Calm Parenting Podcast - Toddlers to Teens: Tantrums, Defiance & Meltdowns

Episode Date: June 19, 2018

Toddlers to Teens: Tantrums, Defiance & Meltdowns Think the strategies to help toddlers and teens are different? Then I challenge you to listen to this podcast to learn how you can stop tantrums, melt...downs, and defiance using the same exact strategies whether your child is 4 or 14! Your tone, attitude, confidence, and body posture are key. Listen and then take the SUMMER DOUBLE DARE at http://www.celebratecalm.com/summer-special/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey moms and dads, you know that our goal is to raise curious kids who love to learn, and iXL makes that so much easier. iXL is an online learning program that enriches your homeschool curriculum from K-12. iXL encourages students to be curious and empowers them to choose how to learn. No matter your child's learning style or knowledge level, IXL has video tutorials and learning games to guide your child in the way your kids learn best while meeting them at their level. On IXL, kids can explore any topic in any grade level. They're not forced into a single learning path. Kids love IXL's positive feedback and parents love knowing specific skills that need work.
Starting point is 00:00:48 Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now. Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash k Kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. So you know we are very purposeful about how we manage our emotions and take care of our bodies because we only have one body and one skin. That's why we love OneSkin. Their products make it easy to keep your skin healthy while looking and feeling your best. We use the face topical supplement and love that there's no complicated routine,
Starting point is 00:01:32 no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. Hey everyone, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm, and you can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. We have a Facebook page, Celebrate Calm, just look it up. Today I wanted to address toddlers and teens. And by the way, if you have an elementary school or middle school
Starting point is 00:02:38 age child, don't tune out because it's all relevant. But the reason I'm doing this is because some, I hear from a lot of parents who are like, they'll see us speak in a high school and think, oh, you only do stuff for older kids. Your stuff won't help with a toddler because toddlers can't understand complex language. And then they'll see us speaking at a preschool, training preschool teachers and say, oh, your stuff's for little kids. It won't apply to older kids. But the truth is, everything that we teach applies to both, right? The tone of voice, the body posture, the confidence that you convey will make a difference whether your child is 4 or 14. Now, we do have different specialized products, right? We have a CD program for kids ages two to seven, because obviously there are certain issues like potty
Starting point is 00:03:26 training that you're dealing with with toddlers that you're hopefully not dealing with with teenagers. And with teenagers, we have a program for motivating unmotivated kids, right? So that's a little bit skews a little bit older. And then we have other products like the Defiance and Disrespect or Discipline That Works, Strong Willed child, ADHD, university that apply for kids of all ages, right? But the truth is this, even though toddlers can't understand complex language, they're actually super sensitive to your tone and your body posture. They can tell in the morning what kind of mood you are in before you even know. Because they pick up on subtle changes in your tone of voice.
Starting point is 00:04:10 They can tell in your body posture. They can tell when you're getting short with them. Put your shoes on. Look, get that out of your mouth. Stop it right now. Put that down. They can pick up on that and it will create resistance from a four-year-old just like talking too much to a teenager or talking, standing with
Starting point is 00:04:36 your hands on your hips, faced off against your teenage daughter, or like I used to do, shaking my head silently so my son saw that I was disapproving of his behavior, which he took as very demeaning and set him off. Or we use that same kind of tone with our teenagers, where we often get actually snotty tones with them at times. And the truth is, sometimes it's better not to talk too much, whether it's a toddler or a teenager. Look, it's more about your attitude. It's more about your confidence. And your kids can pick up on that.
Starting point is 00:05:13 So look, I'm going to go through a couple examples here that I think you'll find interesting. Let's say kids throwing a tantrum because they're not getting what they want. Now, it looks different because the toddler may throw himself on the floor and wail all over the place. And your teenager may just be a relentless arguer because you're not letting him go where he wants to go. But they're still throwing a tantrum. They're still whining. And so the strategy and the response to that is still basically the same. When the toddler starts throwing his tantrum, I'm going to sit down and cross my legs. And I'm looking at him, and I may talk to him, even though he doesn't really understand. But here's what I'm communicating.
Starting point is 00:05:57 You know what? You can throw your tantrum. It's just not going to work with me. Like, that's never going to work. Your behavior does not determine or change my behavior. Your mood does not determine or change my mood. Right mood does not determine or change my mood, right? Like have your tantrum if you want. I just want to let you know it's never going to work, right?
Starting point is 00:06:11 And I send that message not through my words so much, but just through my attitude and my tone. And it's the same way when my son, when Casey was a teenager, and he'd come to me, or rather come at me with that tone, and you know what that tone is. If you respond in kind, you know what, young man, you're not going to talk to me like that. They're just going to say, um, just did, because that's what my son said to me once. So, but, look, my response to my son then is the same thing, but it's a little bit more complex language, But I'm still not going to react and say, hey, Case, listen, I'm curious because every time I hear that tone in your voice, it tells me you're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry.
Starting point is 00:07:00 Listen, do me a favor, grab some chips. I'm going to grab some salsa. I'll meet you out on the deck and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. But see, my tone of voice is the same whether he's four or 14. My attitude is still the same. What you're saying to me, you're whining, you're badgering me, you're arguing with me, it's just never going to work. I'm not going to get in the courtroom with you. I'm not going to argue with you. I'm not going to try to explain myself. I'm not going to try to convince you that I'm right. Because we do this, look, we do the same thing with a four-year-old. We try to convince them that those fruit snacks aren't good for them. And we do the same thing
Starting point is 00:07:34 with teenagers with different situations, as if the four-year-old or the 14-year-old is going to say, oh, mom, listen, now that you've explained it fully and lectured me for the last 13 minutes and gave me 10 different reasons why you're right, all of a sudden the light bulb went off and I'll listen to you. They're not looking for that. And so can you see, even with a tantrum, no matter what the age, I'm still going to handle it basically the same way. Here's a good one, music. I use music a lot with kids. With toddlers, I use music because it gets them moving, right? It's often easier to say, hey, bet you can't get dressed while you're listening to this music before your favorite Bob the Builder song is over, right?
Starting point is 00:08:17 Listen, I'm going to put on music before this song is over. I bet we can't get all of your toys picked up and put in the basket. With a teenager, I'm using music in a couple ways. One during homework time, because many of your kids have very, very busy brains, and the rhythm of the music actually creates order in the brain, stimulates the brain, and actually helps them concentrate. So I often use music to, again, I'm getting things accomplished. With a toddler, it's picking up his toys and getting dressed. With a teenager, it's getting his homework done. And by the way, there's a lot of good research that shows parents who bond with their teenagers and kids over music. It's just a fantastic way.
Starting point is 00:09:01 Case and I did this very much, and I didn't always like his music at first, but I was curious about it, and I understood what he loved about it and liked about it. And we go to concerts together, and it's very much a bonding thing to do. Let's say emotional situations, right, like meltdowns. A 4-year-old is going to roll on the floor. The 14-year-old is going to roll his or her eyes. And again, your response is still the same. It's controlling your body posture and tone.
Starting point is 00:09:28 Because whether it's a toddler rolling around on the floor or your teenager melting down and getting a little bit sassy, instead of just like, you need to calm down now. Because we say the same thing. It's just we don't send a teenager to time out. We send them to their bedroom or we take away their stuff. The toddler, we sit and time out. Look, the same thing is I'm going to lead them to a calm place, right? So with toddlers, my leading is going to be more overt and more physical. I'm going to lead them to a calm place when they're getting upset
Starting point is 00:10:05 and do another activity and draw them in. With teenagers, I'll use words a little bit more, but I'm still not talking a lot because when teenagers, and look, a lot of this even applies to your kids in elementary school, so don't dismiss that. They still, you can't talk to them too much because it just tends to get them more upset, right? So they're still looking for stability, and I'm still sending the same message, right? So when my toddler is rolling around on the floor, and I go and I pick up a crayon or something to draw with, and I start to draw, and I say, hey, Rebecca, listen, when you're ready, I could really use some help coloring this door of the Explorer. I'm drawing her in, and I'm leading her to calm by coloring. But I guarantee you, if you've got a teenager, especially a teenage girl, but teenage boys as well, in the middle
Starting point is 00:11:01 of one of those heated arguments, I mean, picture this with a mom and her daughter in the middle of a heated argument. Imagine mom, instead of continuing to engage, improving her point, wanting to get the last word in because you don't want your teenage daughter to get the last word in. Instead of you rolling your eyes at each other, I guarantee if mom were to sit down and just start drawing and coloring and just said, Hey honey, listen, I'm not in the mood to argue. This isn't going to go anywhere good, but if you want to color with me, I'll be glad to talk to you like this as adults. You're still using coloring, but you're doing it in a slightly different way. But it's still basically the same process. And the message you're sending is,
Starting point is 00:11:40 your world is out of control right now, four-year-old or teenager. My world isn't out of control. I have wisdom to help you and I can lead you to a calm place, right? Now do another one. I'm curious. Some of you know that's one of my favorite phrases is, hey, I'm curious because I hear that tone in your voice and what that tells me is something probably happened at school. I want to figure out what that is. See, with a teenager, I can talk a little bit more. And I can say, listen, I'm going to go leash up the dog and go for a walk. If you want to come walk with me, I'd love to hear what's going on. Now, with a toddler, asking your toddler, say like, hey, I'm curious why you're throwing
Starting point is 00:12:18 this huge meltdown on the way to preschool. He's not going to have the words. But the I'm curious tone gets your mindset into this of thinking like, okay, so going to preschool, he or she is getting really, really upset. Or my child's biting in preschool. What's going on? And the I'm curious tone leads me to problem solving instead of just trying to take things away or punish them. And with a toddler, in this situation, I guarantee what it'll lead to is that they have anxiety. They're just anxious about going to school. And so the tools for anxiety, whether it's a teenager or a toddler, are basically the same. I always get another adult to give the child a job to do because that toddler
Starting point is 00:13:04 who's going to preschool, when the preschool teacher meets your daughter and says, oh, Rebecca, I'm so excited. Listen, I need your help. Could you come over here? And the teacher leads her and hands her something to do. Could you carry this stack of books to the other side of the room?
Starting point is 00:13:20 That would really help me out. Does your daughter understand all the words? No, but she knows that that teacher wants her help and wants her to carry the books. And with a 14-year-old or 16- or 17-year-old who's anxious about going to school, it's going to be the same thing, not carrying books, but it can be a teacher, science teacher saying, oh man, listen, Jacob, I need your help because you're really good with electronics. You're really good at figuring out stuff. I've got this project I'm working on. Listen, if you could come to school every day a few minutes early and come to my classroom, I could use some help with
Starting point is 00:13:53 the AV equipment. I could help setting up the computers. I could help with this project. See, it still leads you to the same place, right? Does that make sense? So I want to give you, no matter how old your kids are, whether they're 2, 5, 7, 9, 11, 12, 15, 17, 20, I want you to start doing these things over the summer. And I'll give you what we're calling kind of like our summer double dare. And it's ask your kids two questions. And again, your toddlers aren't going to know the answers to these questions, but if you're curious, you can figure it out yourself. So the two questions are these. I want your kids to listen to these CDs over the summer while you have time. Things are slowed down over the summer. Put them, download, I don't care, download them to your
Starting point is 00:14:35 kids' iPhones so they can listen on their own. Put on your iPhone. And by the way, if you get our downloads, one, we give you a $50 discount on the special we have to get the downloads because then we don't have to ship them out. Plus you save on shipping costs, but it's so you can give them to your parents because maybe you have parents who are really old school and they're like, yeah, you just need to discipline that child. You're like, seriously, I never thought about actually being firm and following through. But the truth is you've done that a million times. It just doesn't work with these kids, right? So it's a way of educating your parents to let them know, hey, we're just going to deal with these kids in a slightly different way. And you can
Starting point is 00:15:15 share them with people. But as you do, I want you to ask your kids these two questions. One, what do you want us to change as parents? What could we begin doing differently? I dare you to ask that question. And then listen to your kids because they will give you great feedback. And you may not want to hear it, and they may not always say it in a respectful tone, but hear them and then change. And then here's another question, especially for your strong-willed child. Ask them this.
Starting point is 00:15:50 What have we been misunderstanding about you? What don't we understand about you? What are we missing, right? Because I'm afraid that we misunderstand your motives sometimes, do we? I dare you to ask that question, and you're going to open up a line of communication that is just phenomenal. So if you need help with anything, email us. You can email my son because he'll answer you much quicker than I will, although I'm pretty good, but he handles most of this. His name's Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, Casey at Celebrate Calm, C-A-L-M dot com. He was our strong-willed toddler, our strong-willed elementary school child, our strong-willed middle schooler, and our strong-willed teen who is a fantastic 25-year-old. And he gets your kids because he was one of them. And he will help you out. You can call us at 888-506-1871. The summer
Starting point is 00:16:38 special is on our website. I think it's just labeled there, summer special. And if you need help financially with payments or anything else, just call or, Summer Special. And if you need help financially with payments or anything else, just call or email my son. He's fantastic to work with and he will help you out. But I hope, I know for some of you, you actually have, for some reason, both a toddler and a teenager. No, it's an awesome thing. But you have both of those in your home. And so it's really cool because you can get to see through these examples and other ones. Look, so much of it is just controlling myself and my tone of voice and my body posture. And when I do that, I lead people to calm. And look, I'll say this just to close. I do this every day in my normal life when I'm dealing with irate 50-year-olds or people out
Starting point is 00:17:22 in public or someone else who's 40 and 50 and 70, I still change their behavior, not by changing them, but by changing my own. It's a really cool thing. So anyway, thank you all for listening. If you need anything, just let us know and enjoy your summertime. Bye-bye.

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