Calm Parenting Podcast - Tough Teens & Tweens 101: Motivation, Screens, School Refusal, Defiance and More

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Starting point is 00:02:54 the inside out, to find out what they care about so that you can motivate them from the inside out. So that's what we're going to discuss on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. You can find us at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need help with anything, reach out to our formerly unmotivated, at times defiant, apathetic teenager who is now a really helpful young man, and he'll help you out. So let me go through five or six different things that you may be experiencing with your teen or tween and give you a few tools to help out with that. And I'm also going to point you to some other resources we have. By the time your kids

Starting point is 00:03:37 get to this age, we can't fix everything with a podcast, but we have programs that can take you through this step-by-step in a very, very practical way. And so number one thing for teens and tweens, we have to rebuild their confidence. Look, my assumption is if you're listening to this podcast, you have a strong-willed child, maybe a child who is on the spectrum, maybe a neurodivergent child. This is a child who has never felt like he or she fit in. They've always felt different. At times, if they have a more compliant sibling, then they felt like the black sheep of the family, like I'm always the one who's in trouble. Sometimes these are the kids who we take a lot of our frustration out on. They're the kids who maybe struggle with getting along with kids their own age, great with adults and older people and little kids and animals, but struggle with peers.

Starting point is 00:04:28 Well, you begin to internalize, well, maybe I'm a little bit odd. There's something wrong with me. Many of these kids are on the spectrum. Maybe have ADHD. So they've struggled in school. And so even though they're very bright kids, they've internalized, well, I'm dumb. I'm not as smart as other kids. I'm less than.

Starting point is 00:04:46 And so we have to rebuild that confidence from the inside out. Number two, my assumption is you have a strained relationship with this child or your spouse does with this child. And look, nothing good happens in the long term without healthy connection with other human beings. We have to get this part right. Now, this may involve a little bit of a process of rebuilding this relationship, because this child probably feels very misunderstood. They've been judged. Look, no guilt, no blame, but you didn't have all these tools, and so you probably messed up a little bit when they were younger, and you've reinforced some things. You always gave them consequences. You always focused on the negative and didn't really build them up, and so there are going to be some steps

Starting point is 00:05:36 to take, and some of that involves an apology, not groveling. Look, an apology is just a statement of facts. It's just a statement of truth. Hey, some of those things that I did when you were younger, yeah, I messed up. I didn't do it right. And I know that probably hurt you. Or being able to say, hey, have you felt misunderstood? I guarantee you if you ask that to a strong-willed child, now they may not open up right away and say, thank you for admitting that or acknowledging that. But inside, it will connect with something

Starting point is 00:06:05 inside because they feel very misunderstood. There needs to be a deep acceptance of who they are, and you may actually have to grieve the fact that you had a child who was very different, that you weren't ready to kind of to raise and take on, and you've tried to change them and fix them because they're so much like you, right? Because if they're really like you, then you want them to avoid all the mistakes you made, the things that hurt you, or they're very different from you, and you're like, you just need to do it my way, and you've got to come to a place of deep acceptance, and then you have to learn how to bond with these kids. It's not easy, but I can show you how to do that. Look, if we were just stopping here, I would say go to CelebrateCalm.com, get the No BS program.

Starting point is 00:06:49 It is foundational. It's even cheaper than one trip to a therapist's office. It's extremely effective. It has 25 specific action steps for these situations. Now, some of you are going to need more than that, in which case I would get the Get Everything package because it has ADHD University program. It has 30 Days to Calm, which will help you learn how to control your triggers.

Starting point is 00:07:14 There's separate programs for moms, for dads, and for kids. There is a screens program that is extremely effective. So you may wanna skew toward getting all of that it's on the website there's a sale if you ever need help financially reach out to Casey so number three we need to discover what motivates your child and that will actually help them get off screens more and do schoolwork now part of the problem is we tend to spend most of their childhood getting them, trying to convince them to care about things that we care about. Well, what do we care about? Good

Starting point is 00:07:51 behavior, good grades. And a strong-willed child's like, man, I'm kind of 0 for 2 on that. I think I'll shut down. A lot of the things that your kids are really good at, some of you have kids who are great. They could build a robot. They're extremely creative. They're great at arguing with you because they can see patterns and things. That's what helps them be good at building with Legos, chess checkers, arguing with you. Look, those are really good skills. And seeing patterns as a superpower, you don't get a grade for it. So these kids tend to shut down. So my goal when I'm working with a teen or a tween, very simply at the beginning is this. I want to begin finding one constructive

Starting point is 00:08:35 activity they can do with another adult. Helping another adult, helping a teacher, a neighbor down the street, an older couple doing something at their home, volunteering to work with animals, volunteering at an animal shelter, homeless shelter, working with little kids. One constructive activity. It doesn't have to be related to school or academics. I want them to have human connection. I want them to feel that they have something to give someone else. It begins to instill a sense of purpose and vision, knowing I have something to give someone else. As simple as helping an old couple down the street do a few things around the house, and that old couple says, man, you're really helpful. Man, I really enjoy

Starting point is 00:09:25 talking to you. You're a really bright kid. And they start sowing good things into your child. They can also hold your child accountable in ways that you can't, because you're just parents. You're just their teenagers and twins. You're just their stupid parents. They're not going to listen to you. That's just how it works. There's no judgment in that at all. They tend to listen to other people. And when they start to get a sense of, I have something to give someone else, man, that can help them, that can help them lead them to get off of screens. It can also begin to build some confidence. So when it comes to screens, what we want to be able to do is, look, when your kids are on their screens,

Starting point is 00:10:06 it meets a lot of internal needs. There's a certain amount of order and structure. They know exactly what to expect. Video games, there's not a mom video game, a dad video game with different rules and expectations. It gives them a sense of control. There's brain stimulation. There's a challenge. One thing we miss about video games and screens with some of your kids is for some of your kids, it's the only time that they're really successful in life because they're not always great at school, not always great at friendships, but man, when they play their games, they kill it and they're really good. Well, how do you get confidence in life? It's by doing something you're good at, but many of our kids just aren't good at being kids. They're not good

Starting point is 00:10:45 at school. So when they're playing their video games, there's a social skills aspect of connecting in ways that maybe they have trouble with in a middle school or high school. And so I don't want them playing screens. I don't want to say, oh, they're meeting all these needs. Let's go ahead and let them play all the time. No. What I do is I say, hey, if this activity is meeting all those internal needs, that's why they're drawn to it, then I need to find other activities and missions that meet those same needs. And that's what I want to show you in those programs, how to do that. It's a really cool process. Okay, one of the other things we have to do, giving your teens and tweens some tools to do schoolwork differently. Some of your kids are

Starting point is 00:11:32 on the spectrum, or they have the traits associated with ADD or ADHD, and their brains work in different ways. And our schools, and a lot of us as parents, just try to teach our kids the way we learn best. It doesn't work for them, right? It's not about managing. It's not about time management. It's about managing their energy because these kids work with momentum. They hyper-focus. It's learning how to stimulate their brains using movement and rhythm, not just sitting at a table. You've got to use some movement. You've got to have them standing at the kitchen counter, rocking back and rhythm, not just sitting at a table. You've got to use some movement. You've got to have them standing at the kitchen counter, rocking back and forth, listening to intense music while they're

Starting point is 00:12:11 chewing gum or eating a snack. See, we've got to teach them a different way to get thoughts from head to paper instead of their whole childhood. We've said, you're so bright. If you would just apply yourself, it wouldn't take you so long. And so what they begin to internalize is, well, you just said this assignment isn't hard, but if it's hard for me, then there must be something wrong with me or I must be stupid. And so we need to give them tools. Some of your kids procrastinate, wait until late at night to do their homework. So if your kids struggle with this, I would get the Get Everything Package because it

Starting point is 00:12:44 has the ADHD university program. Even if your kids aren't this, I would get the Get Everything package because it has the ADHD University program. Even if your kids aren't diagnosed, it doesn't matter. It teaches kids who have this particular type of brain more effective ways to do their schoolwork. So they, look, the other part is I want them to understand how their brains work because this is the brain they have for the rest of their lives. And so once they understand, they're like, oh, nothing wrong with my brain. In fact, my brain has some advantages in other ways. I'm more of a strategic thinker. I can see patterns. I work on momentum. My brain needs to be stimulated. I'm going to learn how to manage my energy so I get my work done in a better way, less

Starting point is 00:13:25 stressful way. Okay, some of you, you've got a defiant teenager, and we can't just give in just because, you know, they have a meltdown over it. We have to learn how to talk to them in ways that even matter-of-fact tone. And sometimes we have to go and say, look, I apologize. In the past, by my actions, I've led you to believe that my job is to micromanage you

Starting point is 00:13:52 and what that message, the message that I sent you was that you weren't capable of doing it without me, but that's not true. Fact is, you are capable. We may have to apologize and say, look, I've let you get away

Starting point is 00:14:04 with things all the time. That's not going to work, right? And you cannot continue to use this language toward me and then expect me to turn around and do things for you. See, I don't want to lecture, but I want to set very clear boundaries about how I expect to be treated. This is what respect looks like. I want to be able to use that very grounding tone that just says, uh-uh, this isn't happening in my home. And so we can teach you how to do that, but it's very, very important that you learn how to do that with a teen. We have to learn how to de-escalate situations. I've done that on a lot of the podcasts. I hope you have a lot of tools for that of how to de-escalate with a teenager. One of our favorite ones is the one when my son came at me with attitude instead of reacting. You can't talk to me like that. How many times have I told you?

Starting point is 00:14:55 I said, you know what? I've seen this before, Case. I think you're either anxious or frustrated or hungry. So look, I'm not going to fight with you right now. And if you continue with that attitude, it's just not going to end well. But I'm hungry. If you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa. I'll meet you out on the deck. I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with. Or a lot of times with teens or tweens, it's a car ride. Oh, just forgot, man, I need to get something from the grocery store. Why don't you meet me in the car in a few minutes? We'll go there and on the way, we'll stop at Taco Bell and get a couple tacos, because teenagers are always hungry, and you have great talks when you're talking in the car, because there's not a defensive response. You're not looking each other

Starting point is 00:15:32 in the eyes. You're eating a snack. Learn how to de-escalate, and then the other one I wanted to go through is school refusal. Many of your kids have shut down in school. It's hard to connect with other kids. They're bored. They just don't like it. They have teachers who are constantly negative with them because they don't understand them. And then some kids have a lot of anxiety. And so we have to be able to deal with that and help them overcome that anxiety. Number one is normalizing it, that anxiety is a very normal thing. And then, and I think I just did a podcast on anxiety, so please listen to that one. But it's also finding a teacher or an assistant principal or someone at school who can say to your teen, hey, you know what? You're really good at doing X. You're really good with

Starting point is 00:16:17 technology or really creative. I could really use some help on a special project. Could you come in a few minutes early every day and help me? See, your kids won't do anything for you at home necessarily, but they'll do things for other people. And that's a good way of countering that anxiety and getting a connection with them at school that will help get them there. So let's work on those things. I'm going to keep this kind of short and sweet because I want to stay focused on these items. Again, I would encourage you if you've struggled with this, if you just want to get everything, get everything. It will give you all the tools you need to help this child to change yourself,

Starting point is 00:16:57 to change the dynamic. If you just want to get the No BS program, that one's fantastic. It's included in the Get Everything, but if you just want one program, I would get the No BS program. That one's fantastic. It's included in the Get Everything, but if you just want one program, I would get the No BS and start there. Hey, we love you all. We know this is really hard. If we can help you at all, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com, and we'll point you in the right direction.

Calm Parenting Podcast - Tough Teens & Tweens 101: Motivation, Screens, School Refusal, Defiance and More

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