Calm Parenting Podcast - The Quickest Way to Change Your Child’s Behavior

Episode Date: April 7, 2024

The Quickest Way to Change Your Child’s Behavior Do you have a child who doesn’t want to listen, blames others, doesn’t clean up his or her room, is unmotivated, talks back like an attorney, refuses to sleep or eat or do homework, touches the hot stove rather than doing what you ask? Of course you do! Kirk shows you the most powerful way to change your child’s behavior, and do it quickly. Learn more at CelebrateCalm.com.  We Are Extending Our Spring Sale into April: You get everything we have ever recorded delivered directly to an app on your iPhone, iPad, Android, or computer. Listen anywhere, anytime. You get 35 hours of practical strategies and concrete examples, along with multiple PDF workbooks. Make 2024 different. Click here to learn more and take advantage of our Spring Sale: https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Questions? Email [e-mail] and he'll be happy to help out personally. Try AG1 and get a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D3 & K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase exclusively at https://drinkAG1.com/calm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So do you have a child who doesn't want to listen, who blames others, doesn't want to clean up his or her room, is unmotivated, talks back like an attorney, refuses to sleep or eat or do homework, touches the hot stove rather than just doing what you ask, and maybe even fights with siblings? Well, of course you do. That's why you're listening to this podcast. So how can you change your child's behavior most effectively?

And for some of you, most quickly, because you're really frustrated. That is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our strong-willed son, who I basically just described in that introduction. His email address is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. Tell us about your kids. What are they struggling with most? Ages of the

kids. We will get together as a family, discuss it, reply back, usually very quickly, and always very personally try to give you some very practical tools. If you ever need help with anything, setting up a live event, helping with products, helping with financial help, just email Casey. We're a family just like yours and we want to help you. So if you really want your family to change, then you must adopt this, a relentless focus on one thing. Shift your mindset from trying to control your child's behavior and instead relentlessly focus on learning how to control your own. Take all of that energy.

You know, all that energy we spend every day trying to control and kind of manipulate and motivate our kids and instead spend that energy and time really learning how to control your own emotions, your triggers, your anxiety, your perfectionism, and your own control issues. Look, you're not alone. We all struggle with this. I was the worst and it nearly ruined my relationship with Casey until I learned how to do this.

The one common denominator that will change not only your family, but also, look, it's going to change your entire life. It's going to change your relationships, but also, look, it's going to change your entire life. It's going to change your relationships, your outlook on things, how you interact just with daily life, right? And I kind of made a note, most notably what you're going to change when you learn how to control yourself, it changes your relationship with yourself. You don't have as much drama. You don't get triggered about things, about everything, politics and neighbors and this and that and all that drama that sometimes we live

in. It is truly, and I hate saying this word, life-changing because everything's life-changing, but it really will change your life and your family. And you will break generational patterns so your kids don't have to grow up with us. So, very quick review. The only person in life that you can truly control is yourself. And the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own. Look, when you get emotional and react, you escalate situations. When you talk too much, it provokes kids to anger. When you stand over kids or ask them, what were you thinking?

It creates a defensive response. When you lecture, you create the exact opposite response that you want. Your kids do the opposite. When you repeat yourself 15 times, it conditions your kids to not listen to you. And then you get resentful. When you react to your kids' reactions, then you are giving them power over you and your emotions. When you push, your kids resist more. Look, you have so much more power over your kids than you realize, and this doesn't come by controlling them, but by controlling yourself, by controlling your reactions, your responses, your emotions, your tone of voice, your body posture.

And you're going to have opportunities to practice this daily. And if you continue to try to change your child's behavior first, you will trigger power struggles daily. And this isn't about blame. I don't do blame, shame. I don't do blame, shame. I don't do guilt. I just want us to be honest with ourselves so we can be free to enjoy our kids and enjoy our lives. So we can stop the destructive words and interactions. So you can be free from anxiety for the rest of your life. What would it feel like if you didn't feel compelled to react and lecture to prove your point to simply

right to simply stop yelling at your child and look I get your frustration we had 1500 strong will kids in our home they didn't want to listen they were expert attorneys cops judges and negotiators they were stove touchers who just had to do it their way. They had all kinds of quirks that didn't make sense, sensory preferences. So even choosing clothes was difficult, right? They couldn't be touched or they had to be constantly touched. They preferred to do things the hard way, especially when there was a time crunch. They didn't want to shower. They don't want to go to sleep.

They don't want to eat when you want. They don't want to do schoolwork or go to new places or get along with siblings. And our own son, Casey, was even more challenging. So it's hard. I get that. And yet none of the ways we try to control our kids actually work in the long run. And it usually backfires and makes things worse. Look, this is the one thing that changed me more than anything else was just getting, just coming to the realization that my job on earth is not to control other human beings. It is literally every day to wake up and say, I'm going to control myself today. And then everything and everyone around me changed back in the day.

And it's still, I live by this. It is so liberating. And it's not like your lectures have ever worked, right? That's why you're still reminding kids of the same things nine years later. That's why I always tell men, it's like, look, if you tried the same strategy at work for 12 years or four years or four months and it didn't work, you would change strategies. And you keep doing the same thing over and over with your kids and hoping that one day it's magically going to change things.

It's not. You need to change, right? Lecturing tends to be filled with parental anxiety, which robs kids of confidence and self-reliance because as long as you're lecturing and trying to control your kids, you're not giving them space to learn how to control themselves. And so you get the exact opposite result that you want. Look, no child's ever said, mom, dad, I didn't realize I was doing that so inefficiently. But after you lectured me for the 12th time and gave me 10 logical reasons why I should do it

your way, the light bulb went off and now I acknowledge your unsurpassed wisdom. It's not happening. Well, what are we supposed to just let them do whatever they want? No. And yes, no, you're still the parent. It's just that there are better ways than reacting and yelling and threatening. And the truth is they are going to do things their way. So why not give them some ownership of their choices within your boundaries? Now, I've gone through ownership a lot on the podcast and our programs. And it says this, look, here's what I want accomplished. I just don't care how you get it done.

See, I relinquish control over that because I have control issues. And I exercise some wisdom, wisdom in understanding human nature. So I'm not always looking for fights because some of you seem to crave fighting with your kids. Okay, so let me give you an absurd example that's all too common. I was mentoring this dad who told me, well, if I'm not correcting my child, then I'm not being a dad. And that kind of awful expectation took some time to unravel. But here's how bad it was. One Saturday morning, his teenage daughter slept in and then came slinking downstairs, turned the TV on, and then laid down on the sofa. And his response, why can't you at least sit up and watch TV? Do you have to lie down? Right? You just got out of bed. And my question is, why? Why do you pick

that battle? Why would you say something like that? It just caused, you caused a needless power struggle over nothing, right? With his daughter who just looked at him like he was crazy, right? And then he picked a fight with his wife who was flabbergasted at his need to constantly correct their child, right? That's bad enough, but don't forget the missed opportunity cost. Not only did this dad further erode his relationship with his daughter and his wife, right, guaranteeing, right, that this daughter knew she could never please him and she would never come to him for advice, even though this guy had 40 years of wisdom, he missed an opportunity to bond with his teenage daughter over a TV show that she likes, right? He could have, instead of controlling

her behavior, he could have controlled his and came into that living room and laid down on the floor, took a pillow and laid next to her, but he's on the floor and said, oh honey, what's this show about, right? What do you love about it so much? Do all your friends watch this? And I know that's hard because your kids like stupid stuff. That's what teenagers like, right? And so you enter into their world and you connect with them, but that starts with controlling yourself. Look, you get on your kids over little tiny things sometimes because it's just your preference but who says your way is always the right way look I've worked with thousands of these kids and I'm one of them if you were my parent and I knew you needed me to do things a certain way because watch that sometimes how it is I need you to do it this way because that keeps some kind of

internal order inside of me to satisfy my own controlled perfectionism. Look, if you were like that, I would purposefully do it a slightly different way, partially just to irritate you and partially just to get you to back off of me. You knew what I was going to say there. But that's the truth of what's happening sometimes. And look, this isn't about blame or guilt. You have so much power. And it's so much more, it's so much easier. Now, not at first, because some of you were control freaks like I was,

and you have a lot of anxiety. So much easier to control yourself than go through life trying to control your spouse and your kids and other people in society. It doesn't work. So I want to liberate you from this. So your reactions merely trigger your kids and escalate situations, right? Your son questions something or your daughter takes too long. You don't like their tone and attitude. So you react with tone and attitude. Game over. It escalates. And if you're like I was, you actually caused the escalation in the first place. That's what I did.

I would walk into the room and I caused the escalation. Then when Casey predictably reacted and overreacted, then I would react to his reaction that I kind of provoked in the first place. Your emotional, impulsive, sensitive kid amps up even more, says something worse, then you blame the kid. Instead of realizing that you just poured fuel on that fire. That's not blame, that's just being honest. And most of you are nodding your heads now. I don't want you to feel shame and guilt. I want you to take this seriously and begin changing that or

it will keep getting worse look parenting has really nothing to do with kids and everything to do with parents has nothing to do with your child's behavior and everything to do with your own behavior and if you will throw yourself wholeheartedly into changing your own reactions instead of changing your child, you will see huge changes in your family. I promise you it is so counterintuitive, right? Because it's seemingly more fun to change other people's behavior than your own. And for my religious friends, I think that's what's behind that old, that kind of proverb, so to speak, or instruction of, hey, before you try to pick the speck out of your neighbor's eye or your brother or sister's or your child's eye or your spouse's eye,

first take care of the log in your own eye, which I think the real meaning is you will be so busy fixing your own junk inside of you, you never have a chance to judge or control anyone else. That's just as a 58-year-old man, that is what I found in life. I have so much junk inside that I don't have time to pick on other people like that, right? It's my issue. So think about this. You know, I actually want to repeat that again, because this was the pivotal part that changed our entire family, that changed my relationship with Casey. It was when I finally took all that energy, all that time, all that brain power, right? Kvetching over all these different situations. My wife and I would talk about, what are we going to do with this

kid? How do we handle that? What are we going to do? Hours and hours a day. And I said, you know what? I'm going wholeheartedly into this. I'm going to start doing things differently. Instead of walking into a room and getting on him, I'm going to walk into a room and sit down. I'm going to compliment him on something first. Instead of yelling and screaming, I'm going to start asking him questions and being curious and actually listening. Instead of reacting to him, I'm going to lead him to calm. And I started doing all these things and it was addictive because I was like, whoa, I just changed my child's behavior, his reaction, just by controlling myself.

See, that is really cool. That is liberating. But think about this. The more you care about something, the less your kids do. The more you lecture and talk to them, the more they resist. When you rush your kids to say, get in the car, get in the car, got to go, got to go, they tend to go more slowly. When you get on them about homework, they never say, thanks so much for motivating me. Why? Because they know they can never please you and that your anxiety is an all-consuming beast that can never be satisfied ever. They know that you are very particular and want things done your way and they don't want to do it your way. They want to own it themselves and even fail at times

and that's really important. We want that with our kids. So what happens? They shut down, they resist, or they become defiant. And I don't blame them. I don't like to be treated that way. I don't like to be micromanaged and lectured by anyone, right? How would you like someone coming into the room and saying, you know, if you just applied

yourself, you'd be a better mother or father. I don't know why you have to make everything so difficult, but we say that to our kids with our attitudes and words sometimes daily. Look, I want you to do less as a mom and dad. You actually don't think you're doing enough, but the truth is you're probably doing too much. And instead of focusing on try to change your kids, which doesn't work and provokes power struggles, why not start changing yourself like this month from this day, right? For the next 30 days, let's start working on your triggers. See, that would be cool. I want you to start, just go through. I'd ask you to do two things. If you already have our programs, listen first to Stop the Power of Struggles with Your Strong Willed Child.

That is foundational to understanding these kids and how they think because it might be completely opposite of you or just like you and that triggers you. And then go through the 30 Days to Calm program. It will change your entire life. Look, and you get these on the website. The prices now, I hate talking about this stuff like this, but it's so inexpensive compared to going to hours and hours and hours of therapy. Some of you have spent thousands of dollars,

and then you come and you email and you're like, I don't have any money left because we spend on therapy that didn't work. Can you give us certain stuff? And I was like, I'm just basically asking for one. I want you to invest what you would spend on one hour of therapy and instead get like 30 hours of our materials. It's an awesome deal. I'm telling you, honestly, I struggle with it. I want to raise the prices back to what they were a long time ago, which was like $495 for our programs. Why? Because they're worth every penny.

You'd literally change your family. And now, you know what I mean. Anyway, so, but I don't need your money. I'm older now. I'm doing okay. You know what I need and want? I want your investment. So you take it seriously.

So you draw a line in the sand and say, you know what? We've been doing this wrong for all these years. We're going to start doing it right. We're going to actually systematically go through this. That's what I want because that'll change your family. So, right, all those things inside of you, it's just like there's perfectionism and control issues, your anxiety, right, that causes you to project into the future about your child because you've got a middle school age child and you're thinking, who causes you to project into the future about your child because you've got a middle school age child and you're thinking, who's going to marry this child? Who's going to hire this child, right, one day? And so you begin to endlessly lecture and get on that child and he

shuts down or you have a toddler or preschooler who can't sit still in circle time and now you're worried about their future over something arbitrary. I want you to be able to be at peace and relax so you don't have to have the last word, so you don't have to lecture just one more time, hoping it'll somehow get through your kids' brains, right? But in the end, it makes them feel like failures and it causes them to shut you out, right? And then you feel hurt and rejected. So let's work on that and all these other issues that provoke power struggles with your kids. Let's stop the yelling, the lecturing, the power struggles once and for all. I guarantee your kids will be more motivated when you change your attitude and approach to them. The good news is that the only person you can control in your life in the next

30 days and next 30 years is yourself. So let's do that. And your kids and grandkids will thank you because you know what you've done? You broke the pattern that you may have gotten from your own parents that goes back for generations. I want to break those generational patterns so your kids are free to grow up without having to be so particular, without having to come into the home at the end of the day and see Legos on the floor and start freaking out and yelling. Where your kids just, they make their sandwich in a way that you don't like. They do all these things that you just don't like,

and a lot of it's just a preference. And when you can relax and enjoy these kids, you get to see them come alive. I'll end with this email that I just got this morning from mom who said, I just never solved my child the right way. But now that I'm learning to control myself and we're doing this differently, I have my child back. That child that I knew was underneath there, right? Because you guys, kids, I describe them all the time in these negative terms, right? Just to connect with you because that's their outward behavior, but they

have big hearts. They do toward other people and they're very bright kids. I want that to come out. I want you to enjoy them. So if we can help you, let us know. Reach out to Casey at CelebrateColumn.com. Hey, love you all. Thank you for sharing the podcast. Thank you for subscribing to the podcast. And thanks for listening to the ads. Those of you who are doing that now, we appreciate it. Love you all. Bye bye.