Calm Parenting Podcast - This F Word Improves Grades and Homework

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

This F Word Improves Grades and HomeworkDo you have a child who resists, melts down, or shuts down when doing homework or school work? Kirk gives you 10 Do's and Don'ts (and how to leverage this important F word) to improve grades and homework without the power struggles. Use these at home and in the classroom.  GET THE CONFIDENCE YOU NEED TO LEAD YOUR KIDS. Email [e-mail]. Tell us your family situation and we’ll put together a custom package to meet your specific needs within your budget or take advantage of our BIG special this week!  IT'S KIRK'S BIRTHDAY. Because he's a little odd (and old!), Kirk prefers to give YOU a gift. Life-changing insights and products for the lowest price ever. This week only.Click here to learn more about Kirk's Birthday Sale.   Email [e-mail] for the most helpful service on the planet or to customize your bundle!  NOW SCHEDULING LIVE EVENTS & ZOOM CONFERENCES. We can provide high-energy, customized presentations for your PTA, Adoption/Foster Care Conference, church parenting conference, and Teacher Professional Development training both via Zoom and in person!  BONUS: When you schedule a TEACHER TRAINING, we will provide a Parenting Event for FREE. Take one action step today:  Email [e-mail] with the name of your school, city, and state. We will show you how easy it is to train your parents and teachers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Do you have a child who struggles with focus and attention, for whom schoolwork is just really hard to do? There are fights and power struggles over homework, and they resist, they melt down, they shut down. Okay, that makes you a normal parent, and it makes your child pretty normal too. So that's what we're going to talk about today on today's bonus episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help, reach out to our child who hated schoolwork and homework until we finally figured out how his brain worked best. And then voila, things got a lot better. So his name is Casey. You can find him at Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. He'll help you out.

Email him. Tell us about your family. We love helping parents. We'll give you some ideas and strategies. If you're interested in any of our products, we'll give you recommendations. We'll work it within your budget. We've got a special birthday sale going on because it was just my 55th birthday, and we love doing that.

So you've got this child. So let's take a look inside your child's brain. I often do this when I do professional development teacher training. Sometimes at parent workshops, I'll do some of this. But I like to make an analogy like your child's brain is a little city and there are a few things going on in this city. So if you have the ADHD university program, you'll hear this in there and we provide this little chart with three columns. And so the first column is about this. It's about kids with very, very busy brains.

And so the analogy is, imagine in your city where you live, it's Friday afternoon at 5 o'clock. It's rush hour. And the lights, the traffic lights are blinking kind of like yellow. They're not working. Well, what happens? Well, you got a lot of chaos and disorder and you get people flipping each other off It doesn't work. Well, well many of your kids have brains like this because the neurotransmitters don't communicate all that Well, so it's kind of like they've got these busy

disorderly brains And so that's why they need so much order and structure. And so what you'll see is they're disorganized and forgetful, right? So executive function is difficult. You can tell them, go to your room and put your shoes on, come downstairs. And 45 minutes later, they come down with a really cool Lego project they built, but their shoe's not on and it's frustrating, right? Anxiety comes from here, right? So unknowns of anxiety cause a lot of problems with your kids and a lot of meltdowns. I guarantee most of the meltdowns in your home are not about a child just being difficult or defiant. I guarantee you the root of it is often anxiety. It's why they have trouble with short-term memory, right?

Sometimes they'll ask all the time, what's the plan? What are we doing? What are we doing? They often process things slowly. And I went over that in the last podcast in the last newsletter about how to help with slower processing. When they get overwhelmed, you'll find that they control other people. See, they don't feel like they have control inside. So I'm going to be bossy with other people, with my friends. You will find that they cheat at games. You can't play board games with these kids. They're going to change the rules of the game. They're going to quit. They're going to cheat.

And it's not because they're jerky kids. And it's not because they want everybody to hate them. It's because if I don't feel in control of myself, I will try to control everything else. And the best way to control this game is to cheat because that guarantees the outcome that I win. Because if I don't win, that makes me a loser. And I already feel like a loser and I don't have a lot of confidence. So I'm going to do anything it takes in order to counter that. Does that make sense? See, if you start to understand what's happening inside their brains, you can see that outward behavior isn't the real issue. It's what's going on inside of them because they

need this control. And I don't give kids control of my home, but I do give them ownership. That's why they often eat the same food over and over again, right? Chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. They wear the same clothes because they're eliminating unknowns. They'll enforce justice. That's not fair. And they'll argue relentlessly until you acknowledge that their point is legitimate. It's why they have difficulty organizing thoughts and writing. Getting those thoughts from head to paper is brutally tough for your kids. Now, I'm not going to go over that in this one, but we can show you how to do that. It is in both the No BS program and the ADHD University program. It's really, really important to do that, right?

And so difficulty with transitions. Meltdowns tend to be over little things because little things throw off their sense of order. Now, if something big happens, then they can actually focus. And that's when we move on to column two. So in the city that you're living in, when the traffic lights aren't working, who do they call? Well, they call a police officer to come and regulate the traffic. But in this particular case, no offense meant, it's just a joke. But in this case, the cop has been drinking soda all day and maybe eating some donuts. I know it's stereotype, but whatever,

go with it. And now he's on his afternoon sugar low and he's falling asleep. That's what's often happening inside your child's brain. Their brains actually get reduced blood flow. Oftentimes, they are under stimulated. And that's why your kids have a need for brain stimulation. So what do we see here? What are the manifestations? Oh, we're going to get them fidgeting, doodling, bouncing their legs, tapping the pencils, and we can come up with all kinds of cool things to do instead of that. But it's important to know where that's coming from. They're moving constantly, poor focus and attention. Why do your kids argue like attorneys and push your buttons? Part of it is they love the brain stimulation because they know exactly how to push your buttons and how you're

going to respond. And now they get the intensity of a grown adult arguing with them and giving all of your power to this little four or eight or 12 or 16 year old. It's a brain stimulation issue. It's why they're oppositional, right? They get bored easily. It's why they do things the hard way and it will frustrate you because you're like, why don't you just do it the normal easy way? It would be so much easier. They don't want to do it the easy way. They like doing it the hard way because it's more stimulating. That's why they chew on things, by the way. They'll chew on gum, but they'll chew on their sleeves. They chew on their shirts. They chew on anything they put in

their mouths. Why? Because when you're chewing, think what's happening. Blood flow is rushing to your brain, which is awesome for kids, right? It also is, there's a sensory part of it. When they're chewing, it feels good, right? And it also relieves anxiety. You'll find them at times, they hum, they talk loudly, even as they complain about other people being loud, right? Easily distractible, impulsive. They procrastinate. Look, why do you procrastinate? They procrastinate because if you wait until the last minute and there's a lot of pressure, you get an adrenaline rush,

and the adrenaline rush brings blood flow to the brain and actually helps you concentrate. It's why they often like to work in spurts and they work on momentum, which is really, really important. And you've heard me use this phrase, you do not manage their time, it's important to learn how to manage their energy.

So the other thing happening inside this little city, and I'm not going to do this one today, but we can do it another time, is sensory pressure, right? Your body does not process sensory input correctly. And so they will either seek sensory pressure, they're hypersensitive, or they're hyposensitive and that can really mess with them at times. So you've got to learn how their brains work. So here's what I want to talk about. I want to take one of these. In the second column we talk about the need for brain stimulation and your kids fidgeting. And I often send out this newsletter that says this F word is

actually good or this F word improves concentration and improves grades and schoolwork. Fidgeting is good. For a long time, schools have said no fidgeting in my class. And what the teacher is actually doing is saying, hey, you know that thing that's actually helping you stay awake and is helping your brain actually concentrate, stop doing it, right? We don't want that. We want people to fidget, but we want kids to fidget in appropriate ways. There's so many studies on this. There's studies that show when you're on the phone at the office or not your home office

and you're on the phone and you're doodling that you actually listen better when you're doodling, right? So fidgeting, doodling, tapping pencils, humming, singing, squirming, bouncing your legs, twirling hair, chewing on pen caps, on sweatshirt tassels, right? Rocking on the chair legs, which drives you crazy. All of that movement. Is it annoying? Mm-hmm, sometimes.

Is it wrong? No. Is it necessary? Absolutely. Because fidgeting is a natural, healthy way for our kids to stimulate their under-stimulated brains to improve focus. So as long as it isn't distracting to other kids, whether it's homework time or in a classroom, it's helpful and necessary. So here are some do's and don'ts. Do not punish children for doodling, moving, fidgeting, chewing, and humming while

doing homework. In fact, you should encourage this. Same as in the classroom. Multisensory stimulation improves attention and retention. We've got those little sensory strips I talk about in hundreds of thousands of schools because they cost 12 cents each and they just work because when kids play with a textured object in their hands, which we tape underneath the desk, it helps them focus better, right? You have kids, look, work with their brains and with their hearts. You have kids who you've observed they're always moving their hands, they're touching who you've observed, they're always moving their hands. They're touching things with their hands. They're always fidgeting with their hands. And so what do

we do as adults, both parents and teachers? Stop doing that. Hey, stop doing what comes naturally to you. No, I want to, whenever you say no to something inappropriate, you say yes to something appropriate. So how can I get them to use their hands appropriately in class, right? Allow your child to do homework while sitting on an exercise ball. Maybe they're lying over the ball with homework on the floor. Maybe they're hanging upside down off the sofa. Maybe they're out on a swing, swinging while you review vocabulary words or while they're doing, while they're reading. I used to teach kids to read while they were swinging on a swing. Why? Because the movement and the sensory pressure and having to concentrate on trying to hold on to the

swing while you're doing that stimulated their brain so much it actually made it interesting. You can review vocabulary words and math facts while your child's jumping on a trampoline, kicking a soccer ball, playing catch with a football, right? All of those things. Rocking in a chair on the porch is a lot better than sit down at the kitchen table. I'm going to stand over you and quiz you. I'm going to make learning as unfun and miserable as possible, right? That's what we do, right?

Test having your kids do homework while listening to music. Casey used to play his guitar while studying. When I studied in college, I would do it while I was shooting hoops. I would shoot free throws from the foul line while I was doing it. It helped me process. So try music. Now, most of you are going to be like, well, we'll just do classical music. That's fine if it works good. But most of your kids, many of your kids, they need some intense music to listen to as long as it's within your boundaries of appropriateness, not your style of music because you're old like me and you may not like their music for good reason. But let them listen to music,

intense music. Allow your kids to have a snack while doing homework. Not instead of, hey, have a snack and then let's do some homework. No, let them eat while they're doing it. Perhaps they stand at the kitchen counter chewing a snack, listening to music while they're rocking back and forth. Because that chewing brings blood flow to the brain. It creates rhythm, right? And it reduces stress. And rhythm is really important for the brain. That's why music is so good for learning. You just have to experiment. I know you're going to be like, oh no, but my child has ADHD, so they have to have perfect quiet. No, they don't. You need perfect quiet because maybe that's how your brain works. My brain doesn't need perfect quiet. That drives

me crazy. I do my best work while I am listening to really intense, horrible music. Drape a blanket over the kitchen table and make it a fort. That way the kids get to lay under the table, lie on the floor under the table, do their homework while it's dark under there. Okay, so we give them a flashlight. That's cool. Maybe give them some matches and a candle. See if they don't burn the house down. That's stimulating. They can't do that, but you get my point. So it just makes it fun. I know kids who do homework sitting up in a tree. I know with COVID, a lot of teenagers who will do their schoolwork sitting out in the car, put them out in the SUV, out in the minivan, leave them alone.

And sometimes it's like their little confined office because they like confined spaces and they can listen to music. Just try it, right? The homework up in a tree in the minivan is important because it's stimulating, it's peaceful, and parents aren't looking over their shoulders. Some kids do better work while smelling dinner being fixed because you're stimulating the olfactory senses, right? That's why I used to take kids to a coffee shop or Panera Bread to do their work because the olfactory stimulation can improve

focus. Just experiment with it. Observe your kids and get to know what makes them tick. Then instead of punishing them for misunderstood behavior, you and your child's teachers will be able to work with their gifts, work with their natural inclination to how they work best, right? And so I encourage you, let's do that this week. Let's stay very focused on this. Let's work on this this coming week. Let them do homework, by the way, underneath a table. Let them do schoolwork in the classroom. And I'll just look, I got this because I just went through our ADHD university and our brain boosters programs where we train teachers. And all I kept thinking is if every

home and school in America had this insight and these strategies, our kids would be confident because there are hundreds of strategies in them to improve grades and behavior and impulse control, organization, writing, all of that stuff. I encourage you, if you don't have those programs, look on our website. They're included in the birthday special. Reach out to Casey at CelebrateCalm.com. We'll come and train teachers. If we train the teachers, we'll train the parents on the same day. And we're booking a lot of stuff now, starting to book in the spring because COVID stuff is kind of lifting and it's getting safe again. And we're booking a lot in the fall. So anyway, if you're interested, reach out to us, but try this at home this week.

Experiment. See what works. Sometimes weird stuff works and it's really cool what you find. And it also makes it interesting for the kids. Watch your kids, observe them, enjoy your kids this week. And if we can help you in any way, let us know. Love you all. Bye-bye.