Calm Parenting Podcast - Thanksgiving: 8 Ways to Handle Big Emotions (And Judgmental Family!)
Episode Date: November 19, 2023Thanksgiving: 8 Ways to Handle Big Emotions (And Judgmental Family!) For many parents of strong-willed children, holidays mean getting judged by family members who don’t understand your child and ...getting pressured to be tougher with your discipline. I was embarrassed by my son’s behavior around family so I’d angrily correct him while my wife was caught in the middle once again. It can be a lonely place. So I am going to give you 8 practical strategies so you’re prepared to not only survive, but enjoy this Thanksgiving. Take advantage of our Black Friday Sale at CelebrateCalm.com. Early Access to our Black Friday Sale Begins NOW! Take advantage of the Lowest Prices of the Year at https://celebratecalm.com/black-friday/ Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email Casey@CelebrateCalm.com and Casey will help you personally! A Revolutionary Baby Monitor is Born. Visit www.MasimoStork.com to learn more. Get $15 off the perfect Christmas gift, a Skylight Digital Picture Frame, at https://www.skylightframe.com/CALM Get your kids something they will actually LOVE, use, and look forward to getting all throughout the coming year. Build your child’s confidence NOW! Visit crunchlabs.com/CALM and get your kids CrunchLabs today! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies
because we only have one body and one skin.
That's why we love OneSkin.
Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best.
We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,
no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions.
The secret is OneSkin's proprietary OS1 peptide.
It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin.
OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging,
One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer.
Get started today with 15% off using code KIRK at oneskin.co.
That's 15% off at oneskin.co with code KIRK.
After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them,
so please support our podcast and tell them we sent you.
Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn,
and IXL makes that so much easier. IXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K to 12.
IXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's
learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child
in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level.
They're not forced into a single learning path.
Kids love IXL's positive feedback,
and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.
Make an impact on your child's learning.
Get IXL now.
Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive
20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk
to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Thanksgiving is this
amazing holiday where families are in complete harmony,
where everybody's just grateful for their lives. Nobody judges. Okay, that's not true. For many
families, especially parents of strong-willed children, holidays mean getting judged by family
members who just don't understand your child, and they pressure you to be tougher with your
discipline. Look, I used to get embarrassed by my son's behavior around family,
so I kind of angrily correct him while my wife was caught in the middle once again.
And it can be a really lonely place for you.
So on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast,
I'm going to give you practical strategies so you're prepared to not only survive,
but hopefully this year even enjoy Thanksgiving. So welcome. This is Kirk
Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need anything,
reach out to our son, Casey. C-A-S-E-Y. It's CelebrateCalm.com. Let us know about your family,
how we can help you, because that's what we exist to do. We're in the middle of a big,
big sale. It's Black Friday coming up. So go to the website, take advantage of that. If you need
additional help, talk to Casey. So let's set the scene. You're gathered together with family. You've got your
mom and dad there, brothers and sisters with their kids, your kids, and your strong-willed child.
And you're already a little nervous and on edge because you've heard some of the comments,
i.e. judgments, before about your child who melts down, your child that's super particular about his clothes and food,
who acts out at restaurants and church.
And you know your family thinks you let them get away with things
and you just need to discipline him harder.
But you've tried consequences.
You've been firm and consistent.
You've followed through and it just hasn't worked.
And your family's already pressuring you and talking about him. They're even goading
your child a little bit like my family did to Casey, knowing he's the different one. The one
who doesn't play as well with his cousins. The one who isn't sitting on grandma's lap. The one who
isn't being fawned over by grandpa and the uncles because of his good grades and athletic prowess.
He's sitting alone. He's
building something really complex. He's actually completely content if everybody would stop
comparing him or try getting him to be like them. So while the cousins are outside playing,
he's inside by himself. And you know what's coming. He doesn't like turkey or yams or stuffing.
He likes the dinner rolls just fine, but nothing else. Sitting still at a stuffy
table with good manners while everybody eats, engages in conversation, it's just not his strong
suit. So he's begged you already to allow him to eat pizza or mac and cheese early and just keep
building with his Legos or whatever he's working on while everybody else sits around that long table talking and joking
or listening to Uncle Frank go on and on about himself or politics. And you've tried to convince
your child, honey, it's just one meal a year. You don't even have to eat the turkey. Just eat the
dinner rolls and sit there for 45 minutes. But you know he's never going to say, you know what,
you're right, mom. I'll take one for the team so you're not embarrassed and don't feel like a failure in front of your judgmental brother, sister-in-law,
and parents. He's not going to say that. So you talk in hushed tones with your husband. Please,
honey, it's just not worth it. Just let me feed him early. He can just sit downstairs building
with his Legos. He'll be content. He'll be much better. But see, your husband, i.e. me,
is afraid of being judged by your family for being soft and coddling a little kid. So he
doubles down, charges away from you, heads towards your strong-willed child who's happily playing by
himself. And you know what comes next. Tears, pleas, sobs. Mom, you said I could just eat early and not have to do the dumb
Thanksgiving dinner thing. Why is dad making me do this? And once again, you're caught in the middle
between an admittedly challenging child who's sensitive with a big heart, but who does make
things more difficult sometimes, and a husband who isn't that great at controlling his own
emotions, not to mention being caught between your child and entire cadre of nine family members,
all with their own opinions on what you're doing wrong and how you're failing as a mom,
even though this is the one thing you care about and have worked harder at anything else than you
ever have in your whole life. And it's Thanksgiving afternoon and you start to cry.
Why doesn't anyone understand you or your child? Why does everyone have to judge and pressure you
instead of simply letting a kid eat and play by himself? See, if you make your son sit at the
dinner table, he's going to be corrected constantly by his father who feels pressure to be tough.
And that isn't going to go well and your
son's going to react. And now tension is going to permeate the entire dinner table while everybody
looks on in disapproval and disdain just like they did at Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. And it's
just you and your son against the world. Could be your daughter, right? You can't eat, you can't enjoy
your family or Thanksgiving, and you just want to go home, curl up in the fetal position, and not
feel this judgment anymore. And you'll apologize 18 times to your family, but to no avail, because
sometimes people just want to judge because it makes them feel superior and better about their own lives.
And this was our experience when our son Casey was young.
I was that dad.
And that was how most holidays went with our family.
So I want to share some ideas that will hopefully make this year better for you.
Number one, be confident.
I'm going to come back to this, but I want to sow that seed
now. Your confidence is everything. Look, I want you to know this is normal. This scene is normal
with a strong-willed child. You didn't do something wrong, and you're not a bad mom or dad,
and there's nothing wrong with your child. Ignore the nonsense from family and society. Number two, this is what you can do proactively.
Set your child up for success beforehand.
Look, our strong will kids aren't always great at childhood stuff,
but they're usually very good in the adult world.
They often have natural gifts for building, creating, making things.
So think about this now, today.
What is your child good at doing?
When is he or good at doing?
When is he or she most content?
Think about this because other adults often brag about their kids, don't they, right? So when other adults do brag about your child and they're like, oh, your son, your daughter is so amazing.
What are they usually saying or bragging about?
See, let's give your child an opportunity to do those things he's good at doing
at Thanksgiving. Ask grandpa or grandma or your aunt and uncles to actually give your child
a specific mission when they come to, right, when your kids come to their house. Hey, Benjamin,
I've heard you're really great at doing X. Do you think you could
help me with this project? See, you want to put your child in a position to succeed, to excel. We
often ask our kids to play on a playing field in which they're just not good at playing that game.
So figure out what they're good at doing and let them play on that playing field. Look, some of you
have kids who are awesome with younger kids. Maybe they can help babysit or take care of the younger kids,
right, to give your sister or sister-in-law a break with her kids. I just want the other adults
in the room to see your child at his or her best, right? So giving your child a mission will also
focus their energy and it boosts their
confidence because you're asking them to do something they're actually good at doing.
Now, if you can, I would find two or three projects your child can do throughout the day.
Don't be afraid to ask them to do adult type jobs. They may be awesome at cooking a part of the meal.
If you can get your OCD relative control freak to let them do it, carve, they might be awesome at cooking a part of the meal. If you can get your OCD relative control freak to let
them do it, they might be good at carving the turkey with a homemade hatchet they made or
handling some grown-up responsibility. Let them do it. Just saying, hey, go play with your cousins
or beyond your best behavior won't work. So I want you to put some thought into this now. Number three, plan some
time away during family visits. And this includes all of those week-long vacations and time with
big groups of extended family. Look, on week-long summer vacations, we always took a day to ourselves
or ate dinner by ourselves at least one night just to get away
and decompress. So on Thanksgiving, plan a run to the grocery store. Make sure they're open
or actually who cares if they aren't. Just say, hey, we forgot something. We need to run to the
grocery store. Volunteer to run get that last minute item that your OCD relative forgot that's freaking him or her out.
Volunteer to do anything. Just get out of that house with your strong-willed child.
Go for a drive in the country. Stop at McDonald's. Go play in a park somewhere. Go run an errand. It
doesn't matter. You're already going to get judged. Why not at least get out and play and laugh together for an hour and then come back fresh?
Number four, take back control of the day. Is there something your child made recently that
you can bring on Thanksgiving day? Some way to go kind of on the offensive and change the narrative
a bit rather than feeling defensive all the time?
Can you show your family a video of something your child created or bring something he or she built?
Oh man, I can't wait to show you what Benjamin did. Look, some of you have kids who can build like a robot from scratch. It's way better than sitting still in class all day. So look, everybody
else is likely coming in talking about how their wonderful child made
the honor roll again and has all straight A's and they're gifted and their teachers are just
raving about them. And that's wonderful for that child, right? That's awesome. But I don't want you
having to compare your child on a playing field that isn't level. I want you showing off your
child's gifts and talents, right?
Did your child donate money to a homeless guy on the streets
or volunteer at an animal shelter?
Did your child start a little side business making money,
working on that robot or some creation,
taking apart something complex and rebuilding it
like a future engineer would, right?
Number five, let's take control of the narrative.
Now, please let me begin with my snarky responses to your relatives.
This is mainly just for fun, but these are some things you wish you could say,
but there's also some truth in here that you can extract and use.
Here are two things I would want to say
to well-meaning, let's give them the benefit of the doubt, well-meaning relatives who are
concerned about you. Is there anything more condescending? We're just concerned, right? I
hate that about you and your child and they're concerned about the job you're doing raising your
child. It feels so awesome. So here are two things I would love to say.
Extract some things.
Oh, so you're still raising your children to be good at, well, being children?
How quaint.
See, we're raising Benjamin to excel as an adult, which he's already doing.
See, everywhere we go, literally everyone tells us how helpful Benjamin is.
Once a week, he cooks us a full meal.
Using HelloFresh at 50% off. Sorry, I couldn't resist, but it is a great deal. So take advantage of it. So he helped
an elderly neighbor clean out his gutters using a special stick that he invented. He just started
investing his own money and he's made some great investments researching different companies.
We know he's not that good at doing kid things, but man, he's going to kill it as an adult. Oh, so now tell me about how your child's
doing so well memorizing information for children's tests. Can't wait to hear. Right? I know that's
snarky, but wouldn't that be awesome about talking how their children are good at being, well,
children. But our child, oh, he's already in the adult world. Extract some things from that.
You should be telling other people about how your child helps elderly neighbors down the street
and feeds homeless people and does all these other cool things.
So you don't have to be snarky.
I want you to be a gracious person.
Unless your relatives are really pushing you, then I give you permission to go full throttle
at them. But don't shrink back from giving perspective here on what you're trying to
accomplish. Look, you're not raising your child to be good at childhood stuff, which is largely
arbitrary in nature and which you don't have to ever do again after you're an adult.
You're raising your child to crush it in the adult world and a world in which your child
is already pretty comfortable. So here's my second response. Oh, you're still raising your child to
be a compliant role follower? How sad in this day and age when what's necessary in the adult
world is a take charge leader and entrepreneur who's not afraid to take risks and push the
limits. Oh, your little Sarah? She's an adorable people pleaser. I'm sure she'll find an excellent
mate who's controlling, just like you did. Mic drop, walk out of the room. Sure, you won't be
invited to their house for Thanksgiving next year, but that might be a bonus. Sure, you won't be invited to their house for Thanksgiving next year,
but that might be a bonus. Again, you can't do that. Be gracious and kind, but you can,
in a confident manner, give perspective. Look, mom, dad, brother, sister, we've been thinking
a lot about this, and we've challenged ourselves asking, what do we really want for our kids? And see with Willie,
you know who she is. She'd just be her adorable self. She's happy. She gets along with everybody.
She's like the little mayor and that's who she is. But with Benjamin, he came out of the womb
intense fighting and clawing for what he wants and what he believes in. And we made the mistake
of fighting his nature for the first nine years of
his life. That's my story with Casey. Because we thought he was so particular and difficult
until we realized that much of that resistance was created by us because we've got anxiety and
control issues. But we're starting to learn how to use that intensity to our advantage and his. And then share some
examples of how his asking questions and being a good critical thinker and inventor, all those
good things are playing out in positive ways. And this isn't meant to be self-serving, but you could
share the Calm Parenting podcast and just say, look, this guy's given us a different perspective
on the strength-willed child and we're starting to see it make a difference. So you're educating your kids. So that's why I'm leading up to number six, educate and give
perspective. Now, this is going to require a little more specificity, but if you have our materials,
listen to the ADHD University program. Your kids don't have to have ADHD. It just explains how
strong-willed kids' brains work and kids on the spectrum. And it's going to explain exactly how your child's brain works
differently and why they do certain things. You'll be using brain science that makes sense
and it will help you feel more like an authority on your child's brain development and how it
functions well. And it will help your relatives see your child and you
in a different light. But if you don't have our programs, then you're missing out on a ton of
insight. I don't know any other way to say it. If you want to see long-term change in your family,
we've got a big Black Friday sale going on right now. So look, order it now. Just go to CelebrateCalm.com now.
Look up the big sale.
Order it.
You can download it to each of your phones and listen on the way to grandma's house.
And if you want, we'll even share this with your relatives, right?
So you can download the product.
We're going to send and say, hey, could you send that ADHD university or that Strong Willed Child program to my mom mom or to my brother? And we're like, yeah, we can do that. Do that for free once you do this.
So number seven, get on the same page as parents, not your own parents. That might be too difficult,
but you and your spouse get on the same page as parents. Be unified as a couple, right? Remember
that scene I painted at the beginning of this podcast
with the mom being judged and the dad overreacting,
trying not to act like a wimpy dad,
but it ends up making the entire situation worse?
That was us. That was me.
And it made us look so weak and ill-prepared.
In some ways, my family was judging correctly.
It was no wonder that Casey was emotionally volatile.
Guess where he learned that?
From me.
And I'll just say it bluntly because we don't have a lot of time.
Guys, men out there, if you're listening, I need you, look, I don't need you to do it.
But your wife and children need you to man up, to stop making excuses for your own lack of self-control,
and finally learn how to model being a calm leader in your home.
There's no blame and guilt here, but there's no way around this.
Either you get control of your own emotions, and I can show you how to do that,
or nothing will change in your home except that it will get worse.
Mom, same thing.
We've got to get rid of that guilt and anxiety and break those generational patterns once and for all.
Because once you calm your own anxiety, once to get rid of that guilt and anxiety and break those generational patterns once and for all.
Because once you calm your own anxiety, once you get control of your control issues and calm your reactions, then you can get unified on how to discipline and motivate your strong
willed child.
But even if you aren't there yet, go into Thanksgiving Day unified with the above plan.
Encourage each other.
Stand next to each other as you're
saying the above things to your relatives about your Benjamin, about your Sarah, about your child.
And know that your child's going to be okay. Number eight, be confident. This is the most
important step. When your relatives are making comments and your child is acting out, you're
naturally going to want to become defensive and apologize. And this
is hard when you're surrounded by all these other people. But I don't want you to apologize and I
don't want you to be defensive. I want you to be confident, even if you are partly faking it.
I want you to have that perspective we talked about above. Your child is going to kill it in
the adult world, even if he or she isn't that awesome in the arbitrary kid
world. His or her brain does work in different and better ways, and you're doing the right thing by
teaching and problem solving and taking a different approach. I want you to feel confident when
talking to your family and friends, because that will cause them to see you in a different light and trust you and see your perspective.
So do listen to our programs on that app.
You're going to have so much insight and so many strategies and feel equipped and knowledgeable.
And we will share the programs with your skeptical relatives so everyone in your family can be on the same page.
You could even say this, look, I appreciate you all caring so much and I know
you want to help us. Here is the number one way you can support us. Will you listen to this program
on the strong-willed child because it will give you insight into your grandson, into your nephew
and what we're trying to accomplish. And if they continue to hammer you,
just say, look, I will be much more willing to listen to you after you've taken an hour or two
to listen to this perspective. Could you do that? Okay, moms and dads, we've got our game plan now.
Let's plan ahead. Let's create some successes upon arrival wherever you're going or
when your relatives arrive at your house. Let's have uncles and grandparents and aunts give your
child some specific missions they're naturally good at doing. Let's let them praise your kids
for doing those missions well. Plan for some short breaks away from family to decompress and laugh a
little bit at Uncle Frank's self-importance and your strong
willed child will probably do a fantastic impression of him. Bring your own meal for your strong willed
child. Who cares if he eats mac and cheese on Thanksgiving while everybody else is gorging on
carbs and desserts and feels awful afterwards. And prepare some of those snarky, okay, educational
talks with your family.
Walk in there with confidence.
Know that you're doing the right thing.
And if we can help you,
reach out to Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com
and we will help you out even on Thanksgiving Day.
Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours.
Thanks for listening and thanks for sharing this.