Calm Parenting Podcast - What “I Hate You!” Really Means

Episode Date: August 11, 2020

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no multiple step protocols, just simple scientifically validated solutions. The secret is One Skin's proprietary OS1 peptide. It's the first ingredient proven to switch off the aging cells that cause lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin. OneSkin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, OneSkin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using code Kirk at OneSkin.co. That's 15% off at OneSkin.co with code K-I-R-K. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support our podcast and tell them we sent you. So does your child ever look at you and say, I hate you, right? And you're like, oh, this is what we signed up for as parents, right? Because I guarantee you when you said, hey, let's have children,

that's not what you were picturing because nobody told you how difficult it would be. When Casey was a kid, he'd often scream that ass, I hate you. And of course, we'd react like normal parents. How dare you say that to us? You will not talk to your father like that. And of course, we'd react like normal parents. How dare you say that to us? You will not talk to your father like that. And of course, we take it personally. We'd escalate an already inflamed situation and we'd make it worse until we learn to hear those outbursts a different way. Now, before we get to that, I want to be clear before I go to the little introduction thing, because people are like, well, it's fine being like all understanding of your kids' emotions, but you can't let them get away with that. We don't

let kids get away with anything, right? You don't let kids get away with disrespect. Just make it clear in a non-emotional voice. Hey, if you continue to talk to me like that, you choose to forfeit your screens, your playdate, car keys, your phone, your privileges, whatever it is. There's no drama. It's just a statement of fact. But we have this false notion of like, well, if he yells at me, I better yell at him. I need to let him know that he can't do that. Well, sure, you can let him know. But the truth is your child already knows that he's not supposed to do that and he can't do it. There's something else going on. And there's a better way to turn these volatile moments into opportunities to teach,

because discipline means to teach, not yell at, punish, into the room, needs to teach, lifelong coping skills, and to build trust. So we're not going to take it personally. I'm going to show you a different way. It's what we're going to go over today on the Calm Parenting Podcast. So welcome. This is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm. We're thrilled that you're here. If you need help, you can reach out to that same child who now, many years later, does not really yell at us like that. And his name's Casey. And he will answer all of your questions and help you. His email address is Casey, C-A-S-E-Y, at CelebrateCalm.com. If you need any of our resources, email him. Tell him about your family. He'll take really good care of you. Best customer service on the planet, I guarantee. He will help you get the right resources within your budget.

And it's nice to communicate with Casey because you often get to parents are often like wow he turned into a great young man it's like yeah he didn't so where are your kids right so you just can't project into the future and by the way somebody emailed last week and said hey you're always picking on Casey and talking about what a terrible child he was and she's like doesn't he get his feelings hurt I was was like, no, we talk about this. Look, I try to make this very clear. The problem when Casey was a child was not him. It was me. It was that I was overreactive and I played into all of that. And the only thing that changed our relationship was me learning how to control myself. So I hope

you get that out of this. The reason I mention that sometimes, like Casey was useless as a child, is because it's fairly true in the traditional sense. And what I want is to deal in reality here, right? Because I hate, like the speaker, when I started doing speaking, there's all the speaker bios, like he is the father of two wonderful children and 18 fantastic, lovely grandchildren. I'm like, that's not real. Like my bio is Kirk is a very flawed, immature man who's still learning to grow up, who is the father of a really strong-willed, difficult child who has been a gift to him because he's causing him to grow up, right?

And Kirk Martin is part of a family that's very dysfunctional because they're still carrying all kinds of issues from their own childhood that they haven't dealt with, right? Like that's reality. And so I want to deal in that. I want, so it's not to demean Casey at all. So, you know, you can email him and support him or whatever, but he's fine. We talk about this all the time. And we just want to be very transparent with it. But I hope you know, it wasn't that he was difficult. It's that I was difficult. And it was me changing that changed our relationship. I hope that's clear. By the way, that same kid, Casey, just came to me. I'm super

excited with this. Over the weekend, he said, Dad, I've got an idea. We've got all of these parents and teachers who are extremely anxious and nervous, as you should be, about the coming school year. Because who knows what it's going to be like? How are you going to keep kids engaged doing remote learning or going to school every few days or every couple of weeks? How are you going to do all that and get them off screens because they've been on screens for the last five months? Because what else are they going to do? Right? How are you going to do that? And he said, I have experience with this because I know how to do online remote learning because I got kicked out of a couple schools. Now, kidding, but not really.

He did. He got, you know where Casey got kicked out of? He couldn't make it at Montessori school. That's how difficult he was. Montessori people love everyone. And so we did everything. We did public school, private school, Montessori school. We did home, online, remote learning.

We did everything. So he came to me and he said, Dad, I have some ideas. We match that with all this brain science stuff that you have and jumpstarting the brain and all of your ideas. Why don't we do something unique because we can add some value here

and prepare parents to do this remote learning the right way. And so we're going to do in the next couple of weeks, a bootcamp, a remote learning, online learning COVID era bootcamp, right? So that we can give you the tools so that you're prepared for how to handle this and make this coming school year a good one

because I'm not spinning it. I think we have some unique opportunities here to do something different with our kids. And I think we can turn this to our advantage. So just watch for that. We'll be making announcements. We'll do some podcasts. It'll be on our website. We'll have a little boot camp tab there, and you can find out about that. So let's get to this. So I kind of broke this into three different sections of what I want you to hear. Because when your kids say things like, I hate you, you're stupid, I want you to hear it in a different way. And I've broken this into three sections. And I want you to hear it as a cry for

help from an immature, frustrated human being who doesn't even know exactly why he's upset, right? Because then you can be that rock solid person that your child trusts and to help them become their better selves. So number one thing that I want you to hear at times, and this is going to be easier, but this is what it is. When they're saying, I hate you, I hate you because you won't give me what I want in this moment. And I'm not mature enough to realize that I need boundaries and that your job is to protect me. So I'm going to shout mean words, hoping that you give in. Right. And if they can do that in public, sometimes that causes you to give in.

Now, that's called a tantrum, which is manipulative. That's not emotional. That is rational. I want something. You won't give it to me. So I'm going to start calling you names and play on your mommy guilt or whatever it is or get dad all upset. That's purely manipulative. So that's easy to me. I want you to be firm, non-emotional, steady. Be that calm, immovable rock who does what is best for your child even when it's inconvenient. You never give in to that. You just let them know, look, I don't do demanding. I don't react to tantrums. And watch, some of these are great phrases. Choose any one of them. Your behavior does not change my behavior, right? That's very

powerful. You've got to internalize that. No matter what they do, it doesn't change your reaction. Your mood does not determine my mood. Now that's hard because their moods do determine your mood and that's your issue and you need to grow up and stop that because you're allowing your child to control you. And I know it's hard. I get it. It's hard, but you've got to get there, right? And you can just say, hey, if you want to talk to me like an adult and problem solve, I'm all ears. But I want you to know from an early age, whining, complaining, tantrums will never, ever, ever work with me. And once I say that, then I lead them to a different activity, right?

That's the easy part. But what about when it's something deeper and highly emotional? Here's a second way that I hear this. I'll give you a couple examples. I hate you because I genuinely do resent you because you only ever focus on the negative. You only ever point out what I'm doing wrong instead of what I'm doing right. And you never seem happy with me. And related to that is, I hate you because I know that you really don't like me, especially not as much as you like my brother and sister because I'm the difficult one. Watch this. Hear this.

And it hurts too much to think that my own mom or my own dad doesn't like me. So I will reject you before you reject me. That in the second situation is a completely defensive response from a child who feels like he can never do things well enough, that he's not accepted as he is, and he's just seen as the problem child, that in the family he's the one who's always in trouble and everybody's always mad at him. And I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it. They bring it on themselves at times. They make things difficult. You try to do an outing with the family and guess who kind of

messes it up. I get that. But that also comes from a deep seated feeling of I don't fit in. Nobody understands me. I'm the difficult one. And you have to, have to, have to hear that the right way. And you must, must address that. That is what finally got me to change and what got my attention with Casey. What I finally learned was it wasn't all about him. It wasn't just that he was difficult.

It was I was sowing all those seeds for years of saying, why do you have to make everything so difficult? You know, how are you ever going to be successful in life? Why can't you just focus on your work? Why? And all of that, all those things. And look, here's the thing. I was a good dad back then. I was involved with him. Take him out every Saturday morning. We did fun stuff. I was involved. I was a good dad. I loved my son, but I was continually making him feel like he could never please me. And I made him feel like I always believed the worst about his motives. And you know why? Because I did. And that was inside of me. So I had this war going on of like, I'm a good dad. I'm trying to love my son. I want to do things, but he makes everything so difficult and everything's so hard, and he's

always emotional. He's always getting upset until I finally realized all of those things were inside of me, and I was losing him. I was losing my relationship with him, and that only changed because I grew up and took ownership of that, and that's a warning sign that I want you to take seriously. And for the men who are listening, you can't dismiss that because your acceptance of your child is more, look, it's a thousand times more important than anything they do in school. Fine. Send your child to go to the best school, get the best grades, go to the best college on earth, but they don't have the acceptance of their own father, they will be, you know, I wanted to say something edgy there, but I won't because it's a clean podcast. That will mess them up for the rest of their lives. It is critically important for us to be able to get that. And that's why it's, you know, as you have older kids, but even younger

ones, when we get these emails that say that, I'm like, you've got to go through. The thing that we created was the No BS Instruction Manual for Strong Willed Kids. It's 25 action steps to rebuild the broken relationship because we say it all the time. It is a relationship. It is relationships that change behavior. If you do not have a good, healthy relationship with your child, no discipline is going to work. You're not going to motivate them. They're just going to shut down and resist you. What do they have to lose? And you're going to have to rebuild that, release them from those false expectations and rebuild that relationship.

And I encourage you to please go through, at least go through that program. It comes as part of the Get Everything Package. You can look at the sale tab on that program. It comes as part of the get everything package. You can look at the sale tab on the website. It says get everything. And that includes, guess what? Everything we have. Or you can just buy it separately. There's a little no BS tab and you just get it separately if you want. If you need help with that, email Casey, he'll help you. But there are 25 action steps and you know what the final one is? The final one is learning how to enjoy your child. And I really want you to get there because these kids, I know they're difficult, but man,

they can cause you to grow up and change and they will become, I'm not going to say they're going to become your favorite, but you will have a special bond with this child because you have wrestled with them and you have fought with them for years and years. And when you heal that and you turn that around, there's a special bond that you have with this child because you've wrestled and you've come to a good place and you will begin to appreciate all of those traits that irritate you the most. I promise one day you will absolutely value those traits, that pig-headed obstinance, all those things that irritated me about Casey, I love about him now. I admire that in him. I admire that fight. I admire that sharp tongue of his. Well, I don't admire it, but I do laugh at it. But I do appreciate that now, and I want you to get there. Let's go to the third one, and this is probably the most common

thing that I really want you to hear. When they say I hate you, what they're really saying is, I'm actually so frustrated and angry at myself. Right? That's a lot of it. It's not you. It doesn't have anything to do with you necessarily. I'm frustrated and angry at myself because I keep making dumb, stupid choices. And I get in trouble and lose all my stuff. And you hear your kids saying that, don't you?

I'm dumb. I'm stupid. Right? Or it might be, I feel so overwhelmed right now, and I don't even know where to begin. Because everything's kind of jumbled in my brain, and I'm anxious about trying new things because it feels out of my control, and I might fail. So I'm just going to shut down and call you names because then at least I get to send to my room instead of having to go to someplace new. And this is where I think most of your kids live and that's what you should be hearing. This is why

you probably lash out at people when you do because you're frustrated. You're not a defiant, angry person, unless you are, then you need to be calm. You're a frustrated person. So what's needed now isn't a good tongue lashing or discipline. Your child needs you to show them how to be successful, how to feel confident and capable to make good choices. And that's what you're looking for too, for someone to understand how you feel and show you a different way. It's partly why we exist here. I get your struggle. Your child's difficult and you've got control issues and perfectionism and your anxiety. And so what I'm trying to show you is a different way. You're not a bad parent. You're just reacting to your child because nobody ever

told you a different way. And you were raised to yell at your kids and expect that they're going to always say, yes, ma'am and yes, sir, and do what you say. And that's the way you were raised and what you thought for 25 or 30 or 40 or 50 years. And now you've got a child and you're like, how does this work? Right? Because you had a compliant child first and it was easy and you were a great parent. And now all of a sudden you don't know what you're doing and you're with your wits end. And so I want you to know, I understand that. And I want to show you a different way, but we've got to change this mindset very quickly. And here's the key. And you'll hear it in different podcasts and all through our materials, giving kids tools to succeed. Because just saying

you can't talk to me like that. You're not going to talk to me like that ever again. Go to your room. Consequences don't change this. A consequence doesn't teach the child how to begin being competent and confident and making good choices. It just tells them, if you do that, you're going to be in trouble. And he's like, I've been in trouble since the day I was born. Why would I try anything different? Instead, I want to say, I want to give you tools to succeed. I want to actively create successes, and I want to give tons of affirmation so I can build the child's confidence, right? Because look, in most situations for your kids, what they're missing is confidence. They're frustrated at their own behavior, and they feel like losers, and they want to be confident. Why do you think they pick on their siblings?

It's because they don't feel good about themselves. And so they want to pick on their siblings, right? Does that make sense? So during a live, we did this live Zoom meeting last night, which is really cool. We're doing a lot of these things for people across the country. It's really cool. We're doing one for some parents in England in September. So it's cool. We can do stuff all over the world without having to travel there, right? Although I wouldn't love to travel there, but we're not allowed to. And we do this without spreading our germs, but we spread our message. So a mom said her child lashes out to her when she asked them to go to the martial arts class. I'm like, oh, this is one of our most common examples we ever give. And see, that isn't about a child being defiant.

I'm not going. Taekwondo's stupid. You're stupid. That has nothing to do with defiance. That's all about anxiety because anxiety is caused by unknowns, things you can't control. So when you say, hey, it's time to go to your Taekwondo class, your child freaks out because what they are thinking is, have I ever been to that place before? Is it going to be really loud because I'm sensitive to noise? Is the instructor going to be patient with me? Because sometimes adults don't always, they're not always patient with me. And what about the other kids? I get along better with like older kids and adults and little kids and animals, but kids my own age, I struggle to connect with them. And what if the kids at Taekwondo class pick on me and I feel

left out? And what if I'm not good at Taekwondo? Because sometimes I'm not good at new things and following directions because I need context. And what if I'm not good at Taekwondo? Because sometimes I'm not good at new things and following directions because I need context. And what if I'm not good and I'm a failure and I feel like a failure? All that's going through their minds. And so here's what comes out. You're stupid. I hate you. You can't make me go. Right? And you're like, dude, I was just trying to take you to a 45 minute class because I think you'll actually like it. Right? And I want you to learn martial arts to, you know, hit other kids instead of your siblings. Kidding. That's called sarcasm. Just relax. So and you're thinking like, why are they freaking out all of a sudden? And so as soon as they say you're stupid, you can't make me. Well,

then we react. You're like, you know what? You're going to get your little butt in the car and then everything escalates. Right. And because what we miss in that moment is here's what they would want to yell. I'm afraid to go. I'm scared because other people might reject me and I might fail again. Can't you hear me? I don't want to go because it's scary to me. Please hear me. But they don't know that, right? And so here's the beautiful thing. When you learn to control yourself and you learn what's going on inside your kids' hearts and brains, you can actually help them and look at them and say, of course you're nervous.

Do you know how good that feels to say, of course you're nervous? There's nothing wrong with me, wrong with you, right? That anxiety is normal. By the way, normalize some of this stuff. Please stop letting your kids believe like, oh, there's something really wrong with you. No, there's not. It's normal. You should be nervous when you do new things, right? It's a natural process in your body and your brain to be nervous when you do new things because it's scary. And so saying, of course, you're nervous is settling because you're acknowledging there's nothing wrong with them.

But now after we calm them down, well, of course, you're nervous. I'd be nervous. Look, saying that, I'd be nervous too. When I do new things, of course, I get anxiety. Is your stomach a little bit upset? new things, of course I get anxiety. Is your stomach a little bit upset? Right, because their stomachs get upset. And you know what's beautiful?

You now just taught them, you're not a bad kid. You're not just a defiant little disrespectful kid that's gonna get rejected by everybody in life. You're a scared kid. And I know how to help you. And I also wanna let you know, every time you get that little feeling in your stomach, it's probably anxiety, which is perfectly normal. And now I'm going to give you some tools to deal with your anxiety, right? And we give them tools because exercise, intense exercise is a really

good tool for anxiety, right? But here's the one I like to do. A few days ahead of time, take your child to the martial arts place and say, hey, my child's going to be in your class next week. Loves helping other adults. He's awesome at it. Could you give him a job to do? And Taekwondo guy's like, hey, Brandon, psyched you're in my class next week. Look, I need your help. Because those are magical words for strong will kids. They love to help. They like to feel like they're helpful for adults and like they're doing adult things. Brandon, when you get here, I want you here five minutes early because you got to help me set up the cones, rearrange the mats, get ready for class. You up for that? Most of your kids are up for other adults. Yes, ma'am. Yes, sir. So next week when you come into the home, Brandon, come on, Taekwondo,

we got to go. We got to go. Instead of triggering your child's anxiety, what your child remembers, thinks is this, oh, mom, dad, remember Taekwondo guy needs my help. He said be there five minutes early so we need to leave like three and a half hours early so we're not late. You know that happens. It's because of anxiety. They want to get there early and that's important for them to soak up the environment and not be rushed into it. So do that. Because here's what your child knows. He knows that guy needs his help and when he gets to the Taekwondo place, he's got a job to do because doing a specific job counters all the unknowns of going to that class. So he's not thinking about the other kids and whether he's going to fail because he's been given a job that he's going to do well. And he's going to start that class

with the Taekwondo guy saying, hey, you're a good helper my friend. I want you here, need you here every week, five minutes early. See, you just showed your child how to be successful and how to deal with his own anxiety rather than saying, I don't know why you can't get in the car. You know what, your brother never gives us any problems. Why do you have to make everything so difficult? So one reaction, destroy the child's confidence, destroy your relationship. The other response, you build trust and you give your child tools and you problem solve. And that's what we're up for. That's why I want you to internalize this.

I encourage you, listen over and over and over. By the way, let your kids listen to the CDE programs. Download it to their phone. Play it during your schooling. Play it in the car all the time. Let them hear because I guarantee you when they hear this story, because I tell this story on, I believe, probably the Defiance and Disrespect program, maybe the Strong-Willed Child one as well. When they hear it, they're going to be like, Mom, that guy just described what I feel like. That's what it feels like. So there's nothing

wrong with me. And then part of what the programs are for is to promote conversation with your kids. And you can say, so that's what it feels like? Yeah. I just never knew how to put it into words before. And then it's an aha moment for your child and for you. And then you can apologize and say, look, all those times that that's happened and I've yelled at you, I'm sorry, Brandon. I didn't know what was going on. And I guarantee these kids who can be really foul-mouthed towards you will be like, it's okay, Mom. I didn't even know myself. But now you can do it differently next time and that's

what we're after so if we can help you reach out to Casey C-A-S-E-Y at celebrate calm.com he will help you you can check we've got a sale on everything we've got about 70% off on the on the get everything package That includes everything. The Calm Parenting package has about 30 hours worth of materials on every topic, including a special CD program from Casey your kids listen to directly. It's a mom's program, a dad's program, motivation, discipline, everything else. And then there's an OBS program to rebuild the relationship. So if we can help you with anything, let us know.

And we're going to be, we'll tell you about the new bootcamp thing coming up. So we'll get you ready for the new school year and everything's going on. You're a good mom. You're a good dad. You're listening to a podcast about parenting. Let's make these changes this week. Let's work on this. And then you email us and tell us how you're doing. Love you all. Take care. Bye-bye.