Calm Parenting Podcast - The Danger of Labels: Help, Don’t Fix, Your Child

Episode Date: August 1, 2021

The Danger of Labels: Help, Don’t Fix, Your ChildWhat if we labeled naturally compliant children with RFCD: Rule Following Compliance Disorder and asserted that their very nature is a disorder that needs to be fixed? Well, we’ve done that to our own kids with disastrous consequences. In this challenging and insightful podcast, Kirk shows you how to change this perspective and build your child’s confidence. Want personal mentoring with Kirk via Phone? Click here to learn about mentoring packages. We are including the No B.S. Program FREE with all mentoring purchases OR you can get it here for $99: https://celebratecalm.com/nobs/ Want to book a LIVE EVENT in 2021/2022?! We are now booking IN PERSON and Zoom events for schools, PTAs, churches, synagogues, corporations, and agencies! Simply email Casey@CelebrateCalm with LIVE in the subject line and he'll share a one-page proposal within hours. It's EASY!  Questions? Need help deciding on the best tools for your family? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So I have just come up with and named a new disorder that I want to introduce to the psychological community. It's called Rule Following Compliance Disorder, RFCD, and it afflicts a lot of kids and a lot of adults. And I would expect that I will start getting a lot of calls about kids who follow rules all the time. They are naturally compliant. They're people pleasers. They don't take risks. They play it safe their entire lives. In school, they color within the

lines. They're afraid to make mistakes. They're generally good at everything, but maybe they don't have a specialty and they don't go deep with it. They tend not to blurt out in class. They tend to be followers. And this is a huge disadvantage in today's world to have these traits. And why is it that the only people, the only kids that we try as a society, as parents, as teachers, the school system, church, churches, why is it that the only kids that we try to change are the strong-willed children, when I would submit to you, that have the very qualities necessary to be wildly successful in life, especially with the emergence of new technology in the olden days, where it's

like you got one job and you followed the rules and you got your pension and you worked for them for 40 years and then it was safe and secure. Well, that really benefited those who are rule followers and compliant people. But in today's world, I want the kid who's strategic, who's a problem solver, who tinkers with things, who knows how to push people's buttons because he knows he's got insight into their brains and how they work. And I want a child who likes challenges, who maybe doesn't do the easy things well. Oh, but when it's a challenge, then he or her or she steps up. I want the child with a lot of intensity who's willing to take risks, who colors outside the lines, who isn't afraid to touch the hot stove, who's got that intensity of that ability to hyper focus. Oh, they're not good at many, many things and they don't care because what they know is in life all you have to really do is be

exceptional at one thing in order to be wildly successful. That's not the only way but our kids tend to have that. I want the kid who's so focused and he's focused on his own agenda, right? That he wants his way because that's the kid who's going to push through and create a vision for his life and then follow through. But those are the very kids that we try to change. And you as a parent of strong-willed kids are going to have some hard decisions to make as your kids grow. And that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. That was a little bit

of an intense way to start, but I really want to provoke you to think because we've got about a month now until school begins and here comes all the pressure. So for those who don't know, I'm Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you want to speak to a young man, our son, who was very much like your kids and everything I'm describing here, then you contact Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com and tell us about your family, about your kids, what you're struggling with. We will reply back in a very personal way because this is not a business. It's not an organization.

It is a family mission. It's what we are passionate about and what we care about and we want to help you and we'll reply back personally with some ideas and some strategies. If you're interested in our resources, Casey will put together a special custom package for you if you need that within your budget or you can just go and take advantage of our sale that we have on now. Today's focus is a little bit going to be, I'm probably going to tie in some things from ADHD University. Your kids don't have to have ADHD, but these qualities associated with that are very, very important to understand. And for those who don't know, before we were Celebrate Calm, which is kind of a goofy name for an organization,

right? It was originally Celebrate ADHD because this was way back in the late 90s. I got really upset that everybody's like, oh, your child has ADHD. Oh, that must be the end of the world. They're really going to struggle. And that's why I just developed my own diagnosis and my own label of the RFCD. Because that rule following compliance disorder. Look, when I have grandkids, let's put it that way. I'm not having kids now, I'm 55. When Casey has children, I hope that they are everything that I described in that second child. That they are strategic problem

solvers, and maybe they've got sensory issues, and they're intense, and they're risk takers, and they can hyper focus. And I am well, well aware of all the challenges that come with that in school and in the home. But I want a kid like that. That's the kind of kid that I can mold and shape into a highly successful child. Now, I hope Casey has many, many children and I hope he does have at least a couple like sweet kids who just do what he says because that's just a lot easier. And they have their ways of being wildly successful in life as well. Okay, so let's just balance that out. But for the purpose of this podcast, what I want to really make us aware of is it's really only the strong-willed kids that we try to change all

through society. So I was talking to these parents. I was doing a phone consultation. Great parents. And we're talking primarily about their son. And their son is your son. It's why you're listening to this podcast and all the challenges that come with that. And so partway through the consultation, they were also talking about his younger sister and her personality. And I said, you know, isn't it interesting that we're not focused on your daughter and we probably should be. See your son, I can deal with your son. I've got strategies for every one of those things that you listed. I can turn those negative things that are happening now into something positive. I can do that very, very easily and I'll help you with that. But I said, isn't it interesting that we're not worried about, and we're not making phone calls about,

and we're not staying up late thinking about the compliant daughter who's going to face her own issues in life, but probably later on, because when you're in the traditional school kind of system, well, if you're a compliant person, you do really well there. So none of these issues come up until you get out in the real world. And then they come up until you get out into relationships and navigating work life out in the real world. But see, they skate underneath, they skate by during childhood. And we all focus on, well, I've got this strong-willed child. And I get that. And we were the same way. But I want you to know that it's very, very important that we begin to see this in the right context. And so as we start to get ready to go back to school, here's my question

for you. What are you going to do with this strong-willed child? And you're going to have to wrestle with this. Whether you are a single mom or single dad or whether you're a couple. You're going to have to wrestle with this. What are you going to do? Because this child came out of the womb like this and this is who your child is at his or her core. We'll give you tools, strategies to help them, to help them feel successful and confident and stop all the power struggles. And we'll give you lots of tools to deal with that. But at the end of the day, you have to decide what are you going to do with this child? If you have a younger child and they're going into preschool or kindergarten, I guarantee you, you are going to get phone calls very, very early on. Well, your son, your daughter doesn't follow directions well.

Uh-oh, what are we going to do? Because you have to follow directions in life. And my response would be, I know it's going to be difficult for you as a teacher, but here's what's happening. My son is intensely, insanely curious about how things work. And he's still only five, six, seven, eight years old. And so when my son walks into your classroom, he's probably not going to pay attention to many of the things that you want him to do. And I know that's going to be frustrating to you because you have an entire class that you have to manage and get them to do things.

But while you're talking about all those other things, my son's going to be observing the room and looking for things and seeing how things work and wanting to fix things and wanting to show you how to operate the whiteboard. And when something breaks, he's going to want to fix it. And he's going to see something interesting in the corner that attracts his attention because he's a really, really curious kid. And so he's going to miss out on things. And sometimes my daughter, when she's in your class, she's not going to sit still in circle time because my daughter, when she wakes up in the morning, has an agenda. She sees things in her brains and she, in her brain or brains because

they're very, very bright and they've got many little brains kind of within the big brain. And so she's going to have this picture in her brain of something that she wants to accomplish and she can hyper focus on it. And I know it's going to seem like she's rude at times or self-centered or like she can't or won't follow directions. I know that's frustrating, but that's not what's happening. But here's what I will tell you. If you will challenge my child, when they walk into the classroom and give my son a mission to do something that tinkers with things, with fixes with things, with problem solving, helping you do something that's more of an adult type project. Oh, you will love teaching my son

because you will see how bright and curious that child is. And my daughter who gets up during circle time and starts walking around, she's not intentionally being rude. She is driven by her curiosity to seek out other things and she needs a lot of movement. And she's only six or seven, so she needs that. Look, this can be for your teenager as well. It's the same thing

because you're gonna have a middle schooler or teenager who's very, very bright, but who isn't motivated by what they're learning in school. But if you will do the mission and mentor thing that we do, those strategies of finding a mission and mentor, and you get them doing service projects, building their own little business, working internships, doing things, helping neighbors with something, working for a non-profit, something they care about. If you get them doing a mission of some kind, using their natural gifts, talents, and passions to do something that they love, accountable to another adult, because your kids are amazing for other people, just not you, right? And you get my middle

schooler or teenager doing that. Oh, then you will discover what motivates them. Then you will discover how to actually motivate them in school. But it's not going to be by changing their nature. And I'm asking you before we get into the school year to define what do you really want. Do you want a child who just gets check marks on behavior and following directions and gets good grades? There's nothing wrong with that. And if your child is made like that, by all means encourage that. It's not a bad thing, but neither is it a bad thing to have a child who is insanely curious about things, but that don't happen to be things that they're learning in school. And you're going to have to decide where the balance is on that. And I'm not saying, well, let your kids do whatever they want,

not do their schoolwork. Not at all. But I want to use their curiosity to their advantage, to the teacher's advantage, to your advantage. And I want to use these brains to their advantage, to the teacher's advantage, to your advantage. And I want to use these brains that like the risk, that like the thrill, that like the hyper, that need, not like, that need to hyper focus, that need the brain stimulation and the strategy and the pushing the buttons. I want to use that to my advantage to help them actually do better in school without changing who they are, without making them feel like there's something wrong with them. Because nobody is calling me and saying, I want to talk to you about my child who just always follows directions, does everything we ask her to do, always is trying to please us,

right? Who colors within the lines, who's this like great kid, right? Nobody's calling about that. Nobody's trying to change those kids. So the question is, why are we trying to change our kids and their nature? And I know why it is. It's because it's difficult for them in school, it's difficult for teachers, and it's difficult for you. And it scares you. And you have anxiety about their future because you're worried about what's going to happen to this child because he doesn't quite fit in and everything seems to be difficult there's power struggles he's very particular he doesn't do well when we try to change things and in life things change and he gets disappointed when things don't go his way but that's part of

life and so how is that going to work and he's going to be able to keep a job and And who's going to marry him? Is he going to be living in my basement? All this anxiety of projecting out into the future will cause you to want to control and manage this child. And you have control issues. You do. And so do I. And some of you have perfectionism issues. And you want your kids to do things a certain way because that's the way you've always done it. Because that's convenient for you. It's the way you like it done and it's comfortable to you and a strong-willed child is going to make you very, very uncomfortable and I need you, I want you to learn how to wrestle with your own discomfort and maybe, just maybe, sometimes instead of trying to change a child, you and I, I'm going to make it myself, need to change ourselves. Let me make it more personal. Maybe you need to change. Maybe instead

of focusing all of your energy on trying to change this child because he's so difficult, well, maybe we change the prism. And I say, maybe we need to change. You need to change yourself because maybe you're too rigid. Maybe you have too much anxiety, too many control issues. Maybe you are a people pleaser. Maybe you get embarrassed by this child. Maybe you're afraid of the future for this child. Well, that means you need to change yourself. Why do we keep doing that? Look, this is why we do teacher training, because I want to give teachers tools so they know how to change their teaching style, how to motivate that child, changing that, rather than trying to change a child who was born that way, who will die that way, and who will be wildly successful precisely because of almost all of these qualities

that we're trying to change are the very qualities that are necessary for success in life. That was the foundation of the whole idea of Celebrate ADHD is stop trying to fix these kids and change everything as if everything's wrong, sure we need to give them tools. Sure we need to help them with their anxiety and help them to focus better. We do. And we do all that stuff. And that's why we created ADHD University. It's one of the foundational programs we have. But this other stuff that I'm talking about is all from the No BS program, which is learning to accept your child on a deep level and release them to be who they are supposed to be and learning how to control and change yourself

instead of changing your child you are going to have to wrestle with this repeatedly possibly daily for their entire lives and it's going to make you uncomfortable and that's okay I want you to be uncomfortable because you're just going to be. But if you learn to accept this child on a deep level, control yourself, give them tools to succeed, to work with their nature, not against their nature, you will see them eventually thrive. But it may not be today or tomorrow. It won't be on your timeline, but they will. And you will have raised a confident, curious child. And that is what we were looking for, especially with Casey, was let's define what we want. We want a curious child who loves to learn. And if you want that expanded, who isn't afraid to

touch the hot stove, who isn't afraid to make mistakes, who isn't afraid to blurt out sometimes, who isn't afraid to take a risk and a chance sometimes and get burned by it and learn from it. I want a child who's intense and I want to show them how to use that intensity and that ability to hyper-focus on something very specific that he or she is curious about and go deep in that area. So you are so, so good at that rather than just being a generalist deal with the child that you've been given stop trying to change them we can help you

with this and if we can let us know I encourage you invest emotionally in this invest and say no it's time we change we have a get everything package if you're ready to this, invest and say, no, it's time we change. We have a get everything package. If you're ready to go all in and say, we want to make this change and get this done before school starts so we are prepared for it, get everything. Or you get the Calm Parenting Package. Or you just get the No BS Program. Write us, email us, Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. Ask us about it and tell us about your family. We'll direct you in the right way. But I encourage you to listen to this one again.

Keep this one on repeat because it's very, very important. And I want you to wrestle with this inside and then be resolute. And just keep listening to the podcast too, because I'll keep encouraging you not to freak out. Your kids are going to be okay. We've got to make some changes, but we're not going to change who they are. We're going to change how we teach them, how we discipline, how we motivate them, how we affirm them. Your kids have a great future. If we can help you, let us know. Love you all. Bye-bye.