Calm Parenting Podcast - Stop Power Struggles Over Anxiety & Trying New Things

Episode Date: March 12, 2023

Stop Power Struggles Over Anxiety & Trying New Things Do you have a child who struggles with anxiety? Who resists going to new places or trying new activities? You know once you get your child there, he will enjoy it. But it almost always results in yelling, defiance, hurt feelings, and a big power struggle in which everyone loses. Kirk gives you two very practical, concrete strategies to help your child overcome anxiety and stop the power struggles.  Questions? Need help? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally.  Get the tools you need to FINALLY stop the yelling and power struggles at https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So do you have a child who struggles with anxiety? Maybe they get anxious about and resist going to new places, right? That's a big trigger or trying new activities. And it's hard because you know, once you get your child there, they're probably going to enjoy it, but it almost always results in yelling and hurt feelings and a big power struggle. Nobody wins. Everybody loses. So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, I want to give you two very practical, concrete strategies that will

change this dynamic. And I want to give you a lot of insight into your kids and maybe even yourself. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our strong-willed child who's really struggled with anxiety early in his life, right? And look, I'm 56. I still struggle with anxiety in certain areas. It's a very normal thing. So if you're struggling, reach out to our son Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your family. What are the ages of the kids? What are they struggling with? We get together as a family. We talk about it. We reply back to you, usually very quickly and usually with very practical

insight because that's what we do. It's our mission. We love doing this. If you ever need help with booking live events or with any of our products, just reach out to Casey and he'll help you. So let's discuss kids who struggle when asked to go to new places or try new activities. In my experience, this is usually pure anxiety. Why? Because anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control. It's a normal human response and actually a healthy one for the most part, right? When you walk into the house and say, hey Jacob, we need to leave for your new taekwondo class now. Here's what triggers in your child's brain. All the unknowns, right? Have I ever been to that place? What if it's really loud or chaotic? What if it smells funny, right? Because you have

kids who are very sensitive. They're very sensory and that can trigger for them. See, some of these things, they don't trigger in your head because you're not like that. And so to you, it's like, look, I'm just taking you to this place. It's not that big of a deal. Just get in the car. Let's go. But you've got to get inside your child's head. Here's what else they start thinking. Who's the instructor? Is he going to be patient with me or is he going to be mean? Because many of your kids have had experiences with teachers or other people where they didn't understand your child and your child felt like they were being mean, right? What about the other kids? Do I know anyone? What if they're better than me or what if they pick on me? Again, many of your

kids struggle with asynchronous development, out of sync. So they get along better with older kids, older people, little kids and dogs, animals, but they struggle to connect with their peers. So this is a very legitimate thing that they're concerned about, right? What else goes through their head? I'm not good at following multiple step processes and directions. What if I can't do what they want me to do? Will I get in trouble? Will I be embarrassed? If I want to quit, is dad going to call me a quitter or get on me about not paying attention, not trying my hardest? What if I fail? So after a millisecond of processing those legitimate concerns, your child doesn't answer. So then you've got to walk upstairs

to his room and talk to him. And he just mumbles and he doesn't want to go. And you respond with rational reasons. He shouldn't be anxious, which only makes it worse, right? We say things, oh, there's no need to be nervous. It's only a 50-minute class. Your brother did this class and he liked it. And now you just stepped on a landmine, dismissing his anxiety like your spouse dismisses you and reinforcing that he's different. And think about what goes through your child's brain. Well, if I shouldn't be nervous, if it's not a big deal, but I am nervous and my stomach is upset, then maybe something is wrong with me. And now your child is comparing himself unfavorably once again to his sibling for whom everything comes easy. And so now he's really going to dig in. And so what happens? You dig in. You get frustrated, understandably.

You know what? We paid $179 for this class. You're going to get your little butt in the car and go. Well, now you just provoked a power struggle, right? And ensured that he's going to dig in even more. So then you start to plead. You try to bribe him with ice cream or McDonald's afterwards, and you only get more resistance. So then you pull, you know what? If you don't get in the car right now, and then he screams back, I'm not going. Taekwondo's stupid. You're stupid. Which guarantees what? That you'll punish him by banishing him to his room with no screens for the rest of the night. Because you can't tolerate him being defiant and disrespectful like that.

Side note, most of the time, I'll say a lot of the time, when kids are being defiant and disrespectful, a lot of times it's triggered by anxiety. And we're going to see how that works in a minute. So what happens? You walk downstairs fuming, right? You're just fuming, wondering why does he have to be so difficult all the time, right? Acting like some disrespectful little snot who ruins your day, right? But it's also laced with a little twinge of guilt because you lost your cool, right? And now you're second guessing yourself whether you handle that correctly or not, right? I just want to affirm you, this is brutal. It's

brutal being a parent of a strong-willed child because so much of this is emotionally driven and irrational. And there's all these gray areas in between. And maybe you had a more compliant child who never did this. And now this child is fighting you over something that you think should be simple. So it's hard. But now think about what your child's doing. He's now upstairs in his room brooding over why he has to be so difficult and different. Why everything that others do so simply seems so hard to him.

Wondering why he was born, right? Why was I born if everybody's just always going to be mad at me? He's also partly relieved to be stuck in his room because that's way better than having to encounter all the unknowns at the stupid Taekwondo practice, right? But then that triggers a feeling, well, what if I'm missing out on something that I'd really like? And so your child's torn. So you're downstairs torn over like, how did I handle that? What should I have done differently? I love this kid, but he's really frustrating. And your child's upstairs and he's torn because he feels like a failure and he doesn't know how to do certain things and he's beating himself up.

So now you have two people beating themselves up, separated, right? But the anxiety wins over him. And now he's wondering what? What's dad going to say when he gets home? So your child buries his head in his pillow and starts to cry. Now, if you're married, now you have to manage that whole situation because your spouse walks in, senses your frustration, and wonders why Jimmy isn't at Taekwondo when you paid all that money. And you can see that look in his eyes. Look, I know this because I was that dad who walked in and so when I give voice to this,

I'm merely repeating what I said many years ago to my own son. And you already know what your spouse is going to do and say. He's going to barge into your child's room like I did to my shame many, many times and pounce all over your child. Why aren't you a taekwondo? You can't just quit at things. How are you ever going to be successful in life if you don't even try? I work hard to pay for these experiences.

I never had as a child. You're not just going to lay there doing nothing. Get your shoes on now. We're going. Right? And now you have to pivot because you were the one who was just so frustrated in the moment with your son, but now you realize there's something else going on. And if your spouse marches up to that bedroom and says what I just said, it's going to be

World War III with a nasty triangle of family members mad at each other. And inside, even if you don't swear, you're swearing inside now because this isn't what you signed up for, right? But now you're caught in a dilemma and you realize that what your child is going through is anxiety. But if you try to explain that to your spouse, he'll just say that you're being too soft and letting this kid play you. And why do you keep letting him get away with it?

Right? So he's going to go fix it. But you can't let him go up there with that kind of anger flashing on his face, or it will further erode the relationship between a father and his child. Now, you've been there before, haven't you? It's not a lot of fun. So how can we handle this differently next time? Take a deep breath. We walk in. We say, hey, it's time to go to that new Taekwondo place. And you get the resistance. So here are some steps. Here are some scripts. Number one, normalize anxiety. Please, moms and dads, professionals, teachers, normalize anxiety. It's a very normal and healthy response to perceived threats, to things you don't

recognize. So don't dismiss it and don't try to convince your child he shouldn't feel anxious. So here's some scripts. Hey, you know what? Is your stomach a little bit upset? And you probably get a little head nod. Oh, you know what? That's perfectly normal. If I were you, I love this phrase. If I were you, I'd be a little nervous too, right? I like the word there using nervous. It's an easier, less therapeutic word for kids than anxious. You know what, if I were you, I'd be a little bit nervous going to some new place with new people I don't know. Look, sometimes I get a little bit nervous when I go to a new book club or I have to give a presentation at work to people I haven't met before.

You're normalizing it. You're not excusing it. See, you're not saying, you know what, I know it's really hard. Let's just stay home and eat donuts. You're not excusing it. See, you're not saying, you know what? I know it's really hard. Let's just stay home and eat donuts. You're not excusing it. You're just normalizing it. You're also doing something really important. You're teaching your child to be self-aware so that he knows, one, there's nothing wrong with him. And two, when his stomach's a little upset, it's probably a sign of anxiety, right? That he's encountering unknowns, but that he knows it'll be okay, but it takes the mystery out of it, right? See, I don't like sending this message that we're doing to our kids these days,

that anxiety is something that they have to fear and it has to define their life, right? We're taking the mystery out of it and instead of it treating it as if it were some disease, right? It can be a very harsh thing for some kids, right? But we need to give them some tools. So look, now you've provided some clarity for your child. He's not some disrespectful little snot who makes your life difficult. He's just a nervous kid who's anxious about the unknowns which makes him normal. Look, I love these words too. Of course you don't want to go to that new place. There are all these unknown things you can't predict or control and that makes you feel a little vulnerable. It's perfectly normal to be hesitant about going. Guess what else you're doing? You're

giving your child some words and some concepts to describe what he's feeling. But right, so how many times do we do this instead? Why don't you want to go? Uh, I don't know. Well, is it because, uh, I don't know, right? And it's partly why I don't like asking, honey, do you want to identify your feelings? It's a little too esoteric. It's a little too gushy and mushy for me. Your child doesn't need to identify his emotions. It should be pretty clear to you, right, that he's anxious or frustrated or angry or overwhelmed. What your child needs in that moment is an adult who can help them know exactly what to do when he feels anxious or frustrated or disappointed or angry or overwhelmed. And so number two, the second part of this is you give your kids tools to deal with their anxiety or frustration,

disappointment, or anger, right? So the best tool to counter the unknowns of anxiety is to reduce the unknowns, to give your child something he's in control of. So here are some options. If you can, and I would try to do this, go to that new taekwondo place, that new whatever they're doing activity a few days early and just let your child observe how it works. Let them soak in the smells, the sounds, the sights without any pressure to perform because you know what happens usually? Get in the car, come up. We got to go. Get in the car. We need to go. And now you're running late. And now you're anxious going there. And he's picking up on your anxieties. You're running red lights to get him there on time. And you go in at the last minute. And now he's flustered. You're flustered. And

you're like, go have a good time. Right? And he's walking into this new situation where he's never been there before. Everything's overwhelming. It's chaotic. There's all these new people. And of course it's going to be a disaster. But if you go when he doesn't have any pressure to perform, right? By the way, some of your kids don't want you to watch them when they're doing that. Respect that. Respect that. Just because you're a parent doesn't mean, right, you have to watch every single thing your kids do. Some of them don't want to perform in front of you and have you watching everything they do, especially if you are prone to picking out everything they did wrong right after they went to this activity. Again, as I used to do after

hockey practice or a hockey game for Casey, of course he didn't want me there, right? So, until I changed, right? But listen to that, respect that. So go and watch and have a snack. Familiarity, which I can't say, is very important for kids and adults like me with anxiety. Look, we're on the road a lot this spring. We're going to different states, new places, different schools and churches and different organizations. And we walk in, there's all these new people. And I'm an introvert by nature. I have spoken, done live events, probably 2,500 live events over the years. I speak a lot. I still get anxious every single time. And I'm 56. I've spoken. I've traveled all over the world. I get anxious. It's normal. It doesn't freak me out, right? But the familiarity of getting there early, for me, that's what I do. I get there

early. It helps me. Here's another one. Form a positive personal connection with the teacher, the coach, the instructor, wherever you go. It's another thing that I do. Look, we all do these things, right? When we go to that dinner party you don't want to go to, what do you do? You go and talk to the host and you say, hey, can I help you somehow? You are asking to help them. You're forming a connection. You're being busy. And so this is my favorite strategy.

When I go to a dinner party, those things, hey, can I help you out? Can I do the burgers on the grill? I love having a job to do because then I'm not just standing around awkwardly holding a drink and hors d'oeuvre in my hand having to have small talk which I don't like doing with other people that I don't know. So my favorite strategy is this, wherever your child goes ask a teacher, a coach, a principal, an instructor to give your child a specific job to do. At church same thing, in Sunday school, ask someone to give your child a specific job or mission. Now, usually it works better if the idea comes from them, not from you. So I would be bold

and talk to the instructor or the coach and say, look, my son's going to be in your class every Tuesday. He loves helping other adults, just not me. Leave that part off, but you know it's true. Your kids are awesome for other people, just not for you. Could you give our son or daughter a job to do when he or she gets here every week? And if your coach talks to your child and says, Jacob, look, I could really use your help, man. I could really use your help. Could you get here five minutes early every week so you can help me get ready for a class and help me set up the cones, get ready to get the mats ready. You up for that? Most of your kids to other adults will say, yeah, yes, ma'am. Yes, sir. Get never to you. So next week, when you walk in and you call your sons downstairs to go to Taekwondo class, instead of his brain exploding with the anxiety of all

the unknowns, here's what triggers. Mom, dad, remember that Taekwondo guy? He said he needed my help. Our kids like feeling helpful, especially adult type jobs. He said to be there five minutes early. So we need to leave like three and a half hours early. So we're not rushing or late. So go there a little bit early, not three and a half hours, but get there early. It's better for everybody. Now, when your child walks into that new place, he already knows the main dude there. He's got the personal connection and he has a job to do. So his brain is focused on completing that job, which your kids tend to be very good at doing. So he's completing a job that's in his control rather

than focusing on all the unknowns. He feels important. He's completed a task. We just created a success. And the instructor gets to give him a fist bump and says, hey, nice job, Jacob. And now I promise you, you would see your child breathe, exhale this big breath of relief, right? He's there. He did it. He's still a little anxious, but now he knows that's normal and he knows how to combat that, how to deal with that. You just gave him a tool. This is what's beautiful about this. Look, when you react, when we react to our kids and we assume the worst, you're just being a little snot. You need to get with the program, get in the car, you need to go, right? And we assume the worst and we miss this whole opportunity because usually it ends in this big

power struggle. We're arguing because we're doing too soft on him. He needs to get to learn all these things and we're yelling and we miss it. In this case, I just taught him a lifelong skill. I normalized the anxiety. And now when you're older, when you're at college, when you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, probably in the 80s, now you know how to deal with the anxiety so it doesn't hold you back. So when your child takes his place, the instructor knows his name. He's there. See, I would repeat this process everywhere your child goes, and eventually he'll know to do it himself. And instead of constant meltdowns, constant power struggles, parents at odds with each other, now we have a more resilient child who knows he can handle these situations because you just taught him.

Discipline means to teach. We just tend to go to your room, no screens because you didn't go. And we missed an opportunity to teach him a life skill that he'll go through even through the upset stomach, which I experience on all my live events, and he'll be proud of himself, and he'll be hopeful for the future knowing we can do this. And if you can do this either alone or if you do this with your spouse, this is a game changer in your home, right? Because these things happen all the time so I encourage you practice this this week use these principles practice this if you need more concrete tools like this ask Casey for help or just go to the website celebrate home.com I just get the everything package it comes on an app it's

easy to listen to you both can listen to it on the app. You can share it with teachers. You can share it with your own parents. Your kids can listen to these things. Look, for your child to actually even hear this podcast, perhaps, for them to know, oh, that guy gets me, right? That makes sense. Now I understand why I do that and how I can help. Let your kids listen to some of the programs. Our most popular program is called Straight Talk for Kids, right? It's the one that Casey, our son, recorded for your kids to listen to. That's in the package. It comes on the app, so download it to your child's phone. That way, at least he's doing something constructive. Listen, if you need help, let us know. I'll do a phone consult with you, but practice this stuff. Work on it together in your

home, and if you have any questions, just reach out to us. We're here to help. Anyway, thank you. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for, what's that thing I'm supposed to ask you to do to give us five stars if you enjoy the podcast so more people can find it. Anyway, love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.