Calm Parenting Podcast - Struggling, Unmotivated Kids: 2 Ways to Help

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

Struggling, Unmotivated Kids: 2 Ways to Help Okay, so this podcast is only for the courageous parent who wants to completely transform their relationship with a strong-willed child. Kirk gives you two scripts to use that he normally only reveals during the Parent BootCamp. We think you’ll cry when you realize how deep and affirming these statements are, and how misunderstood your kids are. Learn more about the Parent BootCamp here: https://www.celebratecalm.com/camps/ Kirk’s Birthday Sale is here: http://celebratecalm.com/birthday-sale/ Need help? Contact [e-mail] or call 888-506-1871. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.

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no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey everybody, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm with the Celebrate Calm podcast. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. I'm going to make this intentionally short because

I just have two pieces of homework that I believe are going to be very powerful. Before I get that, shout out to my son Casey. Unbeknownst to me, he sent a special happy birthday message to me this past Friday and actually sent it to everybody on our list. And he actually made up a special birthday sale because he knows on my birthday, I don't like giving gifts, but I like giving to people because that's kind of a cool way to do life, right? So we got such a positive reaction to it this weekend because a lot of people downloaded the CDs, listened to them. We got all these testimonials. So he just texted and said, Dad, why don't we extend it for a week? We'll make it your birthday week. And so I was like, well, son, that means you've got to get

me something. Give me something every week. And he's like, not happening, Dad, but we'll do it. So that's the way strong, well kids roll. Anyway, if you need help with that, because it's not listed on our website, it's a special thing for people on our newsletter list. Email my son, it's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate calm.com. And he will help you out. So here's what I wanted to go through today. You know, our kids, these strong willed kids. They're kids who don't respond to consequences. They're kids that see and experience the world in different ways. They're kids who are challenging. Gotcha on that.

They are. They like to prove their point, right? They're rigid sometimes with their opinions, and they like to prove their point. They have a high sense of justice, so they will argue their point forever. They're like cops, judges, and attorneys all rolled into one beautiful little package, whether they're three or 13, right? They, oh, playing board games with them? Forget about it.

Not going to happen. You know why? Because they're going to change the rules of the game. They're going to cheat or they're going to quit. So I get it. These kids are frustrating. And so what happens is in our society is we lie to our kids. You know why? Because we spend all of our energy on these two things, good behavior and good grades. But the bad news for you is all those things that you're putting all that time into,

research and science say they are not predictors of life success. They aren't. Good grades, good behavior. They're not accurate predictors of life success, right? We're focusing usually on the wrong things. And we get all anxious about it because we want our kids to do well, and they're not going to do it. And they resist us all the time.

We're like, oh, what are they going to do? And meanwhile, their gifts and talents atrophy because we never really pay attention to the way their brains are wired. And so these kids go through school, go through society with all these false expectations. And I know it's hard, but look what we tell our kids, do well in school. Well, here's the thing with school for a lot of our kids. Our kids are awesome at a lot of things that they don't get grades for, but what they struggle with is pretty much all the things the schools want them to do well, right? Sit still, follow directions and verbal commands all day long, be a follower. They're not good at that.

They struggle oftentimes with short-term memory, with memorizing information and then taking a test and then forgetting it, right? Like that's what you're supposed to do in school, kind of. And they're not good at that. Oh, run long. Make some friends. Well, they struggle with making friends in class because unfortunately we just group kids together for all 12 years of school with kids their own age. Only our kids usually struggle with that because they have something called asynchronous development. They're out of sync. Intellectually, they're kind of up here, right? They do better with older kids and adults. And then socially and emotionally, sometimes they're

kind of a year or two behind, often very innocent and very naive. They act out silly in class so kids will laugh and like them. So they get along better with little kids and animals. Who do they struggle with? Kids their own age. Same kids they're supposed to be friends with and collaborate with for 12 straight years of school. So it's no wonder that our kids sometimes struggle in school. So here are two things I want to give you, two action steps to take that I think will be very, very deep.

These are deep things. I don't usually share these even at live workshops and not always even on the CDs because there are some deep things I only do in person with people on phone consultations or when we're doing our parent boot camp. And the reason I bring this up is we just announced our first parent boot camp of the year. And it may be the only one, only because we're traveling a lot. And the parent boot camps take a lot out of me because I limit it now. There's only 10 families can participate. I'm going to learn everything about your family before we even get to the boot camp. I'm going to ask follow-up questions. I'm going to give you tips and hints

even before we get there. And then when we get there, it's going to be very intensive because I want breakthroughs on things. And so anyway, if you're interested, just look at our website, celebratecalm.com, and you'll see a little tab there for camps. And the first three people that register are going to get a bunch of bonus things, 20% off, whatever. Look at it. So first thing I want you to ask your child or even bring up, say to them in the next few days is this. Hey, son, daughter, does it ever feel like I misjudge your motives? And I will tell you that will resonate with your strong-willed child. One of their biggest triggers in life is that they feel very misunderstood by teachers, principals,

parents, everybody in society. You don't even have to ask a question. You may even make it an apology and say, you know, I've been thinking about something. I think I have misjudged your motives. And if I have done that, I apologize because it's not my intention. And I do know that that hurts. And if I were you and someone misjudged my motives, I'd feel very angry about that. So I apologize. And I want to take this a step further. I don't want to keep doing that. So could we have a code word? Like when I'm misjudging your motives, right? When I'm saying like, you know, if you would just apply yourself or you're just being difficult or rude when in case that's not

really the case, something else is going on. I want to know. So you could just tell me misjudge. You could use that word or, you know, we could take a referee usually has a shirt with black stripes on it. You could just say like stripes are upside down, mom, or you're wearing the stripes backwards or they're sideways. That would be a way of you telling me I'm off a little bit and I need to dig deeper and say, well, I'm curious because I'm not understanding this situation right now. And I want to understand it. Begin doing that when your kids are young. If you have teenagers, I guarantee they've had years, if not a couple of decades of feeling misunderstood and like you don't understand them and that'll cause these kids to shut down. Don't expect them to say, mother, father, thank you so much for trying to understand me. They're not, it's going to be awkward, but bring it up anyway and own your part in it. And I guarantee you'll get a breakthrough if you continue to do

this. Now, I'm kind of tempted to just stop right there with this one thing. And I'm thinking about it because we're about seven minutes, 45 seconds in, and that's enough. You know what? I'll give you the other one. This is deep. This is deep. But I want you to do it. Your kids labor under so many false expectations. So here's what it may sound like when you talk to them. Son, I want to release you from the expectation that you need to do things the way I would do them. I want to release you from the expectation that you should do life the way I do it. Because I guarantee you, you have control issues. Why? Because you're a human being and you've got a lot of anxiety because you've got a strong-willed child and you're worried about their future because you know if they would just do things the way you want them to do, it would be so much easier and your child would be successful and you

could sleep at night. But that's not the way it works in life and that's not the way it's going to happen for them. And I guarantee you, if you continue to impose your expectations, I'm not talking about having ground rules and rules and expectations. Like you have to have those. I'm not into permissive parenting. I want very strong ground rules and borders, boundaries around your kids. I'm talking about the false expectations that you have that your kids are supposed to be like mini-me's, mini-you's, and do things. They're not going to always do things your way, and I want you to release them from that expectation. I want you to go a step further, which virtually no one does, and most of you won't do, but I want you to do it and say, not only do I want to release you from the expectation that you need to do life the way

I would do it, I actually want to learn from you because there are qualities that you have that I wish I had. There are times where you don't care what other people think and you don't want to need to be a joiner and be a people pleaser. You're your own person. I wish I was more like you because that takes courage. And I wish I didn't always try to learn from you, to think differently, to see wrong with you, and I want to release you. I want to release you from the expectation that you need to do life the way society wants you to do it. Because society will always grind everybody into a pulp. They want everybody to be the same.

They want to fit you in a box because that's what makes people comfortable. And when they encounter people like you who are different, who see the world differently, who aren't afraid to speak up, who aren't afraid to sit underneath the desk at school and take your test, who aren't afraid to do things and see the world in a different way, it makes them nervous and anxious. And they're going to want to group you in with everybody else. And I not only want to release you from that expectation, I want to free you to be yourself, to be who you're made to be. And I know you're going to get in trouble for that a little bit. Sometimes I know you're going to push the limits.

Sometimes I know you are, and you're going to get in trouble a little bit. And I want to give you wisdom so you don't get thrown in jail a little bit and I want to give you wisdom so you don't get thrown in jail and so you don't die, right? But I want to release you to be the person you're supposed to be because the world needs you. Society needs people who aren't afraid to stand up and do what's right, to do it differently. And I like that trait and we need you because any trailblazer, any inventor, anybody who does something big always

has to fight against these self-imposed, societally imposed, school imposed expectations. And I want to free you. And I want to free you from the expectation that you need to be just like your brother or sister. And I apologize. I have compared you to your brother and sister, and that was wrong because I don't want you to be like them. I don't. I want you to be who you were created to be, even if sometimes that makes life difficult for you, and even if it makes it difficult for me. Part of the problem is that either, watch, it's either that I'm so different from you and I don't understand your motivations

and that's why I'm going to be curious to try to understand you, or it's difficult because you're just like me. And I know how much I struggled like that with all of these things. And I haven't wanted you to face those same struggles. And I haven't wanted you to face those same struggles. And I haven't wanted you to stub your toe so much. So I've tried to change you. I've tried to change

who you are and how you do things so that would be more safe for me and safe for you. And I apologize. I believe you're capable of being wildly successful just as you are. Now I'll help you because you're going to need a little help around the edges. You're a little bit rough sometimes and you're going to get in trouble, but I'm going to step back and give you space to step up and be the person you're supposed to be. Look, I guarantee you if you start approaching your kids that way, even if you don't say all of that, like in one, you know, one big Newt Rockne speech to them. But let it be done both in subtle ways, in the ways that you respond to them, and in overt ways. You can write that to them. You can text that to them. But I want you to start reinforcing that because I guarantee you most of us have just

told our kids what's wrong with them. Why can't you ever do things this way? Why don't you study enough? You never do this. And it's all negative, negative, negative. And we bring all of our intensity to the negative. And then we wonder why our kids are defiant, have bad attitudes and shut down. I guarantee you, if you start bringing this kind of affirming message to them, I guarantee you they'll start responding and they'll feel empowered to do life the way they're supposed to do it. It's just going to make you uncomfortable. But that's your issue. And you need to deal with that. You're the grown-up.

I'm being kind of tough on you, aren't I? You know why? Because I want to see a breakthrough in your family. And it's not going to happen with, well, you know, we just need to do this. No. You need someone to tell you bluntly, cut the crap. Stop doing what you're doing right now. And let's take a different path. And that's why, look, I want you to,

here's what threw me off. I just got someone sign up for the bootcamp. Within 14 minutes of announcing it, pretty freaking cool. Listen, I'm warning you, the person who just signed up for the bootcamp, I'm going to hit you hard, but it's going to be so liberating. You're probably going to cry in this thing, not from being beaten down, because I'm going to build you up, and I'm going to hit you hard, but it's going to be so liberating. You're probably going to cry in this thing, not from being beaten down because I'm going to build you up and I'm going to rebuild your family, but we're going to hit this so deep that your kids are going to get, you're going to get your kids in a new way and it's going to be awesome. So just warning you, it's going to be awesome, but it's going to be hard work. So I want you to sign up, but you can't be afraid because I'm going to, I'm going to bring it and we're going to change your family. Now, if you can't afford that bootcamp, because I know

it's expensive because you're getting a lot of personal time with me, we're going to go deep. Email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, celebratecalm.com and ask him about the Kirk's birthday special sale that he put together. And listen to that. That's like 30 hours, right? 30 hours worth of insight and strategies. That'll change your family too, right? So ask him about that. Sign up for the camp thing.

If we can help you in any way, let me know. But those are your two pieces of homework this week. Do those two things over the course of the next week or two and just see what starts to happen, okay? Love you very much. Thanks for letting me be tough on you. It's only because I want you to change and your family be transformed and to break generational patterns. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.