Calm Parenting Podcast - Stop Tantrums & The Relentless Arguer

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Stop Tantrums & The Relentless ArguerYou’ve got a little one who throws tantrums daily and/or a child who argues relentlessly. Like having a cop, attorney, and judge all wrapped into one. So how do you stop the tantrums and that relentless arguing while teaching the child to control himself? Lots of good insights for kids of all ages. Click here to take advantage of this week's special! Email [e-mail] with any questions and we'll be happy to help out. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you've got a little one, a toddler. There's those tantrums all the time. Or as they grow up, you have one that argues with you relentlessly. It's awesome. Hey, welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. Just so you know, we get this. You know why? Because we've got a strong-willed child named Casey. And if you ever email or call us or write to us, nobody writes to us. But if you email or call us, you're going to communicate with Casey.

He was our son that came out of the womb with boxing gloves on that loved to argue. The one who could pick out all your inconsistencies, wouldn't remember anything that you ever told him to do, but he could pick out all your inconsistencies, remember everything he could possibly use against you. Like many of your kids, he was like a little cop, judge, and attorney all rolled into one, right? Had to control everybody else, every situation. He was bossy, couldn't play a board game with him, right? Because he had to change the rules of the game, cheat or quit. We

get it. We ended up having 1,500 of those kids come into our home. Why? Because we love those kids. Those kids are very misunderstood and we wanted to teach them how to control their own emotions and impulses, teach them how their brains work so they could be wildly successful. And it was a really cool thing that we did. And we're very, very grateful that we had that opportunity. I've said it many times. We didn't change those kids' lives as much as they changed our lives because we learned an awful lot from being around 8, 10, 15 strong will kids at a time, especially when we'd make sure that they'd get hungry or we'd disappoint them on purpose so they'd have a big tantrum and meltdown so we could teach some valuable life lessons.

It was awesome, although in the moment, it was really hard. So let's hit two things today. I want to hit this, though, before we do this, our role in this. We don't do blame or guilt, okay? This isn't about like, oh, you're such a bad parent. That's why your kids do these things. Not at all. It's not that you're doing anything wrong, although you probably are, right?

Because we all do. But it's this fundamental truth, which is there's only one person in life that you can control, and that's yourself. And the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. And I could show you that in 150 different ways. It is such a powerful concept. Because look, if your whole goal in life is this, look, we've got to change this child's behavior. If you set out trying to change or control the behavior of another human being, two things will happen. One, you will get very, very, very frustrated yourself and you will frustrate that other person. And it doesn't matter if we're talking about toddlers, teens, elementary school, grown adults, in politics, in church, wherever it is, it doesn't

work. But what always works is when you learn how to control yourself, your anxiety. It's really, really cool. So let me give you two examples of how this kind of works out. And then next week we might do another two examples. So you've got a toddler, right? Look, we get this all the time. Well, I can't have a long conversation and talk rationally with a toddler like I can an older child. Well, the truth is you can't really talk rationally to older kids or teenagers either, right? You can, but you really can't, right? And I get it. You can't have long talks

really with anybody, but with toddlers. But it all works the same way because the toddler, look, I guarantee you, your toddler knows when you wake him or her up, they know what kind of mood you're in in the morning. They can feel it. They sense it. They pick up on it. Do you know where a lot of the separation anxiety comes from? And again, it's not blaming you as the parent. It's because the parent is having trouble dropping that child off, right? Because sometimes there's this thing inside the parent that's really anxious because I'm not sure how my child's going to do today. And I don't know if I'm going to get that call. And then there's this thing inside the parent that's really anxious because I'm not sure how my child's going to do today. And I don't know if I'm going to get that call. And then there's other things going on, perhaps like, oh, I don't really want to let go of my child. And now they're growing up and I don't

want that to happen. Look, that happens when your child's three, happens when they're 16, happens when they're 17, when they're 12. And I guarantee you that toddler or the older child can feel that. They sense it. They hear it in your tone of voice. And that's why we talk a lot about controlling your tone of voice, that you have to control yourself so that your tone of voice goes even. And matter of fact, otherwise that toddler will pick up on your discomfort even more quickly than older kids. They're very in tune with your body posture, with your tone of voice, and they can feel stuff. I promise you that's true. So you've got a little one who's throwing a tantrum. Let's define it. A meltdown, which I've covered on multiple podcasts, is a meltdown tends to be extremely emotional.

Your child just goes from here to here, and you don't know what it is because there's something emotional driving it. Something happened at school. There's anxiety. A tantrum, to me, on the other hand, is rational. Mom, I asked you for something. Can I have fruit snacks? Can I have fruit snacks? Can I have fruit snacks? No. And I'm going to throw a big tantrum in the grocery store. And at the end of the day,

whenever it is, because I didn't get what I wanted. And so therefore, I am going to have a huge meltdown. And the goal of the tantrum is, sorry, tantrum. I'm going to have a tantrum. The goal of the tantrum is very simple. I want to make my parents so uncomfortable that they finally give in and give me what I want. It's brilliant and I don't blame kids for doing it. Why? Because it works most of the time. Why do you think your kids have a tantrum in public? Because they know it's going to embarrass you. And if I can have permission to be blunt, embarrassment's your issue. It's your own immaturity. Because now in public or in church, in the grocery store, you're allowing the opinion of a stranger who doesn't give a rip about you or your child.

They just want to judge you, right, in the grocery store because you have a child who's doing a tantrum, right? That's your issue because you're allowing the opinion of a stranger who doesn't care about you to then impact and determine how you treat your child and react to your child. Again, comes back to me. So we had 1,500 kids in our home. I made sure the first day that one of these kids came to camp that I disappointed them on purpose. I would say no to them. It's not that hard. I just didn't give them what they wanted. What would I get? A tantrum. Why? Did I want to teach them a lesson? No. I wanted to show them about the character that I was going to demonstrate whenever they were at my house. So, and I hope that makes sense, it wasn't about

changing them and teaching them a lesson that at my house, I'm hardcore. You don't get to demand things from me, which is true, but that's not what it was about. I wanted to demonstrate this. Look, it wasn't about their behavior. It was about demonstrating what my behavior would be when they threw their tantrum. Look, it's not that hard to know what they're going to do. You say no, you've seen the tantrum a hundred times. I already know what their behavior is. My question is, how are you going to respond to that? What is your behavior going to be like? So here's how I'd handle it. And we did this a lot in public too, because we took these kids out in public and made sure we didn't give them everything that they wanted, whether we took them to the National Zoo, or that was always fun, or to, it was honestly, we had such a great time

with these kids, but it was miserable a lot. You've got one or two strong willed kids. You want to take eight or 10 or 15 of them to the National Zoo during the summer where it's going to be crowded, and 15 little kids who are used to getting their own way and have very strong, definite opinions of what they want to see all want their own way. And so you can only really try to keep one happy at a time. Not my goal to keep them happy because my goal is not to make other people happy, right? It's just not. But you know what I mean. So I'd be like, yeah, here's what we're doing, right? We're going to go see this first. But I want to see the tigers, right? They'd be miserable, and then they'd get tired, right? Because they couldn't walk that far. My legs

are going to fall off. Yeah, it was a lot of fun, but it was great training for us because what I learned was if I was the leader and I didn't react to them, they would follow me. That's what I learned. So whether we're in a grocery store at home and they'd have a tant them, they would follow me. That's what I learned. So whether we're in a grocery store at home and they'd have a tantrum, I would sit down. Yeah, a lot of times I would sit down in public. At home, I always sat down. And I encourage you, if you're a parent of a toddler or a little child, slow life down a little bit. Stop trying to rush through everything like, oh, I've got all these things I have to do. I've got to teach my child all these things. No, you don't. It's just going to happen. Life happens. And that's when you teach them, right? Look, we do this stuff all the time. Guys, I don't have time for your fights. I don't

have time for your meltdown. I don't have time. Well, what do you have time for? All these artificial things that you're creating in their life that you think, well, if I sign them up for this and this, that's going to help them be a successful adult one day. No, it's not. You're bypassing all the important stuff. The important stuff is the tantrum or the sibling fights or the meltdown or your teenager getting mouthy with you. That's the important stuff.

Not to shut it down, but to learn from it and teach your kids during those moments. Cut out all the other stuff that none of us did as kids. Seriously, save yourself some time and money. Stop over scheduling your life, right? So that, oh, I just don't have time for all these things. Well, then that's your issue. Stop. I used to joke at the live workshops, and it's not really a joke. He's just saying like, look, purposefully slow your life down. Every afternoon, just put a block of time where you're just going to let life happen because it's going to happen. Your kids are going to melt down over homework. They're going to fight you over something happened at school. They're not getting along with their siblings. This is real life.

And so like, I don't have time for that because we've got you, I've got this class and we have to do this and we have to do that. You know, cut the other stuff out. Save yourself some time and money, right? Well, I don't want my kids to get bored. Your issue again. Their boredom is their issue. Told kids that all the time. We had days at our camp where kids would come in and we would just say, hey, today's going to be boredom camp. You know why? I'm not a circus clown and I'm not your entertainer. It's not my job to entertain you and keep you happy. But I believe that you're capable after you get bored enough and after you're miserable enough, I believe you're capable of using that creative brain that

you have and that awesome imagination and coming up with something productive, something, it doesn't have to be productive, something purposeful, something to solve your own boredom. But it's not my job to solve your boredom. And see, that's, again, that's a parenting issue. Well, honey, what about this? Would you like to do this, honey? And as soon as they hear that, what they know is, oh, my mom and dad can't take it when I get bored. And so it feeds it. And the whole loop kicks in because what they know is if they just keep going with it, you'll eventually give in and just let them have their screens or whatever else it is just to mollify them and keep them happy. And that's not their issue. It's your issue, right? That's yours. And that is not blame or guilt. It just says you have

control over these situations by controlling your own attitude and yourself inside to know that I'm not going to be held hostage to my child who's bored. No, be bored. I'm perfectly comfortable with your boredom. My job in life is not to make you happy. My job is to give you tools so that you can control your own behavior, so that you can be responsible for yourself. It is not my job to be responsible for you. I am responsible to you, right? Like if you're three or two or one or four, I'm responsible to you to feed you. But my job is not to make you happy. And my job is not to make your life happy and comfortable because guess what? Life can be hard and there's boredom and there's disappointment. My job is to teach you and train you so that you know how to deal with disappointment

and boredom in life because it's inevitable. Guess what else? Things are hard in life. Homework, it's going to be hard. I'm not going to dismiss it. Oh, honey, if you just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes. That's a snotty thing to say. Now, the better thing to say is, of course it's difficult. It's really difficult, especially after you were at school all day, and now you come home and you have to do work.

Of course it's difficult. But I believe you're capable of working through it, working through the challenge. And once you do, I know it's going to feel really good, but I'm okay with your little tantrum right now. I'm okay with you being upset at me. Don't need you to be happy. So I mean, gotten to this example yet. So just hang in there. A lot of good stuff in this. So I would sit down often with the toddlers that came to our house, little ones. I'd just sit because what I was communicating and what I did communicate was this. Even if they didn't understand my words, my tone of voice and my body posture showed them. Look,

I wasn't standing over them with hands on my hips lecturing them about why they can't have fruit snacks because it's late in the afternoon, it's going to ruin their dinner, and they haven't eaten anything healthy, and all these things that we do to try to convince our kids, which never, ever, ever, ever work. Instead, I would sit down and say, look, I'm good with your tantrum. Good with your tantrum. I'm okay with it. I don't change people's behavior. It's up to you. I just want to let you know how I roll in my home. I have two rules in my home. One is we do everything with excellence. Everything. If you're going to have a tantrum right now, I want it done with excellence. Throw a big one. Do a really good one. Throw yourself on the floor. Yell, scream.

I'm okay with that because my second rule is tantrums in my house never, ever, ever, ever work. Your mood does not determine my mood. Your behavior does not determine my behavior. You may throw a tantrum. You may get very upset. All I want you to know is at the end of the day, it will not cause me to change my response to you. I will not give in. I am okay if you do this in public, right? I'm not going to get embarrassed when you are throwing a tantrum in aisle four. I only get embarrassed when I'm throwing a tantrum in aisle four or my husband's throwing a tantrum in aisle four, right? And I guarantee you over time your kids will stop throwing tantrums because they're very, very practical kids. What they learn very quickly is, oh, this doesn't work anymore. It's the only reason they were doing it, right? Now,

I'm going to add something to it, but let me do this. Let's advance a little bit. Now we've got an older kid, right? And this could be a teenager, could be a seven-year-old, a nine-year-old, doesn't matter to me. And he's the relentless arguer. So let's say his name is Jacob. So I come home from work. Jacob comes home from school. Jacob's like, Dad, you have to take me to GameStop to get the new video game. And my response when I say no to kids, it's always, hey, not going to happen today.

There's no long explanation over all the video games that he currently has that he doesn't even play with that we spend way too much time on that. A study showed that playing video games, I'm not going to go there. They don't care. All I let them know is, hey, not going to happen today. My no is even and matter of fact. There's no this voice. There's no explaining.

See, as soon as you start in that voice, well, buddy, you know, I'd really like to take you, but your sister has soccer practice. Because he's going to jump in and be like, oh, sister can walk to soccer practice while you take me to GameStop. As soon as you start explaining and trying to convince them, it clicks in the little tourney brain, and now they're going to try to overcome your objections. And again, that comes back to you, right? And some of you, the hardest part that you're going to have is you just can't stop, and you talk too much, and that works against you. So when he comes home, and he demands something of me, and I'm like, hey, not going to happen today. Now, here's the thing. I expect from the strong-willed child, push back. I expect push back. I expect him to argue with me. Do I like that he does it? No. Do I condone it?

No. Do I think that it's awesome? No. But I expect it. Why? Because it's built into the structure of his DNA and who he is. Look, your child has been like that from the day he came out of the womb. It's not like some lecture about, you know, you just need, we just need to be content in all things. Okay, that's a lovely sentiment, and I know for some of you, you're going to be like, well, it's not just a sentiment. It's scripture. I get that. But you're not content in everything yourself. If you were content in everything, you wouldn't be listening to the podcast and so annoyed with your kids because you're not content with your kids as they are because they annoy you. So how'd you like that one back in your face? Can you tell I was a strong-willed child? But I say it with love, which I do. Because look, I know sometimes it sounds a little bit harsh. It's the way I like

to be talked to. And sometimes you have to have someone be direct and say, I guarantee you, everything that you lecture your kids over, you probably struggle with yourself. Like this one. I don't know why my child, they whine all the time when they don't get what they want. I'm like, yeah, you're here whining because your child won't listen to you. Look, it's human nature. Stop getting so upset over human nature. You tell your child no, that you're not going to take them to the video game store. Look, I know some of you expect your child to say, okay, mother. Okay, father. I trust your wisdom that you know best.

Would I love for them to say that? Sure. Absolutely. It's just that my son and most of the kids I work with never said that and never will. Maybe when I'm 85 and Casey's 60, he'll do that. Actually, he does do that now because he's older and he gets it. And I have a lot of wisdom. But anyway, stop.

Just relax. Of course, he's going to argue with you. And instead of getting... Anyway, let's roll with this. So what's going to happen? I'm going to walk away. Child's going to follow me. Of course he is.

So I go upstairs. What happens? I double lock my bedroom door. Doesn't deter your child. He's going to go outside, climb up through the second floor window, and come in your bedroom. He's going to keep coming after you. Why? Because that's what they do, and they're relentless.

And it's an awesome thing. So we get all upset. We do this thing. Why can't you never take, why can't you ever take no for an answer? All these things. Just realize when you're saying that, that you just identified the top quality of a salesperson. Don't take no for an answer. So your kids could make a really good living being a salesperson because they can overcome any objection. Anyway, that was not meant to be just a little aside. That's true. You've got to start picking these things out. Stop trying to change your child into what you want them to be and stop negating all their good qualities. I know these things are annoying at times and maybe all the time, but you're missing so much of your child's personality that you can use to your advantage if you could just harness it. So rather than getting in a big fight, all of that,

here's what I may do. Look, this is one way to handle it. It's partly why, look, I get a little bit frustrated in this. I want people to listen to our CDs. Why? Oh, you just want to make money. I make enough money from speaking fees. I don't need your CD money. I'm just being honest.

I'm getting older, so I'll tell you like it is. I want you to listen because I can go through on the CDs eight different ways to handle this. I have time on there to explain and to get into details. And you can listen to it again and again and again and again and again. And you get this inside of you. And the reason I want the CDs on, whether you download them to your iPhone or your Samsung or to your iPad, your computer, whether you play the physical CDs in your car, whatever you want to do, listen again and again and again, because one, I want your kids to listen to it and hear it, partly so they'll hold you

accountable, but also so you just get to model this and it's top of mind throughout the day. By the way, if you go to celebratecalm.com, we're doing a little special. So before we do this stuff, I'm always like talking to Casey and I text him and say, hey, what do you think we do this week? What's the deal? And he goes, dad, we haven't done the bag in a while. The bag is a special promotion we do where you get this cool Got Calm bag if you order the physical CDs or it's a little bit cheaper if you order the electronic download and quicker. But you get this little bag, and inside of it are four of our top CDs that will help you with all this stuff, from discipline, teaching about strong-willed child,

controlling your own anxiety, and lecturing. It has on there, Cases Straight Talk for Kids. If you want to customize it, you can get the bag for little kids. And this has a CD for kids ages 2 to 7. If you need for older kids or teens, instead we'll substitute the Motivating Kids program. It's easy. You go to the website and you'll see it there. Celebrate Calm and you'll see a little tab that says Get the Bag. And I texted Casey tonight, actually a little while earlier, and I said, hey, why don't we do get the bag 99?

And so his look, I want this to be authentic. So he said, sorry about that. He said, yeah, we can. Yes, we can do that. Surprises me. You're willing to do the bag for 99? Question mark explanation. And he said, we've never sold it like that before.

It's always been at least $150. On the website now it's $200. And I said, well, are you good with that? He said, yeah, $99 is compelling. He said, just surprised, but perfect. That's how we communicate by text. So that's why we're doing it. $99, less than a trip to the therapist, and you get a ton of stuff. It's a good deal.

If you want a customized email Casey or call him, 888-506-1871, or Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com, and ask him for help, and we'll help you out. The best customer service on the planet, I promise you. He's fast. He's quick. He's thorough the planet, I promise you. He's fast. He's quick. He's thorough. He gets back to you.

He'll be polite. Everything that he wasn't for us, he will be for you because that's how your kids are as well. So anyway, let's get back to our story. So he's going to come after me. So here's one other different way to handle it. So I may say, hey, Jacob, listen, I've seen this movie play out in our home like 35 times this week. Here's how this movie began. This is the longer version, which I love, but you can shorten it. So here's how this movie began. At school all day today, here's what was happening.

I don't think you were really paying attention in class. You know why? Because you were thinking about that new video game, because it's really cool. And all your friends have it, but you don't because all your friends have parents that don't love their kids because they just buy them whatever they want. Again, there's a little sarcasm and a joke in there. You don't have to say that part. But it is true. Be the parent. Be the parent who's the leader. Right. Don't give in. give your kids everything. They don't want stuff anyway. They want experiences.

So anyway, Jacob, all day at school, here's what was happening. You were thinking about that video game, and you were thinking of all of my objections to taking you to GameStop because you knew that I wouldn't want to do it. But here's what I love about you. Great critical thinking skills. You already knew all of my objections, and you're a good thinker, and you've already overcome those with arguments in your brain. You know what that tells me? Good critical thinking skills. You already knew all of my objections and you're a good thinker and you've already overcome those with arguments in your brain. You know what that tells me? Good critical thinking skills, which is what you want in the job market because one day

a company is going to pay you a lot of money. You know why? Because you're a good thinker. Now, you don't always get rewarded for that in school because sometimes school just wants you to memorize information. That's not a strong point of yours, but you are a really good critical thinker. That will make you awesome for a company one day because you're going to challenge things. Awesome attorney. I love that quality, but we're not going to GameStop today. So here's how the movie unfolds. You come home from school. I come home from work. You demand that I take you to GameStop. You know as your father, I don't do demanding. So I say no.

You don't like being told no to. Why? Because you've got a strong will. You came out of the womb like that. You've got an agenda. You know what you want, and you go for it. I love that quality about you. But Mick Jagger was right.

You can't always get what you want. So I walk away from you, and you follow me. And you keep coming. I double lock my door. You climb up, climb through the second floor window. And you know what I love about that? It tells me that you're persistent and you're relentless. And those are great qualities.

Because here's what I know about you. When you care about something, when you want something, you are persistent. And a Harvard study said, number one quality for success in life is not good grades or good behavior. So forgive me for sending that message to you and only focusing on those two things instead of harnessing all these good qualities. Because what I see in you is persistence and relentlessness when you want something. And my job is to help figure out what you really care about and help funnel that. Now, you don't have to say all that, but what I like

to tell the child is, hey, I love your persistence, but we're not going to GameStop. So Jacob, here's how the movie ends every single time. Now, if you want the shorter version, just go right to this. Hey, Jacob, look, I've seen this movie play out in our home 34 times this week. Here's what's about to happen. I told you no. You don't like no. You come after me. You chase me down. I say no, and you don't like it. Here's how the movie ends every single time. You end up saying disrespectful, inappropriate things to me, and I end up not taking you to GameStop and taking away all of your other video games, and you end up in tears. Is that not true, mom or dad? Is that not true? Every single time, it ends like this.

Your child goes too far. They call you names. They call you stupid. You're dumb, and they go too far. You get upset. Now you take away everything that they already have. They don't get to go to GameStop. They're in tears. And the whole night's ruined. It happens like that every single time. So here's how to do it differently. So Jacob, look, I know what's about to happen. Look, I'm teaching the child. That's what discipline means.

Look, I'm a grown adult. I get it. You want the new video game. If I were you, I'd want it too because it actually looks pretty cool. Fact is, we're not going tonight. So one of two ways to handle this, Jacob. You may continue to talk to me like that. You can yell and scream at me, but here's what I know. The last 34 times you've done that, you haven't

gotten what you wanted and you ended up in tears. So I'm going to give you some ownership. I've got to go get started on dinner. I'm going to go walk the dog. Remember, I like movement a lot. I like leading to a different place. I'm not going to stand there in that moment and go toe-to-toe with a child. So look, I'm going to give you a couple minutes to think about this. Here's what I'd love to do. You've already demonstrated that you have very good critical thinking skills. You're creative in your thinking. You're relentless and you're persistent. I believe that we could use those three traits. So if you want to come cook dinner with me or go walk the dog with me, I bet we could brainstorm three different ways to earn some money

right in this neighborhood. Sure, born entrepreneur. And with that money, you could buy your own video games from now on. If you want to talk to me like an adult and problem solve with me, I bet we could take care of that. If you come downstairs, if you go walk the dog with me, we could problem-solve instead of fighting all the time, and then you get to have ownership of your choices. Does that make sense? See, instead of controlling the child, I'm controlling myself. I'm getting to the root of it, and I'm teaching him some important things about himself. I'm showing him a different way. That's what discipline is. It's to disciple. It's to teach. Look, the way that we've been doing it, Jacob, clearly isn't working. So here's a different way to do it. And you might just get a different

result. See, I'm teaching him how to problem solve instead of, I don't know why you can't take no for an answer. Why do you, why you already have video games you don't play with. I'm tired of you doing this. I'm tired of you being the way that you're born. That's kind of what we're saying. Instead of saying, look, I see these good things in you, but using it that way is not going to work with me, but I bet we could do it a different way. And look, the tone of voice doesn't change whether the child's two years old or 12 years old. It doesn't matter. I'm the same. My tone of voice is the same. My leading to problem solving is exactly the same. The words may change over time as the kids get a little bit older, but they're not reacting to your words so much as they are your

body posture. And they're picking up on your tone of voice and your confidence because they know you're not getting all worked up and you're not using the really sweet tone. You know, why don't, you know, why don't, why don't we talk about this? Look, I'm not doing anything. I'm not being, what I want you to know is I'm not being weak at all. I'm not like, well, I can tell you're upset, so why don't we figure this out? See, that's weak. I don't want to be weak, but I'm also not going the other way. When I tell you something, you need to adhere to it the first time. I don't want any talking back. Do I want talking back? No, but I've got a strong willed child who's been doing this and pushing back from the time he came out of the womb. It's kind of in his nature.

So I give a little bit on that one because I know I'm going to get the pushback. It's just that I can learn how to deal with the pushback instead of always reacting to it. If I'm being perfectly honest, I think that's honestly, when I just did that little, that voice of like the guy who's like, well, you're not, no son of mine's going to talk about you. You're not going to, it's just, if I'm being honest, it's just your own immaturity because you can't deal with stuff in life. Right. And I can say that honestly, because I was pretty much the same way. I mean, I've only been grown up for a few years myself. Right. It's just, but that's your issue. And so the beautiful thing is there's no condemnation or guilt in that. Well, you, right? It's just, but that's your issue. And so the beautiful thing is

there's no condemnation or guilt in that. Well, you're just saying it's my, no, the good news is the moment you begin to change yourself and grow up and be mature and learn how to deal with stuff in life that's not all pretty and that's not all nice, that's not a flow chart, as soon as you learn how to grow, you can change these circumstances. And instead of it being, now I'm kind of going in my old dad route here mode, instead of being, well, he's just this until he stops doing that, well, I'm just going to withdraw from him because I'm just going to withdraw my affection from him until he learns dad's not happy when you act like that. Yeah, I mean, fine if you don't want to have a relationship with another human being. Sorry to be sarcastic

with that. But right, it's just that it's just an immature babyish thing to do. Well, until my four-year-old, until my eight-year-old, until my 12 or 14 or 16-year-old learns how to talk to me. Come on. You're the grown-ups. So start acting like it. They are feeding off of you. They only do it because it works and you keep reacting to them. And if you don't change yourself, I guarantee you, for the guys out there, please, please take this to heart.

You're not going to have a relationship with a child. And I know inside you're like, well, I don't want a relationship anyway. The kid's a little pain in the... I get it. They're difficult. But guess what? You're difficult too. Guess what? I am too. We're all difficult. We're all broken. What they're looking for is a grown up. And I promise you, my son is 26 now. I almost effed it all up. I almost effed the whole thing up. I did. I was really close. I was really close to being, right, to be living out on my own somewhere in some little apartment estranged from my family. Why? You know what? I was perfectly right. I could have convinced you in the moment of how wrong my wife and my child and all this

and how they just needed to change and they did all these things wrong. I could have convinced you of that. And I would have been right. And I would have lost my entire family. And I would have been estranged from my child. And I love Casey. I love my relationship. Look, he's not any different than he was.

I'm the one who's different now, and I get to control that, and that did change and soften him, right? It's a cool thing. Anyway, if we can help you with this stuff, let us know. Email us. Email my son. He'll tell you how this works. He knows he's a kid. Now he's a young man. A few years, he's going to have his own kids, and I can't wait. I'm going to pray that he has the most strong-willed kids ever. It's going to be awesome. I can be so disappointed if when he has his first kids, if they're really compliant. I'm going to come in and try to mess that up for him. You know I'm kidding, but not really. Anyway, contact him. If we can help you in any way, if we've got some products, something that you need, let us know. We'll, contact them. If we can help you in any way, if we've got some products,

something that you need, let us know. We'll help you out. If you want us to customize something for you, we'll customize it. We'll customize it within your budget. Don't come around, you know what I mean. Anyway, we'll customize it, but don't manipulate that. Anyway, we're here to help. We throw our energy and lives into this. We want to see changes in your family because what drives us are generational changes. When we get emails from parents, they come in daily like, I always thought it was my child's issue and then I changed myself and my family's different. It's the coolest thing on the planet for us. So go to CelebrateCalm.com. You'll find all of our stuff there. Get the bag. If we can help you, let us know. Hey, thanks for being willing to change. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.