Calm Parenting Podcast - Stop Power Struggles Without Breaking Your Child’s Spirit

Episode Date: August 20, 2023

Stop Power Struggles Without Breaking Your Child’s Spirit  When you try to change another person’s behavior, you become frustrated because they don’t change quickly enough or the right way; they become frustrated because they can never change enough to satisfy you; and it never works! So how can you stop the power struggles without changing your child’s very nature or breaking his spirit? Want additional help? Get 35+ hours of content delivered directly to your device for in-app streaming. Visit https://celebratecalm.com/products to purchase the Get Everything Package at the lowest prices of the year. Want to talk with Kirk directly and come up with a game plan for your family? Kirk will work with you individually, or together with your spouse, to get you on the same page and help with the toughest parenting situations you haven’t been able to solve. These calls are a game-changer. Click here to learn about mentoring packages.  Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2023/2024?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,

no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Almost all of us as parents make the same critical mistake. We get hyper-focused on changing our kid's outward behavior. And when you try to change another person's behavior, look, and this could be your spouse, could be your kid, it could be even societally through laws.

Three things usually happen. One, you become very frustrated when that other person doesn't change number two they become frustrated because they can never change enough to satisfy you and thirdly it never works so everyone ends up more frustrated and it still doesn't change behavior because you haven't gotten to the root of it and I want to show you how to go beyond just trying to change outward behavior to actually giving kids tools to coming alongside and actually working with your child's nature instead of fighting it all the time. Because that's when we stop all these power struggles. So that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin. I'm founder of Celebrate

Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. I know some of you, I've met you in person and you know my exact tone. I say it the same way every time and you kind of mock me and I'm good with that. But I like order and structure and I like spitting this out. You know what comes next. If you need some help, reach out to our strong-willed son, Casey. C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecalm.com. Tell us about your family, your kids, agents. What are you struggling with? We get together as a family. We talk about it. We email you back, usually very quickly with practical tools because that's our mission. It's not a business. It's a family mission to help you with these strong-willed kids so you can actually enjoy them and stop the power struggles. If you need help financially

or otherwise with any of our products, just reach out to Casey. He's a very helpful kid, right? He's just like your kids. He's great for other people, not always for us. Anyway, so I'm working with these really great parents and they've got a typical strong willed child. And I want to tell you something actually before I get to this, let me tell you something really amazing about this little kid. He loves trucks and he loves truck noises. And his parents will often hear him just casually making these truck engine noises throughout the day. Now, see, if you're a normal parent like me, you're going to be tempted to say, Hey, Ethan, please stop. That's irritating.

And you'd be right. And there's nothing wrong with saying that. But before you do it, stop. Don't react to what irritates you at first. Instead, this week, and this is a bonus tip, pause for just a moment and ask yourself, why? Why is my child doing this? And stop assuming they're doing everything just to irritate you.

Now, if you have control issues and you're easily provoked, your child probably is doing certain things to irritate you. And that's your issue, right? Because if you didn't have all those buttons to push, it wouldn't be so easy. So stop being easy, button pushy. So see, being calm is not the end goal. It's a means to an end. See, the end of being calm is that I get to see situations clearly so I can begin to problem solve. I can actually see what's really going on and get to the root of the issue so I can actually solve issues. And I can build a deep trusting relationship with my child when I'm not freaking out myself. Because relationships change behavior. As you know, consequences don't. So instead of reacting

to that which irritates you, right? And watch. Notice that's exactly what your child does that you're trying to change. He reacts to things not going his way. Well, he may have learned that from you and me because when your child doesn't do things the way you want him to do, what happens? You react and get upset, right? We do the same thing. So no blame, no guilt. Just work on that. So instead of reacting, you collect yourself and become the detective.

I want you to become a detective of your child. Really look and step back and look at all the pieces of the puzzle. So on our phone call, when these parents mentioned that as an aside about these truck sounds, I stopped and I said, no, that's not insignificant. That's huge. So here's what we can learn from this supposedly irritating behavior. This boy who makes these guttural truck sounds has actually discovered an effective self-soothing technique. The vibrations coming from his throat soothe him.

How many of you hum or make little noises when you're anxious? I do. It's involuntary, right? That humming vibration is a self-calming tool. How many of you walk through the produce section of the grocery store looking down at your list and actually muttering the items on your list? I do. It's a way of stimulating my brain and remembering things, right? Because now I'm saying it. See, now your list is both visual, written, and it's verbal. And I kind of hear it myself. So based on this, I guess that their son is probably a sensory seeker, and he is. So it's another great clue, because knowing that provides one more tool to help calm him, i.e. doing very physical challenges or exercises or going through that obstacle course that I want

you to have. So then came a really cool insight from the parents. Hey, you know what? Sometimes when Ethan comes home from school, he'll say, I need to go be a truck engine for a little while. And I was like, whoa. Now, while that may sound kind of childlike and simplistic, maybe even foolish at first, it's not. That's deep insight. Here's what this young man already knows and just said. Hey, school's overwhelming and taxing for me mentally, emotionally, and socially.

So at the end of the day, I'm tapped out from meeting all those arbitrary and external expectations. So instead of coming home and yelling, having a meltdown, or lashing at you, I'm going to go to my room, enter inside my imaginary world where I can control everything and find peace, and I'm going to do something that's self-soothing to me, and it's also harmless, doesn't cost anything, doesn't hurt anyone, and it's actually helpful. See, now that is a mature way to deal with feeling stressed, overwhelmed, and tired, and that came from like a 10-year-old boy. I wish, right, I wish I was that mature to know my limits and then to do something self-calming that's not harmful, right?

And so all that insight came from recognizing that this child makes truck engine sounds. And instead of just being irritated, we just learned this is an amazing coping mechanism. So please this week, take some time, get to understand why your kids do the things they do. Best two resources we have for this, I would say, are the Strong Willed Child Program and the ADHD University. Even if your kids don't have ADHD, it's extremely helpful because it's how their brains work. It's all part of the Calm Parenting Package if you need help, reach out to Casey. So let's set the scene and see how a common situation unfolds. And I want to demonstrate a key point that was the original purpose of this podcast

before I just geeked out on the above insight. So here's another insight. So this kid's sitting in the living room building. He's very intensely focused. Because see, our kids don't really have focus issues. They have motivation issues. When our kids care about something, they can actually hyper-focus, which is actually a distinct advantage in life, right? But when our kids don't care,

then the reason to focus vanishes, and they can be labeled as having focus issues, right? So many of our intense, emotional, strong-willed kids actually visualize things they're going to build. They see it in their brain, right? What they're going to build, what they're going to create, what they're going to do, and that creates this intense vision inside. They can see it, feel it, experience it beforehand. And so when you get into a project like that, it's hard for most of us to stop, right? Like how many of us actually miss a meal or miss some sleep because we're so invested in a project. But we're allowed to do that because we're grown-ups, but kids aren't, right? And it's kind of arbitrary at times. But alas, it is dinner time. Dad's invested his time going to the store,

getting ingredients, making dinner. He's taking time and effort. He loves his son. He knows he's a bear when he's hungry. Plus, he wants him to be nourished, right? All good motives. So what does dad say? Hey, Ethan, it's time for dinner. Wash your hands, come to the table. And of course, no sound comes from the living room, no response. And right, that's sometimes worse, isn't it, right? Because there's no outright no, just ambivalence, ignoring his dad's voice if he even heard it.

Because right, our kids do have selective hearing because they don't wanna hear what you're asking. And some are so focused, they just get into their own little world and they actually don't hear you, right, our kids do have selective hearing because they don't want to hear what you're asking. And some are so focused, they just get into their own little world and they actually don't hear you. Right? So dad, good dad, asks again. Now, I think it would be weird if this child, a strong-willed child, actually got up right away. It would be. It would be even weirder if he actually washed his hands. And it would be Twilight Zone worthy

if he came to the table with a good attitude, grateful for the food set before him, ready to eat. Most of your kids are not like that. It's just not going to happen all the time, right? So you don't have to agree with this, but I believe it to be true with our kids. Expecting your child to come the first time is an unrealistic expectation on your part, knowing as you do that your child has never done this. He was born this way and he's always been this way. I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying it is what it is. And you deal with the reality that you've been given. So here's what we usually do. Ethan, come for dinner. Ethan, if I have to tell you again, right, which guarantees you're

going to have to tell him like five more times. Ethan, your dinner's getting cold, right, which he's like, I don't give a rip. I wasn't planning to come in anyway, right? Ethan, if you don't come right now, I'm going to put your Legos up for the night. And now you just unnecessarily triggered World War III and that's your issue. And I know every mom out there, I'm not saying moms, you don't do this, but every mom has heard her husband, that was me, do this of like, you know what? If you don't get her up right now, I'm going to take away the thing you most care about in life. In fact, the only thing you care about, the only thing you're good at, I'm taking it away. And that's when mom's like, oh, now the rest of the night is going to be

ruined. I'm going to have to clean up all the tears in this situation over the next three hours. And I wish, hubby, that you would have just stayed at work and worked late and let me handle things. Look, I'm not picking on men there. It just happens all the time. And it was our experience because I was at that. Right? And I can hear what you're saying, right? Like, well, child was disobedient.

And I can 100% see why you would say that. But here's my older guy wisdom after working with about a million kids like this. You can reasonably say he's being a disobedient kid if that's how you choose to look at it. But I see it differently. And by the way, for those who are like, well, you're just soft and you see, you know what? Call our son, call Casey sometimes, email him. You'll see a young man who is diligent, highly disciplined, highly respectful, extremely responsible, right?

Follows through on things, makes lists, highly disciplined, all those things that you want to see from your child. I handled it these ways, this way with him, and he's turned out that way. And so I want you to know, although it feels uncomfortable, like you're letting them get away with things, I'm being pretty permissive, you're not, right? So you gave your child a reasonable but arbitrary command to do something, right? Stop building and creating, come do something you're not interested in, knowing he has never been good at this, right? Naively or pig-headedly yourself assuming that if you just keep amping up the consequences,

that's somehow going to change his behavior. When in reality, you're just fighting his nature. I'm not saying his nature is right or good. I'm saying it just is. You're fighting nature. Well, I'm fighting his selfish sin nature. No, you're just being obstinate and you can justify it all you want and be right and ruin your relationship with your child and your wife,

or you can see it differently. I really mean to stop fighting nature. And this is really important. It's not like your strong willed child shows his or her nature. They didn't just, look, please think about this sometime. They were born this way. This difficult, challenging, oftentimes defiant, sometimes disrespectful kid in front of you, whether he's three or whether she's 17, they didn't wake up one morning and decide, hey, I think I'll just be oppositional toward my parents, struggle to connect with my peers, get in trouble constantly and lose everything I own. That sounds like a fun life. It's not like they chose this. It's part of their DNA and how they came out of the womb, right? And we act like it's just, well, it's just his choices all the time. It's his nature.

Again, I don't make excuses for kids' misbehavior. I can discipline in different ways and I give them tools, create success, all those things. But this I know, my son came out of the womb marching to the beat of a different drum. He came out wrestling and fighting and arguing, driven by things he cared about and valued that we didn't. And he struggled to feel accepted. He's 30 now. He doesn't walk when he's working. He marches. He carries out instructions with intensity. He handles conflict well. Why? Because he's dealt with conflict his entire life, largely by creating it himself, right? When we hike up mountains, Casey doesn't really hike. He chews up elevation with these big, bold strides. He doesn't eat dinner. He devours it. That's how

he was born. That's who he was as a young kid. And that's who he is now. And sure, he's learned with age, with us teaching by example, from the school of hard knocks, how to channel his nature into being a highly respected employee, just promoted. He's now actually the general manager of this side catering business. Look, he works full time for me and on the side. He just became a GM of the catering business and he told them, I've got a real job, right? But I'm gonna do this on the side, why? Because he's motivated to make money to pay cash for his upcoming wedding and honeymoon, right? So this is a very disciplined kid.

But look, whether he's 30 now, when he was three, when he was 13, when he was 20, same thing, it's his nature. And look, I know people have choices to make, but the truth is a lot of what we ask our kids to do and be good at is purely arbitrary. It just is. Sitting still in a seat, memorizing information for a test you'll never use, coming when called, right? Look, I'm 57. I eat dinner when I want. Today, for example, I'm hyper-focused on writing and recording this. That means I opt out of certain family activities and eat whatever I

want whenever I want. Why? And there's no one there shaming me for it, right? But our kids don't have that option. So let's go back to our scene. You've seen this unfold a hundred times. You asked your son to come to dinner knowing he's going to delay or ignore it or fight. So stop thinking that one day your magical lecture words are going to somehow change your child's nature. They aren't. Right? You're just going to destroy this child's spirit that way. You're more likely just to crush his spirit.

And I don't want that. So why would you needlessly set your child up for failure once again, knowing he's never been good at this? Knowing it's not his history, not his pattern. Let me ask again. No blame and no guilt. But think about this. Why do you needlessly set your child up for failure over and over again, knowing you're just not good at these things? Right now, flip this around on you. If you have a more compliant child, what if you started asking arbitrary things of them,

of not just asking them to follow directions because they're good at that. Hey, right now, I want you to be super creative. Actually, I want that. Hey, right now, I want you to be super creative. Actually, I want you to be really assertive. I want you to be bold and march and be assertive and do things the way your brother or sister does it, right? I want you to build like they do. I want you to hyper-focus like they do. And then when they didn't do that well because that's not their nature,

I want you to shame your compliant child and start getting on them about how you're not creative and you don't push the limits and you don't stand up for yourself. We don't do that, do we? We only do it to the strong-willed child. And then we wondered why all the strong-willed kids struggle with a lack of confidence. They feel like they're bad kids and nobody likes them. We've got to fight that.

And I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the system that we We've got to fight that. And I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the system that we've bought into that does that constantly to these kids, right? So we needlessly set this child up for failure. And then we create an incident because we're pigheaded and think, oh, kids are supposed to just come as soon as you call them all the time. It doesn't work with these kids. And you're going to have to just deal with the fact that this is the kid that you've been given and stop wishing and hoping that they were someone else. Because all this does is create anger deepened down inside your child. And I know without a doubt that almost every strong-willed child struggles with this as

well. When they make a, quote, bad decision or choice, and the parent tries to address it, even calmly and without anger, they almost always blame someone else. They deny it. They run away. They scream. But they don't face it because they're embarrassed and because they're ashamed inside. And this is all related. And it's why that anger and frustration festers, why they say things like, I'm so stupid. I wish I hadn't been born or you're stupid or they blame other people. So please let's stop setting them up for failure and comparing them to the good child who listens and comes right away. Because I guarantee you in life, those are not the best qualities to have out in the real world.

So most good dads are going to respond, well, I'm just being a dad. I'm correcting him and holding him accountable. And I know your intentions are noble, but that's not what's happening. You're trying to have a kid that you don't have. And rather than change yourself, you're trying to change your child because that's a whole lot easier and more comfortable than admitting that you're rigid or you have control issues or you have unrealistic views of parenthood based on your own experience because maybe like me, you had a harsh dad and you ended up turning out okay, right? You're like, well, my dad was harsh, but I turned out okay. And that's an excuse that we make.

I'm glad my dad taught me how to work hard. He didn't cut me much slack and he had high expectations of me. All of those things are good. But what my dad also had was a very critical spirit. He was way too hard on us. And he didn't have a relationship. He didn't know how to balance the toughness, right? And so he died without having a real relationship with any of his four boys. And that's tragic. And his four boys also didn't grow up with the benefit of gaining from our dad's knowledge. We're all hard workers, right? And that served tragic. And his four boys also didn't grow up with the benefit of gaining from our dad's knowledge.

We're all hard workers, right? And that served us well in life. And we honor our dad for that. But we didn't want to make the same mistake he made and that many of you are making. And it's like, well, if our child doesn't start to change, you know, I'm just going to hold back and I'm going to withhold my affection from him. Don't do that. That's immature and that's wrong,

right? So dads who are digging in, look, I'm going to hit this hard because you're a guy. I'm a guy. I like being talked to very directly, right? I don't like being talked to like this and talked down to and all of it. No, talk to me directly. You may think that your wife is coddling this kid, right? And all he needs is some tough discipline, but know this, your wife is coddling this kid right and all he needs is some tough discipline but know this your wife is coddling you because she knows you can't handle it when things don't go your way or your son doesn't behave the right way or there's legos all over the floor so she has to expend all of her emotional energy trying to make the home environment dinner and outings just right for you so you don't have the meltdown or get critical toward the child that she loves. And guys, you're going to have to humble yourself and acknowledge that your way hasn't worked for the

first three or four or seven or nine or 12 or 15 or 17 years of your child's life. So what makes you think it's going to suddenly work now? It's not. See, it worked when a strategy isn't working. You don't keep stubbornly trying it for years, demanding that you're right and everybody else is wrong. You'd get fired for that. Instead, you change your strategy. So I want you to do the same now. It's not weakness. It's called wisdom. It's called being smart. Otherwise, you're going to alienate and lose a relationship with a child that you brought into the world or adopted and who probably shares many of your same traits. And then you're going to lose your wife because she's not going to side with you. She's going to choose the kid, not you. So here are a couple ways I would handle the situation. Number

one, instead of barking into the living room, which is your right, you take the extra seven steps into the living room. You get down on one knee and you say with positive intensity, now that, that is really cool. I'm curious what that's going to look like when you're done. Hey, while we're eating dinner, I'd love to hear what your next steps are. See, are you giving in because you're not expecting demanding first-time obedience? No. One, it's an unrealistic standard. And for my religious friends, it's neither biblical nor desirable, right? Second, you're working with your child's nature now instead of just trying to bend his behavior or ask him to do something he's never done

this is simply being smart I went in and I gauged him where he was that's what you're creating and building working on right now that's cool I'm excited to see what it's going to turn out like so hey come dinner when we're eating dinner I want to see what it's going to turn out like. So, hey, come dinner when we're eating dinner. I want to hear what the next steps are, how I can help, what's it going to look like. Two, I wouldn't, I'm not recommending the second, but I wouldn't have a problem with this if you occasionally said, hey, I know that project's really important to you. So you stay focused on that and you can heat up your dinner when you're ready. Now, I know that throws's really important to you. So you stay focused on that and you can heat up your dinner when you're ready. Now, I know that throws off your sense of order

and throws you into a tailspin, but what are we teaching him? What about the other siblings? What if they want to keep playing their sport or video games or their passions instead of coming to dinner? Then does no one come to the dinner table? I get that. All fair and legitimate points.

I personally don't have a problem dealing with each child individually. Hey, child A, you're naturally compliant and easy. You rarely fight me and I appreciate that. Also benefits you because you're not in trouble like your brother. Child B, I agree it isn't fair, but I'm not interested in fairness because fairness doesn't exist. I'm interested in treating everyone equitably and with dignity. So yes, I let your brother miss dinner occasionally because when he's hyper-focused on creating something he's envisioned, it always turns out to be something amazing. And that's probably how he's going to work throughout his life because that's the way he is made. Now you're made differently. So you know what's not fair?

It's not fair that I allow you to do X and Y, right? Now, why do I do that? Because those are your passions and interests. So my guess is that Ethan, your strong-willed child, right, is going to miss some meals, miss or not care about certain social conventions and cues. He's going to do things at odd hours of the night because that's what creative people do. They get inspired, they work with momentum, and they hyper-focus. By the way, one of the key things you're going to learn from the ADHD University program is you don't teach kids and strong-willed people how to manage their time. You teach them how to manage their energy. That is a massive insight that they need their entire lives.

It is how I built this company with an onslaught of emotional, mental, and physical energy from scratch, from the seed of an idea. Nobody had ever done what we did, invite kids into your home and do it this way. It was intense. I miss dinners. I miss sleep. But what I most want you to take away from this podcast are these three things. One, instead of reacting to irritating behavior, learn what the root is. Use that to your advantage. See, knowing why this kid likes to sound like a truck engine is hugely illuminating. We can use that to help him calm down. We can use it to help him do homework. We can use it so many different ways. Number two, try a different way. Engage your child where he is with enthusiasm. Learn to say yes and then lead your child to what

you want them to do. So it's just barking stuff all the time. Lead them to it, right? I like that a lot. Look, whoa, what you're doing is really cool. That's really meaningful. While you come with me, I'd love to know what's next. Number three, I want you to work with your child's nature. No, we're not excusing bad behavior. I'm working with their nature instead of trying to change it, right? But work with that nature instead of trying to change their nature. And you give successes. You create successes by giving your child missions using their particular gifts, talents,

and passions. And then you're going to affirm that child relentlessly when they do something well. You plant lots of seeds. Hey, that was a good job, man. I love how you handled that situation. This week, let's work on that. And I promise if you will work with their nature, you're going to get a lot more compliance, right?

A lot more them being responsible. You will start to enjoy them. You'll see them in a different way. And instead of creating power struggles all the time unnecessarily, you're going to create successes. That's what we want. If you want creating power struggles all the time, unnecessarily, you're going to create successes. That's what we want. If you want to know how to do that, look, all I have to tell you is either get the Calm Parenting Package or get the Everything Package because it's everything we've ever put together. All of our wisdom, insight, practical situations

over and over again on this podcast. This is a 26-minute podcast. I get to give you a couple examples. In the programs, they're hours long. I give you 30 hours worth of materials, and I give you all these different options for how to do it. And here's what I do know. When parents invest in that, and you listen to it, and you listen again and again, the tone of voice gets inside of you.

It becomes more natural. It becomes part of who you are. And most of all, you begin to see your child in a very different way. I always start with the Strong Willed Child program. When you download these to the new app, because you get this cool app on your phone, computer, you share it with your spouse. It's so easy to listen to. And you listen again and again on the way to work, while you're going for a walk, while you're doing yoga, while you're at work, whatever. Just play it all the time. It'll get inside of you. If you need help,

reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. We'd love to help you out. Thanks so much for listening. Love you all. Bye-bye.