Calm Parenting Podcast - What Anxiety Feels Like For Kids

Episode Date: March 11, 2023

What Anxiety Feels Like For Kids Too often we stigmatize anxiety as if it's something bad when it's completely normal. Kirk recorded this to help both middle/high school kids and their parents normalize anxiety instead of fearing it. Feel free to let your kids listen as it may help them feel understood and stimulate helpful conversations. Questions? Need help? Email [e-mail] and Casey will help you personally.  Get the tools you need to FINALLY stop the yelling and power struggles at https://celebratecalm.com/products/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Calm Parenting Podcast listeners get an exclusive 20% off an IXL membership when you sign up today at ixl.com slash kirk. Visit ixl.com slash kirk to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. I wanted to record a special podcast so that both teenagers and parents know exactly what anxiety feels like, because anxiety is a big deal. It's something that I have wrestled with my entire life, that our son wrestled with, and most of the kids and parents that we work with struggle with anxiety. And what I really want you to know is this. Anxiety is normal and healthy. See, anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control. And that makes everyone anxious or

nervous. And it makes everyone want to control people or situations around them. And so if you're a middle schooler or a high schooler, of course you're anxious. It would be weird if you weren't anxious. It's the hardest part of your life, right? You're caught in between being a little kid and a young adult. Your hormones are changing daily. The social scene is pretty much fake and it's unlike it will ever be the rest of your adult life, right? You almost have no control over your life. You're told what school to go to, what classes to take, what to eat every day, and you have very little control over that.

So, of course, you feel anxious. Of course, it feels like something inside of you just feels a little bit off, and it kind of just annoys you, and it's unnerving, and you can't always put a name to it. You can't always tell exactly what it feels like, but sometimes it makes you want to withdraw a little bit to stay home because that feels more safe. It feels easier, and that's normal. So let's say you are in middle school or high school. Here's what a day may feel

like, right? And it could be, I'm going to put it in your terms because this is what I felt like even in middle school. I missed a lot of school in middle school. And what I didn't realize at the time is because back then we didn't know these things, I didn't realize it was just anxiety, right? So here's what it feels like. I don't always sleep well because my body and my hormones are on a different natural clock than the artificial school schedule, and I stay up late. Why? Because that's when my house,

meaning my parents, and the world get quiet, and that allows me to think without all the noise. I also stay up late thinking situations over in my mind and running different scenarios out, and sometimes I don't sleep that well because I'm anxious thinking about all these things that I can't control and when I wake up I'm not all that excited to go to school and here's some of the reasons. I don't like school. I may struggle in school. It's not because I'm dumb but I genuinely struggle trying to focus or be interested in something I really don't have an interest in. By the way, that's the way the brain is supposed to work. Your brain, you're curious about things that you're interested in, right? On the weekends, parents, you don't pick up books and watch documentaries about subjects you don't

care about, right? It's the way the brain is supposed to work, right? But here's what I also know. If I'm interested in something and curious about it, I can actually hyper-focus and remember everything. And I get anxiety about tests because I struggle with memorizing facts. See, I'm really good at strategic thinking. I'm good at seeing patterns in things. But short-term memory really trips me up. By the way, middle schoolers, high schoolers, here's what I want you to know. In school, you are

required to have good short-term memory because you have to memorize information for tests and then sometimes forget it, right? But in the real world, when you're an adult, you will get paid to have really good strategic thinking. And you, I promise you will get paid to have really good strategic thinking and you I promise you I know you're really good strategic thinkers that's partly why you're good at pushing people's buttons and arguing with your parents because you're a good thinker and that's what we want in the real world but sometimes school in school it makes taking tests harder now if I have dysgraphia means I have trouble with fine motor

skills, right? That makes writing really hard. Or if I have dyslexia, then I will feel really frustrated, right? Because it's like I have to work five times harder than everyone else in class. And to be honest, by midday, I am mentally and emotionally tapped out. Sometimes for people like us, school just isn't our thing. And look, if my parents are successful or I have a sibling who's really good in school, then it feels like I'll never be able to live up to their expectations. So why even bother, right? It's like it's never good enough. And I don't really value grades that much so sometimes I just shut down and don't even try that hard right but if you put me in adult situations outside of school sometimes I feel right at home I crush it then it's partly because I usually connect better with adults or with

little kids and animals but see I struggle to connect with the other kids in my class. I just kind of find them boring. And I'm not a joiner. I don't like doing the popular things just because they're popular. And that leaves me feeling left out sometimes, even though I've kind of chosen that. It's not like I get bullied or anything, but I'm just not on the same page as my classmates. I don't want to do what everybody else is doing. So I may walk into a cafeteria or homeroom and no one's mean or anything. It's just that they're all talking and laughing with each other and I feel left out. I'm sitting with them,

but I'm not part of them, right? And that's stressful, right? That feels awkward as a teenager, right? Because the most important thing for you as a teenager is social life, right? And walking through the halls can be a little overwhelming. It's chaotic and loud. And the ringing bells and the horseplay throw me off. And I'm sensitive at times. And see, that's a double-edged sword. It's good because I feel things deeply.

And usually, side note, if you feel things deeply, usually you're a very creative person, right? And so you will feel empathy for outcasts, for hurting people, for hurting animals. But it also means I feel slights more deeply, right? I take things more personally. I make sense of a teacher doesn't really like me and so that hurts or causes me to shut down to protect myself so look when I wake up in the morning all I can think about is this how hard school is going to be how no one really understands that and just thinks that I'm not trying and how I'm going to feel different all day from my classmates

and eventually feel overwhelmed and anxious. And sometimes my stomach is upset, so I don't always feel like eating. And that anxiety wants me to stay home where I feel safe and comfortable. So if you feel like that, what I want you to know is you're perfectly normal. There's nothing wrong with that. And for the parents, think about it this way. Imagine someone else signed you up and made you go to a job for 12 straight years that you didn't really like, that you weren't always really good at, and you had to work with people you didn't really like a lot. throughout the day. And every year those bosses change. And so they all have different expectations and different personalities. See, right now, as an adult, you can change your job. You can change your industry. You can get a new boss if you want. But when you're a kid and you're in school, you can't do this. So it is hard and it does cause anxiety. And that's normal. And so for the middle school and high school kids out there,

if you're feeling anxious, nervous about things, it's perfectly normal. Don't beat yourself up for it. Don't think that you're weird. It would be weird if you didn't feel anxious. What we really need to do is discover how to handle that anxiety in healthy ways. Because I've struggled with anxiety for 57 years. What I've learned is how to normalize that anxiety, how to overcome that anxiety, and to work with it and work with my natural wiring. And that's what my son has learned how to do, right?

So you can email us, right? Email our son, Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com, with any questions you have or if there are circumstances you struggle with. And we'll try to email back with specific practical ways to help with anxiety. In the meantime, middle schoolers, high schoolers, you've got a great future ahead of you. You're going to crush it in the real world when it counts. I promise you, life gets easier after the teenage years. So if we can help in any way, reach out to us and let us know. But everything's going to be okay. Love you all. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.