Calm Parenting Podcast - This Makes Anxiety Worse: A New Script for Anxiety

Episode Date: August 6, 2019

This Makes Anxiety Worse: A New Script for Anxiety How do you help your kids with anxiety, get kids to listen after they have misbehaved, and get hubby on board? I give you an actual script to use when kids struggle with anxiety. It’s a very different approach and very practical. Warning and apology: I was pretty wired and blunt in this podcast. I didn’t mean to be offensive—I just want certain things to sting so we all change. Visit https://www.celebratecalm.com/summer-special/ to take advantage of our summer special! Emal [e-mail] for booking inquiries and any questions! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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big deal with your kids. And a lot of it comes from these kids who have very, very busy brains, right? All these ideas going through their heads and it feels like life is out of control to them. And so that's why they're very particular about things. They need things to go just so. If something little is off, it really irritates them. Disappointments, oh, blow up into a huge, huge, massive meltdown at times, right? If they don't get their way. And you'll see this new experiences are really difficult for these kids. And so I want to talk about what makes it worse and what makes it better and to give you an actual script to use. And I encourage you to go to CelebrateCalm.com, our website,

and there you can sign up for our free newsletter. And why I like the newsletter is that it's written form. And so you can hear this, which is awesome, but then if you can read this, which is awesome, but then if you can read the actual script I'm giving you, it's just helpful. It's all free. If you want help with that, email my son Casey,

C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com, and just say, I want your newsletter, and he'll help you sign up. It'll be easy. So a couple things before we get into this. This was based on an email that I got, and it's a very common one of, oh, my son, my daughter is struggling with anxiety. We've been taking him or her to a therapist for a couple years, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. So I kind of go with my gut feel. I've done this for 20 years. I've worked with thousands of kids. And so I went with my gut and how I replied to this mom. And I said, first thing is, sometimes you don't need therapy.

And sometimes therapy can make things worse. Now, before we go on, a couple notes. For those of you who know our story, you know that our son Casey is the very strong-willed child, extremely strong-willed child. But he's awesome. You know why? I'll tell you something that's very personal right here. I just recorded this earlier in the day. I recorded a version of this. And I wasn't quite sure of how it came across. And I said, Casey, you've got to listen to it. And you know, Casey, part of his blunt style is he will tell me what he really thinks. And he's like, I'm not sending that out. You've got to re-record it. Oh, I don't want to re-record it. But I appreciate the fact that he speaks up. My son was so difficult that he

pretty much drove me to change careers mid-course. And that's why I'm doing Celebrate Calm now, because of Casey. And he drove his mother to be a therapist. So it's in our family. We are kind of therapists. And so we believe in it. But a lot of times it makes things worse. And so here's kind of the, so I wanted to give you, I wanted to give you five principles

and then a script to use. So dealing with anxiety. So number one, normalize it. Stop making it sound like it's something awful that needs to be fixed. There are legitimate reasons to feel anxious. And I want you to start normalizing things. So that your kids know there's nothing wrong with you. And it's not like this is some awful thing we have to fix. And

I get it. There is, so you know, I'm 53. I struggle with anxiety. All those things I mentioned before that your kids struggle with, know I know that because I'm the same exact way. And I know that. It's not debilitating. And I do lots of things. I have a lot of tools that we use, and I'll get to that in a minute to deal with my own anxiety. But normalize it. And one of the best words and phrases that we've been using lately is, of course. Of course you're anxious. You should be anxious. It's a great thing to say, right? Normalize it. It's a normal part of their life. And my guess is, no matter how much therapy you take your kids to, they're never really going to get over or you're not going to fix their anxiety. It's a necessary part in many ways of who they are. My anxiety can keep me from doing certain things because I just want to keep in my

safe place. My anxiety can cause me at times to become very rigid. Those are things that I can work on. My anxiety, though, also helps me be very sensitive to things. And again, that can be irritating, but it can also be a great quality. So normalize it. And I'll put this together in a script in a little bit. Number two, stop dismissing it. Oh, honey, there's no need to be anxious about this new activity. Or we'll say there's no reason to be anxious. And here's what your kids hear. Oh, really?

So what you're saying to me, mom, dad, trusted guardian of mine, is that since there is no reason to be anxious about this, and yet I'm still anxious, then there must be something wrong with me. And that is a brutal, brutal thing that I guarantee many of your kids are internalizing right now, because we don't understand them. And it's probably, I don't know, one of my top three things I encourage you to do is to understand your kids, their brains, their hearts, and stop imposing from the outside the way you want them to be, the way you want them to see the world, and instead understand them. So here's what happens. I start to think, oh, my parents and my teachers say there's no need to be anxious,

and yet I feel anxious. What's wrong with me? So you know what's going to happen? I'm either going to escalate right now because this is freaking me out or I will just bury and hide what I'm feeling because you, parent and teacher, are not mature or wise enough to help me with what I'm struggling with. And so I'm just going to keep it from you because it's too painful. Every time I bring something up, you just write it off or say you shouldn't be doing that. Why are you doing that? You don't want that. By the way, quick little aside. Just got an email from a mom that said, you know, I try to sit down and talk to my daughter, but every time I sit down to talk to her about what she did wrong, she doesn't want to hear it. Now look, I try not to be too sarcastic with this stuff, but I want it to sting a little bit.

I want you to hear it in a different way. What do you think they're going to say? Of course, Mom, why don't we make an appointment every night at 5 o'clock, and we'll just go through all the things I've done wrong. I love hearing that. And that's what it begins to feel like, And I know it doesn't feel good for you. And you're caught in this trap of like, well, we can't just let them get away with things. No, you don't let kids get away with things.

But that's a lot different than saying, honey, we need to sit down now. Let's have a long protracted discussion about what you did wrong. And I'll relive all the times that I told you not to do it. And then I'll shame you. That's what it sounds like. You wouldn't want me coming to your house and saying, Elizabeth, listen, we need to talk about what you just did wrong with your meal, because you used some processed ingredients. We need to talk about what you just did wrong in dealing with your child, right? You wouldn't

like that, right? I want you to deal with this stuff, but I want you to deal with it in a different way that's actually constructive and helpful and that leads to more trust. See, I want your kids to trust you. And when we do things like this, oh, there's no reason to be upset. Let's talk about what you just did wrong. It sends our kids away from us, and I don't want that, right? I know your intentions are very good, okay, but you've got to do it in a different way. So stop dismissing. Stop trying to fix it like something, or, and this is the important part, where someone is broken. I can guarantee you that your strong-willed child, your child with ADD, all those kids, I can guarantee you that every single day, especially during the school year,

teachers and parents send all these little signals that something is wrong with your child, that they're different, that they need to change, that we're not happy with them the way they are. And that will ultimately kill their spirit and their confidence. So now we transition, stop, stop, stop doing that, to what can we do? Well, we normalize it. And four, give your child tools to deal with his anxiety. So personally, I use exercise, huge for my anxiety. I do a number of things that help me slow down life. I have a little quiet time. I go for a morning walk and talk to God. Some of you

may do yoga, meditation. I do stretching at the gym. I slow my life down, and it helps. All those things kind of help. I have some routines that I keep to. I do certain things. I intentionally push myself out of my comfort zone so that I can learn how and practice dealing with anxiety. So I do those. But for your kids, here's one of my favorite things. Anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control. And that's why new experiences freak people like me and your kids out.

So whenever your child is going to a new activity, make sure the adult in charge gives your child a specific job to do. Because if they say, oh, man, Aaron, psyched you're going to be in my class. Listen, next week when you come to my class, I want you here five minutes early. When you get here, you're going to help me do X and Y. You mind doing that? And most of your kids, for other people, they're great for other people. And next week when you say, hey, time to go to soccer practice,

taekwondo practice, whatever it is, musical instrument practice, what triggers in their brain is, oh, we need to be there a little bit early because my teacher said he could really use my help. And it makes them feel helpful, and they're focusing on something else other than their own anxiety, right? By the way, here's another little freebie we'll throw in there.

I want, and you'll hear this all throughout our curriculum, replace the endless threats and consequences for failure. Think about that for a second. What happens? Child messes up, does something wrong. What do we do? If you don't stop doing that, we're going to take away X. See, we give consequences for failing, and then we wonder why consequences don't work. And by the way, they're not going to work for your kids. So instead of waiting for the child to fail and giving a consequence that doesn't work and teach or doesn't even teach them anything what if we proactively gave our kids tools to help them succeed does that make sense

see that's what's on all those cds that you get tired of hearing about that's what you that's what i teach you is giving kids tools and all the different tools so that they learn how to deal with their anxiety, how to deal with frustration over school, right? So number five, impart confidence and give your child space. So here's what happens. Child gets upset and reacts. What happens? We react. Then your spouse reacts. And it's this vicious cycle, and it leaves your child feeling like he's kind of up a creek because now nobody knows what to do. All I know is something's telling me it's kind of scary to do this activity, or it's really difficult, and I want to shut down, and so I express that. Not always in the best way, but I express it, and then all of a sudden, guess what? Mom's yelling, and then Dad's yelling, and everybody's upset at me,

and then they know we've got no possibility of working this out, right? And so then your child actually ends up managing your anxiety because you can't. So I want you to impart confidence, and I want you to step away, because here's what we do. There's a problem. There's an issue. It's got some anxiety going on. We stand over.

We hover over that child and talk and talk and try to fix it, and it magnifies the anxiety. Instead, I want you to step away a little bit. So here are some sample scripts you can use. Oh, Jacob, of course you're anxious. By the way, I want you to start using that phrase. You'll hear it on the No BS program. It's one of my favorite new things that we're doing. Of course, I'll give you another one. Of course this writing assignment is difficult. Do you know how nice that is to hear? Rather than, I don't know why, you know, you're such a good thinker. If you would just focus, you could be

done with this writing assignment in 10 minutes. Oh, what if instead you said, of course a writing assignment is difficult. Because you've got this busy brain. You're filled with all kinds of great ideas, but getting them organized in your head and putting them on the paper, it's difficult. Of course you're going to struggle. That feels really good. That's perfectly normal. But I do know that you're smart enough and courageous enough

to get through this and even enjoy it. Another good one is, I believe you're capable. I know this is hard. Of course you're anxious. Of course you want to give up. If I were you, I'd be a little bit nervous as well, and that's perfectly normal. But I know you're completely capable of handling this on your own. And then I may walk away. I may add, not at all, I don't like a lot of talking with kids. It makes them upset. You know, I bet one of the younger kids at your class could help with that. Listen, I've got to go grab a scarf. I'll meet you in the car in five minutes. See, then I get to go and give them a little bit of space, a little bit of room to wrestle with it rather than me standing over them.

Does that make sense? Because then you're not adding your own anxiety of trying to fix the situation. Because we immediately try the soft, honey, you know, there's no need to be upset. There's no need to be anxious about this. You know, and then we go rational. You know, you've been there before.

Your brother's done this class and I think you'd really like it. And then we're feeding the anxiety because what they hear is, you're just trying to convince me to do something I don't want to do. And then when we keep getting resistance, then we turn on a dime. You know what? I paid $125 for this class. I'm tired of this. If your little butt is not in the car in five minutes, you know what? Play date, video games, they're gone. See how that works? And then all of a sudden the child is like, there's this whole thing of like, what just happened?

All I know is I'm a little kid or I'm a teenager, which is still kind of a little kid inside, right? And all of a sudden I'm a teenager, which is still kind of a little kid inside, right? And all of a sudden, I'm expressing something. I don't know how to deal with it, and it comes out kind of ugly at times. But then all of a sudden, I get these overbearing adults in my life who start to try to manipulate me. They dismiss it. They tell me that there's something wrong with me. And then they try to be all sweet and reason with me, thinking it's rational.

And what they're thinking is, duh, if it was rational, I would have done it by now. It's not rational. Most things your kids are dealing with are not rational. It's emotional, right? And deeper than that. And then all of a sudden, when I don't react the right way to their sweet approach,

they turn on a dime and start threatening with me with things. Well, guess what you're going to get right now? I have nothing to lose. So I'm just going to let it all out on the table. And that's when you get, I hate you. You're stupid. And some of you are going to get swear words thrown right back at you. And I understand that. And I am not making an excuse for the child, but I totally understand why they would do it. I guarantee if we went through a 24-hour day and I treated you like we, I'll put myself in that, I did this for a long time, treated you like you treat your kids, you'd hate me. And you'd start swearing at me and just say, get out of my house.

So try that. Use these scripts, right? So look, I'll throw in a couple other ones too, but I want you to really master this stuff. Look, when I'm picturing, I know people get upset. I've been getting emails from moms like, oh, my hubby comment likes your podcast, but he doesn't like it when you talk, when you sell things. I'm like, I'm trying to help you out here, because here's how I see this. When I'm doing this stuff, I'm picturing this. I'm picturing this scene that's going to happen in your home tonight or tomorrow sometime

of a child struggling with anxiety, and then spirals out of control. Or school's coming up, and I'm picturing some of you three or four nights in a row. It's going to be fights over homework. Your child's going to throw his books down or crumple up paper because he can't get his writing assignment done. And here's what I know.

If you have the script and you know what to do differently, that can radically change. Some of these things can literally change overnight for you. Some of you, when I get the emails every day, my husband doesn't like my daughter and it's not going anywhere good. Or a husband's frustrated with a child because he won't listen. He's going to start spanking and one person even says he's going to start beating the child. I'm like, that's not going to end well. And what I picture is what happened to me, which

is I'm the one who needed to change. And I almost ruined my relationship with Casey. Casey is one of, he's 26 now, so I can say it's more like this, but he's one of my best friends in the world. Like I love hanging out with Casey. It's one of the most meaningful relationships in my entire life. And I almost blew it. And I know the dads out there like, well, he's needed to get with the program until that child changes. I'm not going to give in. Like, here's what's going to happen. the program until that child changes. I'm not going to give in. Like, here's what's going to happen. You're going to lose your child, and eventually you're going to lose your wife,

and you're going to be alone, and I promise you, you will regret that. So when I mention our products, what's in my head is I'm picturing a dad or a mom losing a relationship with their child. There's nothing more important than that. Look, you can get fired from your job. You can get another job. You can't live without, you can't go through life and know I'm estranged from my child because from the time they were little,

they were difficult, but I didn't understand them, and so I dug in or was on them all the time, and now this child turned into all these bad things in his teenage years. What I picture is if you learn how to do this stuff, you can literally change that relationship. And so that's why I mention it. So here's what we did this week. I told Casey before I recorded this, I was like, here's what we're doing. We've got a no new BS program. You go to celebratecalm.com. See the little tab, No BS.

I prefer this for people who have listened to our CDs before because you get all the background, you get all these strategies, but I don't care. It's fantastic. The No BS program is 25 action steps. And I promise, I promise, I promise, if you do this, it's hard work, but if you do it, you will change that relationship. And look, behavior changes because of relationship, not because of consequences.

It doesn't change. Behavior doesn't change because we put in the right system in the home. And once we put in the right system, it's a dynamic human relationship. And I guarantee you, when your child feels understood by you, and when you're humble, and when you change yourself, that child will change quickly, not because you're manipulating through consequences, through whatever. And I'm not downplaying consequences. You have to have it. But that's not going to change your relationship. And that's not going to change the behavior that quickly either. But you get a father and son, a mother and son, mother and daughter, father and daughter, whatever it is, husband and wife, start changing and doing this stuff.

All of a sudden, when my heart is softened a little bit and I sense that my parents get me now and they understand me and they're coming alongside of me instead of facing off against me, well, guess what? A lot of that fight and anger goes away. And guess what comes? Compliance. We have a phrase that says you get compliance after connection. Connection before compliance. If you think you're just going to walk in and be like, well, I'm just going to start laying down the law. And some of you do need to lay down the law because you've been too wimpy with stuff. And you let your kids dictate everything in your home. And that's your issue too. Look, if you have an entitled child, it's not their issue. You allow them to do it, right? But just

coming in like, you know what? We messed up for the past 10 years. Today, things change. We're going to lay down the law. Well, if you lay down the law, but you don't have a relationship, you'll still get the rebellion, right? So look up the No BS program. We just discounted it. We put it half price. It's 150 bucks. And I know people are like, oh, it's a lot of money. It is, but it's not.

It's a trip to a therapist's office, but you're gonna get so much more. And I promise if I went in your home, I could find at least 50 things you spent $150 on that weren't worth it, right? We've got all of our CDs, which is 26 hours worth of practical strategies and insights like this. We did that half price also. It's on the website. Just look for it. If you want both, all the CDs and an OBS program, we'll give it to a special price. Email Casey, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com.

Call us at 888-506-1871, and they'll help you out with that. I'll sign you up for the newsletter. Anyway, I want you to try this. Try this script. Try this idea of normalizing things. If that's all you do this coming week, just start working on that. It will change things quickly. It's really cool. Anyway, thank you for joining us. If you need any help, just let us know.