticed a fair number of the kids would be in our living room and they'd take the cushions off the sofa and lie down on

that hard shell of the sofa. And at first I remember telling my wife, like, that's so weird. Why did we let these kids in our home? And she was like, it was your idea. And so we began digging into it and you discover, well, they like the sensory pressure, right? And so three things I immediately learned from watching those, observing those kids. One, many of your kids have sleep issues. Put them in a sleeping bag. Sleeping bags are awesome. They can sleep on the floor. They're all tucked into that sleeping bag. It feels so safe. It's like a little cocoon. If you want, shove them in a closet somewhere. Just don't tell anyone you're

doing that. They will often sleep so well because they like the confined spaces. Number two application, homework time, schoolwork. Instead of just sitting them down at the kitchen table and standing behind them and saying, you know, if you would just focus, you would be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking three hours. Instead, put a blanket over the kitchen table. Boom. What do you have? A fort. Kids love forts. Forts are fun. Now they can do their homework, their schoolwork underneath the table. Well, but it's dark under there. Okay, good. Flashlights. Flashlights are fun, right? And it mixes things up. I know, but it's harder to see with a flashlight. I know when some of your kids like the challenge,

it makes it more interesting or give them a book of matches. I don't care. Don't do that. So what? I don't care where and how you do your schoolwork. Just get it done. If they're under the table, they're just going to eat the mac and cheese and chicken nuggets that fell off the table from last night's dinner because that's all they eat anyway. Number three application. We came up with a code word. This is how I calmed down hundreds of kids in our home when they got upset. So they'd be getting upset and I'd say, hey, hey, sofa, one word, code word. When kids are upset, do not talk a lot. It makes them more upset. So we had an action plan. When you get upset and I say sofa, their job was to go in the living room, throw the cushions off the sofa. And by the way, I said throw them because when they're upset, they're not going to place them down nicely. They're not.

I'm a realist. They're going to throw them down, lay on that hard part of the sofa. I would walk in, put the cushions on top of them, and then sit on top of the cushions. And it was instantly calming because the physical pressure calmed their bodies. And I wasn't looking them in the eyes. That's a huge insight. Do not look your kids in the eyes when they're upset. Usually it makes them more upset. They've got a lot of shame and they're usually intimidated and that's why dads, when your kids don't look you in the eyes,

it's not a sign of disrespect. It's the fact that the only time you look your kids in the eyes usually is when you're upset at them. Look at me. Look at me. How many times do I have to tell you not to do that? Right? So I want you to start looking your kids in the eyes when you give them positive intensity and tell them that they made a good choice, right? So from observing kids in my home with a sofa thing, we came up with three applications that worked really, really well. I know a lot of parents who have a child who comes home from school and likes to hide under things. And what that tells you is the confined spaces make them feel safe and comfortable. And that's why I like having talks under things. In our neighborhood, when we had these camps,

it was a planned community. And they had like these big like drainage ditch things that we would climb down in. Guess where we did schoolwork with kids? We would call it the sewer. Why? Because little boys like nasty stuff. So I'd be like, hey, guess where we're doing our schoolwork today? In the sewer. You're going to have to straddle all the sewage going through these big pipes underground. They loved being under there why it's different it's fun it's unique right so we're going to sleep in confined spaces I'm going to ask teachers and say hey I know this may sound odd but we both want the same thing we want our child we want this child to learn to do his assignments so could he do his assignments or take tests sitting underneath his desk as long

as he's not playing with other people's feet and distracting other people why not let's give it a shot many of your kids will do really well that way so I was just doing a phone consultation I love the phone consultations because it allows me to really brainstorm and get into very specific things with kids and I'm always looking for clues into these kids. I don't need an hour and a half of you telling me what's wrong with your child. I pretty much got it after about a minute and a half. What I want to spend my time with and what I want you to spend your time is, let's really look for clues for things that will actually help them. And finally, after some prompting, the mom says, you know, my daughter does like to spin a

lot. Like she'll just spin in the living room or the kitchen. And I was like, that's a huge insight. We can use that. Your child probably has some kind of vestibular need and being upside down or spinning is actually very calming. So I gave the mom a few ideas. And so I just got, and part of the reason for this podcast is the email from the mom, because it's pretty cool. She said, Kirk, my daughter's actually asking me to review vocabulary words with her because I'm quizzing her while, stop spinning. That's weird. Said, I'll use that to my advantage and took something her daughter didn't like because what was it usually? Sit down at the table and I'm just going to drill you. I'm going to make learning as unfun as possible, right? And I know unfun isn't a word, but she started doing that. And she said, I never would have pieced this together, but it's also something we've used a few times when she's getting upset and frustrated. And the mom said, we don't say anything, but my husband or I just begin spinning.

Now, mom said it actually makes me kind of sick, but our daughter thinks that's funny and it's calming her down and that's worth being a little queasy. Of course it is. So here's another one. I was talking to a dad and I was like, what are your triggers? What irritates you about your child? Because I want to work on your triggers.

If you're thinking, well, I'll just be happy and everything will be okay if my child just stops. It just listens to me all the time and stops doing irritating things. I'm like, well, don't have relationships with human beings. Okay? If your happiness is dependent on changing other people, you're in for a really rough life. The happiness will come, that consistency, that calmness will come when you learn to control yourself instead of trying to control everybody else.

So he said, I hate it when my son lays upside down off the couch because we paid a lot of money for that couch and it seems so disrespectful. And I affirmed that, of course it seems disrespectful. You don't want him laying upside down off that sofa. I get that, but you just uncovered a big clue. So I gave him three ideas. Have tough talks upside down because it takes away the defensiveness. You're not staring the child in the eyes and standing over him. Review math facts upside down. Just come in the living room one day. Hey, he's laying upside down. Instead of asking like, what are you doing?

I say, hey, bet you can't do this math assignment upside down. Instead of asking like, what are you doing? I say, hey, bet you can't do this math assignment upside down. Sometimes the blood rushing to the brain actually helps them concentrate better. And then the third thing was, I want you to start entering your child's world. That's another one of our big steps in an OBS program and in our programs is learning to enter into their world. Stop trying to change them so much and instead enter into their world and understand them and be curious. So dad just emailed and said this, the other day our son was causing mischief, love that old school language, bugging his sister, getting that look in his eyes that usually precedes trouble in us yelling. But dad caught himself, went to the sofa, and dad laid upside down. Kudos to you, dad. This stuff is not easy. I know my natural impulse is stop doing it.

Do what I told you to do. But you've done that for the past four years, eight years, 13, 15, 17 years, and it didn't change anything. So dad was willing to do something. He lays upside down. Here's what dad says. Within a few seconds, my son joined me and we had the most amazing talk upside down. And it is now becoming a place where they have big talks and tough talks. And dad said, I think he's starting to feel understood. And I'm using that I'm curious language and I'm learning to really appreciate my son. See, this isn't just about getting them to stop doing things or start doing things. It's about building the relationship. If the relationship is good and your child feels accepted as he or she is, that child will be much more compliant for you than if all he senses is that you kind of don't

like him, you just want him to change all the time, or that you like your other siblings better than him, right? And I just encourage you, those of you that have kids that are like that, check into gymnastics. Really good for a lot of your kids that are like that, check into gymnastics. Really good for a lot of your kids. Martial arts, physical things. I'll throw in there swimming. By the way, a couple freebies here. Tools for kids of all ages. Most of your kids who play sports are not going to apply themselves and you'll say, I know, but they'd be able to make the all-star team if they just practice. They're not going to practice. Your kids aren't going to do the hard thing. Same with musical instrument. Well, they'd be able to be first chair violin if they're not going to do it.

They're going to look up YouTube videos and learn that way. And they're going to create their own symphonies. And they're going to create all kinds of an experiment. But they're not always going to practice with lessons. So my advice to you is chill. Work with the way that their brains work and you'll get much better success, even if that's really hard for you. So what other odd or seemingly random things do your kids like to do? This week, observe and spend some time thinking how you can use this

insight to your advantage. Look, if your child's always fidgeting with his hands, you know that he needs to do stuff with his hands. And you have to give him appropriate things to fidget with in school, like the sensory strips we talk about. Observe. You have a child who enjoys cooking. Why? Because they like to mix the ingredients. It gives them something in their control of. They're creating order out of chaos. They get to mix all this stuff. And they also get to see like in 20 minutes or an hour, it comes out and it's concrete and they made it.

They created it, right? And that's a good thing. So let's feed that. By the way, just don't expect your child to follow the recipe directions because they won't. And they're not going to clean up. They're just not. so let's feed that. By the way, just don't expect your child to follow the recipe directions because they won't and they're not going to clean up. They're just not. So your appropriate response is, hey, thanks for cooking dinner and leaving that really big mess. You clean up the mess, but they actually made dinner and affirm for that. I know you're going to struggle with that, but that's

part of the whole no BS thing is saying there are some things where I just give on and other things I'm going to affirm all the positive stuff and in the end it's going to turn out a lot better. How can you use these things to your advantage? Get your kids cooking in the morning. Get them helping you with dinner. Look, here's a big insight. Your strong-willed kids aren't always great at doing kid things, but they usually enjoy doing grown-up things, right? I have a couple kids we work with, they won't do chores, but they'll actually do the grocery shopping and they cook a couple nights a week, right? I have a couple kids who actually create a menu, right? Or other ones do

service project with big goods or meals they make for older people in the neighborhood, but they won't take out the trash. And I'm asking you to say, what am I really looking for? Well, I really want a child who's responsible and respectful, who grows up, who uses his gifts and passions and is compassionate toward other people and helps other people. Well, he's doing all those things. He's just not taking the trash out. Okay. And when he lives on his own, like my son who never did stuff like that, I would put the trash right in front of the door so he could not leave the home without going through it. And somehow he did. And I'd look and I'd be like, where's Casey? He's gone. I was like, but the trash is still at the door.

But he lives on his own now and his place is spotless. So control your own anxiety. Don't project into the future. Learn to control yourselves. Look, if your child, observe them eating. If they eat a lot of simple carbs, bagels, mac and cheese, right? Sometimes it's anxiety, right? I remember one time when I was working in the corporate world and I had a really stressful job. I was a grown man who was taking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to the office. Why? Because it was a comfort food and it felt very, very comforting on my stomach. And it showed me, well, I just had, I had anxiety, right? And sensory issues. And some of your kids have gut issues.

And if they don't have good gut health, guess what? It's going to make them feel on edge and be cranky. And kids that are always kind of cranky, sometimes it's something happening in the gut. So it's worth looking into with someone who specializes in gut health. Anytime a younger child is being really physical with anything or anyone, I immediately think of sensory issues. It makes me think his body is seeking sensory pressure, but they usually just do it in negative ways at first. So now I say, okay, so he's doing that. He's hitting kids at school. He's biting. He's doing that with the siblings. So that's a negative application. So what can I begin doing

to proactively meet the sensory need in a positive way? And you know, I love obstacle courses, things kids have to climb through, climb under and over, shoveling mulch, pulling things, pulling weeds, pushing, pulling, throwing things, climbing up a wall, up a tree. Get lots of physical exercise, right? Do those things to meet the need. So this week, observe your child. They will tell you everything they need by what they do and then proactively begin finding ways for them to use that so that you solve the problems. If you want my help, I'll do phone consultation or two. We'll do a whole bunch of them.

I'm happy doing that. I'll do it with your spouse because some of your spouses don't believe in all this stuff. And I'll talk to your spouse. I'll be able to help you with your marriage. It doesn't matter to me. We've got a huge sale going on at Celebrate Calm. If you want all of this, that's the best thing to do. Honestly, you get 30 hours worth of

these insights and wisdom. It's a lot, a lot, a lot of detail, and it's cheaper than actually calling me, although calling me, whatever, whatever you want to do, I don't care. But you can see it on the website. There's no BS program. If we can help you, reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com, and we'll give you the exact resources we need, you need, and we'll help you reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com, and we'll give you the exact resources you need, and we'll help you within your budget. But if we can help you, let us know. It's what we exist to do. This is a family mission. And so just let us know.

But thank you for listening. Please share this with other people and other parents. And if we can come speak at your school or church, just reach out to Casey. We would love to do that. Hey, thank you for listening. Love you all. Bye-bye.